Remaining Friends After the Journey

For Intended Parents and Surrogates, it is important to be open to developing a relationship with each other during your surrogacy journey. But what about once your journey is complete? Are you expected to remain friends? In this Surrogacy Talk, Frank answers a question submitted by Mary, a two-time Golden Surrogate. He opens up about his relationship with both of his Surrogates and how he navigated those relationships during and after his children were born.

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Welcome to Surrogacy Talk with me, your fabulous host and family building expert, Frank Golden. I'll be talking about surrogacy, IVF, and making babies. Hello and welcome to my Surrogacy Talk. I'm Frank Golden, the agency director and founder of Golden Surrogacy. And today, I am going to be tackling a question that was actually brought to us by a very important and special person to us. This is a two time Surrogate through our program. And her name is Mary. Hi, Mary, if you're out there, this is for you. But before we dive in, I would like to remind all of you to please, like and subscribe. You can find us on Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere that you stream podcasts. Okay. Let's dive in. Mary, you had asked, "is Frank and Adam, are they still friends or in contact with their previous Surrogates?" And this is a really great question. And it had it seemed like you were or you had been hearing a lot about previous journeys that maybe were transactional and maybe not as close knit, perhaps as your journey and you were curious. What I would like to say is, yes, we are still friends and in contact with our Surrogates. And I can go into more detail on that. But first, I would like to say a few things about that. For Intended Parents and Surrogates listening, it's important to understand that before you start your surrogacy journey, before you match, you really need to assess what type of expectation you have around the relationship you hope to build with your Intended Parent or Surrogate during the journey and then what that will look like post journey. So set that relationship expectation at the beginning and then verbalize what your hopes and expectations are during your matching conference call, or if it happens to be a video or a meeting perhaps, and then make sure that you're on the same page and you get the impression that your Intended Parent or your Surrogate is is really seeing eye to eye on those expectations. But the caveat there is understand that you need to be willing and ready to accept that maybe the relationship doesn't turn out the way that you hope because just because you set an expectation at the beginning of the journey doesn't mean it always turns out that way. So when I say that, I mean surrogacy journeys are unpredictable. You never know where the relationship takes you. It's always really helpful to help to have your relationship form in an organic way. So knowing that is very helpful. The third thing I will say is post journey, give each other some space. Let's say, for example, you have a fantastic journey everything turns out perfect. You have a really great cadence and rhythm around texting or calling each other. Maybe you're local to one another, and so you've done some coffee dates, dinner, your families get together. But after the journey, know that on the Intended Parents side, they have this newborn at home now, and their lives are a little more hectic. And the communication that perhaps in the Surrogate side you may be receiving sometimes tends to taper off and the same thing if you're an Intended Parent who is constantly accustomed to your Surrogate reaching out, know that she may be going through somewhat of a closure phase. And she's also resting and recovering. She just gave birth. And so communication from her end might also be altered. So be generous and forgiving with one another and give each other some space to reflect back on the journey. Okay. Before you dive right back in to, "How's it going?" You know, "send pictures" and so forth and so on. And overall, there should never be a sense of this is the right way to do it or this is the wrong way to do it. I really don't want Surrogates out there who might see this video or Intended Parents feel shamed into doing your surrogacy journey in a different way. What's important is that you set your expectations from the beginning and you have open an honest dialog with one another so that you can go through the journey on the same page. You never want to mislead one another, and then you complete your journey and it's just not what you expected. So that is really important. We oftentimes have Surrogates that might say at the beginning of their journey, "You know, I want a really great experience in communication with my Intended Parents. After the journey, we can let things taper a little bit. I don't need as many updates." And for those Surrogates, I would say that this would be part of your closure process. And then some Surrogates want more frequent communication they might want postcards or photos or perhaps maybe an annual get together meet and greet, and to see how the the child's development is progressing. And so all of these things are normal and natural. You really just need to have open and honest dialog to determine what is best for you in your circumstance. Here at Golden, we always recommend that the surrogacy journeys are not only transactional. We really do like to see an organic harmony and balance in a relationship that that blossoms and flourishes, but it doesn't need to be one where Intended Parents, you have the Surrogate coming over every weekend in the summer for family barbecues. It doesn't need to be that that close or that intense. But if that happens, and we do have parents and Surrogates here locally in Illinois, where I know for a fact that happens, you know who I'm talking about. Those things are great too, but don't feel pressured into doing one or the other. Again, set those expectations at the beginning of your journey and really take the time to think about what you want that relationship to look like and embark upon your journey with a counterpart that sees eye to eye. Now back to my journey. I am, Adam and I are still in close communication with both of the Surrogates that we embarked upon our surrogacy journeys with that helped us complete our family with Sophia and Silas. And our first Surrogate, she was in she was on the East Coast when we initially matched. And she's she's moved around a few times and she's fantastic. But unfortunately, she's never made her way to Illinois. And if she was here in Illinois, I just know for a fact that we would be like best friends hanging out. She's absolutely, absolutely hilarious. Great personality. We we love her. And then same thing with our second Surrogate she she's here somewhat locally, a little bit further in the state, but fantastic. We had her at our gender reveal where we're really closely connected with her. She's a fantastic person. And with both of our previous Surrogates, we're connected via social. So we're on our social accounts. I love to follow them. I'm somewhat of a person that likes to sit back in the background and see. I watch everyone's stories and reels and I get to see what everyone's doing with their families. And I don't actually post as much with with Sophia and Silas, but I like to see where their families are throughout the year and check in and the occasional, you know, the annual happy birthday messages and so on and so forth and, and cards, greeting cards and things like that. So I think the moral here, the moral of the story is that do what's right for you, do your surrogacy journey your way. But I would just like to emphasize emphasize that I would hope that everyone is treating each other with care and kindness and dignity and respect. Even if you don't want a super close relationship with your Surrogate or your Intended Parent that you're treating each other with respect, you have embarked upon that journey with clear expectations from the beginning. So the way that you're treating each other in the middle of the journey and towards the end is what those expectations were that you had said in the beginning. That's really important. And having really the best of intentions is when communicating with one another. And I think if you you follow that doctrine or those tips of advice that I have just outlined I think you'll have a really great experience, a really beautiful experience. Regardless of outcome, you will walk away from the experience knowing that you have built a connection with another person. And that's really what it's all about in life, right? Building a connection with another person. And I think it's a beautiful thing, and it's one of the things that makes the surrogacy process a beautiful way to build your family. So I hope that answers your question, Mary. Again, I think surrogacy journeys are fantastic. And transactional surrogacy journeys can be fine for some, but we always encourage that you have a really great close knit connection with with the people that that you're embarking on a family building endeavor with. And and we certainly did, Adam and I. So and that's the majority, by the way, of the surrogacy journeys that we manage here at Golden. We always recommend really great organic relationships. And, you know, nine times, 9.9 times out of ten, that's that's what we see here. So I would like to say that that would be the majority. And we absolutely have loved having you as a Surrogate with our agency. And I really value this question. And if there are other questions like this, send them in. If you have followers that have questions send them in. Once again, I am Frank Golden here at Golden Surrogacy. This has been my Surrogacy Talk. You can tweet me @GoldenSurrogacy or send DMS@Golden_Surrogacy. I encourage all of you to like, subscribe. We're on Spotify, we're on YouTube, anywhere that podcasts can be streamed. And once again, if you have questions, send them in. I'm here to answer them. Mary, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am Frank Golden reminding all of you that Everyone Deserves a Family.