Heavy on My Mama

Mother’s Day is everywhere, but nobody talks enough about the people walking through it with a missing piece. I’m K Way, and I’m dedicating this one to my mother and to anyone who has lost theirs, because grief does not care about the calendar. It comes unannounced, it sits in your chest, and it can make you feel like an orphan even when you’re grown. I share what I’m learning about honoring her without getting stuck, and how I’m trying to live a life that would make her proud.

A recent trip to Aruba gave me space to think, and what hit me was simple: I have to cut distractions and get back to purpose. We talk discipline, nearly 46 pounds lost, sobriety, and the idea of putting a filter over your mind, not just your photos. I also get into tracing my roots through AfricanAncestry.com, learning my family ties to the Yoruba tribe in Nigeria and the Mende tribe in Sierra Leone, and why knowing your lineage can change how you move through the world.

Then I go deeper into the hardest chapter: my mom’s long fight with cancer, dialysis, hospice, and how her passing shaped everything that followed, including a dark depression and a suicide attempt I survived. Before I sign off, I pivot to what’s happening in the country right now, why the gutting of the Voting Rights Act matters, and why “I don’t do politics” becomes a dangerous excuse when right and wrong are on the line. If this hit you, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the message.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Right now there's a bunch of people complaining about $5 gas, $10 orange juice, $13 bacon, and long TSA lines. But these same people don't do politics. Let's start the

Complaints Without Civic Action

SPEAKER_00 0:13

show.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

Hey, before we go into the song, I know everybody loves their mama. But I want to talk about something else first. I want to talk about the people that don't have their mama no

Mother’s Day For Those Grieving

SPEAKER_01 0:28

more. Because we all sometimes forget to appreciate our mothers. But like my little homeboy Bootar, he don't got no mother today. While we all shed smiles and being happy, they can't be happy because they don't got no mama. Danny boy, he's singing off for all of y'all mama. Danny boy out here making everybody feel good. He ain't got no mama to hug him. We gotta get back to that old school shit where we all care for everybody and all of us raise all these kids because we all out of hand.

SPEAKER_04 1:06

Where you never used to live? Living all these. You gave all you could give. Strongest woman I knew. You may know, but they got a no. Now I talk to your picture like you might answer today. And it hurts me, but you never got to see what you're doing.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

I'm the host, I go by K Way. I'm your proprietor, your creator, the producer, all things K Way of this show, where we discuss the rhythms and the blues of life, hence the name Heavy on the RB.

Welcome Back And Vacation Reset

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Man, we dive into love, marriage, uh, divorce, everything in between, and just you know, general societal topics and things of substance. So, man, I'm just glad to be back from vacation. Took a week off. Um, my fiance and I, we had already had this pre-planned. We try to take a vacation every quarter, um, just to reset every 90 days, because this world is is nuts, especially in this country. So, man, it was it was good. Um, tried to pre-record this, you know, so you guys are getting this on Mother's Day. This is a very, very special day. Uh, I'll dive into that in a moment here, but yeah, that's the another original song that I created. Those are my vocals this time. I can't, you know, really carry too many tunes, but I can do what I do, man. It's a very special day. Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers. Um, and those of you that have lost your mother, like me, I'm praying for you. Um, you're in my spirit, you're in my heart, and you know, I think everybody's mother, if you are doing something productive with your life, your your mother is proud of you. Um, and I know it doesn't take me to tell you that, but you know, your mother's looking down on you. Whoever you are, whoever, you know, my voice may reach your ears. And if you lost your mother, my condolences keep going, live a life that makes your mother proud. We'll get into that in a few. But yeah, man, just you know, uh, just took a week off. Wanted to just unplug, wanted to get away, wanted to get off the grid, and and we had uh an amazing time, you know, turquoise waters and and white sand. Um man, I I lived off Red Snapper Oxtails and Rum Punch. So um, man, if you never been to Aruba, if you've never been to Aruba, you gotta go. To me, that's my favorite place to go to in the Caribbean. I know like Jamaica and and DR and Bahamas, uh St. Lucia, uh, which I have not visited yet, but I we plan on going. But to me, I think the most slept-on destination in the Caribbean is Aruba, just uh very peaceful. They call it one happy island. Food is amazing, uh, the the people seem to be cool. You know, we we never deal with any issues. The best stretch of beaches that I've seen, and I I put that up there with I put it past Anguilla, which is another beautiful place. Oh my god, if you ever get a chance to go to Anguilla, Bermuda, best beaches that I I've ever seen next to Aruba. So definitely check that out. It was you know, it was fun just being in a different time zone, being in a different world, just unplugging from everything, and um yeah, yeah, you know, so yeah, I'll I'll I'll keep it there. Um, like I said, uh try to pre-record this. So this is us coming off that trip. Um, although we will be on another trip during the time uh uh Mother's Day roll around. So it it dawned on me, man. I'm gonna just jump right into it. As I was driving through the Aruba Streets, um, fun fact, they don't have no stoplights all roundabouts, so you gotta kind of know how to navigate that.

Aruba Lessons And Cutting Distractions

SPEAKER_00 8:25

It's like a game of hopscotch. Do you get out there? Do you wait? Do you go? If you don't have a car that got good get up, like a uh 8, uh V8, you know, or a six-cylinder car, you may you may just want to wait and be and be cautious because you can find yourself in a car accident. Um, thank god that I didn't. Um, I know how to navigate those Aruba streets very well. Uh oh, shout out to O'Neal's Caribbean Kitchen. To me, the best place to eat on the island, if you ever get a chance to go, you gotta go to O'Neill's Caribbean Kitchen. We went three times. I think the first time I had oxtails and Rasta Pasta uh with a few rum punches, the second time I had the red snapper, I didn't need to add nothing. Just squeeze the lime on there. It was seasoned to perfection. Um, of course, with rum punch and a side of oxtails, and then lastly, I had the lamb chops with a side of oxtails and run punch. It's just amazing. Uh flying fishbone, another great restaurant. Um you really you look you literally can look over the water, the ocean, the Caribbean Sea, and you can see Venezuela. That's how close it is. Um man, where else? Um Zerover. Uh man, they go out there, they catch the fish, um, snapper and uh Mahi Mahi, or was it salmon steak tuna? I think one of them fish. It was like, you know, they got a fish a day, they got the shrimp, real shrimp too, big old, big old shrimp. Still got the tail and all that stuff on there. So they catch it straight out the ocean, fried, season up real good. So yeah, man, uh a few places we ate. Very good. Dutch pancake house, very, very good. Just a good time. But, anyways, man, I'm I'm hungry again. I I went to the gym when I got back. I got out the sauna smelling like run punching oxtails. I had to decompress it and get that stuff out of my system. But, anyways, um, so yeah, as I was driving, it just dawned on me, man, like what am I what am I doing, you know, with my purpose? What am I living for? Um, what am I giving my

Weight Loss And Filtering Your Mind

SPEAKER_00 10:31

time to? So I just decided to scale way back on distractions and invest in my time, invest my time and and money into myself. Um, like, like I don't even share some of the things that are going well. I'm down nearly 46 pounds. It took a lot to get that weight off. Being depressed, going through, you know, and I'll get into that in a minute. What I was going through, uh, overeating, emotional eating, putting on that weight. It was a lot. It was, you know, I had body insecurities, having to buy bigger clothes. These are things that males um, well, not I don't want to reduce it to males that people go through. So, you know, I want to really get back to walking in my purpose and um, you know, continue on my trajectory. So uh moving forward, I'm limiting myself to just like what I ingest. I want to put a filter over my mind. I I I think we do enough of that with our pictures. You know, we make sure that the pictures look good, the angles, the lighting. But few people put filters over their mind, and you know, I want to do that from just of what uh what I'm ingesting. Now that I'm eating better physically, I want to also make sure that I'm eating better um on a spiritual and emotional level. So just trying to limit the negative things that I indulge in, whether that's a YouTube channel, um, you know, being in YouTube comments, you know, I I support a lot of channels, sometimes drop a lot of bread, and I just wonder what can I do if I invest and turn around and put that in myself, and that's what I'm gonna do moving forward. You know, I think it's important to get from the daily rigors of complacement and just the gossip of everything, uh, because it it really don't benefit me. I can't speak for anybody else, but I just want to make sure that I'm living and leading a life that on this Mother's Day that my mother is proud of as well as God. So that's what I'll be doing moving forward, man. The wedding is approaching fast. It's it's May. Mary, the wedding is in October, you know. So I want to make sure that I'm my best physical self, uh, best um spiritual and emotional. I want to be fit, financial, all aspects of life. So I'm gonna just take time to dedicate myself to that. Um audiobooks, man. I was on a plane, you know. One thing about when you fly from the west coast to the Caribbean, it's very tough to get out there. So you gotta have something to distract you, not distract you, to entertain you. And you know, music is in a weird place right now. So, you know, I'll I'll listen to my RB playlist and and the rappers that I mess with. Like, I listened to Isaiah Rashad's album, it's amazing. I listened to AZ's album. Um, amazing. I mean, for him to be rapping that well at it, and that just shows you that age means nothing in this in this world, like man, if you got skill, you got skill. But I realized I pay monthly for audible memberships, and I had so many credits. And right now I'm listening to a book called Sky Full of Elephants by uh SIBO Campbell. Um, and and so far, so good. It's it's a it's a really really good listen. It's an easy listen. Um, and yeah, I I suggest you all go check it out or or invest your time in something where you could do the same. So for me, I want to do that. Diving into audiobooks. Um I am indulging into a new language. Um a few a few months ago, well, yeah, a few months ago, I started my journey of finding out where do I come

Tracing Roots With African Ancestry

SPEAKER_00 14:23

from? You know, like I know I'm I'm born here in the States. I moved around a lot. I was born in Barry and Springs, Michigan, then lived in in Chicago for a stand in South Bend, Indiana, and then we moved to Atlanta. Um, well, Decatur, you know, I know they don't like to say they're the same places to be exact. Decatur was greater and then moved back to South Bend, Indiana, and then moved to Indianapolis, and then um went away to college, went went to a school in southern Illinois, went to Phoenix, um, went to Texas, Texas AM, then went to the University of Kentucky, where I graduated from, and then moved back home and taught for for I was a teacher for about two years, and a damn good one at that. But I didn't like the way that they were censoring me and and really trying to just do dumb things. Like you don't start black history with slave, you know, your black history to me starts with Mansonsa, something great. Really, black history starts with Jesus, but we'll talk about that another day. So um, from there, move back, you know, two bags and $48. Y'all know the story, moved to Phoenix and fell on hard times, was homeless, but pulled myself about that that situation and then moved to Houston. Um, was there almost 10 years and then you know now I'm here in San Diego. So, you know, I know like I know where I come from, I know what has like molded me, and I know that aspect of it, but I wanted to know my roots. So I did this thing called African Ancestry. If you have not done this, if you are a person from the diaspora, um, if you black, you really want to know where you come from, go to AfricanAncestry.com, order your kit. The my uh match clan is on your mother's side, the Patrick clan is for your father on your father's side. So I did my mother's side first. And um actually, let's start with my father because then I want to kind of tie this to Mother's Day. So um on my father's side, we are um Nigerian, so his side of the family came over here from Nigeria. We are part of the Yoruba tribe, and um, you know, like I my there's a lot of history. My father was a part of the first integrated kindergarten classroom in the 60s uh at his elementary school. Um, I believe it was Central Elementary School. Um, I'm gonna have him on my pie. We'll talk about that. But, you know, then they had a great northern migration. His mother, my grandmother, she moved north to South Bend, where racism was a little lighter. Yeah, you know, it still existed, but it wasn't as bad, you know. And then, you know, moving to where uh South Bend is where uh University of Notre Dame is. My school, my favorite college football team, watched them, been supporting them all my life, lifelong fan, and will forever be a lifelong fan. But they actually ran off the clan on their campus. That's a fun fact, people don't know. So uh it was it was great to under, and and I share, and and when you when you do the test, this is for your whole family. So I did it for my whole family, my sister, um, you know, my aunts, his his sisters, his his brothers, you know, everybody that shared, you know, that bloodline, that's for the whole family, and that's on that side, that's where we come from. We Nigerian. So um I did my mom's side as well. And um, man, this is very interesting to find out because I guess the way that I look, people always assume that I was I always been told, like, man, you are you Dominican? Are you East African? Like, nah, I'm I'm just a nigga as far as I know. I mean, that's what I used to say uh in my ignorant days, but nah, you know, isn't and and when I did the test, it came back. Uh, my mother's side, so I'm Sierra Leonean on my mother's side, and we are from the Mindy tribe, and they came over here on uh the ship in uh 1839, I believe, uh on the armistide. And so Sierra Leone used to be um a part of I believe it's Libya, and then they split, and you know, they had their own country. This is way back, you know, way back. Sort of how Egypt and uh uh Eritrea are Eritrea, sorry if I'm not saying that right. So they split, and um, that's what drove me to take French now. I I took French in high school and I always had an infatuation with the language, and lo and behold, I think God placed that on my heart because that's where I come from. You know, that is in that's the uh language spoken in Sierra Leone, that's their national language, and um you know, we got got citizenship in play. Um got the provisional, but you know, um I will be pursuing to get that real, real citizenship. So um not that provisional isn't, but yeah, man. So you know, uh, and I didn't I don't know a lot about my mom's side of the family. She if you and I've said this before, if you like from a from my era where it was like, okay, what goes on in this house stays in this house, we gonna keep our business to ourselves, everything is just gonna be like tight, tight knit. So um yeah, man, I've I found out and I'm I'm very proud to say that. I'm very proud to know that I am Sierra Leone and Nigerian, and I know the tribe and and the ships and the years that we came on came over here from. So, yeah, if you if you're interested to know your actual roots and you want to connect and you want to go, you know, the citizenship route, man, get started. Go to AfricanAncestry.com. This is a free ad for them, and find trace your roots, find out where you come from. It's important to know, and and also a lot of African countries are welcoming black Americans back to Africa to the continent, and uh a lot of them are offering path pay pathways to citizenship. So, once again, go to AfricanAcestry.com, trace your roots, know where you come from, and start your journey. And yeah, so moving on. Um, so I just wanted I wanted new experiences, you know, travel vlogs. I want to make content with substance. And on this Mother's Day, I'm honoring my mother because she instilled that into me. Um,

My Mom’s Strength And Work Ethic

SPEAKER_00 20:43

my mother, she always wanted me to create a life that was better than the one she gave me. And she gave me a great life. My mother worked, my my mother and father both worked multiple jobs. They were together all my life. They were married, um, you know, over 35 years. Uh, ups and downs, you know, we'll talk about that another time. But they set a good example the best way they could. They gave, they shared the knowledge, they shared with what with you know the knowledge that they had at that time. So I'm I know that their lives were better than than their parents, and that's what I want to do moving forward. So, man, just giving glory to God and honoring my mom on this Mother's Day. I want to dedicate this episode to her. She's the strongest woman that I will ever know. And I think the thing about losing my mom and that I've learned in all of this is she's still here. It could be the way the wind blows, um, it could be like a a just a little voice or something subtle. And I notice her because I I try to connect with her as often as I can. I haven't done it in a while, and I'm gonna do a better job of that. That also falls into not dealing with so many distractions and you know, just really tapping in and staying grounded. Um, you know, like I said, my mom was like super strong, she fought cancer for 11 years, you know. And then a lot of people, when you when you get so originally the doctors told my mom she had six months to live. And initially, my mom was like, Well, you ain't got you don't really determine that. And a lot of people go the opposite way, they'll they'll soak, they'll kind of get down on themselves. But nah, man, like my mom, she said, I'm gonna live my life to the fullest. And that woman did everything she could. She traveled to Spain. Um, her and my dad would take these trips, they they went everywhere, man, all through the Caribbean, uh, Europe, Hawaii, everywhere, man. Like, and it would be a struggle sometimes because she would get sick. Because also, my mother was dealing with a rare cancer. She also had diabetes. So she had two things working against her. Sometimes she just didn't have the energy to get out of bed on vacation. But, you know, she still went, um, and she never really complained. Uh, even even with her her female friend group, when they went on girls' trips, you know, she she would tag along and she, you know, she would let them know like I'm okay, I'm just tired, you know, y'all gonna enjoy yourselves. So she was very selfless and had a big heart, and she just wanted to live life to the fullest. And that's how she raised me, man. After Saturday, Saturday mornings, when I get done cleaning up the house and doing my chores, and she's playing BBD and SWV and everything, you know, we would get in the car and go to the mall. And you know, she, you know, buying new clothes and um man, just just whatever we needed or things we didn't need, you know. Valentine's Day, my mother showed me it's almost like she was showing me that a woman can treat a man well too. Uh, even on Valentine's Day, man, like my mom would always give me uh some kind of necklace, a watch, uh cologne. I remember the first Valentine's Day. I remember her getting me something. She bought me the Michael Jordan cologne. At the time, I thought it I thought it smelled amazing. As an adult, nah, it should smell like a WNBA locker room. Uh while they on their cycles, like it's it don't smell good. Uh, she got me a bulls watch and she got me a uh 14 carry gold bull's necklace. So um, man, I think she just set the standard. Not saying that like I'm driven by gifts or nothing like that, but it's like the little things, man. Like my mom, I never went without. Now we wasn't rich. At times I thought we were, you know, because uh my dad was a hustler. Uh he was a street street hustler, street pharmaceutical. Um, he had a PhD in street pharmaceuticals, and you know, we'll talk about that at another time. So, but it got to the point where my mom was like, you know, some something happened. Uh, let's just say um at school, at my elementary school, um I got pulled out of class and questioned by some authorities, and that was the final straw for my mom. She literally, you know, packed up, left. We moved from South Bend to Indianapolis, basically gave my dad an ultimatum, and my dad left the streets. Um and uh moved moved in, moved back to Indianapolis with us. And yeah, man, we just you know, we we life changed when you go from Jordans and lobsters to to K Swiss and Red Lobster on on occasion, you kind of notice it, you know. When you go from um man, you know, guests was hot at the time and going to crisscross concerts to going to the free festival during the Indiana Black Expo, like you kind of notice things change. Still good, you know. We still have more than most, but you know, I as I'm as an adult now, I understand what happened. So, you know, shout out to my dad, man. The best that the best that did it and never got away with it. And you know, I have his father's episode loaded as well. But yeah, man, back to honoring my mom, like I said, she just was a fighter, you know. My mom went through a lot of trials and tribulations in her life, you know, having a father that was a rolling stone, having a mother that was committed to a religion more than her own kids. She was Jehovah's Witness. And you know, my mom somehow made up made it up out of that and made a way for her life. And she and she traveled, she saw the world, she shared what she shared, you know, what she had. Um man, she she's just an incredible woman, and I'm so grateful that I had her for um uh 33 years. Yeah, I think uh let me see, it's 2026 now. I lost my mom in 2018. Um, yeah, yeah, I had I had I'm I'm blessed to say I had her for 33 and a half years, and I know I'm still surviving off her prayers, and I know she's still looking down, and she's proud, she's proud of the way that I've I've picked myself up from my bootstraps. Um, you know, the funny thing is uh grief doesn't pick and choose like when to target you. Nobody's exit from grief, it just shows up unannounced. And dealing with that, you know, the way the way that my mom passed, so you all know the story. She passed a week before my wedding. My mom passed October 23rd. I got married November 3rd, and we were having a destination wedding, so you know, it ain't like we could have changed in hindsight. I should have just halted it.

Hospice, Wedding Week, And Regret

SPEAKER_00 27:33

That's probably one of the regrets that I have. I should have just stopped and not gone through with it, and I probably could have saved myself a lot of time, energy, and money, also a lot of emotional uh stress. So, you know, that that happened, and when she passed, it was like I was just trying to distract myself from everything. That's kind of how I was getting through it. But I remember the day of the wedding, and you know, we we all in the hotel room, me and me and the um the groomsman, um, we're getting dressed, and everything was cool, man. Everything was solid. I get I get to the actual place where we getting married at uh on a resort uh on the rooftop balcony. And I just I don't know, man. I don't know what came over me. I just broke down and you know, thank God those brothers, they they was there to hold me up. And you know, they just they prayed for me, but I just it was like it dawned on me like damn, I think I was in denial up until then. We wasn't gonna get it to do that first dance because even when she was in hospice or transitioning, you know, I was I was flying back and forth from Houston to uh Indianapolis. Um, and prior to that, she was living in Houston with me because we were trying um a new route. You know, she went to the to the Houston Cardiac Association. Shout out to Dr. Montgomery, man. Uh, I'm forever grateful for you because you gave my mother longer, you know, because that that summer of 2018, she she was she was in grave condition, but he put her on a raw food fast. I never I didn't understand it, I didn't know nothing about it. I really wasn't into healthy eating at that point in time, but she she went on a 28-day raw food fast, and a lot of her ailments were reduced, you know. She went from taking to like six 15-17 pills a day to like two. And you know, she still had her diabetes though, and that's kind of what like what really kicked everything off, you know. And then when she she had an episode, I'll never forget this. She she was uh she was living with me, so I went and checked on her in her room, and she wasn't responsive. And so, you know, I kind of woke her up and she got up, she tried to go to the bathroom, and she just fell out, and you know, she kind of just started shaking, and I didn't know what was going on, so I I I picked her up and put her on the bed, and um damn, it's kind of hard reliving some of this. Um so yeah, so I picked her up and uh put her on the bed. And uh man, that shit was scary. But you know, I kind of I guess I acted fast and and uh called an ambulance and they came and they revived her and they they took her to the hospital immediately and admitted her, and um turned out that her kidney had failed. So uh they put her on uh dialysis, and uh yeah, man, that whoo it's really tough to this, like really the first time I'm talking about. I can't believe I'm talking about this, but yeah, man. So once she woke up and she figured out that she was on dialysis, she wasn't having it. She was like, Man, I won't out. And I think the hardest thing to do is trying to convince somebody to live when they're tired, you know. Now that the dust has settled, and I understand, you know, now she was tired, man. Dealing with that shit for 11 years, she fought for that long, and it was selfish of me to think that uh, you know, she was gonna make it out. And only thing I was worried about was it was the wedding. Like, nah, mom, we gotta dance. My mom was like an incredible dancer. She my mom was a type she used to she used to go skating with me when she was nine months pregnant, very musically inclined. I've like my mother could sing, she could skate, she could dance, like she had that old 70s smoothness, like about her. And it's funny, I think that's what her with her and my dad matched. I think that's what attracted her to my dad. Because my dad, my dad is like an old like player, you know, like from the Himalayas, like Jerome, not as corny as Jerome, but he just smooth, you know what I'm saying? Like he has a way with words, he's very chill. You ain't never gonna see him sweat. Um, he's a man's man, he leads with respect, he demands respect, but he's like he a he a smooth nigga. Like, and my mom, she had a smoothness about her, like they just kind of like you know, slow motion. Um, but she's like serious at the same time. Like, she'll she'll punch you in your shit. I seen her do it. Um so yeah, man. Um, you know, she she's in dialysis, and and it was tough seeing her do that uh was it twice, two or three times a week for four hours a day. I had home, I had the home dialysis people come to my house in Houston and they had the machine and it was loud and they're uh uh cleaning her blood and stuff, and she had like the uh incision tube in her like upper shoulder, and I could just tell, man, she was tired. She was tired, and I'm like, nah, ma, hold on, you know, because me, I got I kind of got that irrational confidence, but at the same time, I ain't never fought no illness for 11 years, and I pray to God I don't I never have to because I don't know, I don't know how she did it, and that's why I say she the strongest woman I will ever meet. So, you know, fat you know, um the wedding and all of that happened, and then and then she's going through dialysis, and then eventually she was like, you know what, I want to go back home. I want to go back to my home. I don't really, you know, want to impose this, that, and the third. And I'm like, nah, you good? Like, you know, you're my mother, you can stay here. But, you know, they made the decision to go back home, and uh I think, man, this was like probably like late August. I get a call, or like the first week of September, my dad was like, you need to come home, man. Um she's back in the hospital, and you need to come see her. It's not looking good. So I go back up there in September, and uh yeah, you know, I think it started to settle, settle in, but even still, I'm a deny. I'm like, okay, all right, I'll make peace. Like she ain't gonna make the wedding. Okay, I made peace with that. Um, but we're gonna we're gonna live stream it on Facebook Live and you're gonna be able to watch it. I'm I'm still not getting it, it's not registering in my head. And um, yeah, I think so. No, yeah, it was like late September. So um, I think uh no, actually, it was it was it was early September, and then I got back to Houston, and then my dad was like, This, you might you you need to come back up here and say your final goodbyes. And you know, that was a long plane ride home, it was lonely. Ugh. Um I just I don't know. I I went up there and it's still in denial, like, nah, she'll be alright, like nah.

Living With Grief And Staying Sober

SPEAKER_00 34:40

And then this time they moved her to the house, the house that I grew up in, uh, our our family home. And she's in hospice, she's in the middle of the living room in the hospice bed, peacefully, um, but she's just lifeless. And I remember there, I remember when I was leaving, because I had to get back home. Um, and I said, I feel bad. I should have just stayed there. I remember saying my last goodbye, and she moved, and she made a sound in her face like it was it was smiling, and you know, I squose her hand and and I felt her squeeze back, and I and I don't know, it's like she was just saying, like, it's it's okay, you know. So I get back home and man, I don't I got out, I got off the plane that day. Shit, man, it's what October 23rd. I probably landed at like 11 a.m. I get a call about 1.15. My sister was like, she gone. As soon as I picked up, I heard it in her voice. And yeah, man, um damn, that's what happened. So dealing with that, and then it was it was like a range of emotions. You know, I bury my mom, well, my mom died, I get married. Um the funeral is that Friday, the following Friday, like November 7th. So eulogizing her. I think um what I remember about the it was all a blur. What I remember about the funeral is it was powerful. People told me, I was like, man, you should be a pastor. I'm like, nah, I that ain't the calling I want all my life. And to this day, I still cannot watch the video of me uh speaking at my mom's funeral and eulogizing her. But I know I do remember it was an out-of-body experience, and I do remember bringing people to their feet, and you know, because I'm like my dad, I have a way with words, but I still can't watch it uh to this day. But leading up to that day, that week, just the funeral and everything, viewing the body, it was tough, man. It was tough. And the thing about grief is I still deal with that sometimes, and like I said, it comes and it goes and it don't choose you. And some this is the first Mother's Day where I'm actually able to physically speak about this stuff, and this this happened um eight years ago now. What right? Yeah, it's 2023. Now it's I mean 2018, now it's 2026, yeah, about eight years ago. Or it'll be coming up on eight years ago. So, you know, like last Mother's Day, I was just kind of like blank to it. Um, I was I've I smoked and drank my way out of all of that, but this Mother's Day, I haven't had a smoker or drink in uh well, prior to going to Aruba, it would have been uh 54 days, so you know, and that's another reason why a lot of the weight came off and why I wanted to get back to my purpose. Um, so yeah, you know, this it's is I guess it's therapeutic to talk about this stuff, but also honor my mom and the legacy that she left, and the legacy that we'll continue to live on, and I'm gonna make sure it lives on by just um living a righteous life. Uh I got plans, so many plans, uh scripts and and books that I'm currently writing, and and um man, just so much stuff that I'm doing uh to honor her name and gonna name it after her. And to do all those things, I have to free myself from things that don't serve me. So, man, if you support me, keep on supporting me. If you don't, because I'm not making the kind of content that you desire, you know, no harm, no foul, but I'm not apologizing for living a you know the the righteous life to make God and my mom proud on his mother's day, you know, because at times I feel like an orphan, you know, it's a lonely life to live a life without a mother. I don't even, you know, probably the closest mother figure I have is my therapist. Um, you know, I have a future mother-in-law and I want to do a better job of getting closer to her, but I've been closed off a lot because just not having that that motherly figure, not having any grandparents, not having any aunties, not having any any female cousins. Um, you know, my sister, that's it, you know, and but there's a hole in the family, like I said in the song, there's a hole in this family, and everybody just kind of does their own thing. And I think by me being a middle child and the values that my mother and my father instilled in me, I think maybe it's time for me to start planning things and bring the family back together. So that goes back to the distractions. I could be doing that rather than sitting in YouTube chats talking shit, um, you know, uh following the latest gossip and and and you know hip-hop news and whatever it is, you know, watching watching shows that have no purpose or serve me no no meaning. I could be doing that, and I think she kind of been tugging on my heartstrings to actually uh you know get me to do that. So that's what I'm gonna do, man. Like I said, she she instilled those values in me, taking pride in your work, man. Like mama, I remember in high school, I'm big shit at this time. I'm my ego, I'm smelling myself. I'm I'm uh I'm the state record holder. Everybody knows I'm about to go to state and clown. I'm about to win at least uh three three first places at state, which I did. Four by four, uh long jump. Um, and then went on, you know, y'all know, went on to win the Midwest media champions and the Nike High School National Championship. And and I'm you know, at this time I'm clowning, like not like uh in class, but I mean like on the track. Like you couldn't you couldn't touch me. Like I'm walking niggas down. There was a track meet where we got in four by four, our ain't our leadoff leg ate a burger before the four by four. And we was in eighth place, and when I tell you, I walked everybody down and ran a 46 second split. I did from eighth from last to first. So at this time, I'm I'm I'm like, cool. Mom's had a rule, man. When I get home, because she used to work late. When I get home, I don't want no dishes in the sink. I must have came in and I washed the dishes, but I left the cup in the sink because uh I think I had got it and got some water. You know, this woman woke me up at two in the morning, she sprayed water on my face and was like, didn't I tell you to have uh what to wash the dishes? I said, I did. She said, There's a cup in the sink. She said, I don't care how many records you break, I don't care you know how good you think you are, you always gonna take pride in your work, and these values are gonna last with you throughout your life. And to this day, it does, man. I take pride in my work, like whatever I do, I try to do it to the fullest extent, man. And that's man, I remember playing in my probate in college. Like, I was like, nah, we not wearing this. We not saying, we not coming out to this song. Like, I take it's the littlest things. Like, I take pride in my work, man. I'm all I walk fast. That's just how I am, man. Like, my mom instilled all those things. Be be purposeful, take pride in your work. My mom had a crazy work ethic, and I think this is where I got it from. She was also a straight shooter, but she was also responsible and respectful. She was uh, she she instilled all of those values into me, the hustler mindset, but also caring about causes that are bigger than yourself because both of my parents are from the civil rights era, and they all had the part in whether in integrated uh classrooms or physically marching. Um, you know, so I find comfort in all of that knowing that she's looking down proud of me, and we all are just surviving off our parents' prayers, and I thank God my mom prayed for me and continues to pray for me and get me out of sticky situations because I I know it ain't nobody but her and God to help me get out of um the things that I've been through. Um, you know, before I wrap up, I'll touch I'll touch on this. So um right after my mom passed, like it was like uh a honeymoon period, you know. If anybody been married, you know, it's just kind of a honeymoon period, you know, cloud nine, like, yeah, yeah, I love you, I

Depression, Suicide Attempt, And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 43:11

love you, whatever, whatever. But shit got bad. Shit got real bad. And I found myself in a marriage with an absent partner, and dealing with that grief along with remember six months, I told y'all a few episodes ago, six months after my mom passed, my grandfather passed. And then two months after that, my auntie passed. Um you know, they found her uh she overdosed in the alley. And then my grandmother, her mother passed, who I didn't really have a relationship with, but it was a lot. So you couple that with just trying to get over the woman that brought me into this world. Like I fell into a deep dark depression, very deep, very dark, to the point where I try. To take my own life, and the only reason I'm here on this podcast talking to y'all is because the gun that I tried to use was old, and literally when I pulled the trigger, it fell apart. Springs and everything poked me in the side of the eye. I was listening to Walker Walter Hawkins. I'm going away at that, uh, at that time. I was, I was, man, I was drinking heavy. I was in my office. Um, meanwhile, my ex-wife is in in the next room. In the next room, like, you know what I'm saying? So I was like, I kind of felt alone, you know. I didn't feel like I had uh anything to live for. And I'm drinking E and J and I'm chasing it with capricios. Capricios are bad for you. Don't drink them. It's like four logo, but I'm taking shots at E and J. This is like the worst. I'm on the ground, really not trying to be here no more, man. And I just remember putting that rusty ass 380 in my head and trying to end it. And when I I'm telling you, man, when I pulled the trigger, that shit just fell apart. Fell apart. Nothing happened. The springs came out, um, the bearings, the trigger broke, like nothing, nothing happened. I don't even think nothing was in the chamber because it just it wasn't, it just it was a bad, it was an old ass gun. It was my dad's old gun. And it just man, I'm I'm here. I know my mom did something. She did, she had something to do with that, man. And that's just how I don't know. That's just how I believe like we are all surviving off our man off our mom's and or father's, you know, just our parents' prayers, and I and I know that I have a purpose. And tying it all together, I just want to get back, you know, kind of to that purpose. So I'm I think I that's what I'm gonna do. You know, I'm not gonna be indulging in too much of uh the monotony of every day and and negativity because it don't mean nothing, man. Like when I think about the shit that I overcame being homeless, you know, from episode one where I talked about it to the the grief that still comes and goes. Um, attempted suicide attempt. I'm here. I'm down nearly 46 pounds, yo. Like, I'm here. Like, what am I doing? I'm not about to get I'm not about to get sidetracked for nobody. Like, and I don't really care to have a large following. I kind of like being underground. I like I like who like me, you know. So if this message reaches your ears, then you know, um, I hope it I hope it impacts you in some kind of way. But yeah, man, I just want to honor my mom. Happy Mother's Day. Um, I know that you are still the rock and the light that's shining down on me and my siblings and I, we miss you very much. I know my dad does as well. He'll never have another woman like you. Um, maybe I'll talk about that another day. But there'll never be another you, mom, man. I love you and I miss you. Same goes for my sister and my brother, and we're gonna continue to live in your name and honor your legacy. And it's straight like that. But um, y'all know, man, before I go, Lord, I would be irresponsible if I didn't touch on uh you know certain

Voting Rights, Project 2025, Wake Up

SPEAKER_00 47:16

topics, and I I want to talk about like the what's really going on in our country, and um I don't think a lot of people are in a position to say I don't play politics anymore. To me, I think that's a cop-out. And saying that you don't um play politics to me is a cop out for you being too lazy to do the research to actually be educated and speak on the politics. And you don't have to be an expert. I'm not an expert, but I do know that we are beyond um talking about politics, where I think we are in a position where this is right and this is wrong. And excuse me, sorry. I spoke on this a few episodes ago about with killer Mike. You know, I I love killer Mike, but I'll never forget what he did to Stacey Abrams, and I feel like he let his misogyny um take over his his will, his his positive will. Like you, you he was raised by grandparents, he got that southern wisdom in him. Like, I know like you've seen your grandmother fight the good fight. Why would you do that black woman? Why would you do those black women like that? Like you are buddy buddy with Governor Kemp, but with Stacey Abrams and Kamala, like you was giving them grief and saying what you ain't gonna do, and now look at you, you trying to galvanize people to put out a fire that you helped start. So I just I I really don't um I really don't understand that at all. And I just I just want everybody to to take it serious. And the the what they did with the gut with the voting rights act of 1965, um, they gutted it. And you know, so before 2013, like certain states and country and counties with they had a history of racial discrimination, and they were required to pre-clear any changes to their voting laws with the federal government um before they could take effect. That was I think that was installed in 2015, and it was it was supposed to be umbrella, like this falls under everything. So what happened was the Supreme Court struck down section 4B, and with that, they basically formulated the use of uh or non-preclearance, pre-clearance, so you don't have to do that anymore. So basically, it became like a dead letter or dead bill. So now you pretty much can do what the hell you want to do, and what they're doing is they're targeting all the black era areas in these southern states because they know like that could help potentially swing uh an election. And that I mean, you look at uh Atlanta when they turn or not Georgia uh when they almost turn blue, like I mean, those are the those are the county, those the CAD, Gwinnett, like those black air uh areas, that's that's what's starting to happen. Texas is right there, they got a real shot at turning blue. Right now, I feel like they purple, but with these gerrymandering and them gutting the voting right act, it it's it's setting us back. And I know our people didn't march in the 60s and this and then didn't went to war in the 70s to fight in a war that we had nothing to do with for our rights to for people to sit here and say I don't play politics. And it's crazy, man. Like, I'm sorry, Drake and Kendrick ain't gonna get you your voting rights. I love Kendrick to death, and he and he speaks on this, but I'm pro, I'm pro people, you know what I'm saying? I'm I I have I I'm not shitting on nobody that covers all of this, but I'm just saying, like, man, there's a bigger, there's a bigger picture, you know what I'm saying? All of this works together. The reason why Drake is able to get away with some of the things that he's getting away with is because he's aligned with MAGA, and it's one thing to come after your right of free speech in a hip-hop battle, and it's another thing where you don't have the right to vote and and overturn that now. Like y'all don't see what's going on because y'all are too focused on the surface instead of getting to the root. This ain't the time to say, I don't, I can't play politics. That's lazy, and you're lazy. Educate yourself, stand for something, and furthermore, a hip-hop battle ain't gonna listen, man. I love hip hop, I love everything positive about it. And I'm I'm probably the biggest Kendrick fan in the world, and I'm probably one of the biggest Drake haters, but neither one of them niggas are paying my bills or dying for my sins, and that's what we gotta get back to. And if you listen to Kendrick's music, he's telling you that. He said, I'm not your savior. So, like, what are we doing? We could sit here on the internet and talk shit all day. We could comment all day. How is that moving us forward? Nobody has the right or the opportunity, and I'm well, let me not say the right, but nobody has nobody should feel comfortable right now just sitting on the sideline saying I don't play politics. It's not that time. We're not talking about politics, we're talking about right and wrong. And okay, you don't want to play politics. How about you play these five five? Now gas is five dollars a gallon. Now uh TSA lines is longer than the flight because you don't want to play politics. We ain't talking about blue versus red or or uh Democrats versus Republicans, can you call them rebutticans? So we're talking about right versus wrong now, man. And I think we got to get back to that on uh a human level. Educate yourselves. What they just did with the Voting Right Act is crazy. The author of Project 2025 has a PhD in African American studies. He literally studied our culture to infiltrate it and use it against us, and they're doing it in plain sight. And you niggas talking about you ain't got time to play politics. Wake up. Because I know for me and mine, we're gonna be alright. I told you the steps that we taking. I'm not bound to America, you know. We got capital to move, so I really don't have to be sitting here trying to tell y'all this. But like I said, we all are surviving, tying it back in off of our parents and our ancestors' prayers, and I owe that to myself to be the the change that I want to see in others, and that's what I'm gonna continue to do. So, man, from my mouth to your ears, I really hope this episode touched you. I hope it um, you know, impacts you and and kind of gets everybody galvanized to at least take the step in

Final Reflections And Closing Message

SPEAKER_00 54:01

in saving humanity. Politics aside, this is about right and wrong, and a lot of what's going on right now is wrong. But anyway, man, I'm out of here. See y'all next week. Please put value in yourself so we can put value in each other, and we'll have a value society. Peace.