Accidentally on Purpose
Explore the intricacies of life, love, and growth through candid conversations and thought-provoking topics! Welcome to the Accidentally on Purpose Podcast where we aim to live intentionally even when life seems accidental
Accidentally on Purpose
Lived Single
Relationships can be beautifully complex, yet intricately linked to our past traumas. We're going to dive into the importance of self-awareness in relationships, our behavioral patterns, and the need for continuous self-improvement. It's about not pushing those we care about away during conflicts, being present, and addressing our past traumas. We'll also have an open chat about our dating experiences and share some potent advice. Finally, we'll wrap up by harnessing the power of affirmations and share some of my favorite podcast recommendations. So, are you ready to embrace self-love, and positive affirmations, and start making your dreams a reality? Join me as we embark on this insightful journey.
Oh hey, kyle, when you looking? You're looking sharp there. Oh yeah, you had your little date with your little friend. Uh huh, I don't know How'd it go. So what are you guys? What are you buddies or no? I don't think so, but I will say it was refreshing being with someone who wasn't afraid to tell me that she enjoyed my company. She enjoyed a blank wall. Kyle, how good can you feel? It was also refreshing being with someone who didn't constantly take pot shots at me. Well, give her time to know.
Speaker 1:You is to dish you. You make it impossible to talk to you. Everything is a tug of war. Kyle, what do you want? I want a woman who is affectionate. I want a woman who has a picture of me in her apartment. I want a woman who does not send me out on dates with other women. I do have pictures of you. They make wonderful coasters. You know you have never taken me or this relationship seriously. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, get off of it, kyle. I mean you don't want a girlfriend, you want a psychiatrist who's good in bed. Listen to my problem, listen to my problem. Well, hey, look, if I don't make you happy, then why are you with me? Good point. So why don't we just say I'm no longer with you? We're through, it's over, don't want you. Bye-bye.
Speaker 2:Yo, what is going on, people? Welcome back to another edition of the Accidentally On Purpose podcast, a safe place where you can have positive judgment. Yes, I'm full of oxymorons today. Man, hope all is well. Welcome to November. New month, new blessings. I pray all y'all's dreams turn into realities and we back creating. So, yeah, wishing y'all all the best. That was a scene from one of my favorite shows of all times.
Speaker 2:If you know me, I'm stuck in the 90s. I feel like I was born a little too early. I'm a late 80s baby. I was established in the 80s, but I feel like if I was an adult in the 90s, I'd be a lot more successful than what I am right now. Yeah, a lot of authenticity and substance I feel I possess does not get the adoration that it should. I don't even know if that was the right word I should use, but I've been reading a lot. I'm on my Stephen A Smith right now, but yeah, so we back man. We ready to? Well, I'm ready to talk about all things relationships today and what's been going on.
Speaker 2:Recap of the week. Nba season is back in the field. I really don't give a damn about, for obvious reasons. College football is going on. I see a lot of y'all don't hop off the coach prime train, but I'm still riding with the Colorado Buffalo's. I'm adopted fan. I filled out my band wagon application and they accepted it. So yeah, man, I know last episode it was. It was heavy. Just remember my mom and the positive light that she was. October 23rd is when she passed.
Speaker 2:So every year I'm going to um you know, take time to reflect and remember her in a positive light. But, um, yeah, getting back to the intro man, we definitely going to dive into relationships and just how I feel. Like 90 sitcom and music kind of shaped my thought pattern of like who I am today, like the examples of what I saw, and I wish we can get back to that, but unfortunately we can not. So, yeah, man, Hope everybody had a blessed week. Very chill week for myself. Um, taking some time off of work. We'll get into that a little bit later. See you on the later episode.
Speaker 2:And, um, man, just doing a lot, of, a lot of pouring into myself right now, being very selfish this season, um, it's a, it's a me season. I feel like I've stretched myself enough in other avenues and aspects of life to where I need to take this time to really just pour into myself. Um, especially physically, man, I'm really hitting the gym heavy. So, yeah, the shirtless gray sweat pan picks are on the way plan, um, I think my lady would like that. Oh, but uh, yeah, I'm working on my vision board and getting ready to uh, go see Tony, tony, tony this Saturday in LA and looking forward to that and I pray that they are on their best behavior, not on their Lauren Hill behavior, as if you all may have seen her in the headlines lately and she I guess she kind of went on stage and told the crowd you know, y'all should be happy that I'm here. Don't worry about that, stop me, but take it easy. No, don't know if I agree with that. I don't know if that's how you treat your fans, cuz I looked at those Lauren Hill tickets in About 400, I was pop, so I'd probably be pissed if I paid, you know, for two of them and then, after you add taxes and fees, that's almost $1,100. Yeah for you to be late, man, but what a time it is to be alive in this world that we're living in and so much going on. I'm here to put a pause on all the negatives and just give y'all some things to look forward to. You know, and have you. I'm a love. That's the way I'm moving. Heavy on the 90s. They ain't 90s. R&b don't include me About to get back to spinning as well. So y'all make sure y'all be on the lookout for that. Follow me at one Keenan Hall for all things, the accidentally on purpose podcast or my R&B show. So yeah, man, let's kick it off.
Speaker 2:So November 3rd just passed and it was. It was. It's quite laughable, honestly, because Facebook has a way of reminding you what you were doing and this is why I think I'm like I Got a love hate relationship with social media. I'll pot, because it's another form of therapy for me, although I do go to therapy weekly. Shout out to my therapist, miss Jackie.
Speaker 2:Um, I Like to get, you know, some things off my chest, but it's just crazy how Every time I'm not even a Facebook user, but I'll get on there and I look at the memories.
Speaker 2:I don't know why I did, but you know, november 3rd was actually a former, my former wedding anniversary.
Speaker 2:So it showed all of those things and and I don't even remember half of the the things that I had posted because I was, I was grieving, as you all know, moms had just passed a week before that, so I really didn't even get a chance to really enjoy the destination wedding In the DR that's, that's where I got married at and I was. I was shocked like damn. I didn't even know that you know so-and-so took a picture. So I'm kind of glad that Facebook did remind me of those things because it inspired me to do a little bit of Autumn cleaning. So I had about 7,000 followers on IG and I went through and cleaned house. I really did, I think. Now I'm down to about 3600 and I just felt like if I didn't, if I didn't really know you, if I didn't have any followers in common with you, if you was posting things that I didn't want to see, I just you know, politely removed myself and removed you because I'm trying to fix the algorithms, because I'm really trying to put a filter on my life.
Speaker 2:You know what I, what I ingest, what I watch, what I eat, you know who I let in and things like that. So thank you, facebook, for that reminder and, and you know, I actually took the time to appreciate what I have now. You know there's a song Shoot, his name is escaping me. I know it's Raheem divine, kevin Ross, anthony Hamilton and Eric Roberson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in the hook it it is. You know. It says now, realize everything I went through. I think I'm messing up the hook, but basically everything he went through led him to the woman that he's with now. So all the sleepless nights and failed dates and things like that, you know, I just kind of use that time to reflect and in the plots of my own situation and realize you know, right package, wrong address. So Thank you, facebook. And social media is clean. I just got to clean up that exploit page in those algorithms, cuz I Don't know what the hell be going on. I, when I click on the little hourglass, I don't see nothing. But why? Used to, it was like Instagram models and, yeah, basically TNA, but now I fix it to where I only see barbecue restaurants, cuz I'm a I'm a foodie, travel and, of course, the Golden State Warriors, my team that I follow. So Thank you to Facebook once again.
Speaker 2:Wrapping up, last week, man, I had a great therapy session. My therapist actually help me unpack and and dive a little deeper. I think it's one thing to go to therapy, but it's another thing to really go in there and leave. What an action plan and like, what is your homework? What are you gonna do this week? And bring back a report to your therapist the next time y'all meet, and that way you could keep track of your improvements or, you know, your regressions, and for me, it's all about improvement. Like I said, this is a me season, so I had a lot of affirmations that I had written down and I've repeated those to myself and and uh, yeah, man, just some great practical exercise exercises.
Speaker 2:And one thing I realized is I Live a very blessed life, no matter how much stuff I've gone through, how much stuff I've lost. I look at where I am right now and it's like truly a miracle is nobody but the blood of Jesus and the power of God that has his hand over my life, because I I now live in the number one most expensive city Smack that downtown. I'm looking out the window right now and I see water. You know I'm in a high rise, I have access to go to the beach or you know this place costs. I said Cliffswell, I can meditate and pray and release those negative toxins in my mind and in my body. I got a great gym. I got a church except few churches, depending on what I was, what I'd be in fair that day. I got a great, great woman in my life and, yeah, I pretty much got everything that I need to be successful, you know. And I just had to check myself and appreciate those things and realize, although I've lost a lot over the past few years, I've also gotten that back. So thank you for that and that's the, that's the report I'm gonna take back to my therapist when we meet here tomorrow actually the seventh year. So, yeah, man, now for the good juicy stuff relationships. It's funny that I mentioned my lady who I'm with and it's going great, getting ready to head on another vacation. Y'all stay tuned for that.
Speaker 2:But I I started to see some of the things that I was bringing into, like our current situation, from the past and it goes back to me saying make sure you are ready for what you're asking for. I had to check myself on that. Y'all know I went through. If you are a, if you are a regular listener and I say that loosely because I've deleted a lot of episodes that I feel like didn't serve the purpose but Within those episodes I kind of wish I didn't, because I talked about a lot of failed dates. I'm gonna go back and relive some of those stories, but I always talked about make sure you're ready for what you're asking for. So Now that I got that, I started to see my own behavior patterns, bringing some some past traumas that I felt like I was healed from. But I kind of was.
Speaker 2:I guess using this, this term that they use in in therapy and it's the be, I think. I think my therapist calls it BLM and I and I talked, touched on this last episode be like me syndrome, where always say I just want somebody to show up for me the way I show up for them and that's impossible. That we are. We're not a monolithic. You know people, we are different. So I Just can't hold certain people to certain standards because they're in your life for a reason.
Speaker 2:So in my relationship I started to have kind of the quit before you get fired syndrome where I would magnify one Disagreement and not even disagreement, one, my new Difference of opinion, into something that it wasn't and it was because of Things that I went through in my past marriage. So I'm saying all this to say to guys and and women Make sure you are constantly, constantly doing the work on yourself. Do not get into a situation to where you are reverting back I'm sorry, my dog out here tripping Do not get in the situation to where you are reverting back to old behaviors that God has healed you from. Don't push a partner away, don't think you know. Then the most negative outcome is always gonna happen.
Speaker 2:So Me, in the way that I grew up and what I saw, it's always like, well, fuck it, i'ma leave, excuse my French. I see my, my parents. They were married all my what? They were together all my life. They were married since that. I was eight, I think, up into my mom's passing. So, although you know my mom and dad loved each other, it was, it was rocky, toxic stuff at times. You know. I remember growing up seeing my mom and dad would get into it and my dad would go sleep in the other room and, looking back at it now, it probably was for like two, two weeks maybe, but it seemed like forever. It seemed like two months At one point in time, just because of like how tense it was in the house and they would literally walk past each other and I say nothing.
Speaker 2:So I think where, well, what I've learned in my healing journey and also doing the work on myself a lot of the times in my marriage, that's the way that I will handle things. It was. It was almost like a purposeful punishment, like okay, well, you, you wronged me this way, so I'm gonna get you back by not saying until you, I'm gonna, I'm gonna fend for myself, I'm gonna do things for myself, and that's just not the way that you should Behave. You know you should not Walk past the person that you are doing life with every day and not speak Like whatever it is that y'all going through, y'all need to fix that right then and there, because of that problem lingers. Then that then becomes into a larger issue and I kind of saw myself acting like that in my current relationship and I had to catch myself. You know, I had to go in there and really catch myself and apologize and say, listen, we gonna, we gonna fix this. Right now. You know, like, like I and I kind of I Don't know I'm not looking for no applause or anything. I mean, you know, I guess I get myself some applause, but I'm proud of myself because I think I handle I handle that well and I'm learning To just let go of those negative things, because one thing a woman hate is, or a man, when you in a relationship with somebody, they get tired of you saying you gonna leave, like eventually it goes to alright, we're gonna make up.
Speaker 2:You know, I let it slide the second time. You might let it slide Third hell, you might even let it slide again. But you start getting to a repeated behavior. Then that person starts to believe you and then it turns out to our go ahead, like leave, I'm done, like I'm emotionally tired of being in this situation and whatever you gonna do, you gonna do. So go ahead and leave.
Speaker 2:So that's one thing that I picked up on In my own behavior. One thing about me I'm very self-aware. I have conversations with myself a lot. I would literally go look myself in America and ask myself do I this? Do I deserve what I'm asking for? And I think, like, personally, I always ask myself why am I doing this work on myself and not seeing results from it? Like, why do I revert back to this behavior, whether it's, you know, a eating pattern or how I treat my partner, or Just talking down on myself?
Speaker 2:So I'm just here, you know, to kind of, I guess, deliver that that message of encouragement, like be very self-aware of what comes out of your mouth and how you handle situations and Address those traumas that you may have seen growing up. You know and I know that's a direct Derivative of what I saw growing up between my parents the way I handle, why I handled conflict or disagreements was to be very standoffish and kind of Rude, in a sense. Not walking past somebody and not speaking to them or giving them short answers is very rude. And I realized that now dealing with woman that I prayed for and it, you know it, I don't think it was nothing major that would have caused friction in our relationship, but it was almost like I was disappointed in myself because, like, damn bro, like you want that therapy every week you pray, you meditate, you got, you know, access to these, to these spots that you go to declare your mind, but why aren't you bringing those positive practices home in this situation, like it wasn't even over nothing?
Speaker 2:So so if from my voice to the listeners ears, man, constantly do to work on yourself and just make sure you are ready for what you're asking for. Don't push anything away. Face it head on. Have you, you can have a discussion without it being a lively debate, you know. And most of all, do not threaten to leave. Don't let the D word. If you're married, don't let the D word come out of your mouth. D word is divorce, because that's the same thing as death, because divorce is the same thing as death, except without a burial. Trust me, I went through it and it was probably one of the most taxing things that I went through.
Speaker 2:So I feel like moving into this new season that I'm in, where I got, you know, everything is just a just about aligned in my life and it's great. I don't want those repetitive behaviors to affect the future, because I literally got what I prayed for and I often use this analogy sometimes will ask God. Okay, if you ask God for a cake and he give you a bowl eggs, flour, sugar, mix and spoon. You know saying flower, like it's still a cake. You just got to put some work in. So God asked. God gave me what I was asking for a woman of substance, higher standards, believes in him. But I got to put the work in to unpack the things of getting to know her and what she's gone through, and meet her in the middle of the road and make her feel protected and wanted. And I got a like her.
Speaker 2:A lot of y'all are with people you don't even like, and I identified with that so much because I was in a marriage with somebody that I Grew to not like. I had very and I'm sure it was both ways, because of the things that I would say, you know, using the D word, a lot threatened to leave and like. It got to a point where we were pulling the very worst out of each Other. And if you are with somebody that you love and you doing life with, and God is supposed to be in the center, you two are supposed to be pulling the very best out of each other and that's all across the board. Whether you are, you know, gay, straight by Whatever you know, I don't love, don't have no, no orientation, you know no gender, no, you know none of these acronyms we we like to use.
Speaker 2:Love is love and if it's pure and if it's, if it's focused on all things pure, as the scripture says, then it's gonna work. So it's just something that I've learned and I'm learning, continuing to learn Good conflict resolution skills, confronting things head on, apologizing, but also learning from the situation, because the best apology is your change behavior. So Very proud of myself for handling that and not letting the enemy getting away of a good thing, because, man, we got such a good thing. And, man, big shout out to my lady in my life, the woman in my life, for being patient and, you know, being super understanding, as this has been a very tough the last month. Well, it's been a tough three weeks just because of all of the, the memories and in things like that.
Speaker 2:So, but you know, it's nice, not as bad as as it could be, and I'm blessed, she's blessed, we're blessed and we're gonna continue to rock out like that. So yeah man.
Speaker 2:I hope y'all take them tidbits and apply those to your relationship or your dating journey. And I think One thing for me that I constantly lean on is scripture because, like I'm not, I'm not a holy roly person, but I have a foundation. I believe in God. I believe like Jesus was the son of God, and by black I mean he comes from that upper northern part of East Africa, but we'll talk about that on a later date. And Ephesians 4 if you are, you know, into your Bible and things like that it says and your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. So if you are in a relationship, you do not go to bed mad at each other because it weighs on you so much and it really pleases the enemy when you do that. Another thing is if you, if, if you go so that was Uh was at verse 26 if you go to 29, it talks about unwholesome talk.
Speaker 2:And one thing that I struggled with Personally myself was I was down talking myself a lot. I felt like when I was married and just like all of the ails that I took, I got a. I developed this low self-esteem talk. I really and I still do. When I'm trying to correct that, I talk about myself bad, like what I weigh, you know, saying how I look. It's just. It almost got to a point where I didn't expect nothing good to happen to me because I was kind of stuck in my misery. I didn't really I can't say misery, I was just stuck in my circumstance and I didn't see the way God was working on my behalf. So I always try to lean on that.
Speaker 2:Well, this scripture was for Ephesians 4 29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building yourself and others up according to his or her needs. So yeah, no, no the tidbit. I know I'm heavy on the love in the scripture, but if you ain't, I get it. Tune to some another part. Now I'm playing, so Wrapping that up. Man, I'm glad I made it out this situation, I'm glad things are going well and I'm gonna continue to. You know, just learn weekly and I encourage you all to do as well.
Speaker 2:Also, I was asked I Was somebody asked me If you're new to the dating scene, like how do you move? Like what's my view on dating? So I I have so much to say about this, but I need my theme music, so let's get it. So, um, I was a serial dater. I ain't gonna lie to y'all. I'm not gonna lie on these airwaves. This is what happens when you come out of a serious situation like me, whether you are seriously dating in a relationship for a long period of time or you was married.
Speaker 2:I was married, got a divorce. I never gave myself time to actually heal and just sit with myself. I mean, I did a little bit, but as soon as I got to San Diego I said all right. Actually, as soon as I received my decree papers, I said I'm all right, I'm my, you know the creaser, final finalization of your divorce. I said I'm gonna get out here. So I'll call myself getting on the app. Matter of fact, I was on a few. I was on bumble. Bumble is like it's like. It's like shopping at Home Depot. Like a lot of white people, you know you'll see a few different. You know races in their ethnic. You'll see like black, mexican, chinese you know what I'm saying like Puerto Rican, whatever. Whatever you are, you might see that on bubble in my geographical location, cause I'm in SoCal, I'm in Southern California, I didn't stay on there too long Call myself getting on black. Very, very, very, very different experience. Black is like Waffle House Dollar, general Family Dollar, five Below of Dating. Went on a date on black and it was terrible.
Speaker 2:The woman was married and her husband showed up to our date. He had just tried to set her on fire the night before. So it was terrible. Didn't even know none of this, by the way, Got off of there with the quickness Got on hinge. I would say hinge is probably your best bet, depending on where you are. If you are trying to online date, because I just don't see how you can meet somebody face to face in today's climate, I would say hinge is like target. You know you go in there for one thing. Next thing, you know you are opened up to things that you didn't even know you wanted to buy. So you buy it.
Speaker 2:And the way to move through that is you got to use discernment. You got to be very meticulous on your settings. Set your settings. You know what you desire and I fell into this trap of what was easy on the eyes. So, going back to the question how to move, if you are new to dating, I'm no expert. I'm only telling you my experience. What I will tell you is to make sure you've done, or are doing, the work on yourself. That way you can recognize red flags in those past traumas. That way you don't bring them into a new situation. Number two make sure you use discernment Like you have to, man, you can find yourself in some uncompromising situations. Trust me, I have. I was going on, man. Sometimes I had maybe two dates on one and one weekend or three and one week, like it was.
Speaker 2:It was bad man but I didn't give my. I didn't, I didn't, you know, take my own advice. I didn't sit still. I moved here from Houston, you know I got a. I got an amrit, with the palm trees and the weather and the water and the variety of women it was like you know, it was like fruity pebbles out here Pause. It was a lot of different races I didn't know could mix. You know I never seen Cambodia in a black. You know where I'm from, never seen that. It was just different.
Speaker 2:So I'm going on dates with people that I would never even think about going on dates with. You know, atheists, yogis, tree huggers. I went on a date with girl in the shape of a horse. That's not for me. Not saying that you, you know, should be like me, but I can't do it. I need, you know, good hygiene. I'm trying to be so nice.
Speaker 2:Probably the biggest lesson I could offer is do not give too much too early. I had this and I didn't notice until a girl told me this. She said you know, you kind of love bomb, like I didn't even know that was apparently you're not supposed to give flowers on the first day to every girl, me being from the Midwest and Southern as well. My parents are both from the South. You know Southern roots and you know any Naples Indiana is is it's Midwest but it's also Southern at times. I would say I just thought I was being super shiver is, but that should have had up. I ain't gonna lie Bying roses when you going on two, three dates and you paying for the dinner and none of those girls that I went on dates with got a second date, except one. It was. It was a bit much. And I, when I think about all the money that I lost, like I probably could have claimed some of these women on my taxes and got a return instead of on IRS. But that's neither here nor there. Do not give too much too early. Do not give too much of yourself. Be open and honest, but also use discernment on who you sharing things with, because those very people could try to use those things against you.
Speaker 2:Case in point I went on a date with a young lady. I guess she was of a certain stature, I'll put it like that. She was in a industry that was lucrative. You know she was entertainer. Trying to use discernment because I don't want to get sued. She was in the music industry, let's just put it like that and I brought, you know, I brought flowers and went on a date and we even kicked it a time after that where I was invited to her home and when I was invited to her home.
Speaker 2:This is when I realized that, oh, she is of a certain like standard. Like she, she's a materialistic type person and the standard that I set, she thought that I could keep up with the roses in the rooftop dinners and things like that, because she had Fendi bags and YSL heels and things like that. And I quickly realized that I was in over my head. And when I really sat back and I tried to have a general human conversation with her, it was nothing. It was like talking to a damn wall. It was terrible. There was just no, there was just like nothing there. You know, she even went to the extent to tell me that God wasn't that important in her life, and it was at that moment I knew I had fucked up. I had to get on the pot. I'm sorry, lord, I had to let it go, man.
Speaker 2:So if you were listening to this which I know you are, because you specifically asked me if you're new to the dating world, how do you move? My brother, take it from me. Don't give too much too early. Don't love bomb these women and ladies. Don't love bomb men. If you're all into that, make sure you are ready for what you're asking for. If you looking for an Instagram model, understand she's going to come with Instagram model problems. Please understand that. We can get into that on a on a later date.
Speaker 2:Also, make sure you are doing the work on yourself, that way you can recognize those red flags, because what you don't want to do is be like me when you get in a circle of serial dating and next thing you know you wake up and it's like damn, it's New Year's Eve. I've been dating since July, august, ain't establishing no connection. All I got is a low bank account and I'm bringing in a new year by myself to show for you. You don't want to do like that or you don't want to be like that. So take it from me, man, it gets greater later. So, yeah, that is my two cents on what you should do if you're, if you're, new to the, to the dating world, and hope it impacts somebody, because I wish somebody would have gave me the game. I was new out here in these streets, man, but but yeah, that's pretty much all I had today. I'm really big on just learning from your mistakes. A wise person learns from the mistakes of others. So I just want to use this platform to kind of be informative and also share my story about what I've gone through, what's working for me and what hasn't worked for me, and I hope that this new month and these last 50 some days of the of 2023 is filled with prosperity and success for you all, and I'll leave you with the Weed Urban.
Speaker 2:So November affirmations from Weed Urban. Follow them on IG. Is I am in charge of my fate. I'm present in my mind and body. I am a brilliant creator. I am in a state of renewal. I am at peace with my imperfections. I am making my dreams reality. I am the savior I have been searching for. I am honest with myself. I am turning my shoulds into must. I am cool under pressure. I'm cultivating meaningful relationships. I'm leveling up, one choice at a time. I'm always growing. I am enough, just as I am. In the meantime, in between time, people y'all check out the previous version, previous episodes of accidentally on purpose. Podcasts available everywhere Amazon Music, spotify, apple Podcasts, google Podcasts, iheartradio, series, xm, even on audible video coming soon, telefran and Telefran. And yeah, look out for R&B only as well, where I play nothing but R&B on mixLRcom. I'm heavy on a love. I'm all about spreading that and keeping the couples together. So y'all be good to each other, put value in each other so we can have value society, peace.