MidTree Church
The sermon audio of MidTree Church in Harris County, Ga. BEHOLD // BELIEVE // BECOME
MidTree Church
The Foxes in Your Garden: How Small Problems Destroy Great Love | Pastor Will Hawk | June 1st, 2025
What happens when a "perfect" relationship hits its first major conflict? In this powerful examination of Song of Solomon chapter 5, we explore the moment when everything goes wrong between two people who deeply love each other.
The passage takes us right to the heart of relationship breakdown – he arrives home late, she's prepared for an intimate evening but chooses resentment over reconciliation, and what could have been resolved with a few steps to the door becomes a painful journey through the city streets seeking restoration. It's a story that feels uncomfortably familiar to anyone who has ever chosen pride over forgiveness.
Through this ancient text, we uncover six relationship problems that still plague us today: prioritizing work over presence, questioning if someone deserves our kindness, the painful irony of longing for space until we get it, pursuing reconnection when someone is unavailable, experiencing unexpected trauma, and watching private struggles become public pain. But more importantly, we discover God's four-step blueprint for healing broken relationships: Repent, Reconcile, Reconnect, and Renew.
What makes this message so powerful isn't just its practical wisdom for marriage and friendships, but how it reveals God's heart for reconciliation. When we understand that our own relationship with God follows this same pattern – where He pursues us despite our closed doors and cold hearts – we gain a new perspective on forgiveness. We're reminded that Christ didn't just tell us to fix our relationships; He showed us how by becoming "a friend of sinners" who reconciles us to Himself.
Whether you're navigating marriage difficulties, friendship tensions, or family conflicts, this message offers both practical tools for fighting fair and the spiritual foundation for lasting reconciliation. Because ultimately, the goal isn't winning arguments but experiencing the righteousness of God in our relationships.
If you want to learn more about the MidTree story or connect with us, go to our website HERE or text us at 812-MID-TREE.
All right, guys, if you want to go ahead and grab your Bibles, please do so. If you don't have a Bible, take one of the ones in the pew. That's our gift to you. You can keep it. My wife, Karen Anna, is going to read today what page are they going to be on in the pew Bible?
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, 562.
Speaker 1:You want to get on the worship thing? No, okay, as you guys flip there, let me give you a quick heads up. When we read this if you've been with us over the past few weeks as we've been working through the book Song of Solomon, just know I referenced this passage. So if you're like, wait a minute, this sounds a little bit familiar. We pointed to it a couple of weeks ago, but we're going to dig into what I think is one of the most fascinating texts in the entire book of Song of Solomon, karen All right.
Speaker 2:It's chapter five, verse two, on the Pew Bibles. It's page 562. I slept but my heart was awake. A sound my beloved is knocking open to me. My sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with drops of the night. I had put off my garment how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet. How could I soil them? My beloved put his hand to the latch and my heart was thrilled within me. I arose to open to my beloved and my hands dripped, with my fingers with liquid myrrh and on the handles of the bowl. I opened to my beloved but my beloved had turned and gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him but found him not. I called him but he gave no answer.
Speaker 1:Amen, thank you, I appreciate it. I love you. You sticking around or where are you going? Going home to clean for roots? Okay, good stuff, all right.
Speaker 1:So if you have not been with us, what you just read was the first time things go south in this cute, high chemistry, high compatibility, high character relationship. And let me just tell you something I did not prepare myself for. This is my bad, and I realized that. Tell you something I did not prepare myself for this is my bad, and I realized that halfway through the first service. I think this is funny. I think watching a couple get in a little tift in the middle of the night is funny.
Speaker 1:What I didn't think about is some of you may be walking in today where it is not so funny to think about a relationship going sideways. But let me give you sort of the map of what we're going to look at. We are going to look at a relationship at its absolute pinnacle. We're going to watch it fall into disrepair and then we are going to watch God restore broken relationships. And from this we're going to say God, restore broken relationships. And from this we're going to say well, god, can you restore my broken relationship with you Because I keep messing it up. Or if you're not a believer in the room and you're checking out the Bible and the claims of Christ, asking yourself for the first time hey, do I want to be restored and reconciled with God, do I want to have a good relationship with the God who created me? And so then we will end our service in communion, which is the way that God's people, for thousands of years, have drawn near to God and been reminded of the lengths that God went to to fix the brokenness of the relationship that we have created. So that's sort of going to be the path.
Speaker 1:Here's where I want us to start. I want us to start. Oh, y'all have me in the back there. Is it on me or is it on you? There, it is Okay. I want us to remember where we left out, left off. I've tried to give you guys a little bit of a cringe warning each time we've met. Last week, I gave y'all a four and a half out of five, and I have people come up to me and say, well, like it could have been like way more awkward. Okay, fair enough. I would still say today's is about a four, but it's going to start on the higher end. And it might be that I forgot to read this verse to you last week, which I think ramps up a little bit of awkwardness at church. So here is where we left the couple.
Speaker 1:He looks at this woman whom he loves and he tells her one of the things he loves most about her A garden locked is my sister, my bride of spring locked. A fountain sealed All of these things that he has been praising her for. They culminate in and you saved them just for me. If you've had a broken sexual past, just know we also covered. How is it that we can be restored if we haven't had the ideal situation?
Speaker 1:But then I want you to notice what she says to this guy who loves her. She says awake, oh north wind, and come, oh south wind. Blow upon my garden, let its spices flow, let my beloved come to his garden and eat its choicest fruits. In other words, you have held yourself for me, I have held myself for you. We're pursuing the Lord. We recognize that romantic, passionate love is something created by God. So here's what she's saying Romantic, passionate love is something created by God. So here's what she's saying Enjoy, enjoy. Enjoy my mind, my heart, my soul, my friendship, my body, my everything is yours to be enjoyed. And the guy says sounds like a plan, let's do that. And that's where we find ourselves in chapter 5, verse 1. I came to my garden, my sister, my bride, I gathered, I ate, I drank, I enjoyed all that romantic love had to offer. And then it does get a little bizarre. Why is it after? And look, this would be the climax and I use that word intentionally of Song of Solomon, all right, why is it all of a sudden other people are there. Can we all say that's a little bit weird, like, should people really be weighing in on this? This is fascinating.
Speaker 1:In the Old Testament, the way a wedding worked is so different than ours. I will meet with, I was going to say, brides and grooms, but the grooms don't really care, like they don't care if the service is 30 minutes, they don't care if it's three minutes, they're just like I'm trying not to pass out, I'm trying to make it to the reception and really I'm just trying to make it beyond that, and so that's typically where the groom is, but the bride has expectations. The bride is like I would like for it to look like this the flowers are going to and my veil with all of these little things, and then they will say this is the stuff we'd like in the service. And I always ask how long do you think this is going to be? And it is like, as time has gone by, weddings are getting shorter and shorter and shorter. I don't know if y'all are picking up on this, if you've gone to weddings, but it gets shorter and shorter and shorter. And here are all of these expectations.
Speaker 1:Back then, weddings were longer and longer and longer and longer. It was. You remember Jesus's first miracle. It's a wedding and what's happened? They've ran out of wine, which means the party was going quite a while, especially if you're gonna store your wine in a stone cask. I mean, we're not talking about little bottles here, we're talking about this party's been going for a minute. What's happening here is just prepare yourself for this. She walks down the aisle. I do, I do Kiss. Walk down the aisle. Insert what started happening five years ago A dip and a kiss that the photographer's ready for.
Speaker 1:I don't know if y'all know this. It's like the thing that happens now, all the time in weddings that happens, and then they go. They have a party and then they go to the honeymoon and nobody hears from them because they've gone to Jamaica or they've gone to the mountains, or they went to the beach and that's it, and it's not the way it works in the Old Testament. Their honeymoon was at the house that he prepared for her, which is where the wedding just happened, which means they have the marriage, they go on honeymoon, they wake up the next morning and the party continues, which means after the honeymoon and after the honeymoon night. Other people are like this is great, we're so happy that you guys had an awesome night together, let's have another party and we're gonna do it again. And then we're gonna do it again. A little bit more awkward than our sensibilities, but they had a better theology of celebration and I think we ought to as well.
Speaker 1:What I want you to definitely notice is the climax of this Song of Songs, 5-1. If you are a nerd in the room, this is your moment. You want to see something really fascinating. If you count up all of the words of Song of Solomon, or if you count up all of the verses of Song of Solomon, do you want to guess where chapter 5-1 sits? Anybody want to guess? Yeah right, smack dab in the middle. All right, right, smack dab in the middle, which means and, by the way, if you really want to impress people, this is called a chiasm, or this is chiastic, and what that means is it lives in the middle of the book, as the pinnacle of the book. This is what the whole thing is pointing to this moment. But what is really really cool is actually what happens next.
Speaker 1:If you follow the story, we come up in the motion like this, and the first third it's all about like longing and longing being fulfilled. Then we move from longing into like wedding world, then climax. Do you want to guess what happens right after that? Anybody want to guess what happens after that? This happens after it. You want to know why? Because you're all sinners. That's why, because you're all sinners. That's why? Because we're all sinners? Because as soon as we get something great, we forget ourselves, we lose ourselves. We all of a sudden forget the good God who gave us the good thing, or we make the good thing about us and we lose the whole point. And what you are about to watch is when love goes wrong, and guess what it always does. One about to watch is when love goes wrong and guess what it always does.
Speaker 1:One little note I've tried really hard to sort of have a 50-50 married to single perspective as we've worked through the book. It hasn't been hard to do because I think the Bible presents this book for both married and singles. Singles I'm just giving you a heads up. You're gonna have to lean in a little harder for the first half. You're not gonna have to lean in a little harder for the first half. You're not going to have any trouble in the second half.
Speaker 1:Okay, because eventually this talks about all of our relationships, married people. This is me loving you. Do not nudge your spouse. I'm going to tell you why right now. It's not because you're wrong, okay. It's not because it's weird, or it's because the chick in the story nudges her husband and it blows up in her face. I'm trying to protect you, okay.
Speaker 1:The one who nudges early feels like a fool by the end. I'm just loving you and telling you elbows in this is what I tell my girls. Every soccer game elbows in. You can lean as much as you want. Elbows in this is what I tell my girls. Every soccer game Elbows in. You can lean as much as you want Elbows in.
Speaker 1:So here we go. All of a sudden it comes down and, by God's grace, what you will see is it comes back up. And if you look at this blue line and all you do is look at the blue line this is the definition of sanctification. We draw near to the Lord, we draw nearer to the Lord, things are great and we sin and, by God's grace, he restores us. And we draw near again and again and again. So welcome to a story about sanctification. And here is what you're going to find, elbazin.
Speaker 1:Here are six problems that are going to arise in this relationship. Really quick, when we choose to work late husbands I'm pointing at you on this, but it isn't gender specific when we choose to work late, to be out or to be distracted rather than being present. Problem number two when invasive inner thoughts whisper do they even deserve my kindness? And sometimes we let those thoughts slip out. Problem three when you long for space until you get it and it hurts more than you expected it to. Problem four when you pursue intimacy and they don't respond or simply aren't available. When unusual pain, trauma and resentment show up in your relationship. When unusual pain, trauma and resentment show up in your relationship. And finally, when your private struggles become public pain, broadcast for others to see.
Speaker 1:If you don't get anything out of this text, it's not on me when people say, man, I just wish the Bible would talk about real life stuff. I just wish it would lean in. Guys like I could screw this up. God's word and God's spirit. This is for all of us today and Tuesday and Thursday. So cowboy up as we start talking about.
Speaker 1:What about when relationships go wrong? Keep in mind, for all of these with maybe the exception of number four it does not require a spouse. This could be a relationship with your mom. It could be a relationship with your dad, your neighbor who always leaves their garbage cans out, or whatever else it is. This is just doing somebody that you served with and kids once, and it didn't go well. This relates to all of us and here is what we find.
Speaker 1:Song of Solomon 5. I slept, but my heart was awake. A sound my beloved is knocking Open to me. My sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of night. We don't know it up to this point in the text, but this woman was ready for her man to be home. And when I say ready for her man to be home, it was not to discipline the kids, it was not because dinner was ready. It's because she was ready for her man to be home. And we know this because of what happens next in verse three.
Speaker 1:Here is what has been going on in her mind and in her night that her husband has missed out on. I have put off my garment. How could I put it on? So she's in bed either in a nightie or less. I have bathed my feet. How could I soil them? She has gotten clean. She has gotten prepared. She has expectations over the night. But those expectations are about to be unmet because old boy shows up late.
Speaker 1:How late does the old boy show up? He shows up pretty late If your hair is wet, because the dew has already wet the grass. You did not just play an extra game of Call of Duty at your buddy's house. All right If you are walking in with the smell of the night on you. You didn't just go and watch the game. It cascaded into something else.
Speaker 1:This guy has shown up late and he knows it. We know he knows it because he's knocking on a door, which brings a question to mind why does he not have a key to his own house? Is this where the argument began in the first place? You always lose your keys and we are late to church because you can never keep up. I can relate to this. Somehow he shows up at home, he shows up at home and it's really late. She had expectations. Big question mark. Did she share those expectations? Did she not communicate them? We don't know. All we know is he shows up very late or is very distracted rather than being present.
Speaker 1:Now he's going to try to fix this situation. He's going to lean in and he's going to try to make it better, but it's going to be hard to do. All right, ladies, in just a moment, if you're, you know whether you're married or not you can play along. Married women, I want you to play along. Okay, I'm going to ask you to put your hands up. I'm doing a lot of work up here. This can't be the hardest thing in the world, all right. So I want you to lean in. I'm giving you a heads up. Here is his attempt to fix the night that is in the process of going wrong.
Speaker 1:Open to me my sister, my closest friend, the one whom I love, my love, my darling, the place where my affection and all of my anticipation goes. You are the one that I cling to my dove with your dovey little eyes, which is a compliment that he gives her all the time. This is probably a pet name. This is him saying oh schmookums. Oh, sweetheart, babe, can you open the door? This is probably what's happening here. I don't know if you have a sweet little pet name for your love, I have one for my wife and I will tell it to you. And none of you are allowed to use it, because that's my point in this passage. This is probably him connecting.
Speaker 1:My wife's name is Karen Ann. It's a double name because she's from the South. She got the name Karen long before it became socially a meme to be called a Karen. She didn't like being called Karen before that happened, but now she really doesn't like being called by her first name. So if people struggle because it's complicated to remember two names, half of us can't remember one name when we walk into church. She's made it easier and she said just call me K-A. Well, I started calling her K-A. When we started dating I also called her baby. Those were my two names for her, so I call her K-B and I've called her K-B since we were like 17 years old.
Speaker 1:If I had showed up and the bedroom door was locked, I'd be like KB, come on, open the door. You know I can get through this thing anyway. I mean, what is this Like? This is probably what's happening. But then he says this this one's my favorite, my perfect one. I may be leaning in a little far here, but how often, when you are sideways with somebody, do you call them perfect? You probably don't, unless you're willing to own the garbage yourself.
Speaker 1:I think these three little words are him repenting. I think this is him saying my bad, I stayed out too late and I didn't let you know. Now, what's fascinating is we still don't even know what he was doing. For all we know, he was out playing video games or hanging out with the boys, drinking, throwing cornhole, doing whatever it was. It could be that he stayed late because he was trying to make money for a trip that they were wanting to go on, or maybe he stayed out trying to prepare something in their new home that she would like. The point is we do not know. All we know is it has gone very south and he looks at her and he says, oh, my perfect one, it's on me All right now.
Speaker 1:Ladies, here's where I need your help. You don't have to do this because I know we're in the south and everybody wants to be cautious. Ladies that just need to put your hand, like right up here by your chin, come on, hands up. Hands up, I know if you're a lady, I'm looking at you. Hands up for just a minute and hold them there. Just hands up for a minute and hold them there. I will make this as awkward as you choose to, all right, here's my question.
Speaker 1:If you were married, or if your husband came to you when things went South and he said my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, would that fix the problem? If it would fix it, just put your hand down. Okay, all hands down, yup, yup. Those hands stayed pretty stiff. Now some of you may have been like you know what? If he told me I had dovey little eyes, he'd be mine.
Speaker 1:Most of us look at that and it's like no, I don't know what all you thought you were going to pull off with your four little, sweet little sayings. But this door isn't opening. That's how most of us would respond to this. That's how most of us would look. But here's my question Should these words end the fight? No, says 90% of the women in the room. But should it? Says 90% of the women in the room. But should it? Should it?
Speaker 1:This hubby is working hard to redeem the evening. Unfortunately, they're headed for a bad night and a disappointing night in their bedroom. Should it have ended Now? Remember she asked him for help with this. This is from a few weeks ago. She looks at their tender little love. This is before they're married.
Speaker 1:If you remember, she had to tend her relationship and her work, her home and her job. She was in an unusual Cinderella type situation and when this guy comes into her life, she looks at him and she says will you protect this thing? Will you catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyard, for our vineyard is in blossom. Will you chase away the things that would ruin this great love that God has given us? I'm not able to do it. This is too big of a job. Man, will you do against these little foxes what you didn't do with the snake, and keep in mind they're small. It just comes in for a minute. It doesn't have to be something big, it could just be showing home late from work. Are you going to protect this? Are you going to fix this? Because these little foxes, these garden wreckers of love, they are not obvious, but they can't always be ignored. And I want to give this to you again it's been a month since I gave this to you. If you want to pull your phones out, feel it's been a month since I gave this to you. If you want to pull your phones out, feel free. I've got another QR code that I'm going to give you in a minute. What are 25 ways that you can chase off the things that will come into your relationship and ruin it? This is a little list out of a gospel-centered commentary on the Song of Songs. If you hadn't had time to get it, I'll put it up in just a minute.
Speaker 1:But now we move to our second problem. What happens when those inner thoughts whisper? Does this person deserve my kindness? And maybe they slip out? He shows up late, all of this goes down and these are the thoughts that she begins to have. I've already cleaned myself up, I've already gotten myself prepared for the night, but I am not getting up to let you in this house. I'm clean and I'm cuddly and I'm warm. She may have said out loud to twist the knife, but you're not getting into this warm house, you're not getting into this warm bed and you're not getting anywhere near this warm body. That is what she portrays.
Speaker 1:Now we don't know if she says this out loud or if she just thinks it, but we know she at least thinks it because of something that comes in the verses ahead. So what we do know is the demeanor of her heart. In whatever way he sinned against her, it was too big of a deal for them to reconcile. I'm not leaning into this. I'm not gonna walk the 10 steps from my bed to that door to make this right, because, bubba, you have jacked up one too many times. You were out one hour too long. I had plans for us and you have hurt me and my feelings, and she thinks she has him where she wants him. You know what? I'm gonna teach him a lesson. This time I might even let him know. How could I walk across this dirty floor with my clean little feet and this nightie that I'm wearing? How could I possibly do that? That could very well be what's in the text.
Speaker 1:But as she begins thinking this or saying this, her revenge is a little too clever and it's gonna misfire. And this is why I told you elbows in, because we find ourselves in the third situation, when you long for space until you get it and it hurts more than you expected. My beloved put his hand to the latch and my heart was thrilled within me. Some people think this is a double entend. Latch and my heart was thrilled within me. Some people think this is a double entendre and it's pointing towards something physical.
Speaker 1:I think the metaphor falls apart very quickly. I think the guy's literally at the door saying baby, are you going to open the door or not? I've given you all the compliments I can come up with in the 30 seconds that I've been standing at the door. Are they not enough for you to open? Can't we fix this thing? Neither of us like having a relationship that's sideways. Can't we lean in and fix this? And the guy finally, is like I'm going to pick this darn lot, I'm going to get in. My beloved put his hand to the latch and notice she doesn't say it out loud, but her heart is thrilled within her. She isn't going to walk across the door, but maybe he'll be able to get it open, maybe he will come in. She is telling him through her actions or her words stay away from me, while on the inside of her heart she is longing for their relationship to be restored. That's real stuff, people. That is relationship 101 type stuff.
Speaker 1:And then verse 5. Finally she gets up. She's proven the point, he's got it, he's learned his lesson. I arose to open to my beloved. My hands drift with my fingers. She probably puts on the perfume that was sitting next to her bed so that she can open the door and present herself to her husband and say let's fix this. It's not fun when we're sideways. I opened to my beloved but my beloved had turned and gone. She overplayed her hand, she waited just one second too long and old boy said I am tired, it is late, I'll go sleep on Kyle's couch down the street. And he's gone.
Speaker 1:And notice what happens all of a sudden. And notice what happens all of a sudden. She opens it, tells us she sought him, she calls out to him. But what I really want you to notice is this when he said my dove, my love, my sister, my perfect one, the Bible wants you and I to know. It did affect her heart. She didn't say anything about it, she didn't let him know, but her heart had been moved. She realizes in that moment that she doesn't really want to be apart from him. He had pursued her and she knows she doesn't even have the whole story. She chose to let separation grow when she could have taken 10 steps to the door.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing and I'm sorry if this feels gender specific I think men and women both do this but she never communicated what she was thinking or doing. Uncommunicated expectations are one of the quickest ways to end up sideways in our relationships, because she assumes he knows what I'm thinking, he knows what I mean, he knows I'm just playing along until she opens the door and homeboy had no clue. She was coming anytime soon and now he's gone and she feels the remorse of not showing grace. She feels the remorse of not communicating. Her soul failed inside of her when she heard his voice and she may not have let him know that she had forgiven him or longed to forgive him, but she does miss him, she does want to be there. And I would just press pause and I would say if you feel like the Bible doesn't speak into the reality of relationships. You're missing it. The Bible knows when we pursue intimacy. You feel like the Bible doesn't speak into the reality of relationships. You're missing it. The Bible knows when we pursue intimacy and they don't respond or they simply are not available. Now, all of a sudden, the one problem has multiplied. Now she is going to have to join him in forgiving and being forgiven. She is going to have to repent.
Speaker 1:How much easier would it have been to just let every person be quick to hear and slow to speak. Slow to anger, why? Because the anger of man does not produce what we hope it will. When we get angry, when we do one of whatever things, when you fight or you flight or whatever it is, when you shut down, when you wall up or when you lean in and you say harsh things, it never produces what you want. Do you know what you want in your relationship? You want the righteousness of God to explode in it. You want to swim in the goodness of God in these relationships.
Speaker 1:I'll tell you where it comes from being quick to hear, using these twice as much as we use this, being slow to speak, seeing our anger coming and saying hang on, sweetie, I need to take a step back. I'm getting hot, I'm moving quick, my pace is picking up in my words, which means I'm just trying to win an argument here, and I know that the anger of man is not going to produce what I want. And now, all of a sudden, these consequences multiply. Foxes are running through the garden of their relationship and things are a wreck. Just live in that for a minute. But do you know what's so cool about that? Do you realize?
Speaker 1:In God's word, he could have just written a little verse in Proverbs. All he had to do to teach us this was Proverbs 13, 11. This isn't real, by the way. I'm giving what could be a proverb. Only a fool allows brokenness to remain for the night, but the wise and the righteous pursue reconciliation immediately. Proverbs doesn't exist, but you could get the point from this. Why? Because God doesn't just want to give you here's what's true, here's what's wise. Put it in place, put this algorithm in your soul and kind of live the whole thing out.
Speaker 1:God's saying hey, you want a cautionary tale? You want to know that I know that relationships are a mess. You want to know that I know how to fix them Both my relationship with you, your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with your kids, with your in-laws, with your neighbor, with that, whatever person that is difficult in your life. This is the Bible saying I get it, I lean into it. I'm not just going to say do this, don't do that. I'm going to provide you this cautionary tale so that you know that I know what I am talking about, because the issue is not are we going to fight? The issue is how are we going to fight? Now, I realize you guys can't read this and it's too small. I'll give you the QR code in just a moment as we walk through it. But here are 10 tips on fighting fair. And now singles lean in even more, because you don't have to be married to put these things in place. And, by the way, if they had done one or two of these things, the whole night would have gone differently.
Speaker 1:What is it that God calls us to do? Well, the first thing is to confront a problem as soon as possible. Don't wait. When you see the problem walk toward the mess. Secondly, master the art of listening. I've already hit that one. Third, limit the discussion If we're arguing over the calendar right now and when we plan to vacation. Why, all of a sudden, are we talking about the way your mother-in-law makes coleslaw? Where did that come from? And if you think I'm crazy, join me Monday through Thursday in my office, but trust me, when I sit down with couples, we will be talking about this thing for about 18 seconds and then next thing you know it's it's just grabbing all of the garbage and all of the mess. If you want to fight in a way that is fair and get something, limit the discussion. Hey, we can talk about that anytime you want. Maybe I do lose my keys all the time. We can talk about it. But do we really want to stack these issues? Why don't we talk about me losing my keys? Well, like things are going well and the kid's doing a cannonball into the pool and you lean over and you say, hey, it drives me crazy, you lose your keys. Can we put an Apple tag on that thing? Yeah, sure, baby, whatever that sounds good Like, that's when we go after it, when things are good, not stacking on top.
Speaker 1:Use, I feel, statements. Guys, if you are 40 or older, just join me in this moment. We were told that guys who feel are not manly losers. Having an emotional IQ means that you just hand it in your man card. Okay, I get it. If you're young in this room and you're like that is a horrible thing, just know that's all we were told. Playing Little League All right, you strike out, don't you cry, man. You just walk back to the dugout and we're going to go practice at home. That's how a lot of us grew up, and so when I say use, I feel statements.
Speaker 1:It's one of the most comical things in relationships. How are you feeling? And the guy's like I don't know, I don't want to be here. Well, that's not a feeling. Believe it or not, that's a reality, but it's not a feeling. So I went and I got this little pillow and it has all of the little feelings in a little wheel and it is the most used pillow in my entire office, right, whether it's for naps or not, me naps or otherwise. And look, your wife already has 20 pillows on the bed anyway. Like, I think you can pull off one, right, like you can have. I'm watching women who are like it's not happening, it's not Use statements about how you feel. I'll tell you why.
Speaker 1:They can't argue with it If you say I did say this, they can argue with that. But if you say I'm sad, guess what? They can't argue it. No, you're not. Actually I am sad. No, it's true, I got that one right. I am angry, right? I can help you with that.
Speaker 1:Avoid exaggerations. Things are rarely always anything or never anything. Don't assassinate their character, name calling and telling somebody that they are, are, are this, that or the other? Use appropriate words and actions. Not every argument is a 10. Not every disagreement should blow the top of the thermometer and don't be concerned about winning or losing. If you are, you've already lost. The two have become one flesh.
Speaker 1:The goal is not for you to win the fight. The goal is for you to navigate the fight in a way that glorifies God. Pick limits, sweetie. I can do this for about 15 minutes before I completely lose it. That's my limit 10-4, at the end of 15 minutes. If we're not in a good place, go for a walk and we'll come back, and we'll get right back to it.
Speaker 1:If we need to Choose to forgive and that's the last one, because I think it is also the biggest one, by the way if you want this, I'll just throw that up there, and if you don't have time to grab it, I'll give it to you at the end. Do you realize? If they had done one, two or a few of these things, their whole night is different. But because both of them chose not to, seemingly or at least they didn't choose to at the same time things have fallen apart. So is there any hope? Is there anything that we can do? You bet there is Ephesians 4.
Speaker 1:This is the expectation of Christians. And if you're not a believer, if you're just checking out the claims of Christ, this is what the Spirit of God wants to produce in you. And if it feels foreign, praise God. Come and find new life in Christ. We had somebody last service as a result of brokenness in relationship. Come and receive Christ for the first time and become a believer. Why? Because what this real situation put on display was that their real situation needed a big-sized Savior, not just a couple of little tweaks. We need to let all bitterness and wrath, all anger, all clamor, all slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Speaker 1:I know that I've already given you two things to kind of jot down. If you're a note taker, I would write this verse down and I will show you why. If you have ever tried to repent and wondered if you did it correctly, this verse will help you. If somebody has ever asked you for forgiveness and you haven't been sure what to do to forgive them, well, this verse will help you, and I will show you what I mean by that.
Speaker 1:The first thing is we must repent, and when this passage says, put away from you this is the concept of repentance. It's not my bad, sorry, that was less than ideal. It is me taking this word, this action, this thought, this paradigm, and saying this thing that I am, was or did. I am putting it away from me, I'm turning my back on it. As far as the East is from the West, so far does God put our sins away from us? The cross is God saying I'm taking all of your sin and all of your brokenness, not holding any of it back, and I am putting it away from you so that when I see you, I don't see your sin, I don't see your brokenness. I see the sacrifice of my son, who loved you enough to put it away from you when you were never able to put it down on your own.
Speaker 1:The first thing you must do is repent. What do I mean? Ask for forgiveness, literally, use words and if you need to have a different word than sorry, talk about it. Don't just assume that sorry covers it. I try to literally use the word repent. Baby, I am repenting to you right now. I screwed up and I don't want to do that anymore. Say that anymore, live like that anymore. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm repenting to you.
Speaker 1:The second thing that we see is reconcile, actually forgive them. It means no longer hold it against them. We see this when the verse calls us to forgive one another. It means that thing you did I'm no longer holding you accountable for, which is also a really good benefit in not keeping stacking arguments from things in the past that you said you forgave someone for. Forgive people the way you want to be forgiven. You never want to screw up, ask God for forgiveness and then wait two weeks for him to say, well, don't forget, you did that. No, he sees the work of Christ, not your brokenness. Reconcile with them, actually forgive and then reconnect, live like they are forgiven. Forgive and then reconnect, live like they are forgiven, be kind to them. I'm giving you all R's, by the way, to try to make this as easy as possible. Reconnect with them and, when that is done, renew your covenant. Now, that can have terms of intimacy, it can have terms of tears. It could be walking down the neighborhood holding hands, but come up with a way to say I am renewing this promise that we have made.
Speaker 1:I've seen couples renew their vows on the end of a very difficult season and right now, guys are walking out of the room to go get communion ready. Why? Because God looks at us and he says hey, you need to renew your commitment with me regularly. You need to be reminded of this work that I have done. Why does this happen? Why is this?
Speaker 1:And, by the way, this is the regular rhythm of love between any two believers, married or not Repent, reconcile, reconnect, renew, wash, rinse, repeat. This is not just marriage advice. This is the regular rhythm of being a Christian. It's not easy days, it's not fun stuff. It's knowing. I live in a broken world, with a broken body and broken desires, where I'm going to take two steps toward you and then I'm going to take one away, but by God's grace, I'm going to take two more toward you again before I take one away. And why does this happen? Because they are both selfish. That's why it happens. That's why this whole thing has played out.
Speaker 1:He stays out too late, works too long, gets distracted too easily. Whatever it is, she's waiting for him and he doesn't show up and her feelings get hurt. And when her feelings get hurt, she decides to turn the knife rather than turning toward him and she finds more emptiness than she ever wanted. And now it takes twice the effort to fix the thing. And I'll prove it to you literally, numerically. She had put off her garment and she had bathed her feet.
Speaker 1:She did two things to try to make the relationship good. And when it went south, watch how many things she has to do to try to make it good again. She has to get up, she has to go open the door, she has to walk outside and she has to start screaming Twice as much effort as before. Did you pick up on this A moment ago? She wouldn't walk across the room. And do you know what we're reading here? Homegirl's about to go for a walk down Broadway looking for the guy. Did he go to Kyle's house? Did he go to Andrew's house. Where did this guy go off to? I got to find him. I can't believe that I was so cold-hearted when he was trying to reconcile.
Speaker 1:I don't even know why he showed up as late as he did. Maybe he's got a good reason and now it's going to take so much more work. It's not simple to fix anymore and, sadly, it's not even private in nature. She walks into the city, time out, pause. This is where I wonder if this is a dream or if this is something that she's recollecting, because what happens next seems so bizarre. She walks out into the city and here's what happens to her she gets beat, bruised and they rip off her veil. Okay, it sounds like a nightmare to me, but regardless, whatever is happening here, the people who are supposed to protect her aren't. Now, why would that happen? It could be that she didn't put on appropriate clothing and walked into the city and started yelling Kyle, where are you, where are you going? Hey man, where are you? And all of a sudden, she starts to look like a woman.
Speaker 1:That Proverbs tells the whole society to look out for Somebody who's dressed inappropriately, someone who's loud and wayward, who doesn't stay at home, who's in the street and in the market. They may be looking at her and saying this is a woman who's not trying to fix a relationship, this is a woman who is looking to ruin other people's relationship and all of a sudden, difficulty and trauma and brokenness slide in. But you will not see her blame him at this point. Her heart has turned. She has seen that this issue was on her too, and she may have been slow to repent, but when she does, she does so wholeheartedly. And this brings us to the last little bit, when your private struggles become public pain, because all of a sudden she looks at her friends and she says will you help me find him? Will you tell him that I'm sick with love? And they look at her and they say what is your guy more than everybody else, what is your guy that makes him so very special and as horrible as it sounds, all of this pain and all of this garbage being brought into the public? They didn't have Instagram, they didn't have Facebook, they didn't have anything like that, but somehow the thing that happened at their front door is now in the whole community and everybody knows. And she's not trying to protect herself. She's ready now to own it. He's not trying to protect himself. He is ready to own it because she longs for him and she longs for what they used to be and now she believes they can be that way again.
Speaker 1:You see, this isn't an exhaustive list. This is just what we see happen across about seven hours. But while this isn't exhaustive, I think it is supposed to be exhausting. I think it's supposed to cause us to be like why are relationships so hard? If you love Jesus and I love Jesus, why is it so hard all of the time? And this brings us to the biggest question Can this kind of stuff be fixed? And I said it on the onset and I will tell you now absolutely it can.
Speaker 1:Karen Ann and I, on Wednesday night, in case you don't know, we've been doing this breakout because we've been doing Song of Solomon and on Wednesday nights we did one last week and we'll do two more Everybody's kind of coming together for a minute and then married folks are staying in the room and we're having discussion and Q&A and y'all can ask us anything that we want. We talked about intimacy and you guys did not hold back. It was awesome. I think some people may never have returned to the church simply because they're like are they really going to talk about this? We're like who else do you want to talk about it? I want to hear what God's Word has to say about anything that you have in mind.
Speaker 1:But when we look at this sort of exhausting thing, here's what I found out on Wednesday night that I never knew. My wife is sitting next to me and we're talking about when relationships go wrong. It's a pretty vulnerable position to be on in front of peers, and here's what she said. She said sometimes I don't want anything to do with him. I was surprised too, you know. With him. I was surprised too, you know. But I have this note full of reasons. He's an honorable guy who I can't stop loving. I didn't know that I have yet to be able to find this mythical note, although it has increased my cleaning of the bedroom and the bathroom because I think it's got to be there. If it's on her phone, I am hopeless. Far too many notes to go through.
Speaker 1:But this young lady was wise enough to do the same. She looks at this man and in the verses ahead, when she finally reconnects with him with unashamed, non-blushing reality, she says I may have screwed it up and he may have screwed it up, but do you want to know why I love this guy? I love him because his head is the finest gold. He has eyes like doves. Their kids are going to have crazy dovey eyes. His cheeks are like a bed of spices. I love the dude's arm. His body is polished.
Speaker 1:Ivory Doesn't miss leg day is what I'm hearing in this passage. His legs are alabaster columns. His appearance drives me crazy. I love that. But do you want to know the best part? She goes through this list of what she loves about him, but the best part is actually what she ends with with this is my beloved, this is my friend. And at the end of the day, I will tell you what she missed most that night. It wasn't her expectations or his. She longed for her best friend again. She longed for the one who knew everything about her, and she knew everything about All of the brokenness bundled up. She longed for her friend.
Speaker 1:And when the Pharisees and the religious people looked at Jesus, do you know what they called him? A friend of sinners. My husband was a friend to me when I was a sinner. My wife was a friend to me when I was a sinner. And do you know what they were putting on display? That Christ is a friend to all of us who sin. He is a friend to those of us who, when we look at that list of six things. We're like fail, fail, fail, fail, fail.
Speaker 1:And he says I'm a friend to people like this. You don't need to be impressive, you don't need to clean yourselves up. What you need to know is I want to draw near to you. Will you draw near to me? I broke my body. We will look at it. I shed my blood so that you could come near. And here is what Christ calls us to.
Speaker 1:From now on, no more of those relationship gains. We regard no one according to the flesh, even though we used to regard Christ that way. I don't see my relationships that way and I don't see Christ in a worldly way. He's done something new in my heart. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, and this is what's available to all of us today, no matter how many jacked up stories you have of broken relationship past.
Speaker 1:Do you want to be made new? Do you want the old to pass away? Do you want the new to come? Because all of this is from God, and here's our word. He reconciled us to himself and then he doesn't stop. He says I've made you close with me to give you a ministry of reconciliation. You have a new ministry, and it's not kids ministry and it's not donuts, it's not being an elder, it's not serving in youth ministry. Do you know what your new job is? Christian Reconciling, reconciling yourself with people. You're sideways with Reconciling people to God, recognizing that he has opened the door, that for our sake he made Jesus to be sin, who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. This is the good news of Jesus Christ. This is the gospel.
Speaker 1:So, as the guys, if y'all want to go ahead and get in place, if you're not a believer, just know you need to get this reconciled first. It might simply look like God. I need to ask for the forgiveness of my sins. I need to be made new. I'm not good enough the way I am. If there is something wrong with the relationship in the room, please make that right before you come here. I know this is a sacred space, but it's not a stuffy one. If you want to walk outside and pray, if you want to come down front and talk, ask questions, we're open. But if you need to tell somebody hey, I need to forgive you, I need to repent, we need to reconnect. Don't just make it a Sunday. Make the most of it when you have a God who wants to give you a ministry of reconciliation. So, whatever that looks like staying seated, standing, singing, talking let's go after the Lord together as we move towards the table that he's prepared for us.