Surrender with Aman Costigan

In this episode, Dawn Baker talks with Aman Costigan. Aman is a mom, attorney and law firm partner, founder and yoga teacher at Beyond Yoga for Lawyers, investor in a local start up, and personal development nerd. After years of feeling unfulfilled with “just the law”, in 2019 she took action to build her own Empire of Freedom. We discuss financial freedom, allowing for other interests in your life besides your profession, all things organization/time management, and how to surrender when you need to.

Connect with Aman Costigan:

Instagram: @beyondyoga_for_lawyers 

LinkedIn: Aman Costigan

Facebook Group for Beyond Yoga for Lawyers

Get in touch with Dawn: 

• On Instagram @practicebalance
• On the web practicebalance.com
• Buy the book Lean Out

Transcript

Dawn 0:00

Welcome to the lean out podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Don baker. Are you looking for a new approach to finding work-life balance? You've come to the right place. Listen, as I interview amazing women professionals, who've taken the steps to lean out. And find balance on their own terms.

0:19

Hello. Hello. Thanks for joining me. Today, I'll be talking with almond cost. Again, a Canadian attorney that I met a few years ago at a finance and media conference. She and her husband were blogging anonymously at the time about their journey towards financial independence and intentional living. And we've stayed in touch ever since. I've watched her pivot from blogging to offering a virtual yoga membership for other lawyers and being a champion for lawyer health. She now has a one-year-old son as well. Here is her bio. Almond cost again as a mom attorney and law firm partner, founder and yoga teacher at beyond yoga for lawyers, investor in a local startup. And personal development nerd. After years of feeling unfulfilled with just the law. In 2019, she took action to build her own empire of freedom. I hope you enjoy our conversation.

AC - dawn 1:18

I'm here today with Amon Costigan and Amon, would you please describe your work life balance currently and how it might differ from other people that are in your profession?

AC - aman 1:31

Sure. So I'm in my 11th year of law practice in Canada and I became a mom, 11 months ago now. And I just went back to work last month. And when I was on leave, my husband actually took five months leave and he's a lawyer as well. And we decided to take our three month old at the time on a trip to Portugal and Amsterdam for Three times for a Christmas rom com movie because it came up while I was on leave and it was during the day and you don't get paid. So I was like, I want to go do that. And that was something that was on my dream list of things to do. And then just before I went back to work, I actually went on a six day spiritual women's retreat to Tulum. And women ask me, they're like, your husband can watch your son while you're away? He can actually do that? I'm like, yeah. So, I feel like, I have a little bit of a different situation in terms of my home life and work life in that way. And I'm also a partner at a law firm, so that's where I went back to, last month and have been going back at a little bit of a slower pace. Uh, since I, have gone back and I'm really just starting to dive back in, but also being super intentional about how I spend my time and what my days look like.

AC - dawn 2:48

So what area of law is your specialty?

AC - aman 2:53

So the area that I practice in now is called administrative law with a focus on professional practice. Thanks. Thanks. So basically doctors, lawyers, accountants, dentists, right? We're all regulated by colleges. And so my legal work is involved in that process generally. And then the unhappy party through that disciplinary process at the college level. If it gets to the court process, then I'm generally involved in that process as well.

AC - dawn 3:19

And so do you tend to do a lot of trials or is it more transactional in nature?

AC - aman 3:26

So the work that I do is hearing work. So what I would call is that they're not, trials per se, but they are like a mini form of a trial, because basically I'm bringing like if I'm prosecuting a case, I'm basically bringing forward a complaint by generally a patient or someone who interacted with that member, and, Proving to the extent that I'm able to based on the evidence that I have, whether or not misconduct or some form of, discipline should happen. And so then I am bringing that forward through witnesses and, uh, I guess in the form of a mini trial is kind of how I think about it. So I don't have the strict rules of evidence and my timelines aren't as far apart. So I think that's what makes my practice a little bit more fast paced and what I like about it, not so much the fast paced part of it, but the human interaction that I get to have and the effect and impact that it has directly in my community and the people that I'm working with.

AC - dawn 4:24

It's always interesting to hear what people do because this isn't something that was on my radar at all. I wouldn't have even known of this area of law. I mean, of course, it sounds like something that is very needed, but it's not something that I would have thought of. So that's interesting. And is this a particular area that you had a long time interest in? Or how did you fall into this work?

AC - aman 4:50

No, so I didn't even know that it existed when I went to law school. I actually didn't even know that the type of law that I do now, so administrative law, which is board and tribunal work, like human rights tribunal, those sorts of things. I didn't even know that they existed when I went to law school. And so when I came out of law school, I ended up at a law firm. Um, which I've been at for the last 11 years. Now they practice this kind of law, and I've been able to work my way through I would say over 20 different tribunals, and I've been able to get a flavor and learn. Some are more transactional. Some are more the hearing work like being on your feet, and I've just been able to kind of cultivate a practice through that. And it just so happened that there was a partner who left five years ago from the firm, and she had a lot of this, Discipline work and she was handing it out to people and I ended up being one of the lucky people who got it and so I've just been really enjoying that ever since.

AC - dawn 5:43

Sounds like a really nice mix. I know that there is something else that you do as well. So talk about that.

AC - aman 5:51

Yes, in January of 2021, so middle of the pandemic, I started Beyond Yoga for Lawyers, and I was so nervous about putting myself out there and, you know, worried about what people were going to think and doing something on top of my law practice, but I ended up just doing it. And so now, two plus years in, I host group yoga classes, throughout the year. I also run a once a year yoga and vision board experience. for lawyers at the end of the year. And then I also do speaking opportunities to lawyer mastermind groups and different lawyer associations throughout the year as well.

AC - dawn 6:27

What kind of things do you speak about when you do these presentations?

AC - aman 6:32

So a lot of my presentations are actually on practice management. How I do all the different things that I do, how I manage my practice work life balance. And just telling my story about how I went from, being a super hustler. You know, I bought actually a shirt that says hustle when I first started as a young lawyer, and I really wanted the shirts that said 365, 24 seven. And now I look back on that and I could never wear that shirt out and I would never wear that. I would never buy or order that other shirt that I looked at. And so I've just really had a complete shift over, over the years. And people want to know my story and how I've been able to. Do things on top of the law, but stay committed to my practice and enjoy being a lawyer at the same time.

AC - dawn 7:16

Yeah, well tell us what your secrets are for time management and for not succumbing to the hustle culture.

AC - aman 7:25

Yeah, so there's a lot right like there's a lot of things that I've done over the years and really I think It started about five years ago. My husband and I sort of came to the point of realizing that we didn't want to or want to accept and didn't understand the exchange of time for money And I had had some panic attacks. I felt unfulfilled with, you know, and I use quotes like with just the law. And I just knew that I wanted more, but I thought that the way It was is that you were supposed to find all your fulfillment and your happiness from your career like it was just going to make you happy somehow. And so I had become partner at that point and I was like okay now I've checked off all the boxes now like where is that happiness pot of gold, and it wasn't there. And so him and I, one of the things we knew we could control was our finances. And so I started an anonymous blog about personal finance and my journey through debt repayment, buying a Mercedes. My husband bought a Mercedes and basically people had asked us about you know, when are you guys going to upgrade your house and all these sorts of things. And so anyway, we kind of realized a few years after that, that actually the lifestyle creep was real. And then we started, um, I guess, leaning out in a way, and that was something we could control with our finances. And so we became a one car family. We have not upgraded our house. And we've done a number of other things to just be intentional and mindful of spending below our means. Having a high savings rate. So money was really our first stop in terms of, you know, this is something we can control if this is not how we want to see our lives going forward. And then having conversations, often with each other about, you know, what did our dream life look like? What did an ideal day look like? How we wanted to live and what our values and priorities really were. And. That has been a huge thing. And then just kind of now what I've been doing and implementing, and again, I'll just note that it hasn't always been this way and that I've changed it throughout the years and it always kind of, takes different turns here and there. But I right now, now that I've gone back to work, I we've hired help so I can free up my free time to teach yoga, to be on podcasts, like be here today to speak about wellness and. Do the things that bring me joy. So we have a cleaner, we have a meal delivery service right now, right? So there's no dishes, no meal planning, no asking what's for dinner. Um, we have landscapers, we have snow clearing in the, in the winter. I have a really supportive husband. We communicate often. You know, that's how I went on that retreat into loom. We have a shared calendar, so we're both really communicating and talking about what's going on, what the days and the weeks look like, and even the months ahead. And we actually meet every quarter to talk about our goals, to reflect on the last quarter and to come up with new goals and talk about our dreams and, you know, how we're doing on that path, um, I'm also super duper organized and I'm the color coordinated, sticky person who has multiple different, colored pens. I plan my week ahead every Friday, right, and I make sure that I'm planning in fun and adventure with my son, that I'm building in, working out and exercise, getting out for walks. yoga, beyond yoga for lawyers, like how that's fitting into my week and obviously work is on there as well. I plan my next day, the night before, uh, in terms of the month ahead, I also have a monthly wall calendar so I can see what's coming up and I can be ready. And sometimes just by looking at the wall calendar, I can see that there is a super heavy week. And then ahead of time, I can make. Plans to change that week so that it's more in alignment with how I want to be living versus, you know Oh, I'll just have to get through it kind of idea. Um, I yeah I am very very like my calendar is how I Do all the things really at the end of the day and then I could think the other thing is Really following through with what I put on my calendar because when the time does come and it says, you know at 8 p. m I'm gonna work on beyond yoga for lawyers. Sometimes my brain tells me that I don't want to do that, right? I want to sit on the couch and you know Have a glass of tea and not be sitting at my desk doing beyond yoga or wherever I decide to do it But you know, it sometimes doesn't want to do those things. I think from the years of yoga that I've done, really being able to sit with myself and feel into that not wanting to or not feeling inspired or, you know, just kind of those thoughts that you have and just being able to sit with myself and have that conversation and be like, you know, this is why it's important. This is why we're doing beyond yoga for lawyers. Like I want to be an example. I want to help other lawyers, stay in the practice or, be less stressed out, find ways to cope. And I, then I actually sit down and I do the work. Um, and that's, I think something that distinguishes what I do as well. And then I also prioritize. So what that means is some days I don't clean the kitchen, and it's not a hundred percent clean the way I wish it was, but I actually sat down and I did my weekly email for my beyond yoga for lawyers group, or I planned the yoga class or something. So I'm very, I guess comfortable with being uncomfortable about, you know, the house, not being. super clean or me having, you know, having to choose certain things over other things. And then finally, I would add just not getting caught up in other people's asks and wants. So I know that like with me for my phone, like someone will ask me for something or, you know, want to kind of jump the queue in my list of things to do, and if I'm not paying attention, I'll do their thing over anything that I do that's for myself on my own list. And so really just being mindful and paying attention to that and knowing that my stuff is important.

AC - dawn 13:06

Wow, I really took a lot of notes because there are so many really good points here and what I am hearing from you is this overall just, feeling of being very organized. And yet, letting go of perfection, not hanging on to perfectionism, and at the same time, remembering your why and keeping boundaries. But have you always been this organized and regimented about your planning, or is this something new with having a new child and being a partner?

AC - aman 13:38

So I thought everybody was disorganized.

AC - dawn 13:41

Ha ha ha!

AC - aman 13:42

And then when I slowly started telling my friends, like in high school, you know, they would see my multicolored stickies and my multicolored highlighters and in law school, the same thing, right? Like I would use different color highlighters and things. And people would comment about how like, that wasn't normal, right? Like green meant money. Right. And so I was like, what do you mean? That's not normal. People don't do this. Like, then how do you function? Um, so. I have realized over the years that this is actually just something that I, I don't know, I think I'm just naturally, this is just the way that I am.

AC - dawn 14:11

Yeah, it's a superpower. I think it's wonderful. But you know, I want to, it brings up something for me because I know a little bit about your history with trying to get pregnant. And if you don't mind, I would love for you to talk about how your pregnancy journey, how that affected your organization, because personally, having had multiple years of infertility treatments, there's so much uncertainty there. And I felt a total lack of control over my schedule and could not plan. So tell us a little bit about what you experienced in trying to build your family and how that affected this system.

AC - aman 14:52

Yes. Yeah. So basically the two words that came to mind while you were kind of going through that is letting go and surrender were really the things that I had to practice. And I think, you know, having heard what I just went through right now in terms of the way that I plan things, that was a lesson I think for me that I've had to. work through because surrendering is not easy, especially for someone like me, who likes to plan even the fun and adventure. To that extent. And it was, yeah, it was hard. I had a coach actually through that time as well, not specifically for the fertility stuff. It just so happened that that's what I was going through at the time. And so we worked through that, but there was no planning, right? Like I was like, okay, we'll get pregnant right away. Then I'll go on that leave. And this is what it will look like. And here's how it's going to go. And that's not what was happening. And you know, the medical tests and the blood tests and then you're not, you know, I wasn't telling anybody anything at the firm because I don't know, it's just not something that people talk about or that you share. And then it feels like, you know, like there's something wrong with you. Like even when our results came back, my husband and I came back normal. My parents were like, well, there's gotta be something wrong with you guys that this isn't working. And you know, there was comments about our age. We were 36 at the time. Turning 37. So it was really, really a difficult time, especially because at the beginning, we didn't tell anybody about it. Just even getting into the fertility treatment. So in Canada, it's they wait one year. So you have to have one year of trying that you're unable to get pregnant at the one year mark. Then they'll take you into the private clinic and then they'll do their tests and run everything like that. And then once you're ready, they'll take you in. The first step is IUI. So that's what we ended up doing first. I did the first round of IUI. It was unsuccessful and I basically wanted to give up. It was in October and I was like, I don't want to do this. I was like, I'll just wait till January. I want to enjoy Christmas. I don't want to do this because I just couldn't handle the disappointment. And... The unknowns around, right? Like you're taking tests, like the morning of you're going through things that nobody else knows that you're going through, and it could mean at an instant one morning that you're going to the clinic and that you're doing this. And that's going to be your whole day. And so you're doing this alone with really not having told anybody else and nobody in the firm knowing. I guess in a way COVID was good in that sense that like my husband and I were able to work from home together and so nobody saw me leaving the office like so I wasn't leaving a physical office to go and do these things and take these appointments and go take him so you know to drop off his sample and all that kind of stuff. So I lucked out I think in that way and having to quote explain myself and like where I was going, but slowly over time it became. That I couldn't handle it just like we couldn't do it just ourselves. And so we actually did end up reaching out for our second IUI and telling people and asking them to send us, positive energy and that this was what we were going through and really just to kind of be with us in spirit as we went through this. And thankfully the second round of IUI ended up working and we did go the next month, um, because my husband, thought we should. And so thankfully I, I bought in and we did and really just letting go and making it fun, like we went bowling, we got Sundays, we just didn't hang on to the days and everything. That's so regimented about the process and like, in a way, very stressful.

AC - dawn 18:16

Definitely. You're not alone in this and I remember that after you shared this experience down the line a little bit that other attorneys and people that you know and colleagues reached out and said, like, I have had this experience and I kept it a secret or, yes, I went through infertility myself.

AC - aman 18:37

Yes, 100%. The more the one person you talk to turns out the next person turns out like we have friends who actually went through the exact same processes as us. And we have, kids that are three months apart, and they went through the exact same process as us. But we had no idea because nobody talks about it. And in the lawyer community, it's even more so right? Like people just think like, you should be working. And if you're not in the office, and you're not working, well, then you're just slacking off like that's what you're doing. But it's like, actually, no, that's not true. But like, you know, it's clear. How do you talk? Like just starting to talk about this stuff, I think is kind of where we start.

AC - dawn 19:12

I'm really glad that you had a positive outcome and that you have this wonderful baby boy. And I want to delve a little bit more into uncertainty because what I've heard from you is as far as navigating uncertainty, whether it be from infertility, from work life balance, from financial things, uh, getting in over your head financially, that You have a couple of common themes, and that is open communication with your spouse, planning an organization and then making it fun, you mentioned. Also you mentioned having a coach. Anything else that you, would recommend or that you did that helped you to navigate uncertainty when you're such a hyper planner?

AC - aman 19:57

Yeah, I think even right now, it's kind of like helping me as well. It's just one step at a time. Like there's this kind of idea that, you know, you have to get there quickly or something has to be done right away. And the sense of urgency for a lot of, you know, the way that the world is working right now and operating. And I think for me, what's, I remember it's just, it's one step at a time. And then I don't have to have it figured out right now. Like, that's how I kind of remind myself to, you know, just keep taking steps forward, and that I'll figure it out as I'm going along, and that that's okay.

AC - dawn 20:31

I think that's really great advice. That's one that I don't really hear often. And it's so true. Just look at the next step ahead of you and focus on that and not worry about all the things down the road. Is there anything that you wish you knew as a person that was getting straight out of law school into a firm, feeling that pull to be on the partnership train in the same exact way that everyone else is Anything that you wish that you knew that you know now?

AC - aman 21:04

I think that you don't have to be like everybody else. You can be different and if you do want to live differently, then I think the first thing is like accepting that and that took me years to accept that I was different than the people that I was working with or that the people that I saw around me, like they were happy with the law being 100% of their lives. For me, I didn't want that. And I thought that there was something wrong with me. So if the, the track of achievement is, you know, something you're doing for external factors or to impress or make somebody else proud, like, I think it's really taking that time to reflect for yourself without distraction, where you're headed and what you really want. Because at the end of the day, it is your life and I think regret is something, that I'm being more mindful of as I'm approaching 40 now, so, that's something that I'm mindful of. And so just really being mindful, having more fun along the way and taking time to think and pause about where you want to end up and that if you feel that you're different. And you want to do things differently, you can. And then Dawn, you've interviewed so many women who are doing things differently. There are women out there as examples.

AC - dawn 22:21

Yes, I think that listening to other people's stories just like this one and the many others are so helpful because then you know, it's not just you and You know that other people have been in this place before and so that can be really helpful as well We've talked a lot about How hard things can be and how to navigate uncertainty and being different. But what do you really love about your life right now? What's the best part about you're leaning out.

AC - aman 22:56

I have to say being a young, a new mom has actually been super fun. It was really hard at the beginning. And yes, it's something that you don't get prepared for, but honestly, like the best part of my day is spending time with my son and my husband and just doing the simple things like going for walks, having breakfast together, um, jolly jumping time right now before he's able to walk, which then will change it to a different activity, but just having that time together and communicating and making him laugh, that's my one thing on my day that like there is one goal I have every day and that's to make him laugh like from the gut. That's it. That's all I want.

AC - dawn 23:35

There is nothing like a baby's laugh. Oh, wonderful. So is there anything else you'd like to add?

AC - aman 23:42

Yeah, I think the one thing that has worked for me, and this is why I started Beyond Yoga for Lawyers, is having a weekly yoga or meditation practice. I am not somebody who meditates or does yoga every single day. I've just been doing it on Monday nights for the last 10 years. I go to a class with my teacher for the last 10 years, and I really do think that that is, is, is, Undistracted time from my, like, away from my phone, gives me time to pause, time to think, time to listen, and to hear my own self and my own desires, my own dreams, to notice when I'm unsettled, to process emotions like tears or, you know, there was a lot of tears that I had going through the infertility journey that I had. And being with that, again, thinking that there's something wrong with me because, I couldn't get pregnant. And so I really just think that taking that time, however that looks like for each person, taking that time to, disconnect from the world for however many, minutes you can spare. Even if it's just once a week. And that's what I've been doing, and that works for me. And so, I just really encourage. everyone to find that thing for themselves and experiment so that they can find something that really can help them.

AC - dawn 24:57

I really appreciate hearing your perspective and all of your pearls of wisdom on time management. And I'd like to know where people can find you. Can you plug your yoga group one more time.

AC - aman 25:13

You bet. So the next round of group yoga classes starts at the end of September and they are by zoom. So you can check out beyond yoga for lawyers. com and you'll find me on Instagram and LinkedIn.

AC - dawn 25:25

Great. We will include all those links in the notes. Again, thank you so much for being here. It's been a pleasure.

AC - aman 25:33

Thank you for having me.

25:40

So during our recording, I forgot to ask Aman, what was the romcom movie that she's going to be in? And she said, it's two separate movies. One is called Mr. Christmas. And the other is coupled up for Christmas and they're both due out holiday 2023. So look for those. That was a really fun conversation. And I was blown away by the amount of organization that almond does on a regular basis. But I think that it really shows that that's the way that she is able to. Integrate all of the things into her life that she wants to be doing. Here are my takeaways from our conversation. Number one, experiment yourself with time-saving modalities. Almond has tried it all when it comes to time management and organization techniques, and she is not afraid to experiment with this. Your time savers are going to change as your life evolves. So be open to trying lots of different techniques and services. Almond listed lots of different ideas for you. Number two, there's nothing wrong with you if you enjoy your work, but you seek to find meaning in other pursuits as well. Not everyone derives a tremendous amount or a hundred percent of their purpose from their job. I'm in realized early in her career that she didn't want her life to be about just the law. But at the same time, she didn't want to leave her profession for something else. She is found a way to practice law and pursue a passion of sharing yoga and wellness and mindfulness with other lawyers. Number three, it's important to strike a balance between organization planning and surrender. Aman has an impressive time management regimen. But through experiences like infertility and now motherhood, she's had to learn to let go of her desire to plan everything and have everything be perfect. Even her law career, hasn't followed the exact timeline she is expected, and that is okay. My question for you in parting today is what area of your life do you need currently to let go and surrender? Thanks for listening to the lean out podcast. If you like what you hear, please leave a review for this podcast on iTunes or Spotify. So other people needing this kind of community and inspiration can find it easier. Also, you can support this podcast and learn more about the ideas presented by buying my book, lean out a professional woman's guide to finding authentic work-life balance. Lastly, if you want more information about working with me. Please visit my website@wwwdotpracticebalance.com.