What To Expect When Your Surrogate is Expecting

Pregnancy is complex, and it can be stressful for Intended Parents to process it all. In this episode, Frank discusses pregnancy and what to expect when a surrogate is expecting. He uses his own experience as a surrogacy agency own to address each trimester, possible complications, and important milestones throughout a typical pregnancy.

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 Frank 00:02 
Welcome to Surrogacy Talk with me, your fabulous host and family building expert, Frank Golden. I'll be talking about surrogacy, IVF, and making babies. Hello, everyone, and welcome back. And today, I'm here with Erika Daybook.
 
Erika 00:20 
Hello, everyone.
 
Frank 00:22 
Thank you, Erika for being with us today. Of course, it's not a podcast without Erika.
 
Erika 00:28 
I'm so flattered.
 
Frank 00:30 
So today's podcast is going to center around the different stages of a pregnancy as kind of we see it from the surrogacy agency perspective. And we'll talk about some different things that take place at various stages throughout the pregnancy. And then just as a disclaimer, before we dive into subject matter here, Erika nor I are medical professionals. We didn't go to med school.
 
Frank 00:54 
We're not giving advice, medical advice. Everything that we say is just through our own experience as we see it again, through the agency, surrogacy agency perspective. So I encourage you after this podcast, if you have any questions about any of the subject matter, reach out to your own physician or do your own research. We are not giving medical advice in this podcast.
 
Frank 01:17 
And without further ado, Erika, I'm sure you have a list of questions.
 
Erika 01:22 
You know, I do, because pregnancy is complex, right? And that's why we're doing this. So let's go into the very beginning of a surrogacy. Well, actually, let's go right to an embryo transfer. Let's talk about how the intended parents tend to feel during that time from your experience and then kind of the overall process involved.
 
Frank 01:45 
Yeah. So the embryo transfer obviously is kind of like the date of conception in the surrogacy world. You know, it's the day that you are transferring your embryo into your surrogate and hopefully implantation will take place shortly thereafter and you'll have a baby. So it's a momentous occasion intended parents and surrogates are really nervous obviously. So it's one of the most major milestones.
 
Frank 02:12 
It's the beginning of your journey or that you're embarking on with your surrogate. The surrogates are really nervous because it's they want to do a good job. They want that embryo transfer to work. They want to help you either start or continue your family, hopefully, or your first, you know, embryo transfer is successful and you have implantation.
 
Erika 02:31 
Frank always says be cautiously optimistic going into a journey. Technology's gotten better, right? I mean, so the success rates are great.
 
Frank 02:40 
It really has most intended parents, at least through our program are doing PGS or PGD, the genetic testing on the embryos. And we have seen success rates, you know, in the 80 percentile, if not higher when when they are having their embryos tested in advance. And from someone who was an intended parent and not being able to do genetic testing on our embryos because we just we didn't have enough due to our own circumstances.
 
Frank 03:07 
I always advise that if you can do the genetic testing because then you have peace of mind that at least you're giving your embryos the best possible chance for success. You're transferring the best ones, even if, you know, like you said, implantation doesn't occur on the first embryo transfer. At least you know that you are doing kind of everything that you can to make it happen.
 
Erika 03:28 
Exactly. And you're kind of a solid expert on failed transfers. You've experienced some of your own.
 
Frank 03:34 
Yes, unfortunately. But it's it's part of surrogacy. It's part of it. It's part of pregnancy.
 
Erika 03:38 
You have two beautiful children, so you're proof that you get through that. Okay. So let's just say the embryo stuck and pregnancy has been confirmed. Can you kind of go through some of that initial phase of a pregnancy?
 
Frank 03:52 
Yeah. So your surrogacy, surrogates out there, you will be under the care of the the RE, the reproductive endocrinologist and the fertility clinic until you're between eight and ten weeks along. So that's typically when the fertility clinic will release you. Fun fact, your, the baby that you are hopefully carrying is still considered an embryo until about ten weeks when it leaves the embryonic cells state and becomes an actual fetus or baby.
 
Frank 04:19 
So just kind of a fun fact there. I didn't know that. I did research. So you know, after the fertility clinic says, okay, everything looks good in this pregnancy, again, you're usually between eight and ten weeks along, depending on the clinics protocol. You will then be able to go off of your fertility drugs and start seeing your regular OB for your regular prenatal care, just as though it was any regular pregnancy.
 
Frank 04:48 
So you kind of carry on that way. Um, I always advise that intended parents go to the first OB appointment just to kind of meet your doctor, establish that rapport and really show their support. You know, it's their pregnancy. They should be there to support you and to meet your doctor and be engaged in the entire process.
 
Erika 05:07 
Definitely. And I would imagine that in a regular pregnancy, a non surrogacy pregnancy, that women are very hormonal in that first trimester, a lot of mood swings and especially since surrogates are still seeing their fertility clinic for you said eight to ten weeks till they're eight to ten weeks pregnant.
 
Frank 05:33 
Correct. Yep.
 
Erika 05:34 
That's and they're still on medication. So that's just additional hormonal fluctuations that are naturally going to affect their mood.
 
Frank 05:40 
Additional hormones in addition to just having to give themselves the injectable medication is quite painful and and I can't imagine. So, yes, there are those side effects, mood fluctuations. Um, mornings a lot of morning sickness can occur. So, you know, a piece of advice out there for everyone involved. And I think we, you know, we've talked about this before is that when you go into a surrogacy journey, it's important to have a really good match that's built on a foundation of trust.
 
Frank 06:13 
And you really want a great bond with your surrogate because that first trimester is really difficult for the surrogate. She may because she's on those additional hormones. She may feel differently than she did during her first pregnancy or her her last two or three pregnancies. A surrogacy pregnancy can sometimes be a little different on the body because of all of the extra hormones um, you know, drugs that that they have to give themselves to maintain the pregnancy.
 
Frank 06:38 
So be prepared for kind of anything and just be supportive. If there's one piece of advice I can give is just be supportive, be open minded and know that it's just part of the process. It's not your surrogate being, you know, being an awful person or purposefully disconnecting it's just she's going through a lot.
 
Erika 06:55 
And just the stress of trying to get pregnant for somebody else is a lot of pressure because they just want to make their intended parents happy. And if it feels like a failure, if they failed you. So once they succeed in getting pregnant, they realize this is kind of just the beginning and oh yeah, there's morning sickness and I'm tired.
 
Erika 07:13 
It can be very overwhelming for any woman. I would imagine.
 
Frank 07:18 
The funny thing, but not like super funny is that every time we have a surrogate that reports back to us in that first trimester, like even before she has the bloodwork to confirm pregnancy and then. Right. You know, I'm starting to not feel well. I'm really, really tired that the agency support side of me is like, oh, my goodness, that's terrible.
 
Frank 07:37 
And we're really supportive of them. But on the other side, I'm like, yes, high five. Like they're probably pregnant.
 
Erika 07:42 
We love that.
 
Frank 07:44 
It's like bittersweet, because it's like, okay, she's going through all these things, but it's a good thing because it probably means that she's pregnant. So it's, it's yeah, it's bittersweet.
 
Erika 07:53 
So let's move on to well, I guess we don't want to focus on the negative, but it's important to address some things that could go wrong. I know that first trimester spotting, right? I mean, we've had surrogates call and say I'm spotting a little bit and intended parents naturally get very nervous. Again, we're not doctors but we just don't want anyone to get overly anxious if they hear that someone spotting.
 
Frank 08:16 
Correct, if you research you know a lot of women spot in that first especially that first, you know a week or two following embryo transfer. Sometimes it's called like transfer implantation bleeding or cramping or whatnot. Um, it's still something that your surrogate should reach out to her medical professional or reach out to the fertility clinic and make sure that it's, you know, it's within normal range.
 
Frank 08:38 
And they will advise if she should go in and get, you know, like an emergency ultrasound or whatnot. But don't freak out again. Be supportive, be open minded and, you know, know that it's nothing that she's done. It's just part of part of the pregnancy. Right? Exactly. But you're right. There are, um, there are things that can happen in the first trimester.
 
Frank 08:59 
Um, usually if a miscarriage is going to happen, it usually happens in the first trimester. So that's they, you know, we usually don't say that your surrogate or your baby's out of the woods until at least week 14. Week 14 is around when the second trimester is beginning. Sometimes it's measured between 12 and 14, but usually around 14.
 
Frank 09:19 
So, um, I would just expect that. And then what I always tell everyone is for me personally, you're really not out of the woods until that baby is in your arms. So until that point just be, you know, as supportive as you possibly can.
 
Erika 09:34 
By being supportive, you can attend the first ultrasound, a couple of ultrasounds, you can just understand maybe send her a thank you gift just be there for her. And really start establishing that relationship for the long run. So let's move on to the second trimester and talk about what we can kind of expect there.
 
Frank 09:52 
So second trimester, again, you're kind of out of the woods. It's your pregnancy still a pregnancy, still fragile, but you're not it's not as critical, right? So your pregnancy is more established. Your surrogate usually will stop having the morning sickness and she will start to feel better and start to feel herself again.
 
Erika 10:12 
Yup.
 
Frank 10:13 
She's not in the third trimester, so she's not, um, she's not too heavy or too showy. She's not too lethargic.
 
Erika 10:19 
The baby bump is just starting to form.
 
Frank 10:22 
Right, so she's starting to feel good like her old self again.
 
Erika 10:25 
But if she for whatever reason, your surrogate does have morning sickness. Still um, I had a friend who had morning sickness throughout her entire pregnancy, unfortunately and it was fine, her doctor wasn't worried she was gaining weight. It was just unfortunate.
 
Frank 10:39 
Absolutely. And during the second trimester, your baby actually does the most growing in the second trimester. Like all of the critical, the nerves and everything is forming bones, skin, everything is basically coming together in that second trimester. So it's it's a very important and momentous phase of the pregnancy. And because you're surrogate is feeling better, it's also a really good time,
 
Frank 11:02 
if you'd like to go to where she lives. If she's not local, go and visit with her or she can still travel to where you are and kind of spend time being together and enjoying the pregnancy.
 
Erika 11:12 
It's a good travel time to travel is the second trimester. So that would be a great time to send her on a little trip to visit you, visit her or treat her to like some kind of pampering, like some kind of spa treatment.
 
Frank 11:26 
Yeah, that's a really great idea.
 
Erika 11:27 
That's really common that a lot of the time the parents, they do that, you know.
 
Frank 11:31 
Yes. And your surrogate to get to get to get a body massage or a day at the spa.
 
Erika 11:37 
Yes.
 
Frank 11:37 
She will be so grateful and also the the 20 week anatomy scan so most OBs do that is in it's at 20 weeks so that's a huge milestone um I always encourage intended parents that if you can't make it to some of the more minor appointments don't stress out about that as much definitely try to get to the 20 week because they literally measure every part of your baby and you get to see your baby on the ultrasound and it's just really magical and it's you finally you know in the earlier stages of a pregnancy looking you're looking at the the ultrasound and you're kind of trying to decipher what is what is. What is that blob I'm looking at?
 
Erika 12:14 
is that a squirrel?
 
Frank 12:16 
At the 20 week ultrasound however you can see a baby in there. The shape of a baby's clearly there and everything becomes even more so real that you will be parents very very shortly so definitely go to the 20 week huge milestone.
 
Erika 12:32 
What ultrasound was it that you knew so Frank and Adam implanted two embryos and kind of wanted to see which one would stick and maybe both but one stuck and I remember you telling me that in an ultrasound you saw Sophia and you just knew by the shape of her head that was Adam's child. You're like that's Adam's head.
 
Frank 12:57 
It might have been like the 20 week when she did the 3D scan, the 3D image, it was still really blurry. But I could see the, the forehead kind of like the cranial, the structure. And I was like, that's Adam, Adam's in there. That, that baby, that's Adam. And we already knew that it was a little girl. So the whole time, then I got to make fun of Adam.
 
Frank 13:19 
I was like, you're having a little girl, because, you know, I knew as two men, you know, you always think, okay, we're going to have a boy we're just going to be a boy. And then when we knew we were having a girl, it was a nail biter. We were like, Which one of us made a girl? Oh, my God.
 
Frank 13:34 
What's this baby going to look like? You know, because I think it's harder when you're the opposite sex of your child.
 
Erika 13:39 
Imagine your face.
 
Frank 13:40 
Your child that's in utero. What are they going to look like? I made a girl. So what does that translate to? From what I look like?
 
Erika 13:45 
Sure.
 
Frank 13:46 
So it's kind of fun. I got to make fun of him, but you're exactly right. I knew it was. I knew it was a baby related to Adam immediately. Immediately. People thought I was crazy, but then. And then as soon as the nurse handed her to us at the hospital, I looked at him and I was like, I won that bet.
 
Erika 14:01 
Told you. One of my favorite stories. So we are now moving out of the second trimester and on to the very exciting third trimester. What are some things that we can expect there, Frank?
 
Frank 14:17 
So the third trimester is, you know, really your pregnancy is even more so out of that. You're out of the woods, out of the danger zone. You're more more stable. Your baby has done all of the most important growth. You know, all of the the nerves, the bones, everything is formed. The third trimester is really about just trying to pack on as much additional weight and baby fat and everything to the baby before delivery.
 
Frank 14:43 
Lung development here, the lungs continue to develop so that your baby upon delivery can take their first, you know, gasp of fresh air and have proper lung development. So it's just kind of your baby putting together the final touches in preparing for delivery, essentially. But as as a surrogate and again, I've never been a surrogate so
 
Erika 15:05 
You haven't?
 
Frank 15:05 
No, isn't that shocking. But I'm just.
 
Erika 15:07 
Totally thought.
 
Frank 15:08 
From all the surrogates that we have been so honored to work with and then our own surrogates the third trimester can be really tough on surrogates because they're the heaviest point of the pregnancy. So their mobility may be strained especially if it's a summer pregnancy. It's really hot out, thier even more so then they're kind of feeling a little more lethargic and tired again.
 
Frank 15:33 
Having to, you know, as we noted in here, frequent bath and bathroom use. For sure. They're definitely at the point where they're having those Braxton Hicks contractions. They're preparing for their bodies, preparing for delivery. So there's some pain and cramping that accompanies that as well. And then as surrogates even inch closer to delivery, I'm sure they start thinking about where they are in public because if you're water breaks and you're at the mall, you know, so I'm sure all of these things start to go through their their minds essentially.
 
Frank 16:05 
So it's but it's it's a really fun part of the pregnancy. Intended parents are finalizing all of their items and they're either if they need things for the gift registry they haven't purchased yet or putting the final touches on the baby nursery.
 
Erika 16:21 
And they've already done their pre-birth orders in the second trimester. So this is really a phase where they know it's really coming together their names are going to be the birth certificate. It's really exciting time. And for the surrogate again, it's it's stressful, right? I mean, she's getting ready to deliver. And for me anyway, I would be so open to having intended parents in the room.
 
Erika 16:47 
Everyone can come and we can make it a party and then as it maybe is getting close, you start to realize, wow, I'm going to be in a very vulnerable position and in front of these people that become part of the family maybe, but are still, you know, it's it's so personal. So there's some of that and they have their own kids that they're chasing after.
 
Frank 17:05 
It really is. And so for intended parents listening to this, you know, it's good to go into your journey and make kind of like a birth plan or be, have a plan if you don't formalize it in a quote unquote birth plan, which is kind of like a document, at least have those discussions with your surrogate about, you know, does she want you in the room during the delivery, the delivery and how all of that should kind of play out.
 
Frank 17:31 
But note that things can change at the delivery. So I know for for Adam and I, our surrogate, she said definitely we you know, she wanted us in the room. But during her laboring while she was laboring, she did want us kind of out of the room because you can be kind of uncomfortable and really kind of tribal.
 
Frank 17:51 
And there's a lot of grunting and uncomfortable things that the surrogate has to go through. And quite honestly, they don't want some you know, even though you build a relationship with your surrogate and you're with them for nine months becoming friends. It's still very personal. It's like you don't want anyone in the bathroom
 
Erika 18:06 
Some would feel wierd in front of their husbands. Like they feel weird about it and some women don't. But either way, there's no right or wrong. It's just something to understand that your surrogate might at the last minute kind of like feel a little bit weird about it.
 
Frank 18:17 
Yeah, so don't take it personal and be like, oh my goodness. She's she's kicked us out. No, no, that's not it. We just need to be respectful. For Adam and I, then after our surrogate would, you know, laboring and Silas was coming out and they kind of sashayed us to the other side of her. And then we got to see him, like, literally be pulled and
 
Frank 18:34 
pulled out. It was like a magical experience. So regardless of how that plays, out, I just know that the game time decision sometime made to be more respectful to the surrogate and you want to try to be there for her and be supportive.
 
Erika 18:46 
So part of the birth plan, talking about post delivery relationship with your surrogate, you might want to have a plan for that, right? I mean, what do you think Frank?
 
Frank 18:58 
You do so when you're working with an agency, we put a lot of those things together in the legal contract. We try to give that advice when the contract is being formed, not that the relationship should be, you know, governed in such a black and white way. It's just more of an outline so that there's a reasonable expectation set.
 
Frank 19:21 
Yes. That can change. A pregnancy is a very long, difficult thing sometimes in relationships and feelings do evolve, but it's good to kind of have a plan. So if your journey is built on mutual trust and a strong foundation, um, depending on how that communication rhythm is formed throughout the pregnancy, that might continue on after Post-delivery for Adam and I, our first surrogate was in Pennsylvania.
 
Frank 19:46 
We're here in Illinois. So our relationship carried on much as it did throughout the pregnancy with texting and phone calls. And it was kind of even more exciting after Sophia came into the world because we were able to send her texts of pictures. We would I would like photobomb her with photos of Sophia eating breakfast. And I'm like, look, she's using a spoon for the first time.
 
Frank 20:08 
And so you get to share those milestones with the woman who helped bring your child into the world. And it's really special. And hopefully that's the relationship that you have where we're by no means saying you should have your surrogate over for, you know, for a picnic every weekend or be besties, that's not the expectation.
 
Frank 20:25 
But at least celebrate those milestones. Let her feel appreciated. As she should.
 
Erika 20:31 
As much as it was a life event for intended parents, it's a really big deal to be a surrogate. That's something that you tell people. Yeah, I was a surrogate for a family and it's a big life event for them as well.
 
Frank 20:43 
Yeah, it totally is. And we have intended parents all the time that we'll fly their surrogates and their families out to them to visit with the baby. And, you know, they'll spend spend the weekend together. And I think those relationships are really special. I love hearing those stories. And I think that's that's that's amazing. It's incredible when that happens.
 
Erika 21:04 
Most definitely and then we always recommend or I think for any pregnancy to get your surrogate or new mother a push present, it's just a nice gesture.
 
Frank 21:17 
You know, during a surrogacy pregnancy, some intended parents are of the mindset that while this is a compensated journey, this is a surrogate. So why should I be buying additional things throughout the journey? One thing I want to stress is the push present doesn't have to be anything super expensive. And you know, quite honestly, for all of the stress and sacrifice surrogate is undergoing to help you have a baby, the least you could do is, you know, something for her after the delivery so.
 
Erika 21:45 
Bathrobe a nice lush.
 
Frank 21:46 
Something. Yeah, something. Adam and I would bring a gift bag over the gift bag with some nice lotions, and some oils, and candles, and then we would also put like a gift card to like a local spa so that after her journey, you know, after delivery and she's recovering, she could go get herself like a nice body rub and maybe get her nails done and feel feel beautiful and pretty again because a pregnancy kind of can take all of that out of you.
 
Erika 22:13 
It's draining. it's draining.
 
Erika 22:15 
So yeah something to recognize the work. And again, doesn't have to be diamonds and just something nice and that'll be based on your surrogate and her personality and your personality, all that good stuff. So there's one more thing I think we wanted to address, and that's every pregnancy is different.
 
Erika 22:36 
So when we recruit and vet surrogates, they undergo, you know, medical exams and then we look at their complete medical history and their pregnancy history and their delivery history, and they're all very healthy, age appropriate women with healthy lifestyles they're financially stable those they're mentally stable. I mean, a lot of requirements. So if something does go wrong in a pregnancy it's not a surrogate's fault.
 
Erika 23:07 
It's nothing that she did wrong. You didn't get a bad surrogate, for example. Maybe she gets gestational diabetes is just an example. It's sometimes in lots of women, they'll notice that their first pregnancy was entirely different than their second pregnancy. And that's just pregnancy for you. It's that's why we tell you to stay cautiously optimistic because you just don't know.
 
Frank 23:27 
You know, if you've gone with a reputable agency like Golden Surrogacy,
 
Erika 23:30 
Exactly. Like Golden Surrogacy.
 
Frank 23:33 
You're exactly right. We go through the records. We have them vetted by a reproductive endocrinologist and we make sure that your surrogate didn't have complications in her previous pregnancy. So if something pops up, you know, that's part of of a pregnancy, they can be unpredictable. So it's important to to be supportive and then make sure that, you know, she sees her medical professional right away for intervention.
 
Frank 23:59 
But yeah, above all, just be supportive pregnancies are, they're unpredictable. But you know, going through through a surrogacy agency definitely helps game out everything and reduce risk. So that's very important.
 
Erika 24:13 
And anymore thoughts, Frank?
 
Frank 24:15 
No, I would just say, you know, we went through the first, second and third trimester. We kind of grazed through each stage of a pregnancy there are many more medical terms and things that you could research on your own or talk to your to your surrogate's OB or to your reproductive endocrinologist to to know all of those scientific things.
 
Frank 24:36 
What I would caution is doing too much research is just going to stress you out even more. What you might want to do, though, is maybe talk with talk with your reproductive endocrinologist before your surrogacy journey starts and ask them about, you know, what are the complications or risk factors for a surrogate because of the extra hormones she'll be on, if you like to understand even more in-depth from a medical perspective, or a scientific perspective, definitely have those discussions with the doctor so that if something does happen or she's a little moody or whatnot, you hope you understand all of that and hearing it from the doctor helps even more so.
 
Erika 25:14 
So basically, like be aware of the hurdles, but don't create the hurdles. So don't look don't look for things to be worried about. But be aware of the things that may go wrong.
 
Frank 25:23 
Yeah, definitely. I think Adam and I went through our surrogacy journeys and he's just very happy and optimistic and we knew that our surrogates were doing the right things and and we stayed engaged and we supported her. So those are my key takeaways. And lastly, just enjoy every stage of the pregnancy. It does go by really fast. I know you think to yourself, oh my goodness, nine months, but it, it flies by it.
 
Frank 25:51 
It really does. So enjoy every stage of the pregnancy. Enjoy your surrogate, build that relationship and make sure that your story, your journey your child's origin story is is one that is positive and built on a strong foundation of trust and respect with your surrogate. But that's all I have. This is a really fun podcast. Um, we need to do this again.
 
Frank 26:15 
We need to maybe interview a doctor on some of these.
 
Erika 26:17 
Yeah. That can get a little more detail.
 
Frank 26:20 
Get a more get a little more, you.
 
Erika 26:21 
Know, medical, real.
 
Frank 26:23 
Medical will get in there because.
 
Erika 26:24 
This is just experience based again. Yeah.
 
Frank 26:27 
Um, yes. Again, we did not provide any medical advice during this podcast, just personal anecdote based on just.
 
Erika 26:33 
Awareness.
 
Frank 26:34 
Surrogates that we've had in our program. Um, but thank you everyone for listening and if you follow us online on social, our Facebook is we're all, it's always @GoldenSurrogacy, except Instagram, which is
 
Erika 26:49 
@Golden_Surrogacy
 
Frank 26:51 
And until next time, this is Frank Golden reminding you that Everyone Deserves a Family.