Accidentally on Purpose
Explore the intricacies of life, love, and growth through candid conversations and thought-provoking topics! Welcome to the Accidentally on Purpose Podcast where we aim to live intentionally even when life seems accidental
Accidentally on Purpose
Brown Sugar
Ever been caught in a whirlwind of emotions while using a dating app? I've been there and I'm sharing my journey, right from the exhilarating highs to the disappointing lows. We talk about recognizing the subtleties of modern dating, navigating the virtual maze of connections, and perceiving the red flags that could save us from a heartbreak. We also reveal the surprising similarities between our relationships and our connection with music, both requiring constant attention and adaptation.
Then, we shift gears to throw light on the untouched aspects of relationships. Amid expressing love for our partners and supporting them, we often forget to prioritize ourselves. We discuss why it's essential to honor your worth and not sabotage your happiness. I also share some advice on how we can cultivate gratitude and add more value to our relationships. Strap in for an eye-opening exploration of love, life, and self-growth.
Wow, she must really be something. She's brown sugar. Yeah, make it down for me. You know we all look up for white material. A woman that's fine, smart, classy, but not a snob. You know, hella, hella, sexy, but not a ho, that's brown sugar. That's my Reese. I mean, don't get confused by her business suit. She is a freak in the bedroom when it happens.
Speaker 3:A little bit too much information.
Speaker 1:Hey, I'm just letting you know. Then, on the converse side of things, you got the girls, the video shoot, but they breast is all propped up and they boobies hanging out, they breasted. I like to refer to them as a Cindy Lauper honey. They just like to have fun.
Speaker 3:That shit didn't always feel like it felt when y'all first met. That's not how it always felt. People get married thinking that, like I meet you and this shit feel like this and we on a high and I'm going to marry you. Because, man, this shit been feeling like this for a year straight. I already know I got my person. It's going to feel like this forever.
Speaker 3:Shit, that first year after you get married or two years after you get married and that shit don't feel the same Like then it's like damn, we ain't supposed I guess we're not supposed to be married. No, you got to now find a new way to fall in love with this person from this valley that. You got to find a way to get back to the peak. So what does that take, man? We got to go on more dates. I got to listen more. I got to like shit.
Speaker 3:I got to turn this IG off because they keep suggesting all the baddest bitches. I got to stop looking that way so I could just focus on this and appreciate what I got boom, boom. So similar to a relationship where you look at people that have been married 40, 50 years like how many times did they have to fall back in love with each other. How many times could they not stand each other within that 40, 50 years? And how many times did they say you know what, instead of separating, we're going to make it work, and I got to re-fall back in love with you.
Speaker 2:So it's a pleasure to meet. Yo, what is up everybody? Welcome back to another edition of the Accidentally On Purpose Podcast, where me myself and I the host, the proprietor, the HNIC of the show explore the intricacies of life, love and growth through candid conversation, thought-provoking topics, while trying to live intentionally even when life seems accidental. Yes, y'all, accidentally On Purpose Got some guests coming up, but for this week you got me. Man, just want to say thank you to everybody that listened to last week's episode or downloaded it. Definitely got some surprising numbers. I wasn't expecting so it's really motivating me to keep going. So thank you. Like, share, subscribe. We are or I am everywhere Amazon Music, spotify, apple Podcast, iheart, google Podcast. Wherever podcast I heard, I am there, even on Audible and Pandora. So yeah, man, let's pick a right where I left off. Actually, man, shout out to my favorite movie, probably my second favorite. Six man is my first. I would say Probably Brown Sugar is number two.
Speaker 2:That was a clip from Brown Sugar where Tate Diggs was explaining to Sonali Lathin's character what Brown Sugar is and why he then loved his wife until he celebrated his divorce with Richard Lawson. And then, before that or after that, jake Cole was on Lil Yachty's podcast I believe it's called a Safe Space pod, and he was comparing being married, which he is, and how he had to like, re-fall in love with his wife to the music, and that's why he's snapping right now, because you can genuinely see and hear the love that he has for his family and his music. I think it says a lot when a brother has his priorities in order. You can see that and I see that in Cole and it's truly inspiring. So I do not own the rights to any of those clips, so don't come after me. But yeah, let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 2:Last week was the episode called Live the Single, and that's past tense, because I am not, although some people chose to run with the clip and not listen to the entire clip, listen to the pod and its entirety and ask questions like bro, why are you on a dating app? Aren't you married? Do thisSomethingIt? I am married. I love a Kissume Y Göran. Yes, I'm married, yesumi, get out of here. And I just shake my head. You know, because I ain't been married in some years now and you know. Maybe you know, maybe these people did not pay attention to what's going on, but I think I truly believe that we have an epidemic of people where there's no more concern but rather noziness I don't know if that's a word, but I could definitely identify with somebody is genuinely like shocked. Like you know you was married, like what you know, like you good, or just trying to fish around and figure out what happened. If you want to know what happened, listen to the pie what.
Speaker 2:That being said, last week we touched on, just like my, my dating experience as far as the apps go, and I stand on what I stand on my geographical location. If you was on black then it was pretty much like Waffle House with two cooks or Walmart with a thousand customers on Black Friday and two lines to check out. It's very, very ghetto. A bumble for me was a site with a lot of non black women or women of color period, and I'm not vast and experienced with non black women, that's all I know. So wasn't for me, but hinge was dope. It was a great user experience. It was. It was like shopping at Target with Chick-fil-A service. You know I ran into some weirdos, but nothing, nothing like black, I'll tell you that.
Speaker 2:So, man, picking up where I left off, I think. I think it's important for me to state that this is my experience. I'm not trying to. I'm not an expert, I don't know what to do. I don't know where you live at if this, if this pie comes across your ears, but do understand that I am qualified to talk about my dating life because it's my dating life and hopefully you can learn from my experiences and mistakes and you know kind of shape that to. To not get burned out here, trust me, I don't. I don't mean burning a like STD or STI way, but I mean like your feelings hurt, because that has happened to me. The feelings part, that is Um.
Speaker 2:So for me there were three phases of dating. When I was fresh out of marriage bright eyed, bushy tailed I said you know what, I'm going to get myself back, I'm gonna hit the gym hard, I'm gonna get out here and try new foods and meet new people. And it didn't really work out the way I thought it was going to work out. So you got to be getting the middle and the end and the beginning. I was game for every everybody. You know I don't care what background you had, like if I matched with you. You know I swiped. I swiped a certain way and we matched. We went out, um, and I paid. I was really tricking off money and I was the beginning, and then in the middle, I was like, let me be a little more meticulous. So I took a break. I took a break after, after the middle part of my daddy didn't work out, where I thought I connected with somebody but ended up getting ghosted. So, like that was the middle part, I was like, all right, I'm a, I'm a chill.
Speaker 2:So the end of it for me is when I got back on hinge, this was like, uh, maybe this might have been my third or fourth download, honestly, and I was all in because I paid the monthly membership. I'm buying roses and cause you could send virtual roses and stuff. I think they're like a dollar piece, but they they sell them in a three or four pack for $12, $13. So I did that and, um, what I noticed was Everybody that was on there when I initially got on the like, which was probably almost a year, you know, almost a year when I from, when I first downloaded it, they were still on there same pictures, same prompts, and I'm like something adding up at some point, like is it you or it's just? This is just not the genuineness that I was looking for on the dating scene. And then I realized that my moral compass was not aligned for Most women in Southern California. So then I changed. I changed my Location to the Bay Area, which is probably my favorite part of California. I almost moved there.
Speaker 2:I still like to be a lot some shady stuff going on with you know, the carjacking stuff like that but for the most part Identify with people in the Bay more because they're a little more genuine in my opinion. And then I think a city like Oakland is, it's a lot like home, it's a lot like Indianapolis, it's a lot like Detroit, chicago, cincinnati, milwaukee, st Louis, louisville, I think any Midwestern city. Cleveland is Kind of like a mirror of Oakland, just without the palm trees in the water, because it's such down-earth people and Like one from what you see is what you get with a lot of people. There's not a lot of flu gaze. You know a lot of faking is if somebody rock with you, they don't, and if you're not sure Actually I actually wouldn't you there will be no gray area like well, I'm from, I think people do a good job of like they'll let you know if they don't mess with you, like sometimes in a very rude way.
Speaker 2:So I say, how to say I changed my settings and I had, I had, I will say I had a few connections and experiences with, with women in the Bay, but I Quickly learned that it's not necessarily where you at, it's what's in you, and I think that there was just a lot of Superficialness that was going on, because, you know, like I said, I'll never let a woman make me feel less of a man because I ain't, by her, a Birkin. So, right into that and you know, shit just kind of fizzled out and it just so happened that I was on there a day. The day I'm the lead in it is the day that I met my now girlfriend and you know, that's just kind of how I worked out for me, but I really had to go to some shit to get here. Like a lot of shit man, it was just, oh, I felt like a fly and I just kept attracting shit. So it was just bad man. But, um, that was my dating experience. You know, I for me was three phases to be getting the middle and the end, and when you get to the end I think just let that, let that be it. You know, try to find love another way. So that is what Happened and you can take that information and do with it what you will.
Speaker 2:One thing that I will say when I one I'm not like regretful for, you know, being on a dating app because I Something good came out of it and the woman this in my life I think is is here to stay forever. So, lord willing, I am very grateful for that. But what I will say especially, men, make sure you are pouring into yourself and and staying busy, because I kept Redownloading that when I was giving it up because I was bored and you know, with proverb 1627 says an idle mind it's the devil's playground, or idle hands are the devil's workshop, whichever translation you're using. And All that scripture is saying like when you bored and you, sitting in your feelings, you start to open up doors that you closed and you know better, and that's that. That is like cognitive Dissotence, I think is the word, or dissidence. It's basically knowing, like knowingly doing something that is harming you, but for some reason you just gonna do it anyway, like you can't stop it. So, man, don't sit in your misery, don't do not let your idle mind become the devil's playground. You know, and do not practice Cognitive dissenting. This is dissenting. Y'all help me out with that one. So those are just my, my tidbits from the. You know the dating experience and we'll continue to talk about it.
Speaker 2:I'm really gonna dive into some of these dates that I've been on. I'm not gonna use nobody's name, I'm not gonna put nobody out there. I'm gonna just let you know what happened on the date and how to pick up on red flags. And you know, because we're in a different world now. I don't know if it's possible for a man and a woman, or a woman and a woman, or a man and a man or non-binary non-binary, whatever you identify as to meet somebody out and about, because Everything is so quick now and Everything is on social media. You know when, when. Take digs in the movie Brown sugar and the clip that I played when he was Describing what brown sugar is. You know you've got this corporate business. What corporate's business woman? She's a baddie. You know she's. She's pleasurable behind closed doors, but she's not like that with everybody in the streets.
Speaker 2:I Think that is missing now on both fronts, men and women. There's no longer the chase, because Body is now accessible. All you have to do is open your phone and you can see whatever type of body you want to see and the way that these social media algorithm I purposely have tried to hack my algorithms and it'll last for some months and then, sure enough, it'll start creeping back in. You got to be really mindful of what you're looking at, because even on Facebook it's like so much misinformation and ratcheting is an old headlines that I recycled and you know, on Instagram there's a lot of Like TNA. You know y'all use your imaginations, you can figure out what that means. And for women there's a lot of gray sweats and D it shirts off, so you don't even have to wonder like what this person is like anymore. You don't you not even attracted to a like an intelligent post or conversation that you may have come across that this person said it's more of what he or she looks like, and I think you know that is it's really kind of hindering us.
Speaker 2:So when Tate Daze was talking about, you know, brown sugar, his, his, his girl's, Reesey, I think. I think that was her name right in the movie played by Mari Parker. I think what's her name? I don't know why I got this information pulled up, but, um, nicole Ari Parker, yeah yeah, yeah, that's her name. So you know, classic businesswoman baddie loyal to well, seem to be loyal to him. We all know how the story ended, but just the, just the thought of that, the example of that.
Speaker 2:I don't know if there's a lot of that out anymore. I think God, because I think I got like one of the last ones. I think I think my girlfriend is the quintessential essence of when Grace Intersects with intelligence, beauty in class. I'm truly, truly, truly blessed and If I could think of a higher compliment to pay her, I will. But I think I think that's accurate description right now and I, if you looking for that or if we're on the same wavelength, I imagine we are, because you, taking a listen to the pot and, as my words hit your ears, like you really got to have some uncomfortable conversations with yourself and really ask yourself Are you in the right position To receive what you ask it for, relationship wise?
Speaker 2:For me I wasn't. I kept looking for the next best thing and I'm sure I may have messed over some, you know, lovely women in the process of that. So, once again, learn from my mistakes, cuz I for sure thought I was gonna be single. I am. But I beg God, I said Lord, just one more time. I'm not gonna squander this blessing. I swear because, man, I'm sure I passed up you know some incredible women because I was going for a certain look. I wanted to Instagram model because I feel victim to the algorithms. You know, I'm fresh out of marriage.
Speaker 2:I was with one person almost 10 years and In the day this ain't changed a lot. When I, when I got out here in these streets, yeah, I swear, I was like and I've said this before it was like. It was like I was a neurosurgeon surgeon he's talking to High school freshmen that just had no grip of own life, could only, could only see so far, didn't want nothing more. Just, you know, he's one of rooftop dinners and dick, honestly. So it would work it out for me, man, because my soul and my spirit was wrestling a lot. I was like, you know, I waited.
Speaker 2:I was with one woman for, you know, nearly 10 years physically and I waited. We waited until marriage and I was, I told myself, I said I'm gonna test drive the car next time because I felt that, you know, she and I were not sexually compatible, to be quite frank and For some reason I just couldn't and I didn't. You know I'd have had girls that didn't stay it over and the fluid out or whatever flown out. I said flu, that's stupid. Um, but you know, I stayed on the couch and they stayed in a room. That's just the way that I move and I didn't want to get it to attach physically because that could blur a lot of pictures. And For me, I like the, I like marriage, I liked being married. May not have liked the person I was married to, but I like the idea of Marriage and ownership and accountability and that's what I needed in my life.
Speaker 2:But you really gonna have to use a lot of discernment and stick to your moral compass, especially in the place Like where I live at, like I can only imagine, like South Florida, or large metropolitan areas that are mixed With a lot of different races and ethnicities, like in Atlanta or Houston, dc, chicago, la, you know, anywhere in the Bay, vegas, seattle, phoenix, wherever you got to stick to your moral compass and what got you to where you at, because the moment you sacrifice that, you open up a portal for some shit that should not even be near you and I can give many examples of that. You know I've gone out with, like I said, I've gone out with people that I never I would have walked past, not because they looked a certain way, just because we didn't line up morally. You know, we didn't talk the same, we didn't. We had different belief systems. So I, like I said, I went on a date with a woman that told me she was an atheist when I tried to pray over the food.
Speaker 2:But on her profile it said Christian and spiritual. So Use your discernment, understand where you at in the process. Are you in the beginning, the middle of the end, and you you Maybe you might have to just go through it. I would caution you and say listen to me, take my example, for so you don't have to go through what I went through, so you not Looking at your bank statement like damn, I spent $750 on two dates, like what that's? That's rent in some places. So yeah, man, really really be mindful of that. And I'm so glad that I lived single.
Speaker 2:Now that I went through that, I can, I can live happy and holy and in a great situation, and that's where we are now. So someone asked me do I believe in fairy tale love? And I kind of do. I think love is what you make it, as long as you got God in the center and I'm not trying to be like no holy roly, but if y'all both have that belief system, then I definitely believe it can and it will work. I'm big on like love, music, rom-coms, just like what you ingest.
Speaker 2:And this brings me to what J Cole was saying about you. Just don't know, like, what people go through and how you're going to have to reshape your journey. You listen, the turbulence is the price you pay for flying high and the honeymoon phase is not going to last forever. Trust me, I've been through it. Like I said in the very first episode when I decided to relaunch this, you both may arrive at like in lust relatively easy, but to get to longevity and foreverness is like it's work, man, and you really, really have to reinvent yourself Just because you're at rock bottom. No man, you gotta give up, you gotta go back to. I always ask myself, how did we get here and how can we get back? Or how can I reshape the chorus of our love journey right now? And, like Cole said, you guys got a date. You gotta go out. You got to listen to each other with an objective view, put yourself.
Speaker 2:Love is the ability to see yourself in that person, and I think that my lady and I do a very good job at that right now. We see ourselves in each other and when there's an area that's lacking, we're there to pick up the slack. And I know that to be true because we just experienced that this past weekend and I wanted to touch on today just how I feel like social media is shaping the modern dating life and is also ruining it in a sense as well. So this past weekend was simply amazing. Man, my lady set up a date for us. We went and made candles, so I made hers and she made mine. We picked the sense out. Well, we picked a maybe like nine to 12 cents out and we just kind of mixed them together and we went back to just having fun.
Speaker 2:That's that brown sugar, that's that friendship, when the intersection of pursuit and happiness me. That's what your relationship is supposed to be like. I'm constantly pursuing her, she's constantly pursuing me, and that's where happiness comes from. Yeah, you know, when we go through our struggles, I still have my own struggles Nothing to do with her or our relationship, but I'm still, in a way, grieving. You know all of the losses that I've taken and I neglected dealing with those losses head on, but the way that she's able to stay afloat and communicate and help me through those things is like it's been nothing short of incredible.
Speaker 2:So we made these candles, then we went to a very dope Mexican restaurant. We got out of the city, you know, we drove about 40 minutes north to one of these beach beach towns, right on the water, right on Pacific Coast Highway, and we just had an amazing time, man, and we kind of we got lost in each other's thoughts, we got honestly, we got lost with each other and it was just an amazing feeling. And then the very next night, we drove up to LA to the Tony Tony Tony concert. And let me tell you, man, this was probably top three concerts I've ever been into been to in my life the amount of fun that we had at this Tony Tony Tony concert. It's called the Just Me and you tour, and I think we were the second to the last leg. I think Oakland is this weekend, that's it, man. So hopefully they go back on tour, cause if you have not been, you have to go, and this is.
Speaker 2:This was like what I feel like essence would feel like if it was in Cali. They took our phones so we couldn't record, so it forced you to interact with each other and I would say, maybe after we were over the shock value, maybe like 10 minutes in, like okay, I really don't need this phone. I'm really enjoying this. We dancing, we drinking, we having fun. John Sally's to my right, common is right in front of me, eddie Murphy sitting right below us, neil Long is there, matt Barnes is there, ella May is like. We all right here in unison, like singing, dancing, enjoying black life. And me and my lady are celebrating our black love phone free, no scrolling, just getting lost with each other and having an amazing time. And it was one of the best nights I've ever had in my life and it was. It just goes to show you how attached we are to our phones. But if you can just break away from that and just sit in your reality while doing life with the person you love, just for a moment, it is the most incredible feeling and I encourage all of you guys to take advantage of that.
Speaker 2:Whether you are married, seriously dating, pursuing somebody, go to a place where y'all put your phones down and really interact with each other, because A is gonna tell you if y'all really get alone and y'all can tolerate each other, or B you go figure out that person A for you, y'all can keep it moving, man, but I truly believe you cannot give each other an honest chance if you're so like just enrapt with your phone. I used to do and I was bad at this when I was married me and my ex was sitting in the bed and literally scroll and not say nothing to each other, and we're watching things that didn't serve us before we go to sleep. We're watching movies about an estranged cheater or shows about people cheating on each other or violence, and I will start to have these dreams and look at her funny, like why am I dreaming? Like why are you cheating on me? And it was really the shit we was ingesting that was playing a mind trick on this man. And that goes back to the cognitive dissonance. Right there, man, you're knowingly ingesting things that won't serve you, but for some reason you do it anyway. And I'm so grateful that at least for that night, no phones.
Speaker 2:We were away from our city where we didn't know nobody and we had to rely on each other and we did and we showed up for each other and we showed out and we had a great time and we loved on each other and everybody could see that. I know this to be true because somebody actually stopped me while she was in the bathroom. Like I love y'all together and it was just an amazing time, man. Like I said, we saw everybody that was, everybody was at that concert man, from Kamin to Eddie Murphy. We even saw Dietrich Hat man, like, standing in line. Well, he was waiting on this lady. I was standing in line to get a drink. I'm not gonna put you out there like that past the head.
Speaker 2:But, yeah, amazing time, amazing weekend. Thank you to my lady for putting that together. I appreciate you, I value you, I honor you and we just gonna keep on doing life together, because this is what it's about. This is what I pray for, this is what I envisioned my life to be when I decided to start this thing called dating, and every day I'm just praying that I stay on my own way, I don't self-sabotage and I continue to honor the woman that I have because she is that fucking dope. So, yeah, well, that's pretty much all I had to say on this episode of the accidentally on purpose podcast. Man, y'all, make sure y'all like, subscribe, comment, share. Man, go ahead and share it. Don't be a. If you really support me, share it. All right, let your action speak louder than words, cause y'all know, if I, if you ask me to do it, I will do the same thing for you. So, yeah, man, as I always say, please put value in yourself. That way we could put value in each other and we'll have a value society, peace.