A Surrogate's Responsibility

Surrogates take on a huge responsibility when entering a Surrogacy Journey. In this episode, Frank discusses Surrogates role in the process and how they can include their Intended Parents throughout the entire journey. He shares ideas that Surrogates can use to help reassure their Intended Parents and also shares personal stories about his own surrogates.

Transcript

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 Frank 00:02 
Welcome to Surrogacy Talk with me, your fabulous host and family building expert, Frank Golden. I'll be talking about surrogacy, IVF and making babies. Welcome back, everyone. I am joined by the fabulous Erika.
 
Erika 00:19 
Hello, everyone.
 
Frank 00:20 
Thank you for being here, Erika.
 
Erika 00:22 
Thanks for having me.
 
Frank 00:23 
Yes. So today we are going to talk about what things the surrogate can do to be supportive and really help their surrogacy journey. Be as pleasant as possible for everyone, for intended and for themselves. So with that said, I know you have some questions.
 
Erika 00:43 
Of course I do. So in the very initial phases of, so I guess, post-match call, post matching, what can a surrogate do to help establish that relationship with their intended parents?
 
Frank 00:59 
So that is a really great question. The first thing that I would say is that if you've gone through an agency, which we hope you have, I'm sure there was some sort of profile exchange or a match call or a Skype call or meet. What I would say is always go back to your profile, your profile, and refresh your recollection where your values are concerned.
 
Frank 01:26 
Things that you have said to your intended parents initially are things that you want to hold true throughout your journey. So if you've noted in your your dear intended parents letter that you'd like to have a relationship by which they are considered like an extension of the family, remember those things, introduce them to your husband, introduce them to your children, and make them feel as involved as possible.
 
Frank 01:48 
So have a refresher, look at the profile and make sure that you're not missing anything. And then because that's really the foundation of the relationship, they're expecting you to fulfill things that you've put in your profile and you're expecting them to follow through with things they've put in their profile as well. So definitely take a look at that.
 
Frank 02:06 
Um, but like I said, introduce them to your, to your husband or spouse or partner if you haven't done so already. If everyone hasn't met on the call, um, your children and be forthcoming and open like
 
Erika 02:21 
Be as transparent as possible and they I think at that phase, even though questions have been answered during the match call and the agency hopefully the, with the right agency, they've really helped answer a lot of your questions as well. It's very normal for intended parents to have more questions for their surrogates. It's kind of like new to them where a surrogate has been pregnant before,
 
Erika 02:41 
they've built their families so this may not be as like they're not there might be more understanding of what's going to happen. So I think for a surrogate to just be really open about the questions and okay answering them, even if it's like I've already kind of answered this, I just answer it again and be open, willing to help them through this.
 
Erika 03:00 
Understand that they're putting a lot of trust in somebody they don't know very well.
 
Frank 03:04 
And kickoff that communication, you know, immediately after a match exchange phone numbers, start your communication cadence, your texting, your calls. You really want to kick that off in a strong, robust way and just try to be as forthcoming and honest and build that communication immediately following match. Just so that, again, you're building a strong foundation with your intended parents.
 
Erika 03:26 
And I would imagine if I was trusting a woman to carry a pregnancy for me and I wasn't able to be there maybe in the same state, I would need a lot of reassurance. So what can a surrogate do to reassure her parents throughout the entire pregnancy? From embryo transfer to delivery?
 
Frank 03:43 
That's a great question. One of the main things a surrogate can do is just to be very forthcoming with information. So you're exactly right. Intended parents in situations where geographically there's a barrier there, they can't come to all of the appointments. So don't wait for your intended parents to reach out to you to ask how the appointment went.
 
Frank 04:03 
You know, either try to take pictures if it's allowed. It's not always allowed in the ultrasound room. But if you can take a photo of the scan or you can have a lab tech, send a picture of the ultrasound.
 
Erika 04:14 
Call them, call them while you're at the appointment, have on the phone and speaker.
 
Frank 04:17 
Exactly. Have them on speaker so that they can maybe the doctor can say hi, everything looks great, be forthcoming with that information. Don't let them have to sit there and wait and guess and bite their nails.
 
Erika 04:28 
And be proactive. You're the one, you know, going on the appointment and you're in a sense, yes, the intended parents are the one that this is their journey and this is their decision. But you kind of have an element of control in this where you're making the appointments, you're going to the appointments, you're getting information. And so and don't put them in that awkward position to wonder, okay, should I am jumping on her if I texted her now is did she just leave the appointment yet?
 
Erika 04:55 
Just fill them in and it takes 2 seconds of your day to tell them like hey, it went really well. It was awesome.
 
Frank 04:59 
Yes. You know, for Adam and I, we had our surrogate in Pennsylvania. She would FaceTime us during her appointments. So yeah. That kind of stuff really makes a huge difference.
 
Erika 05:11 
Yeah. And then also, I guess throughout the pregnancy, how can a surrogate kind of address some of the things that she's going through without maybe freaking out her intended parents? I mean.
 
Frank 05:23 
Yeah, I think. You know, what I always say is honesty's the best policy. Yeah. You don't want to freak them out. You want to be transparent and give them that information, but don't play play up the drama, if you will, because they it might be something minor and maybe just kind of the way you tell them could really freak them out.
 
Frank 05:41 
So maintain composure. You know, it's your body, it's your experience. So no one can really tell you what to do or how to present things, but just be mindful of the fact that they will feed into every word you say. So if if you know, it's not something super serious, again, I would downplay the drama aspect of it.
 
Frank 06:03 
Let them know that.
 
Erika 06:03 
Call your surrogate coordinator first maybe and talk to her about like some of the things you're going through. And we can give you professional guidance on how to, you know, maybe address it in a relaxed.
 
Frank 06:15 
That's exactly right. Give us a call. We'll walk you through the scenario or even, you know, call your doctor as well and find out if if it is something serious, how you should address it. So that way, when you call your intended parents or notify them, you have the scenario and then what kind of the solution.
 
Erika 06:31 
So obviously the surrogate is pregnant and the intended parents, that's their child, but they're not necessarily they're in the pregnancy, but they're not in it. You know, they're not doing the pregnancy. So how can the surrogate keep her intended parents very involved and make them feel like they may as well be pregnant themselves?
 
Frank 06:54 
Yeah, so there's a couple different things here that the surrogate can do. Obviously, taking pictures and video when at appointments if intended parents aren't there. Oftentimes surrogates also like to take pictures. They'll send like the belly bump photos like the 20 week bump and or they'll take one at every week milestone with like a little message. So doing those things is really helpful or offered to wear the BellyBuds for your intended parents.
 
Frank 07:21 
They can record their voice or music and they can
 
Erika 07:24 
I was gonna say what are those?
 
Frank 07:25 
Yeah. They can put them they can put the there like little microphones. They can put them on their belly and it'll play the audio for the baby. So there's different gestures and things that surrogates can do throughout the journey to bring their surrogate, that bring their intended parents into the fold and make them feel like they're, they're impacting the pregnancy in a positive way.
 
Erika 07:42 
Or like a texts like felt him moving a lot today would probably be such a great text to get in the morning from like from your surrogate that the baby's been moving that day a lot or I mean, what what what other cool milestones could you share with your intended parents?
 
Frank 07:58 
You know, well, the main ones. So like six weeks is very early on. That's important because it's when heartbeat is detected so that's a really special one to go to. And then usually there's there's not really a lot of ultrasounds if the pregnancy and hopefully it is, is uncomplicated throughout the 20 week is huge definitely try to go to that one.
 
Frank 08:18 
But surrogates should actively engage their intended parents even if they're out of state and say you know I know you can't come to all of the appointments, nor do I want you to. I'm sure most surrogates would agree that you really don't need or want your intended parents at every single appointment because a lot of them are
 
Erika 08:32 
It gets to be every two weeks eventually. That's a lot.
 
Frank 08:34 
Yeah. Adam and I used to go to the appointments with our local surrogate here in Illinois, and as long as there's no complications, they don't even really do bloodwork. She would walk in, the doctor would say, how are you feeling? And boom, done. No ultrasound. No nothing. But anything the surrogate can do to help pull intended parents and and say, I really want you at the 20 week ultrasound.
 
Frank 08:54 
Like it's really important. I'd love for you to be there, make your intended parents feel like you really want them involved. Not that it's a burden or an inconvenience if they show up and maybe mention to them, you know, if their flight gets in a little earlier, they get get in the day before you would love to have dinner with them and catch up in person.
 
Frank 09:11 
Just saying those things and having those gestures of good faith is just really important throughout the journey.
 
Erika 09:16 
I agree. So typically we have we've had great intended parents, but sometimes like the intended parents may have like diet expectations or a little bit of exercise expectations, you know, maybe you can go into a little bit like what are some strategies that surrogate can do to ensure them that they are living a healthy lifestyle? You know, that comes to my mind as maybe taking their kids to the park.
 
Erika 09:42 
And a lot of our surrogates do that anyway. That's the thing that mothers do with young children and taking pictures of that and sending that to your intended parents and saying, hey, here we are, outdoor activity and with my kids and make them maybe a little bit more part of your personal life, not just the pregnancy component.
 
Frank 09:59 
Yeah. And, you know, another great strategy too, especially with with all the advent of technology and mobile apps, as you can join like in my fitness pal with intended parents. And they you can you can yeah. You can track their fitness as intended parents and they can see like how many steps you get in in a day. Depends how transparent you want to be with your exercise regimen.
 
Frank 10:18 
If that's something that is built your match was built on the foundation of your relationship. Not saying everyone needs to do that because not everyone is a gym buff and goes and.
 
Erika 10:27 
Right again, this does like for intended parents that have worked out with their surrogate that there is some kind of exercise diet expectation. And the surrogate was like, yeah, of course. And then they decide to do that. That's a really cool idea.
 
Frank 10:37 
Yeah, do an app that's really cool or like you said, to take photos.
 
Erika 10:41 
Right. So we deal with a lot of gay intended parents and a lot of heterosexual intended parents. Do you think it varies so like gay intended parents don't ever see themselves being pregnant. I mean, two gay males is what obviously I'm referring to. And in a heterosexual relationship, it could be a number of reasons why they were going for a surrogate, but it might be because the intended mother was unable to conceive a child on her own.
 
Erika 11:12 
So are there additional things that a surrogate can do to make the intended mother specifically feel more involved throughout the pregnancy?
 
Frank 11:21 
So you're there is a difference there. You're right. With gay couples, we never envisioned being pregnant. So we don't we don't harbor any any feelings of remorse or potentially resentment. We're just really kind of excited that this woman was able to help us the entire time. Now, with heterosexual couples, there is there's a different emotional dynamic at play because I'm sure you can attest to this growing up as a as a little girl, you always think you'll grow up one day and have a baby.
 
Frank 11:55 
You know, that you're able to have a baby in most cases or you think you're able to. Right. Until you go to try and then it doesn't work. And then you go and see a reproductive endocrinologist and they're like, okay, here's the issues why. And to make this happen, you're going to need to use a gestational carrier. So that's a daunting realization for many women.
 
Frank 12:17 
I'm sure it like stops you in your tracks and freaks you out. And then you have to come to that realization that you can't hold the pregnancy yourself. So you're putting all your trust into this woman into your surrogate for surrogates managing those relationships. I would definitely make sure that if you're working with intended parents, where there's an intended mom portion or aspect of the journey, that you have an even more open dialog with her and address her concerns and really ask what type of communication and updates she prefers because a gay couple may be happy to receive every single update, you know, like, oh, I'm getting a cramp.
 
Frank 12:53 
I think it's Braxton Hicks or here's my belly bump photo and they may be, gay couples are, for the most part, going to be very excited to receive those updates. And the intended mother may not want all of those updates just for her own sanity, her own emotional issues that she may be going through, not being the one carrying the baby.
 
Frank 13:13 
She may be more prone to having negative impact of those feelings, getting all of those little updates. So but that's not that's not every case. But it.
 
Erika 13:24 
Check in with her.
 
Frank 13:24 
Something you check in with her. It's just something that it's a component that could be present. So I would say as a surrogate kind of step back and say, okay, there's an intended mom here, I'd like to get to know more about why, what her struggles were, why she couldn't carry the pregnancy and really address her concerns and make her feel as comfortable as I possibly can throughout this whole process.
 
Frank 13:44 
And just kind of wrap your head around that. Um.
 
Erika 13:47 
That's such a great point. I really, see I was in the mindset of you might want to do more for updating your intended mother and get really in detail, but what a great point that that might not be appropriate. And you kind of have to see where she's at um.
 
Frank 14:05 
Or she may be an intended mother that wants even more updates than a gay couple would. She may want to go to every single appointment because she she wants to be even more tuned in. So it's just a, there are two different relationship dynamics there, a gay couple versus a heterosexual couple and you really want to know that as a surrogate and then address those concerns head on.
 
Erika 14:29 
Be very sensitive to that. That's really important to
 
Frank 14:32 
And use your agency if you're hopefully everyone out there listening is with Golden Surrogacy or considering using our agency and even if you're with another agency, tap the agency resources and say, okay, there's an intended mom component. You know, talk to me a little bit about her. How do I make her feel comfortable? Use your agency. That's what we're here for.
 
Frank 14:51 
We will help that relationship.
 
Erika 14:55 
100%. So as a pregnancy comes to an end, there's a lot of mixed emotions there, especially for surrogates. I mean, it is about the intended parents having a child, but the surrogates are also going through this really, you know, emotional journey as well it's a life changing event, being a surrogate. That's that of the feedback we hear from surrogates.
 
Erika 15:13 
It's life changing. So naturally, there's some anxiety about what's going to happen after this baby's born. Like, I've really grown a relationship with the intended parents and I would like to stay in touch. And if we do recommend typically the intended parents, bring that up and make those arrangements and kind of develop that plan with a surrogate. But if for some reason the intended parent has not addressed this yet and getting close delivery, how can a surrogate address that with grace?
 
Frank 15:43 
So one of the things is surrogates can talk to the agency and say, you know, I, I haven't spoken with the intended parents about this, but what kind of updates should I expect or how can I engage in that dialog? And we can give them some really great tips we can do a group consultation group conference call and have kind of like a post-birth plan so that everyone's on the same page.
 
Frank 16:07 
We can help finesse that relationship hopefully by the time the pregnancies is coming to a close after your nine months, you have a really great relationship with your intended parents that such that you can just say, hey, after this baby comes, you know, I'd love to get an update, you know, at the first birthday or any time he or she does something cute, you know, send me a photo, you won't be bothering me because some intended parents might feel like if they're too involved, maybe they're bothering their surrogate.
 
Frank 16:34 
She needs to rest. And but a surrogate can very easily just kind of say, I would love those updates. You're not bothering me. Send me photos as you take them. But don't stress out. I know that you're raising a newborn now and things have changed. So and that's another thing for surrogates to know is that all throughout the pregnancy, you'll be very accustomed to receiving a lot of attention from your intended parents when you text them, you may hear back instantly.
 
Frank 17:01 
You may just have a really great connection with them. And then sometimes what tends to happen is after the baby comes, the relationship tapers a little, and maybe you don't receive updates as quickly or you maybe you go a day or two without hearing from intended parents. Don't take that personal. It's just that now they have this.
 
Erika 17:19 
Baby now.
 
Frank 17:20 
This baby. This little life form they're caring for. And they are in most cases, they're full time, they're employed and they are they're really stressed out. They have a baby now, and they just need to kind of adjust to their new life. So it's nothing personal. Again, they're not trying to ignore you. They're just trying to adapt as new parents.
 
Frank 17:39 
So, know that going into like your third trimester. Know that that's a reality that can happen and it just have that open dialog is there's nothing to be bitter about, nothing to be upset about.
 
Erika 17:51 
And it means you did a good job. It means you you produced a healthy baby, and now they're taking care of that healthy baby. You you've done what you set out to do. And as a result, they're immensely busy and stressed out. So yeah, I guess that's a great approach is just to establish that trusting open relationship right off the bat so that when it comes to a post delivery relationship, you can just kind of maybe ask and again, if it's awkward or uncomfortable or not sure how to do it, your agency should most definitely be more than willing to support you through that and again, do a conference call or sometimes it's just less awkward
 
Erika 18:29 
if we address it to the intended parents first. I mean, whatever everyone feels comfortable with, but.
 
Frank 18:35 
Right. We don't want our surrogates going through the program feeling as though they don't have a voice, that they're just right. You know, women carrying these babies and, you know, your emotions your how you're feeling, how you're processing everything is very important. And we want, again, to make sure you have a voice and that you're transparent about how you're feeling.
 
Frank 18:56 
And if you don't feel like you can address those things directly with your intended parents, then give us a call, send us an email. We're there for you. We will help those things become addressed and we will help help the situation.
 
Erika 19:07 
Most of our intended parents and surrogates have maintained relationships past the pregnancy delivery. And I know that we're still close with Debbie and Janet. Frank and Adam's surrogates, so and we've had them, you know, I know we know them by name, the whole team here. But anything else you wanted to to kind of go over what surrogates can do?
 
Erika 19:28 
We talked about sending pictures, being transparent, making sure that if you have an appointment they don't intend parents have to be there, but they definitely know about it and know how it went.
 
Frank 19:42 
I would say, you know, overall, my key takeaway would just be to have open communication and form your bond with your intended parents through open dialog that follows so and be nice to your point earlier, Erika, they you know, surrogates have to much of the much extent a lot of control over the pregnancy. It's their body they're the ones growing the baby.
 
Frank 20:07 
So there's a lot of trust the intended parents are placing in you. So be cognizant of that and just be open and honest with your intended parents. Be happy, be positive. You're doing a really great thing for them and try to bring them into the fold as much as you can. And and I think overall your journey will be will be a pleasant one and it will continue beyond, you know, like you were saying with Janet, Debbie and Adam and I have a great relationship with our own surrogates.
 
Frank 20:34 
We send them updates, the milestones post-delivery are amazing. So if that's the relationship you want, it's definitely possible. You just have to put forth the effort and you will have a great experience.
 
Erika 20:44 
Yeah. A life changing experience.
 
Frank 20:47 
Yes.
 
Erika 20:50 
So nothing else you want to add, Frank. I think we're good.
 
Frank 20:53 
Yeah I think we're really good. I just want to say that this is our 20th podcast, so that's pretty. Yeah. Bravo.
 
Erika 21:00 
Very exciting.
 
Frank 21:00 
We, um, for those of you out there who don't know this, we don't record these podcasts on a cell phone or some.
 
Erika 21:08 
Adam would never.
 
Frank 21:09 
No. We have like a real studio here at the office with professional headsets and mics and a mixing board. And we we're doing it for real.
 
Erika 21:17 
We're still learning new things. Like today I learned a little bit more about the levels that Adam taught me, and we're really, we're growing and learning, and it's a it's an exciting time for the business. Yeah, it truly is. And so this is an honor to be part of the 20th. I want I one day will be the 20th year anniversary.
 
Erika 21:34 
But right now it's just the 20th podcast anniversary.
 
Frank 21:36 
Yeah. Yeah. 20th anniversary. I'll need a lot of wrinkle cream and hair dye for that one. But thank you for following us. If you're out there following us, all of our social media handles are @GoldenSurrogacy and thank you for listening.
 
Erika 21:50 
Thank you, everybody.