Accidentally on Purpose
Explore the intricacies of life, love, and growth through candid conversations and thought-provoking topics! Welcome to the Accidentally on Purpose Podcast where we aim to live intentionally even when life seems accidental
Accidentally on Purpose
New Threads
Ever wondered if friendship might just be the secret ingredient to a happy marriage? Join me on Accidentally On Purpose as I open up about my personal journey through love and relationships, highlighting the importance of keeping friendship at the heart of marriage. From grappling with the changing dynamics between black men and women to finding love through dating apps like Hinge, I share insights into how music, especially R&B, creates a loving atmosphere in my life. This episode offers a candid reflection on the enduring values my parents instilled in me and how these values shape future generations.
Through the lens of my own experiences, I dive into the power of positive representation in black relationships and the resilience needed to overcome life's challenges. From moving cities, dealing with the grief of losing loved ones, to battling depression during the COVID-19 pandemic, I discuss the vital role therapy and hope played in my journey of self-discovery and redemption. Hear how I navigated the transition from a long-term relationship to dating in Southern California, where I encountered both humorous and painful lessons that ultimately led to personal growth.
Take a ride with me as I recount the rollercoaster of online dating, from cultural mismatches on apps like Black and Bumble to the emotional highs and lows of being ghosted. This episode isn't just about the trials of dating; it’s about finding personal grounding and reclaiming one’s time through self-reflection and faith. I share the transformative power of therapy and keeping God at the center of decisions, leading me to a meaningful relationship. Discover how love can unexpectedly blossom after moments of doubt and how recognizing personal value can lead to contributing positively to society. Tune in to hear more about my journey and the insights gained along the way.
I'm getting married next month. Oh yeah, congratulations. How long you been together. We've been together about four years now, okay, a little over four years. Yeah, we're a little girl. We live together. We live together. We have a little girl, okay. And I know you've been together about four years now. Okay, that's a good number. Yeah, we're a little girl, you live together, we live together. We have a little girl, okay. And I know you've been with your beautiful wife for a long time. So any words of wisdom that I could take to have a happy marriage here? No, if you're friends, then I think you'll be all right. That's the key. You know, to be friends. You know, I don't know, I'm no expert. Maybe people think things are supposed to change, like suddenly it turns into something else. But you know, just keep rolling.
Speaker 2:Your friend. I shouldn't have to blackmail you to help him. You don't listen. You are my woman and I love you. But if you ever tell me that you are not speaking to me for a week again, I will drop you like a bad hat. That you are not speaking to me for a week again, I will drop you like a bad hat. Oh oh. And you know something I'm not through. I was a serious sports fan before I met you. You knew that then and you know it now. So please spare me those little 10-minute drip forms every time I want to go to a game, okay.
Speaker 1:I love it when you take charge, David.
Speaker 3:I am lucky to have you. Yes, yes, yes. What up, though, everybody? Welcome back to another edition of the Accidentally On Purpose podcast. I go by Kenan. You guys can follow me everywhere at 1KenanHall, wherever you find your social media and your podcast outlets If you're new here.
Speaker 3:We explore the intricacies of life, love and growth through candid conversations and thought-provoking topics. Welcome to the Accidentally On Purpose podcast, where we aim to live intentionally, even when life seems accidental and that has been the story of my life, I could say. But we all know God is in control. If you are a believer, if you are not a believer, I don't know what to tell you. I'm kind of heavy on the belief system. I'm not preachy, but I just try to share my experiences, not trying to tell you guys what to do or where to go, but just sharing what worked for me. Trying to tell you guys what to do or where to go, but just sharing what worked for me, because I have an amazing, amazing testimony and, um, yeah, I think a book. A book will be coming soon if I ever get disciplined enough.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, today is October 16th. Payday was yesterday for most of us that are on that uh, 15th and last month schedule or bi-weekly whatever. So I wasn't even gonna pod today, honestly, but I kind of been throwing up on social media, especially threads like out the mouth, just just talking about like man, just everything, like relationships, marriage, all of that, because I've had it and I've gone through it and I really don't like where we are right now. Um, especially when it comes and y'all heard me say this, if you're an avid listener of the show, I've said this plenty of times I don't know what's going on between, uh, specifically, black men and black women, because I can only speak to that experience. Um, I don't necessarily know what it likes to date outside my race. So, um, yeah, I can only speak. You know what goes on in our community, but it just seems like we are at odds right now and the respect level is at an all-time low. So for me, I just try to wake up in love and I try to go to bed in love. Um, the music that I listen to, I'm heavy, heavy on, heavy on the R&B. That's why I named my show Heavy on the R&B. You know, sometimes, once or twice a week, I'll spend for an hour two hours, depending on how I'm feeling just providing good times and good vibes. You know, y'all can find that same place. You find this podcast, or just shoot me a message. I'll send you a direct link when I get ready to do it.
Speaker 3:So yeah, man, I had posted earlier on, uh, social media just about my experience, um, I guess, about finding my lady. Um, I said God is definitely a miracle worker. I found my girlfriend on hinge after several failed attempts, and she a black woman, a black woman in San Diegogo, and I think those of you that are in the cities of like dallas, houston, chicago, detroit, um, the dmv area, atlanta, um, you know, y'all may not know what it's like to struggle to find a black woman, but if you're here in socal, you understand like and nothing against to, you know, to people who choose to, you know, indulge in other races. But for me, I've always had good examples of black love, although my parents, you know they had their battles, they went through it, but in the end they always came out stronger together. And I had a good example of what fighting for your marriage is. And I'm just trying to, you know, use the tools they gave me but also enhance them. So, you know, when I have children, or should I say when we have children, you know we can instill those values in those as well. I just think the black family dynamic is crazy right now, but we can talk about that another time.
Speaker 3:So in my experience, I'm just going to get straight to it. I just like look at me as your pastor because I won't be before you long. I'm just going to get straight to it because I wanted to reply um to each person individually that commented on the thread. I greatly appreciate y'all. I appreciate the love man Like from the bottom of my heart.
Speaker 3:Where there's so much negativity in this world, it feels good, especially as a black man that indulges in the things that I indulge in. Sometimes it's deemed as soft or corny, but don't get it twisted, man. I'm still. You know, I'm still a nigga from the west side of the nap. I can get on any level you want to get to. I can. I can read you a scripture and beat your ass and take your girl, all in one setting. So don't get it twisted. You know, say them, days are far, far gone behind me, but you know, don't get it twisted.
Speaker 3:I just think that you know, being being a man in this space, I don't see a lot of podcasts or even shows, or even shows that touch on positive black relationship experiences. Me and my, me and my girl we watching reasonable doubt right now and I almost turned it off. I ain't gonna lie, I don't want to get no spoilers away, but they got some things going on in this marriage that I'm like yo, I don't know what, what y'all going through, but man, I don't want to give it away. Go check out the show, judge it for yourself. But anyway, let's get back on topic. So, um, I posted that and it's been receiving, um, a lot of likes, a lot of comments, a lot of uh, rethreads I think that's what it's called when I say retweet. So bad with his threads. So here.
Speaker 3:So let me let me, uh, let me make a long story short, long story short. I've been in San Diego three years. I just celebrated three years, august 26 or something like that. So I moved from Houston. I was in Houston almost 10 years. I was married. I was married a little over two years.
Speaker 3:So I was married a little over two years and you married a little over two years and, um, you know, it didn't end up working out. Uh, there was no infidelity on my behalf. I know that's, that's the go-to, that, uh, that people, people tend to ask, or, or think, because, coming out of marriage, that was the one question that I had to to answer. A lot, lot, you know, and I would let a lady know that I was married, the first thing out of her mouth would be, uh, what'd you do? It's like, damn, what makes you think it was me? There are some, there are some good men in this world and there are, you know, couples that that split amicably. Um, sorry, if y'all hear the sirens, I live downtown San Diego and it's been turning into Gotham City, but we'll save that for another day.
Speaker 3:Um, so, yeah, so I was married a little over two years, right? Um, we were together. Almost let me turn this work email log. This is so ghetto. This is how y'all know. I wasn't set up to pod today because I ain't even got, you know, my affairs in order. Um, so, yeah, so, so I was married a little over two years and, uh, we were together. I want to say our total time we're together was like eight, you know, a little over eight. Um, I was finishing a master's and she was finishing her bachelor's. Well, I was getting started on my master's. You know, we met in Phoenix and whatnot and then migrated over to Houston. Um, I might shed light on that story another day, but out of respect for my future wife, I don't really want to revisit any of that unless she's okay with it. But I'm good with it because of therapy. So, yeah, so it didn't work, but during that time I went through a lot.
Speaker 3:So, coming up here, october 23rd is the anniversary of my mother passing. My mother passed a week before my wedding. I got married November 3rd 2018. My mom died 10 days before that. It was a very, very, very rocky time. I've talked about it on my podcast a few times and it just kind of set the precedent of things that were to come and it was a very, very tough time for me. Um, you know. So that happened, uh, six months prior to that, my grandfather passed. Six months after my mother, my grandmother passed both of her parents, and then COVID, you know, um, uh, lost the job. We lost the job. Then COVID, or during COVID, you know, so we're going through all of that. The the storm hit, um, in Houston, if you know that. That winter storm, ah, man, it was like 2020, 2019, it was. It was like ice. We all lost power for a week. So you know I'm going through all of that.
Speaker 3:I go through a depression. I'm heavy, heavy on the ENJ. That's how you know I was going through it. I don't even drink like that, especially hard liquor, and if I am going to drink hard liquor, I like tequila To me, the lighter the liquor, the lighter the mood, the darker the liquor. Depending on what you're drinking, you might find yourself in some dark times. Although I think Hennessy is reserved, it should be reserved for couples, because that that turns me into Never mind, we'll talk about that another time. So I got so much to talk about another time. So so fast forward. Right, I'm in the thick of it. I'm going through my depression.
Speaker 3:Thank, thank God, man, thank God that I had a foundation. You know, since December 7th 1995, when I was baptized at Greater God and Light Baptist Church, indianapolis, indiana, I kind of always had a spiritual foundation. I know what it's like to fast. I knew what it was like to pray. I was a youth minister at one point in time in Phoenix. I was heavily involved in my church in Houston as well with the youth. So if it wasn't for that, I don't think I would be here speaking to you guys right now, because I did, you know, have a bout with depression and a failed suicide attempt.
Speaker 3:But one thing about me is I'm willing to have the uncomfortable conversations with myself at all times and also share those things. So, share those things so somebody else don't feel like they got to go through it alone, because my pastor told me a long time ago as long as your testimony is in your heart, it's going to be on your lips and somebody is going to be able to receive that. So those words stick with me and I just try to share what I can when I can. But anyway, so you know, things end up working out. Things got real rocky, like super you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3:And, um, we, uh, we decided to divorce. Well, I decided to divorce. Um, she was kind of on the fence. I wasn't going to separation route because I'm not doing weight. Uh, I'm, either. I'm either in it or I'm not. You know, and I just think that, if you know, if somebody's not willing to fight with you, then what's the point? So go through all of that.
Speaker 3:It's 2021 now. It's like August. The lease is up on the house. Um, he was leasing the house. Thank God, the timing worked out. It was like it had to be, like God's divine timing, not like God playing my divorce divorce. But it's just funny the way things worked out. You know, um, even living, leaving, living in the house for like almost a month and a half, two months together, I'm on one side, she on the other side. We don't speak and communicate, none of that. Um, but the way that the lease worked out is, you know that, because you know when you break a lease, you you might have to pay that, however much time you got on that, on that property that you're renting or whatever.
Speaker 3:So, so I moved here to San Diego and I had my heart set on revenge. Oh my God, fellas, if you listen to ladies too, if you come out of something, the last thing on your mind should be another person getting up under another person, yoking up with somebody else, or revenge. Um, I later learned that I, god, moved me here to redeem and restore my life, because I had lost everything, and when I say everything, I mean literally everything. I packed up my car and I drove from sandy, uh, san Diego. It was like 23 hours. I stopped in Phoenix to see my friends and my guys stayed overnight but you know I bought all new stuff. These are things that I didn't know. I didn't know they sold bed, you know, on Amazon, entire bed frames and headboard and mattresses and all of that. So you know I bought everything and it was here.
Speaker 3:When I got here I caught myself moving into a high rise. I'm about to do it big. It's San Diego, it's 75 and sunny every day. You know the women out here. It's like a box of Froot Loops. You can get whatever flavor you want, man Crunch berries, whatever. You know it's different shades. Box of Froot Loops you can get whatever flavor you want, man crunch berries, whatever. You know it's different shades. And me, I'm thinking about dabbling. I'm like that's the first thing on my mind and it should have been the last thing on my mind. I'll never forget unpacking my um, my apartment, you know, setting up everything. And, uh, they set up the wi-fi and I had some mounters come in to mount the tv. And you know, I'm putting together the bed, I'm unpacking, I'm hanging up my clothes. It's just me. I don't have no friends, no family. It's just me here. And when all of that stopped, man.
Speaker 3:I'll never forget. Sitting on that balcony and I let out this sigh, just, and when I tell you the amount of tears that started to fall out of my eyes, my God, man, that was like it was. What's that? What's the name of that white, that white song I mean I shouldn't say that's bad. That girl wrecking ball. I came in like a wrecking ball.
Speaker 3:I don't know who say it, but that's kind of how like, like my whole, like world was like my heart. It was like, damn, how did I end up here, end up here? So you know that first night was tough. So, um, I say I say about about a few days passed, uh, I ended up linking up with a friend here and, um, you know, we, we went to high school together, we, we went to elementary school together, we, we, I thought we knew each other. Um, and you know, she, she came at me like I think you know, won't we give us a try? I'm like I don't really want to cross that line. So, fellas, don't make this mistake. Never, ever, cross that line. If you got a friend and y'all have never been nothing but friends, don't try to make it anything other than that, because you know that person is your friend, but to try to know that person as your lady or your man this goes for the ladies too. Don't do it, don't do it. I don't, I am strongly against that. I don't think it's going to work. That's why I got no female friends to this day. Long story short, I thought she tried to offer me cocaine, and that was the end of us speaking. I don't dabble in that. You know what I'm saying. I might have a Mai Tai every now and again. I do believe in weed We'll talk about that another day but that's where the buck stops for me. So that ain't work right. So that's fail. Attempt number failed. Attempt Number one, number two I started finding out about dating apps.
Speaker 3:I was very, um, apprehensive at first because of the things that I've heard and, mind you, I had been with one person you know, over eight years. So picture you being with somebody for for eight, eight plus years, you being with somebody for for eight, eight plus years, and you have, um, I call it, married eyes. I didn't, you know, I didn't have a wondering. I wasn't trying to hook up with other people when I was married. I didn't, you know I was. I was a very devoted husband, I would like to say so. I'm single now and I'm in this world like damn.
Speaker 3:I feel like uh and I've said this so many times on this podcast I literally felt like I cannot think of a better analogy. I literally felt like a PhD graduate talking to junior high schoolers, not in the sense of age, but in the sense of mentality, because if it was age, that would be creepy. No Diddy, no R Kelly, I'm not into none of that shit. I typically like women older than me just putting that out there. Um, but it was weird.
Speaker 3:It was like, you know, when you move from houston, the bible belt and and sunday brunch after church to san diego, ain't nobody getting out of the bed till like noon, you know, and I went to the early service. When I first started going to church here, I was going to the eight o'clock service and that it used to be semi and I'm like damn, like, like, what is going on here? Put a button there, I'll tell you how it all ties in to um, what I'm, you know what the story I'm about to say, uh, a little later. So I had that failed attempt. I'm going to church. You know what I'm saying, I'm praying, I'm fasting, so you know I I changed my twitter handle to um, to a hopeless romantic, and this is why I understand words have power.
Speaker 3:This is why now it says hopeful, romantic, because I kind of was hopeless. You know, I was so fixated on trying to outdo my ex, mind you, I blocked on everything, all her friends, all her family. We ain't had no contact since, but if, in case, they did come, come across my profile, I wanted to appear as if I wasn't bothered and that was the wrong, wrong mentality to have, because if you are going through something I'm a firm believer you need to feel your feels as long as you need to feel them, but don't stay down too long. Eventually you got to get back up, but do not try to bury that. Don't try down too long. Eventually you got to get back up, but do not try to bury that. Don't try to sweep the dirt under the rug. You know what I'm saying. You ain't got to come on social media and air it out, but go to therapy, counsel, do Bible plans, journal, go sit by some water, go hug a tree. You know what I'm saying. Like one thing they used to help me is just sitting on my balcony.
Speaker 3:I'm in this high rise in San Diego at the time, sitting on my balcony barefoot, just letting my feet touch the ground. You know what I'm saying and I feel like there was some kind of symmetry in that staying grounded. You know drinking green juices. I'm going to farmer's markets. You know things that I had to relearn how to live as a single man Cause I had been doing life with somebody for so long.
Speaker 3:Right, so you know the the a couple of days go by and I change my Twitter handle name and next thing I know I get an inbox from a, from a young lady. I'm not going to say her name or nothing like that. I'm not messy like that, but fast forward, you know, saying we're on a date and it didn't work. She had a problem with with God. She told me God wasn't necessary. So I said, oh, okay, this is why church is empty on Sundays because of people with this mentality out here. It wasn't just women, it was a lot of guys too. A lot of guys out here in my experience that I've met at the gym or just going out with the fellas. A lot of people out here compared to Houston.
Speaker 3:They try to live a life as if God is a necessary, until they need them, and I ain't the one to try to play with fire like that. You know, I always try to live a life as if God is necessary, and that's just. That's the way I live my life, you know. But to each his own. So, boom, that don't work Right. We had dinner. You know I'm praying over the food and she, you know she get mad. Like you know, you ain't gotta do that, we could just eat. God ain't that important. I'm like what, all right, cool, this is it? So I let that go right. And I was like that ain't gonna work for me. Like it's just, I'm not even gonna argue with you. Like it's just, I'm not even gonna argue with you. You know what I'm saying. But but, fam, that's not, uh, that's not what I'm gonna do.
Speaker 3:So fast forward again. I get on, uh, I get on black. And then, before I get started, let me tell you this let me tear the dating apps for you. All right, black to me is like dollar general, and I've said this so many times. But I'm rehashing this stuff because I feel like I got some new listeners now. You know now that that post gained some traction. So I'm only saying I'm not trying to be the dead horse, I'm only saying this for the new listeners To me, black is like wall. No, black is like dollar, general family dollar, right.
Speaker 3:So I got on Black and you know I met a young lady on there and it was cool, at least I thought it was. We go out to dinner and you know I go to pick her up. She's getting a car high, not off. No, we, you know what I'm saying Because I could, you know we can mellow out to whatever. But she high, high, like on that Lindsay Lohan, like that that nose powder, and she doing her nails in my car. Doing her nails I'm talking about it smell like glue and cocaine in there. I'm like, oh, smelled like glue and cocaine in there. I'm like, oh, my god. But see, I'm so nice.
Speaker 3:And that's the problem, man, my grandma always told me. She said you find a good in everybody. It's gonna cost you and it in this dating experience it taught me a lot. It cost me. We still go out to eat and she the type, just, you know she was so like a quote-unquote Instagram model. You know, I have to call myself up trying to, trying to date outside my means Because, like my therapist said, you want an Instagram model, you're going to deal with Instagram model problems and she didn't really look like you know her pictures. That's another thing that I learned. We'll talk about that a little later.
Speaker 3:So we had dinner. We had dinner and, um, the? Uh, the waiter comes and you know he's taking our order. You know I got the? Uh, the lamb chops and lamb chop lollipops and you know the cheddar garlic mash, whatever. And um, he come to her and she's like, yeah, I'll take the canoa and the? Uh Seabass. Mind you, the Seabass was market price. She was like $49.99. I didn't think she was worth it. But cool, whatever, tg Zone, if you're going to date in California, you got to have your money up.
Speaker 3:So I'm looking, I'm like what the hell is Kanoa? I'm looking at the menu, I'm like what the fuck I mean? So we got the Seab bass you mean quinoa and I looked at her and she was like, oh, yeah, that too. I'm like, oh, my God, not only is she a co-kid, she's illiterate. So we get to the canoa and she, you know, we mid-dinner, this time she ain't trip. When I prayed over food, she ain't trip. You know, she was like, was like, oh, you like God. I'm like, yeah, I love God, um, and she was like well, uh, if you're gonna date me, this is what I like you did. Good, I only, I only like rooftop dinners and I'm like you ain't even got a car.
Speaker 1:Who the?
Speaker 3:fuck like who the I'm done dog. So end up dropping her off and I ain't ashamed to say I ghosted her. That was it for me. Me, I didn't have to, I didn't have to stick around, they had to say no more. I did tell her that, hey, this, this ain't gonna work for me. I just think we on two different divine paths. I said something very hotepish, you know, to come off nice, but after I smelled the dope on the breath and the canola mispronunciation, I was done, I was finished. So that was on black right. So I call myself trying Bumble, call myself trying Bumble and did not work.
Speaker 3:Didn't find that one black woman on Bumble. This was like, um, this, this was like shopping at, uh, I don't know what's a white grocery store. Oh, I can't say target, cause we like target. Uh, I don't know, insert whatever, you know, lululemon, I don't know, in Fashion Valley Mall or something. Very white, very white. Did never ever went on a date on Bumble. Could not find anybody, even the black woman that I did connect with and I would say Bumble's like Walmart compared to, like Black Men, family Dollar and Dollar General. Yeah, so Bble was like uh, you know, it was like walmart, it was. It was a lot of different varieties, but it wasn't what I was looking for. You know, it was like all great value type women for me, um, no shade to them, but it just it wasn't. It didn't work for me because even the sisters that I did connect with, they was on some. You know, um, yeah, I grew up listening to Blink-182 and Linkin Park. I'm like cool, ain't nothing wrong with that. Linkin Park actually got an album with Jay-Z, but I don't. You know, I need soul in my life. I need the grease falling off the bag. You know what I'm saying. I need natural hair. I need a bonnet when I go to sleep next to me. You know what I'm saying. Like, I don't know what you and I would have in common, so that wouldn't that. That wouldn't work.
Speaker 3:Uh, for me, you know, black women that tend tended to be, um, not not as diverse of a background as where I'm. You know where I'm from. Um, I'm from. I'm from Indianapolis, you know a. It's a large city, but you know it's a. It's a small state, but the black population is is it's a good amount. You know all my friends. You know we. You know we grew up in the hood or whatever. Um quote, unquote hood, the cul-de-sac before we actually left the hood. But now I'm from the midwest.
Speaker 3:I lived everywhere in the midwest, um, chicago, um, indianapolis, south bend, you know any, any Midwest city you're going to find your pocket of black people, whether it's Cincinnati, st Louis, detroit, uh, I even consider Louisville, kentucky. The Midwest that's to me, that's Midwest, um, and I went to school in Kentucky so didn't find nobody on Bumble. Quickly, quickly, quickly got off of that. Never tried Tinder, plenty of fish because, uh, my days of indulging in that type of behavior have been long gone. Um, you know I grew up an athlete some would say a star athlete. You know, I have a couple national championships under my belt. I did run professional track for a little bit, so I've had my days of being a rolling stone. But I could not come out of being in a committed relationship in marriage with somebody, uh, for a total amount of eight years to trying to get back in these streets. Although I was trying to get back in these streets and uh, ended up not working. So I got off Walmart, I'm sorry. I got off Bumble and uh, I found hinge. Now, hinge is where I had the most success. I would say Hinge is like a target mix with your local farmer's market where you could find some really, really good quality cuts of meat produce. You know things like that. Hinge is where I had the most success. Hinge is also where I blew the most money. Mind you, I had the subscription. I think it was $29.99. I could send as many roses as I want.
Speaker 3:So, going to date the first time I would say my first date on Hinge, I matched with several different women and I'm feeling myself. My ego is like sky high, my head is huge. So I meet a woman and she was. She was from the ie, what they called an inland empire, thought she was cool, owned her own salon, everything was solid, did not know she had attachment issues and it was like crap. I mean, things move so fast though it's like two weeks, you know. Now she's telling me she can't live without me and she felt deeply and it was. It got very, very uncomfortable and very weird. Uh, for for me and I could see where it was going. I didn't want to. I didn't want to get attached to somebody like that. Um, because to me that's a red flag if you won't even tell me your last name. But you feel deeply about me. You want to move in after like it wouldn't even 14 days had to be like 12 days. That I can't. I can't get with that Boom, cut that off Right.
Speaker 3:Next day I went on a date with a young lady and she didn't tell me she was married. Husband showed up to the date Crazy, and he had just tried to set her on fire the night before. Very, very weird. Um, but she was semi-cool. She was semi-cool, but I could not deal with that. I wasn't about to deal with you know, you and your quote-unquote husband, um, trying to kill you. Like that's just crazy. So ended that.
Speaker 3:Next thing. I know I'm on a date. I'm at another rooftop dinner with an atheist. As you can see, my judgment skills are taking a toll because I was so fixated on getting the next best thing or trying to level up on a person that probably wasn't even thinking about me, and that's's the mistake that I made. Man, that quickly got shut down Once she got talking.
Speaker 3:She got to talking about rocks and energy and how prayer doesn't mean more than these rocks and things. I'm like yo, you got to go ahead and live your life and I'm going to live my life. No disrespect to you, but I'd be damned if Jesus died for my sins and I reduce into a rock, like no shade to everybody, to anybody's in that. But I'm just saying what works for me. So that didn't work. Uh, mind you, she stood me up twice but because she looked a certain way, I call myself still chasing her or whatever. So that didn't work, man, mind you.
Speaker 3:Uh, my home girl, uh, actually she's my sister, that's what she's. She's the big sister that I never had. We grew up together from the same neighborhood. Actually, just had a baby. Shout out to her. She was telling me I would always run these dates by her and I would send their profile. I'm sure y'all do it too. You send your profile to your homie or your homegirl, your sibling or even your mother or father. And she was like no, did you read this? She's like nigga, no, she's only after. One thing I didn't listen to her.
Speaker 3:I made several trips to la, you know I, I know the la, um, the la live district like the back of my hand. I mean we was going to fixings and noble and uh, well, that's that's in. Uh uh, malibu, I think somewhere, yeah, wherever Nobu is, you know, we going there at Santa Monica. Um, there's a Mexican restaurant, la live district, in the sushi joint. I'm I am blowing money. Mind you, I'm still paying this subscription and I'm blowing money. San Diego to LA is like a two hour drive, right. So at the time I had a charger. Gas was like $5, you know, just to get there and back it was about $150. Dinner was at least $175, you know, not including gratuity.
Speaker 3:And on top of all of that, none of these connections was lasting. There wasn't no physical nothing I didn't get. I didn't even get the second base, with most of these women not not saying that, that I needed that or that's what I was looking for, but there was just like the most empty like I could. There was one instance um, I think it was eating at this restaurant called agave or something like that, in la live. Uh, it was. It was a young woman from, uh, from boston. Yeah, she's about two years younger than me. At the time I was 35, 34. Yeah, because I just had a birthday and when we hugged I didn't feel nothing. It was like the coldest, like spiritless hug ever and I was like God, are you trying to tell me something, but I don't quite understand what you're trying to tell me. That's I think I did understand. It's just I was very hardheaded and stupid. So you know, I ended up blowing money.
Speaker 3:Another date with a meaningless like relationship, no connection. Oh, she literally only wanted a meal and I know this to be true because we followed each other on social media and she posted it on her story just got a free meal. I said damn, I just liked it, kept it moving. I would say the one of the last times um, actually the second to last time that really bothered me and this is still on hinge, by the way was, um, there was a young, a young lady. I keep saying young lady. Mind you, these women are in their 30s. Let me stop saying it, because words have power and this is a creepy time we're leaving it living in. But so this woman, um, I really liked her at the time.
Speaker 3:I did, and I would say this is the first time after my divorce that I got my heart broken. Probably I had a broken heart the whole time. I should have healed and focused on myself. But there I go again, fixated on laying it back on my feet, because I done, lost it all and worried about somebody that ain't worried about my ass. So it was this lady. She was in Long Beach, right, the first time she ghosted me. And here's another thing about dating apps people Get off a dating app three months, 90 days. When you get back on there, you're going to see the same exact people. I'm telling you what I know, not what I think, because this is how she and I reconnected.
Speaker 3:The first time she ghosted me, I assumed whatever she had going on, it wasn't working out. So we get back on there. And we was kicking it tough. We had some successful dates. We was going, you know, going places together. I thought I literally thought it was going to work out. Nope, this is. You can always tell what is for you and what's not from the way a person handles conflict. Um, we had a disagreement.
Speaker 3:She stood me up Not once, not twice, but three times. I had this date set up at a place here called sunset cliffs. You literally on a cliff overlooking the water. Um, you know, I had the wine, I was going to set a picnic. You know, everything was cool, man, and you got to pay a deposit for shit like this. Mind you, I'm living in Southern California. Right, my rent is about $25.80. It costs another $50 to park there. Gas is $5.
Speaker 3:So you know I do okay, but I don't do okay enough to be blowing money frivolously, because I, you know, I ended up really kind of almost going broke and having to scale back on a lot of things. Dog just just trying to live me on my means, and I was going broke trying to look rich. That's another thing when if you and you're dating, depending on your geographic location, it's gonna cost you man. So learn from me. So she stood the third time, was like listen, I can't keep doing this with you. I think that you know you're you're better off seeking whatever you're trying to seek and I'm just going to go my way. You know, I said it a little more eloquently than that, but she was like no, no, no, I'm sorry, just you know, whatever, meet my dumb ass sucker. But she was like no, no, you know, I'm sorry, just you know, whatever, my dumb ass a sucker took her back in Like all right, cool, you know, let's forget about it, let's put it in the past. Man, it went no more than I don't know had to be.
Speaker 3:Like two weeks later, new Year's had happened, right, and I had prayed to God after New Year's because we ended up going to shoot what's that called R&B only. Right, we ended up going to R&B only, and it was cool, you know, I stayed up there. Nothing happened. No, like we didn't get physical or anything like that, just want to put that out there. I'm no like we didn't get fiscal or anything like that, just want to put that out there, never want to lie on my my areas.
Speaker 3:But I woke up that morning, january 1st, empty, and it felt like the same time as when I moved here and I shed all those tears on a balcony and it was just emptiness and I literally prayed to God like can you assist me with removing this woman out of my life? Because, lord, I can't do it on my own. I don't know what, why I'm attracted to this toxicity, this person constantly doing me wrong. Maybe I'm just fearful of being alone, maybe I just want somebody to occupy my time, but please help me, please help me, and I'm telling you it wasn't no more than it had to be, Shit man.
Speaker 3:A few weeks later, we got in an argument and she got to cursing at me and talking to me crazy, calling me everything but a child of God, and that was it for me. That was the sign that I needed and I didn't, you know, talk to I, get off Hinge about a month it's now March Got the, got the itchy fingers. This is what happens, man, when you're bored like I'm only speaking for the men, because I know I'm not the only man, uh, that that goes through this. Or in my singleness, when I was a single man and I was bored, I just had terrible decision making, like it was a I don't know man. I wish I can explain this, but it's almost like the scripture An idle mind is the devil's playground. What is that? Proverbs 16, 27. And it literally was. I would just do the dumbest thing. You know, like.
Speaker 3:Caught myself going, taking myself on a date. Should have just stayed at home and watched the fight. Took myself on a date. I went to this, uh, the sushi restaurant called cloak and pedal here plays great music. No black people. I think about dabbling. You know. I went out and sat at the bar. There was some white girls there, or maybe there was latina. Um, I'm buying drinks for all of them. I think the bill was almost 250. Did any of them ask for my number. Nope, I was just a nigga buying drinks.
Speaker 3:So after that man, I said, all right, lord, I, I'm done. I lied, I went directly home, created another hinge profile. This time, I think, I learned, it lasted about no more than 24 hours, because I literally saw all the same women that I went on dates with and I was like I'm not doing this serial dating shit again. Lo and behold, I got a rose sent to me. It's the first time I got a rose sent to me. It's the first time I got a rose sent to me. It is from uh, this was march, march 9th 2023, at like 4 14 pm, something like that. I dated it because, uh, 16 months later, we still rocking and, um, that is how I got to the post that I posted today.
Speaker 3:Like I found a black woman in San Diego, like that, I'm just head over heels, for you know what I'm saying. I handpicked roses and I picked them based on the color of how I'm feeling about her that day. You know, sometimes they red for love, sometimes they yellow for friendship. You know pink, orange, admiration, white, purity, excitement, whatever. You know what I'm saying, but I had to go through all of that. You know to, I guess, honestly get to this. So you know, for me, I think, the moral of the story is, when you're trying to date intentionally, it ain't going to be easy, but if your intention stay pure and you keep God in the center, eventually whoever you desire, whatever your heart desire, is going to make its way towards you. I'm telling you what I know, not what I think, because I'm a living testimony, somebody that has blown hundreds of dollars dating hundreds of dollars on dating apps. I'm telling you you just got to go about it in an intentional, strategic way, and I think for me, at the beginning, it was reckless and I was fixated on the wrong things. You know, don't be worried about people that ain't worried about you. Get yourself right first.
Speaker 3:During the downtime, though that I forgot to mention, um, I had a. I had a therapist, uh, but I've been in therapy since 2018, bi-weekly. Haven't missed a bi-weekly appointment. I have gone through a few different therapists. When I first moved here, my therapist was a black woman, but she was in a polyamorous relationship and I knew it wasn't going to work for me, but I did take away from some of those sessions.
Speaker 3:What's just about reclaiming my time. You know those practical exercise she had me doing, just writing things down that hinder me and then burning them, or writing something on a rock and then throwing it in the ocean, letting go. You know, I learned that from her and you know my now therapist that I had after her, uh, shout out to Dr Jack um, you know, she, she, she's like that grandma, that auntie, wisdom that really holds me accountable. And, um, I feel like if you're in therapy, if you don't have any conviction, then you're not with the right therapist or you're not open to receiving therapy at that moment in time. So during that time you know of from me meeting the New Year's Eve stander-upper young lady, I did a lot of work on myself and I continued to do work on myself and I think I was able to have the knowledge to pray my way out of that situation and then also stumble my way into something else and hold on to it and grasp it like it means the the most to me. Um, this opportunity that I have now, uh, with my now, uh, girlfriend, future fiance, like I'm really holding on to this, like close, like this is, this is different. I didn't even feel this way when I proposed, you know to my ex. So I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles Sometimes in life.
Speaker 3:People warm up the slot machine just so the next person can hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, that's what it is. But you got to go through what you. Sometimes you got to do what you don't want to do to get to where you want to get to in life. And, um, if I've learned anything is to always keep God in the center, cause the moment you step out of that, that circle where he's not involved in your decision-making, you end up like me, broke, lonely, crying on the balcony, lonely, crying on a balcony. So I hope I helped somebody throughout this pod, this short conversation, and, yeah, always remember there's tears to this. Try Hinge, I'm an advocate for Hinge. The other stuff, there might be some success stories. It just didn't work for me. But yeah, man, I appreciate y'all taking out the time to listen In the meantime. In between time, man, please put value in yourself so we can put value in each other and for value society. Check me out everywhere, accidentally On Purpose Podcast and yeah, look out for Heavy on the R&B as well. Peace.