Healing From High-School | Caylee Dean

Episode Summary

Caylee Dean shares her story of redemption found in Christ while working through feelings of disappointment, loneliness, rejection, and isolation in high-school. This episode is a beautiful testament of the Lord's ability to restore relationships and build community despite the lies intended to steal the hope of Jesus' promises for students today. 

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Under His Wings is a 501c3 non-profit located in Baldwin County, AL. Our mission is to fulfill the Great Commission in our community through a better understanding of daily mental health challenges faced by both students and parents/guardians. Our focus is for the youth and we practice this mission through three separate modes: this podcast, a residental home for teenage girls (central mission), and off-campus counseling/coaching (outreach). 

This facet of our mission seeks to bring listeners together through accurate psychological practices, testimonies, and Gospel-centered encouragement. 

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Thank you to Curtis Landscape, this episode's sponsor! 

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Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:00

Music.

SPEAKER_01: 0:18

Welcome to Listen and Love. Here in our little studio today is my friend Kaylee, and she's going to share a bit of her testimony of finding Jesus in the midst of healing. Kaylee, thank you so much for sharing today. Yeah, thank you for having me. So before we discuss your story, I wanted to thank our sponsor for this episode, Curtis Landscape. Curtis Landscape is based in Baldwin County and offers quality lawn care service from basic maintenance to stonework, pavers, and irrigation. You can call them today for a free estimate on your lawn care needs. Thank you, Curtis Landscape for your sponsorship and partnership with Listen and Love as we educate, support, and listen to parents and youth of Baldwin County for a better and stronger community. So Kaylee, we're just going to hop right in here. Where does your story begin? Well, from the title of the podcast, assumedly being Healing from High School, I guess that's where we'll have to start is high school. Yeah. I think everybody doesn't always look back fondly on high school, but certainly for me, it was a dark period. No, it was one of light too, because that's when Jesus truly rescued me, truly entered into my life. It was during COVID, which was my sophomore year. He just met me in a profound way and was so kind to me and picked me up and became such a close friend with me. But at the same time, high school's hard for me. It was It was hard to find a sense of belonging. I prayed again and again for friendships, for mentorships, and none of those things came. And it was just, it was really lonely. It was a very dark time. And what I found was that the enemy is so good at twisting scripture in order to deceive us. And so really, as I pressed closer to the Lord and tried to seek Him in high school, that verse as a deer pants for water so my soul pants for you he would take that and through all the loneliness and the hurt and the trials he would twist that scripture and almost turn it into this like obsessive despair like you want the lord so bad why don't you just go be with him why don't you um why don't you end your own life which is a quick dive into a dark story but that really was how quickly the lie set in it became from 10th grade meeting jesus by By 11th grade, it was just this strange lie that the enemy convinced me that because I couldn't find friendships, because I couldn't find companionship, that the only solution was to not be on this earth and to be in the next one. And that sense of purposelessness really set in. So that quick, I guess, year from 10th to 11th grade, that's where my story started. But thankfully, it didn't stay there. The Lord didn't let it stay there.

UNKNOWN: 3:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 3:18

Is there a particular moment that you remember that lie entering into your life or a catalyst for that? I know you mentioned loneliness and friendships not happening or mentorships not coming into being, but is there a moment that either you recognize that that was a lie or that you remember that that lie entered into your life? I think that... Well, it's hard to say an exact moment. I think it was just, the thing about the lie was it was so close to the truth. It wasn't in an instant. It was just building upon these beliefs where I was coming to God every day. I remember we had a little workout room upstairs in our attic and I'd just be sweating. And while working out, I'd be praying to the Lord for friendships. And I think God was building me up in those prayers, but emotionally, The enemy was stealing my emotions in that time and convincing me, yeah, but he's not going to answer these prayers now. He's only going to answer them years from now. So I feel like that is an instance I can think of where that lie really set in. And I just kind of let the emotions fester. I think I invested more in the emotions than in the truth of God's word. And I did not combat the lies of scripture that the enemy threw at me. for actual scripture the way that jesus did in the wilderness um i did not do that you just let the i just let the emotions rule yeah so easy to do yes easy to do so when when do you have a moment that you remember when you were free from that lie or when it finally hit you yeah i went through just really bad um like i i mean you know vulnerably i went through really terrible suicidal ideation i went through several attempts and there is a season of my junior year that I just, I don't remember. Like I don't remember February through probably April, May of my junior year. I have no idea. I have prayer journals filled to the brim where I was begging the Lord for freedom. I just, I don't remember it. I see pictures. I have no memories. But in one of those days around, I guess, April or May, I was standing folding laundry in my closet and putting things up And there was a sermon going on in the background. And I think it was on forgiveness. And the Lord was just working in my heart to forgive all these circumstances and people. And it was just hard. And I remember telling him, folding laundry, I said, God, I can't forgive them. I can't forgive the situation. I can't move on. I'm not capable. And so this is the only time he's done it physically. And I felt it. But I felt his presence enter behind me. And his glory shone upon me. And when I felt it in the room, I fell to my knees. Like it was instinctual. Like, I mean, there was no question about it. I fell to my knees and worshiped him. And when I said, I am not able, he said, I am. And it was his name audibly. And it was the only time I've heard him audibly. And from that moment on, I always like to tell people it was like my Jericho wall being torn down or maybe almost the visions that I got in that moment was there had been this wall of lies, these bricks that Satan had stacked up for so long that I wasn't even able to see the goodness of God. Like I said, I had no memories of that time. I had nothing but sorrow. And it's like he punched a hole through that wall and some light came in and he didn't bulldoze it down. There was still bricks that I had to pluck away with him brick by brick, but he knocked a major hole and light spilled in. And that was the first moment in healing and of healing and since then thankfully I've never struggled with suicidal ideation since then he has rescued me from that and it's actually been something I've gotten to speak with girls on since I've gotten my ministry residency certification so I wanted to talk a little bit about that I wanted to talk a little bit more about the healing process and then also how this instance brought you closer to the Lord through that experience in high school so do you You want to start with the healing process? Yeah, sure. Yeah. So the healing process was mainly just continuing to journal, continuing to listen to the sermons that I was, but this time with a new perspective. It was no longer your hope is going to be in heaven alone. Although our hope is in heaven to be in the presence of the Lord, we have purpose here. And that was something I didn't believe. I didn't believe that serving the church really mattered, that they could replace me with anybody. I didn't really believe that. Working hard in school is going to get me any sort of satisfaction or whatever. And so slowly building into the presence of the Lord in the present, that was the main component of the healing journey. And finding, this sounds like almost too modern day philosophy, but really enjoying the present moment, living for the moment, not thinking so far ahead that you forget that there's joy to be had. Mm-hmm. go drive and get myself a coffee and spend that time with the Lord. Or I'm going to go to the beach and drive an hour there just to spend time with him. Just finding little, little happies. And that really, really changed everything. And that spontaneity I know is like so beautiful in you. That's one of the things that drew me closer to you in our friendship because we have a funny story of how we met. We're not going to tell it. But I remember one of the first things was I like to go to the beach early in the morning, the sunrise and like I drive an hour there to go pray. And I just remember being like, I want somebody to come do this with me. And I didn't have very many friends who wanted to get up at four o'clock in the morning and do that. And I just remember being like, I've only ever met this Kaylee girl once, but I wonder if she would want to do that. And the Lord was like, yeah, go ask her. And I was like, she's going to say no. Like we met one time. And then she was, of course, she sent all caps. Oh my gosh, I would love to do that. And that's really how our friendship started. And like, I was so surprised that someone would want, it was literally like right before I was about to go to bed too. So the spontaneity, the fact that you say that that is a God-given gift, I can see that so much in your life. And I know that that's been a blessing to me and so many other people. So we talked a little bit about the healing process. Why do you think that it is important for people to heal either from wounds that other people inflict on them or the lies that you believe that you don't combat with truth, which you've experienced both? I would say, well, I think first of all, you have to acknowledge the truth of the situation. You have to come face to face with the truth. We were talking about this earlier, but one of my favorite verses is Genesis 50, 20, which is Joseph addressing his brothers. And he says, the evil of that. We are in a broken world. You have to acknowledge the evil first to allow the but God statement to enter in. So that's one of the crucial parts of healing. And honestly, one of the reasons I think it's important, it's facing your reality. We are in a broken world. But then the second part's in the second half of that verse, the hinge, the but God, he allows suffering to bring about salvation for others. And we know that everything he does, he does for the good of those who love him. So just pressing into that and something that a mentor told me a little bit later when I was seeking her out and we were just discussing what had happened in high school and just all the yuckiness of it. She said, well, baby, aren't you so grateful that those wounds will give you a picture of what Jesus willingly put himself through for you? And it all just And now I like to look at the suffering, either present or past, even future, through that lens or perspective. You know, Jesus willingly was betrayed. He was hurt by friends. He was hurt by strangers for me. He suffered physically for me. Every sort of anguish you can think of that we are experiencing, he willingly put himself through for us. So it's just a way that we can share. And a love for him and appreciation for what he did. And so I think that that is an important lens and a way to heal and reason to heal. Yeah. Yeah. So it's important to heal so that others can see the goodness of God in your life. Oh, yeah, certainly. And then also for yourself so that you can look back and also remember the goodness of God in your life. Yeah. And also the fact that the Lord wants to heal. Yeah. He doesn't just leave you in that position lying down on the floor crying out. Yeah. Yeah. Wanting to say, Lord, I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to be with you. And he took that and he redeemed it. He did. So that now you want to go out and you want to live for other people. Yeah. For the Lord. Yes. But to the benefit of other people. Yes. So you've talked about being lonely in high school. You talked about having suicidal thoughts in high school. And you talked about praying for friendships in high school. Then you've talked a little bit about how other people have hurt you. Is there anything Do you think that you maybe experienced a bit of like bullying in high school or just kind of otherness? And is that because you went to a new school or is that because of another reason, do you think? I think it's a combination of things. It's hard to, for me, it's harder to say bullying because bullying to me implies intentionality to hurt somebody. And sometimes I don't think that the girls who hurt me in high school did it intentionally I just think it was they just didn't care. It was just kind of a byproduct of what they wanted to do. So I would lean more towards it was just an otherness. They had grown up together, and I don't blame them. You have your group of people who you want to stick close with. But I came in late to a school that was very tight-knit, a group of girls that was very tight-knit, and I just never– Found my way in. Yeah. Never was able to break my way in no matter what I tried. And yeah. So like I said, it's I mean, it was an evil. It was a terrible thing that happened. But I also know that, you know, each individual girl's motives had to have been different. You know, they each have a different relationship with the Lord. And so I don't want to just collectively say they're all bullies. Yeah. Everybody has a different story. Yeah. Background. Yes. And that verse that you chose, the one talking about Joseph and how the Lord will always work through no matter what happens is applicable to everyone. Yeah. In any situation. So how did your relationship with the Lord, you said that you met the Lord in high school. Mm-hmm. Did you grow up in a Christian family? I grew up in a Christer family. Okay. Which are the Christians who go to church on Christmas and Easter. Mm-hmm. So very Bible about Christians. And so I had a general knowledge of the gospel and my grandmother, very fervent, prayerful woman of God. She was the reason I encountered Jesus. She would offer to pray with me and for me all the time. And I just remember Easter Sunday during COVID, I went and saw her and we prayed together in the That was it. That was the beginning of my relationship with the Lord. But aside from her, I really, I was not generally raised in a Christian household. No, I would not say that. So how did that affect your family? Or was it hard being Christian in a family that didn't take it seriously? Yeah, I would say to a certain extent, it kind of ebbs and flows. And this season, it's beautiful because my dad and I are sharing sermons with one another and he loves them and he gets excited about them and he gets his feelings heard if I haven't listened to them yet. My mom has just become this sudden prayer warrior since the passing of my grandmother I mentioned earlier. My brother's gotten his first Bible and he's going to church. But there have definitely been seasons where I would be pressing closer to the Lord and making decisions that were maybe contrary to And my family would look at that and think I was being foolish or just not making any sense because how can you explain, oh, the Lord told me to do this. Oh, this is something that I'm feeling called to do. This is something that I prayed with my people at the church over. And, you know, it's hard to explain, but I'm very grateful at the very least that I can kind of carry on my grandmother's legacy because she upheld the family with prayer for so long. And obviously, if I'm the only fruit that she got to witness in her generation, then I'm so grateful that I get to continue to plant the seeds and bring everyone to a better understanding of who Jesus is. So how did this affect when you got your ministry degree? So I know I met you right before you decided to get your ministry degree, but what was that process like? And did that bring any sort of redemption or healing? from the lives that you believed in high school? Oh, yes. The ministry residency that I went through, it was an accredited program through the University of Mobile, and I got my family ministry. I want to say it's technically a certification. It might be like an associate's degree. I might need to inquire into that. But regardless, it brought so much healing because not only was I meeting so many people at the church, and we go to a big church, so it was not It was nice to truly connect with all these people I wouldn't have been able to otherwise had I not invested so much time in that job and in that learning process. But it also was a beautiful thing to see that people who are high up in ministry, you almost expect them to be like celebrities, like to be a little snobby or something. I don't know why, I guess, because I didn't grow up in the church. I just assumed they'd like treat me like bugs underneath your feet, which was crazy. Oh my God, I'm happy. them they were the nicest kindest people and i didn't even know why but that like healed something in me too um but yeah some of my best friends like people that i'm going to be bridesmaid bridesmaid for in their wedding i met them through the ministry residency program and um just getting to love on the kiddos and preach um preach about the gospel to to ages that i never really got to experience the gospel was like such a fulfilling thing it was just so it was so sweet. So yeah, definitely all those relationships, all those answered prayers for mentors and friends, belonging to a family that just lived and breathed Christ was so, so amazing. Like probably 2023 was the best year of my life. Nothing can top it. That's excellent. Okay. So we're nearing the end of our time. Do you have any encouragement that you would like to give to high school students who may have gone through something similar to what may be going through something similar to what you experienced? Um... I would say, I know this might sound contrary to what I talked about earlier where the problem was that I'm lonely, but definitely if you're not at least trying to find community, find community because community changes so much. And if you are in a similar situation where you're trying and trying and trying and you can't find that biblical community, then I would say really make the Lord your best friend, above all. Any way you should be doing that. But if one of the issues is you feel like You feel alone. You feel isolated. Really press into the Lord and into his kindness. Know him more because he is the giver of peace. He's the perfecter of peace. And he rescued me from myself in a lot of ways. He rescued me from the lies. And so, yeah, I would just encourage any teenager, any person in high school, any parent of a high schooler, I don't know. To parents too. Yeah. Parents too. To really, really community's amazing. Biblical community. And then above all though, just really befriend the Lord because he'll give you guidance on what to do next. And he'll remind you of the truth of the importance of you in this present moment. Like he will speak truth over you. That's excellent. That's awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on Listen and Love Kaylee and sharing your testimony and giving encouragement that's incredible thank you for having me um oops hopefully that wasn't too loud I just got a notification of course we're so thankful that you're here um to our subscribers thank you for listening and watching listen and love please remember to leave a review on this podcast on your podcast provider that really helps us it's such a small action but it's so crucial to the message of listening and love of listen and love to be shared and spread wherever Jesus wants wants to take us. This past year, we were ranked number two in mental health podcasts in Alabama, and that was just incredible. It was such a blessing that none of us expected. So thank you so much for doing that and helping support this aspect of this ministry at Under His Wings. And also, speaking of Under His Wings, our annual Candy Cane Dash is on December 14th. This is a family event for all ages, which features a contest for the most festive Christmas attire and consists of one 5K and one mile fun run. I'll be there. Yeah. Kaylee's going to be there. She was also at our last event, The Stir, and you shared a little bit of your testimony here at The Stir. And I have a video of it. I might share it on her Instagram. Okay. Maybe. I'll get it approved. But yeah, so if you want to come say hi to Kaylee and shake her hand and she'll pray with you if you need that, come say hi. She'll also be running. So she may also pass you as you're running. And if you want to pray, my hands might be sweaty, but I can hold your hands and pray. It's okay. Yeah, it's okay. So she would love to speak to you if you're there. And we would also love to speak to you if you enjoy this podcast. So thank you for listening, and we hope that this encourages you to listen and love this week.

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