Accidentally on Purpose
Explore the intricacies of life, love, and growth through candid conversations and thought-provoking topics! Welcome to the Accidentally on Purpose Podcast where we aim to live intentionally even when life seems accidental
Accidentally on Purpose
Dear Mama
Brace for an emotional voyage, as I recount my mother's medical journey and its profound impact on me. I'm opening up about the raw pain of grief while highlighting the importance of self-care during such a tumultuous time. But this isn't just about my story - I'm using this platform to reach out to those who may be grappling with similar trials, in the hopes of providing some solace, guidance, and a sense of shared understanding.
We'll also delve into the profound lessons I’ve assimilated since my mother's passing. I'll share the significance of mindset shifts, the vitality of a balanced diet, and the fortitude found in a spiritual foundation. With this, I aim to inspire listeners to value the invaluable gifts our mothers leave us and recognize the power we possess to heal and grow from our grief. Above all, I hope to honor my mother's sacrifices and the indomitable spirit of single mothers everywhere, reminding us all to appreciate the immeasurable sacrifices they make for us.
Music. You got a re-lecture on that one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you had it that time you had it bent. Yes, that's why the channel about walking and your knees, your legs it's not too heavy to pick up. It's important to do that to get away from the water. I don't want to do it. I'll give it a few. But anyway, once you break the finger, get the blood, this magnetic piece goes into one end. It's for charging the steam in the oven. It's for the reader.
Speaker 1:And that's better it's brand of better than here. So the blood goes on that strip.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the blood goes on that strip.
Speaker 1:It's a little straight right there.
Speaker 2:It's a little like that. It's straight right there, see it, that's where it goes.
Speaker 1:And we'll be doing this if you're too weak to do it yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, just make sure that you change.
Speaker 1:You know I hate needles. You do a treatment today. I'm a hat too, but I'm a pray against it that we don't have to do that. You know what you say, hey we ain't claiming it. Yeah, that is good, because you just knocked off six of our medications.
Speaker 2:One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Speaker 1:I'm not the phone facing me, I am driving, but I ain't paying it, no more, so don't be alarmed. Something that bothered me, though, so I just left the hospital visiting my mom. She, you know down here getting some holistic treatment for her cancer and diabetes. So every time you go to the hospital and they charge you $10, which is stupid, I think you know if you have a relative or somebody staying long term, personally, I don't think you should be paying every day, but that's the hair and nail there. I've been going the last two weeks, so y'all do the math it's seven days in a week and I am there on Saturdays and Sundays. So yeah, shoveling out a lot of money right now, but the thing that bothered me to my core, to my soul, was dang.
Speaker 1:I'm black on here, so as I walk in and I think they were doing a shift change or something like that, and all of the nurses that I saw going into Memorial Hermann Harden Vascular Section of the hospital in Houston, here in Houston, they had Taco Bell, kfc, lubies, mcdonald's, and I'm like the nerve of these people y'all eating the very thing that is landing people in this division Like it's beyond me. I just don't get it. I do not understand that whatsoever. It's appalling. But I mean, you know, the medical industry is all about money. Ain't no money in the cure? The money is keeping you at bay, keeping you sick, boy, thank God, peace, peace, peace, people. Today is October 23, 2023. As y'all can tell, might be a little heavy this episode, but I don't think so I think it's a good way to outlet man.
Speaker 1:Today I am remembering my mother as she passed October 23, 2018. So every year this day, I feel like it should get easier, but it really don't. I think it's just something you deal with. If you are accustomed to grief, if you know about dealing with loss, then I mean, perhaps it don't get no easier. It's just the way it is. You got to deal with it. But today I'm choosing to remember my mom in a positive light, because I know that's what she would want me to do and yeah man, I'm thinking about the positive things and, you know, might shed a few tearful memories, but yeah, man, you just got to keep going those clips.
Speaker 1:So in the beginning, the intro my mom actually came to live with me. This was June of 2018. And she wanted to get a more holistic approach on her health. Knowing what I know now, I think my mom knew her time was up, matter of fact, I do know because the family confirmed what my dad did. So you know, I think she just wanted to spend some time with me, but you know, we tried to do the best we could but it fell short. So she was suffering from a rare form of endocrine cancer and also she was a diabetic, so she had two things working against her. But I'm very grateful for the time that we spent. You know me taking her to get her nails done and feet done and Massage and taking her out to eat. You know, and just, I know, I could never repay her for what she is to me, but you know, I think she left his earth knowing that her children were in good hands and she got to see all of us grow to be adults and For that I'm very grateful.
Speaker 1:I Do think there was a lot of mishaps with my mother passing as far as the medical industry goes, and I kind of voiced that in that last clip, that last clip of frustration. I voiced that, um, I Don't know, man, like I'm not trying to judge people and what they eat. I just feel like if you got a room full of sick people, a building full of sick people and a lot of cardiovascular issues and and all of that can be linked to your diet, I just understand why do we have these restaurants In here and Tyson these people? I vividly remember my mom Kind of getting mad at us because, you know, we didn't want to bring her a certain food because it was bad for her. But I tell you one thing my mom went on a raw food diet for 28 days and her diabetes literally reversed, like literally. She went from taking 17 pills a day to taking three, and Two of those three was for cancer.
Speaker 1:So it's, you know, it's things like that that make me reflect and and often wonder if I did, you know, know a little bit more. Or maybe if I wasn't so far away from school, maybe I could have been a little more hands-on. But you know, I don't know if that's my savior. Savior, complex, or is it? You know? Doubt from the enemy creeping in my mind, or regret, whatever it is, I can't shake that. It's not something that I think I'll ever get over, but I know how to deal with it.
Speaker 1:And, pardon me, part of the reason why I decided to Start pying again today, because I took some time off just because I had to figure out what the purpose of the pie is, you know supposed to be. You know supposed to be, and I'm not very big on popular culture. I mean, you know I see the headlines, like everybody else, but at the same time, I don't want that to be the home you know for, for I don't want my podcast to be a home for gossip in popular culture and rhetoric and things like that. So, with that being said, moving forward, I definitely want to. I will make sure that every episode is purpose purposeful, because I'm living a purpose driven life and I want to enlighten those that you know are dealing with loss, grief, are dealing with life after divorce, are dealing with life after depression, all those things that I went through. I think it's time for me to Really open up and share my testimony, like really dive into it. You know I've talked a bit about relationships on here. I never really got into the minutiae of things and the weeds of how it all came about. So throughout this, this next journey, this next chapter, man, I'm gonna keep my testimony on my lips because it stays in my heart and I know that I'm here to Impact others with the things that I've been through.
Speaker 1:I didn't go through all of that for myself. I I refuse to believe that I went through all those things for no reason. So, you know, and it all kind of linked back to when my mom passed, because it was. It was one thing to lose somebody or, you know, to go through grief, but for it to be a parent, I Don't think there is like I Don't know. I can't put into words the pain that is, and I know if, if anybody listened to this, if you have lost the parent, that you understand what I'm talking about. But it was tough, man, I ain't gonna lie, it was, it was. It was very tough when my mom has a piece of me past as well. I think a piece of my brother, my sister and my father passed and I think we are just now getting to a Place to where we can talk about it.
Speaker 1:You know, that clip that I showed in the beginning of the intro of the pie, I hadn't watched that Since 2018, I couldn't bear myself to watch it or see her face or hear her voice. So I think, like I said, it's not something that you you're like, you don't get over it. I just think it's something that you have to deal with. But I know, moving forward, I want to make sure that everything is purposeful and with that, with grief, if you're not taking care of yourself or you're not covered, you don't have to write company, you can isolate yourself and then you start to, you know, kind of start to handle things by yourself.
Speaker 1:And for me it was all bad. I isolated myself because I didn't. You know, I didn't have a lot of friends, at least the ones I thought I was friends with. They wasn't there for me. And you know, I try not to suffer from the BLM syndrome, as my therapist says and she classifies that as the be like me syndrome where, you know, oftentimes you want people to show up for us the way we show up for them. But you know, everybody's not the same. But you know, dealing with this loss and then, prior to my mom passing, my grandfather passed and then, after my mom passed, my grandmother passed and I lost the aunt as well. So it was just like a lot of loss, a lot of loss, man, and then you isolate yourself, which is the wrong thing to do, and then you start to develop this depression, which I thought it was seasonal. Like you know, I'll get through it. It's just, you know, I'm feeling my feels right now but no, man, I truly feel like depression is the gateway to a lot of other things. You know, alcoholism, which I dealt with, man, just suicidal thoughts, you know, which I also dealt with on a real level. You know, it's a miracle I'm here today and you know we'll get into that, that story as well.
Speaker 1:But I just wanted to hop on here, you know, quickly and just kind of preface the next ride that I'm about to take my listeners on. For those of you who may listen, whether it's one or one million man, I just wanted to, you know, impact one person in a positive fashion and make sure that I'm very tacked, like using I guess tactically, using subject matter, content and the creation of content to impact lives, because I just sit back and, you know, kind of reflect on the things that I've been through the past five years and it is a true miracle from God and I thank him every day that I'm still here before you all to bless this mic, create and just live life, man. A lot, a lot of things that happen. But you know I'd be in line if I say that I was happy with the previous pot because I felt like it was very surface and you know there's more to me than dating, even though we're going to get into that because a lot of things have changed.
Speaker 1:But more importantly, man, I just want to say, if you were out there dealing with something, I think the first thing you got to do is shift your mindset. If it's a sickness, if it's an illness, if it's a mental illness, if it's physical, emotionally, first thing you got to do is shift your mindset. Had I known now what I know, what I was supposed to know back then, I think I would have handled things a little bit differently. But yeah, step one, shift your mindset. You got to change the I got to to, I get to. Although you may be dealing with something traumatic or not traumatic, you know, I don't know what scale it is you are able to deal with it. There's some people that didn't wake up today, that cannot deal with it, so they don't get to, you know. So don't say I got to do this or you know it's not a burden. You know your mindset is your mindset. You got to control that.
Speaker 1:I really believe if my mom, if she, you know, she just didn't succumb to her negative thinking, which I totally get, you know, she didn't want to go on dialysis and she really had no choice. And I never forget the reaction when she woke up and the doc and my father was, we was all there in the room, the hospital room, and they told her she was on dialysis and she was like shocked, like no, I'm not, like she truly did not understand what was going on. And just to see her watch, or just to watch her, two, three times a week, four hours of treatment, it was. It was probably one of the most heartbreaking things that I've ever witnessed, because I knew like she was. She was, she just wasn't happy. You know it was harder seeing her like that than when she was in our living room in hospice, you know, in the bed and the doc, you know they was coming in and the nurses was, you know, saying she got three days or she may not make it through the night. So if you ever dealt with that, you know what I'm talking about and you know how tough it is. But you know, although she passed, I'd never forget when I got the call from my sister, I was just. You know the first thing that came over me was wow, she's home, she's at peace, because I didn't want to see her suffer, no more. She had lost so much weight. She basically was a vegetable. You know, because I had to Let me back up a little bit.
Speaker 1:I was, I was planning a wedding, like literally October 23. My mom passed. I was getting married in the Dominican Republic on November 3rd, so 10 days later. So I'm back in Indianapolis where my mom was, and my brother and my sister, my father at the time I lived in Houston so I said my goodbyes and you know I remember my mom grabbing my hand real tight and she, she couldn't talk. She, you know, she let some sounds out and I just like I knew like that was her way of communicating with me and and you know, I had to go. I knew, I knew that was it and yeah, man, it was, it was tough, but I remember getting that call from my sister and I just thought, you know, okay, she's, she's home now.
Speaker 1:It was, it was. It was a rough, rough battle with all that she was dealing with, but she lived every day to the fullest. She was still traveling, you know. It's like I mean she was going to Spain and like these are big trips, you know, my dad's taking everywhere and their girls were taking their places and stuff. So you know it was, it was, it was, it was a peaceful transition. I would say it was very peaceful. Yeah, so it was.
Speaker 1:I ain't, I ain't gonna lie, I had to take like five minutes. So if, when I edit this and if it, if it sounds like I mean these don't, these two, these two tones don't match, I'm sorry, in that van is I had to Take five minutes and gather myself because, honestly, this is the first time I'm really like openly talking about this. You know, I'm saying, and I go to therapy every week and I talk about it, well, you know, with my therapist, but I think it's one thing to share your story with the masses. So, yeah, I had to gather myself, but anyways, I was saying it was, it was a peaceful, you know, I guess, transition. But the aftermath Because like to lose the matriarch of your family, the backbone, it was a, it was, it was something that I think is the everlasting effect and I can still see it affects me, my dad, my sister and my brother.
Speaker 1:So so yeah, first thing, man, shift your mindset. Sickness may take over your body, or illness may take over your body, or even circumstances, but you, but you got the ability to control your mind, and when you think positively, like your body, your brain literally Releases endorphins positive endorphins and throughout the rest of your body. So that's the first thing I would do. The second thing, a second thing I would do, was put a filter on your mind, and what I mean by that is like we're so quick to put filters on pictures or videos for the gram, for Tiktok, whatever may be, but I think we got to do a better job of putting filters on our minds. So if you are dealing with something, not only do you need to change your mindset, but you also need to filter what you ingest, what you watch, what you listen to, who's around you, who you taking advice from. You got to put a filter on all of that. You only need to be surrounded by good things. I think the third thing you need to do is also on the on the I guess, alone the lines of what you ingest food.
Speaker 1:I know for a fact if my mom and my father were taught to eat you know, healthy, but there'd be plant based or Mediterranean, whatever you want to call it If we had a healthy household. I think my mind would still be here If we were taught those things. If my grandparents taught my parents those things, maybe I'm not having this conversation, but I know one thing when my mother went on that raw fat, she would literally her doctor put her on a raw food diet for 28 days and the food consisted of nothing that was cooked except tea. She had her meals planned out and it's kind of like a meal delivery service that was attached to the hospital. Shout out to Montgomery Heart and Wellness in Houston, texas. I'm grateful for y'all. Thank you for what you all did for my mother while she was here.
Speaker 1:I am a true believer that the body heals itself. It heals from within. I know firsthand. I'm dealing with that myself. Right now I'm not at the weight that I want to be at and it's linked to the depression that I fell in and the overeating when all of this stuff started to transpire. So change your mindset. Watch what you ingest, watch what you eat.
Speaker 1:And then I think fourth. For me, the last thing, which is probably the most important thing, is you have to have some type of spiritual outlet and foundation, whether it's church, whether it's you know therapy, whether it's meditation, whatever it is. Get out of the four walls that confine you, whether it's a cubicle space or your home, whatever it is. Go somewhere, find some place of peace where you can indulge in all that God created on a spiritual level. Now, if you don't believe in God and you don't pray, then it's on the plot of you.
Speaker 1:You can definitely do the previous three, but this one, I feel like for me in my household this is the most important one, because I know if it wasn't for God I wouldn't have made it. I literally had just man, bad, bad days sitting on the floor, grieving, crying, just all kind of stuff. Man, like the depression that set in on me. I don't wish on my worst enemy and you know I had suicidal thoughts in an attempt. It was a failed attempt. The gun was so old that it literally fell apart. It's funny now, but at the time it wasn't. You know, when I pulled the trigger it was right on my office floor, my home office. That is at my previous house. So yeah, man, but I know if I didn't have a spiritual foundation I wouldn't have been able to make it through that. I wouldn't have been able to make it out of that.
Speaker 1:So that's just four. You know kind of four keys for me that I think that can help the next person. You know I'm always available if somebody needs prayer or God is on how to deal with this. I'm genuinely using my platform now to try to impact and help, because I feel like I'm sitting on gifts and I'm not saying I'm an expert or anything. I just know what would help me get out of the fire that I was in.
Speaker 1:And this is just one thing we didn't even talk about. You know, the marriage that happened, and then the, or the wedding that happened, and then the marriage that did not happen after all of this transpired. We're going to get to that on another episode. But yeah, man, four things change your mindset Watch what you ingest, watch your diet. Most importantly, find you a spiritual outlet. And I think if those things are in order and you develop a routine, you got a better shot of beating whatever you're going through and shoot. That's for your general life. You don't have to be going through anything. But if you set those four things just for your general life, man, watch the, watch the doors God opened up for you, watch the great things that happen to you and for you.
Speaker 1:So yeah, on this day I'm celebrating my mom, and she passed way too soon. She was 56 and I just think that's too. It was too young for her to go, but I can say that she lived a. She lived a full life. She did a lot. She was an amazing woman. I think I get my rhythmic Well, not really that rhythmic, but the things I can do, like skate, I get that from my mom. She's an amazing skater singer dancer Like.
Speaker 1:I ain't never seen nobody out there or outskate my mother. She was just, she was dope man and she was super strong. Definitely get my hard work ethic from her. You know she was accustomed to holding multiple jobs down before she got sick. So, yeah, man pops was the hustler, mom's was the was the mastermind behind everything and, yeah, man she's. She's forever going to be missed. So that's it. I hope these four principles kind of helped you all and yeah, the next episode we definitely it's not going to be somber. I'm definitely going to get into some relationship issues because I've had a lot of changes in my life as far as the dating scene and relationships go and all of that, and most of all, I'm fine, I am doing well.
Speaker 1:I think that I had to go through all of those things to get to where I'm at today. It did not make sense. While I was going through it I often question God. Sometimes I wanted to give up. Sometimes I wanted to give up.
Speaker 1:You know, my church relationship I felt like was damaged. You know, just wondering like God, why would you take me? Like, what are you doing, bro? What are my going through all of this? Like just tell me where you want me to go and I'll meet you there. I don't need all these do detours man Like, but you know I understand his ways and his thoughts are not ours. So I had to buckle up, had to put my seatbelt on and get ready for the ride. And I'm still rolling and the wheels is tight and you know we're near falling off and everything is falling into place, everything that I lost. God has blessed me twice full, I truly say. My cup is running over right now with blessings and I'm just looking forward to helping the next people that may be going through something. So I got a lot of big plans in store. I just ask for your patience and suggestions, you know, and guidance as well.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to close this out with probably my favorite. I had one of my favorite songs, but I don't know, man, in light of the recent events that's happened with Tupac Shakur, who was the greatest rapper of all time to me, and there's no debate. Debate. Your mama Probably shouldn't say that, sorry, mom. Debate amongst yourselves. I should say Um, yeah, song called Dear Mama, but I remember him performing his life for a Mother's Day brunch and he hit on the people that don't have a mother and why we should, you know, hold on to him while we got him. So we're going to close it with that. But for me, man, if you, if you still have your mother or your father or somebody that raised you, mend those relationships, stay close, apologize, also accept the apology that you may never get, and move on and forgive, because it is truly a lonely feeling being a motherless child. So I see y'all next week. Peace.
Speaker 2:Dupont. Come on, hey, before we go into the song. I know everybody love that mama, but I want to talk about something else first. I want to talk about the people that don't have that mama no more, because we all sometimes forget to appreciate our mothers. But, like my little homeboy, moutar, he don't got no mother. Today, while we all shedding smiles and being happy, they can't be happy because they don't got no mama, danny Boy. He's singing off for all of y'all, mama Danny Boy, out here, making everybody feel good. He ain't got no mama to hug him. We got to get back to that old school shit, but we all care for everybody and all of us raise all these kids because we all out of hand. So last year about this time I was sitting in a maximum security penitentiary. I couldn't sing this song for my mama. But I'm going to do it today for all y'all and all of y'all. Mama, dear mama, baby.
Speaker 2:When I was young, me and my mama had beef, 17 years old, kicked out on the streets Though back at the time I never thought I'd see a face in a woman alive Back in take my mama's place, suspended from school and scared to go home. I was a fool with the big boys, breaking all the rules and shed tears with my baby sister. Over the years we was poor than the other little kids and even though we had different daddies, same drama with. Things went wrong. We blamed mama. I reminisced on the stress I caused. It was hell hugging on my mama from a jail cell and hooping in elementary hey, I see the penitentiary one day Running from the police. That's right. Mama cast me, put a woman to my backside and even as a crack-feed mama, you always was a black queen Mama. I finally understand. For a woman it ain't easy trying to raise a man. You always was committed, a poor, single mother on welfare. Tell me how you did. It Ain't no way I could pay you back. Look here my plan to show you how I understand Mama. You all appreciate it. You know I love you, sweet mama. Hey, check this out. Put your hands in the air. If you love your mama, let me see. Just raise your hands in the air. If you love your mama. Raise your hands in the air. Just hear mama Ain't nobody tell us it was fair.
Speaker 2:No love from my daddy because the coward wasn't there. He passed away. But I didn't cry Because my anger couldn't let me feel for a stranger. They say I'm wrong in the politics, but all along I was looking for a father. He was gone.
Speaker 2:I hung out with the thugs and even though they sold drugs they showed a young nigga love. I moved out and started really hanging. I needed money on my own so I started slain. But I ain't guilty because even though I sell rocks, it feels good putting money in your mailbox and I love paying brick with the rents. Dude, I hope you got the diamond necklace that I sent to you Because when I was young you was there for me. You never left me alone because you cared for me and I could see you after school trying to make dinner, fix us a hot plate, just working with the scraps you was giving. Because mama made miracles, everything's given. But now the road got rough. You're alone, trying to raise two bad kids on your own. Ain't no way I could pay you back. But my plan to show you that I understand RG appreciate it.