The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane

Online Community Platforms: The Good, The Bad, and Staying Safe | Ep. 123

• Fiona Kane • Season 1 • Episode 123

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Online community platforms can connect you with like-minded people, support groups, and new friends – but they also come with risks.

In this episode, we explore the good, the bad, and how to stay safe when joining online communities.

Learn how to find supportive groups that lift you up, recognise red flags to avoid, and protect your mental health while building meaningful online connections.

Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

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Credit for the music used in this podcast:

The Beat of Nature

Music by Olexy from Pixabay



Fiona Kane:

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast. I'm your host, Fiona Kane. Today I'm going to be talking to you about online groups. So it's like interest groups or friendship groups, that sort of thing online, because I see that there's value in them, but I also think that there's challenges and problems with them as well. So I just want to talk a little bit about that and, yeah, like I said, some of the things I think that are good about them, but some of the things that I think are problematic about them.

Fiona Kane:

So, of course, one of the good things about online groups is that you can find, potentially, your tribe, so the people that understand you, the people that you can relate to and I really relate to this from a point of view of being a big fan of music and certain films and books and things like that. So I am a part of online communities for bands that I really like and musicians. I really like, the Outlander series, although I've had to leave some of those because some of them are a bit over the top. But anyway, just different groups that I've joined online Facebook groups and different types of groups where it's an online group where, yes, you can celebrate the thing that you all love or talk about your favorite passages from a book or your favorite music and the lyrics and all of those things. So I've benefited from the fact that we have you can have those online groups now and you can find people with something in common. There are also health groups that can be good and bad, so they can be good in that might be relating to someone else who has. You know, like I know, that people who have stoma fitted some of them, you know do online. You know Zoom meetings and online groups and you know, and it's information. It's like is it safe to wear my, you know, to do this with my stoma or do I, can I use a belt for my stoma? All the different strategies that someone with that issue has, and so so it can be really again, it can be really useful, it can be really great. I'll go into some of why it cannot be as well. So online friendship groups and interest groups and things like that can be amazing and certainly can be a great way to sort of share that kind of passion you have for something.

Fiona Kane:

Now, obviously, one of the negative sides is you don't know for sure that the people on the other end are legit, are real. You don't know if you're dealing with a scammer somewhere or because, even though they might show a photo or whatever, it's not hard to scan the internet and just grab photos of whoever you like. So, of course, there's a lot of, uh, people in Nigeria who happen to look like, um, us service personnel they're kind of majors and generals and things like that, you know. So it's not hard to just to find a photo online of whoever you could, even these days, make an AI one, and that's actually what Andrew Doyle, who is a writer and I think he might be classed as a comedian, whatever. Anyway, he had a character called Titania McGrath and he is a sort of a woke character that he had on what when it used to be Twitter, and the photograph of Titania was actually apparently like an AI kind of image that used his face but then turned it into a woman, so anyway. So yeah, obviously you can do things like that. So, first of all, you don't always know who you're dealing with and that's what you know.

Fiona Kane:

When I first started doing this, I was in a like I still am in a group of people who are fans of Kate Miller Heike, she's a great Australian singer. If you don't know her, check her out. But when I first I was in a, it was a forum. It was even before Facebook I'm that old. It was a forum. It was even before Facebook I'm that old and it was a forum that we were on where we chatted to each other and I wanted to go to some gigs with these people, and some that were maybe outside of Sydney. My husband's not as into some of the music. I'm into that kind of thing.

Fiona Kane:

But what I did is I actually arranged to meet some of the people in person and I arranged to meet them when I was with other people so that if I met them and they were pretty dodgy, that I could get away, right. So I arranged basically to meet some of these online people in person and in a safe way where I was with other people and I was in public places, all of that. And I did that enough till I got to a point where I knew the community. I knew who the people were, I knew that I could could trust them, and then I felt safe. They're going to shows with them or traveling with them or that sort of thing, right. So I just used common sense and said well, okay, I don't know, these people sound like they're nice and they sound like they're good people and they might tell me that they're. You know a married couple living in the suburbs, but I don't know who they are, right. So it's just.

Fiona Kane:

You've got to remember that you don't always know who it is that you are talking to, so you've got to treat it like you don't know, because you really don't know. At the very least, have video calls with people to see who they are. And if people refuse to have a video call with you or see you in person, or let you see them in person, besides sending photos that could be photos of anyone, I'd be suspicious of that, right, so one you don't know who you're dealing with. Secondly, sometimes groups are really positive and sometimes groups are really negative. So if the group you're in so say you're in a group where it's for a special interest group in regards to a health condition, so say you're in a group full of people with a certain health issue, now if they help you overcome and help you learn how to strategize about how living with this situation, or things that you can do that can relieve your symptoms, or maybe doctors that they found that are really great with managing the situation. So if they do any things that kind of help you get better or help you, basically help you have a more positive life and a better life. So if they help you to either just like they just understand you and they care and they just make you feel heard, or they give you strategies or ways to support you, to kind of stay positive and to look after yourself, then of course they can be really beneficial groups and it's often a really handy way to find out who's a good doctor that does this or has anyone you know which medication has worked for you. Obviously you still talk to your doctor, but you know you might just get some information about that. Does anyone have this reaction to this medication before? Okay, does anyone know? Can you swim with this device or like whatever? It is right? So that can be really really handy.

Fiona Kane:

But think about that, because some health groups they are quite negative and what they do is they encourage you to almost become your health condition. So instead of being someone that lives with a certain health issue, you become that person. You become the stoma person or the cancer person or the Crohn's person, whatever it is, but it sort of becomes your identity and some of those groups can be quite negative and some people can be your identity and some of those groups can be quite negative and some people can be quite negative and what they do is all they do is they outline what a victim you are and how tough it is and how hard it is and kind of really just bring you down and make it harder. So if a group you're in, if you find that your mental health is being affected by it in a negative way, maybe think about whether or not even if it's said to be a support group or said to be whatever, it doesn't matter what they call themselves if your experience of it is that it affects your physical or mental health in a negative way, have a bit of a think about whether or not that is the right group for you. If it's a group where you get useful information, you get support, you get seen and heard, but also you know you feel good about it and you feel you know you feel like it's great for your, you know it's doing good for you, then obviously it can be a really good thing Like.

Fiona Kane:

The other issue that happens with some of these support groups is. It's unfortunately, it's a way for some people. Some of these support groups are there to separate you from your family and friends, so sometimes these people are essentially grooming in different ways, but they might be saying to you oh, I understand you, I get you, not like your parents. You know, you should just disown your parents, Don't talk to them, just talk to me. Right, there should be big red flags there, right? Or all of your friends don't understand you. I understand you, me. Right, there should be big red flags there, right? Or all of your friends don't understand you. I understand you. I'm the only one who understands you.

Fiona Kane:

So anyone who it's one thing to have, maybe someone who points out that you have a relationship that might be a bit strained or might be a bit problematic in your life. Even then, be aware of this, because someone, random person online telling you that your in-person relationships are something wrong with them, they might be right, but they might have other agendas. So just have a bit of awareness around that. But if they are pretty much trying to isolate you and say, oh, don't forget about all those friends, you can't be friends with them because they don't affirm you like I do or they don't get you like I do or whatever, have strong suspicions around that If you become friends with someone online and your intent is to isolate them from all of their family and friends, that doesn't bode well for your intentions for that person. So be aware, if you're in a group where they're really trying to emphasize the difference between you and your family and friends and how they don't understand you and how they don't deserve you and all of that, get a bit suspicious about that right.

Fiona Kane:

So again, sometimes there might be situations where someone in an online group might recognize something about a relationship you have, or they might recognize that you're in a domestic violence relationship or things like that. So I'm not saying it's never warranted or there's never a reason or a time when someone might identify that they feel like you're in a bad situation, but just be very wary that if they are trying to isolate you and destroy your relationship so if you just notice that subtly they're just sort of saying something every time about your partner or about your parents or your best friend or whoever it is sometimes they're not well-intentioned, sometimes they're trying to isolate you. So just be aware of that, because there are some groups that they're trying to isolate you so they can control you, and some of them they have very cult-like strategies and a cult-like strategy. One of those is to divide and conquer. Basically, they divide you and separate you from all of your support and then they convince you to be or do or whatever they think that you should do. So have an awareness around that in online groups. If your online groups demand that you separate from people in-person people, that's not a good like.

Fiona Kane:

If you really value someone and you really care about someone, you actually want them to have healthy relationships in the real world and you want them to have healthy relationships with their parents and their family and things like that. So if they're deliberately trying to sabotage those relationships, there's a big red flag there that that's a problematic group, right? So you know, essentially, if the group's trying to separate you from your loved ones, friends, family. If the group's trying to talk you out of going to work or going and studying or doing something that's beneficial for you. If the group are trying to talk you out of doing something, whether it be exercise or eating, well, whatever you're doing that's healthy for you, it's. A difference is, if they're trying to, you know if you're basically not eating and not looking after yourself and they're trying to encourage you to look after yourself, but if they're trying to discourage you from doing really healthy things, there's a problem. Or if they're trying to get you to really really sit in the pain of being whatever victim class that you're in. And in a previous episode I was talking about sort of not overreacting to maybe the small disagreements or issues or whatever in relationships.

Fiona Kane:

If they're trying to like if you go to that group and you say, oh, I've just had this argument with my mom or my best friend or whoever it is. If you go to those groups and they say, hey, look, yeah, look, that happens and look it's all right, and you know it's just a misunderstanding. Or look, we get it. And your mom I'm sure your mom loves you. She means well, maybe she just doesn't understand or she's just trying to do the best for you. If they say that, that's one thing. But if you go to a group and you say you just had a fight with someone and they get stuck in trying to say, oh well, that's because she hates you, that's because she doesn't understand you, that's a whole different level and again, there are times where that might be true, but in these situations and these kinds of groups that I'm talking about, more often than not it's not true. And so you know, if you go to them with a challenge that you have with someone else and their first response is to try and sabotage that relationship again, you know the first response should be trying to help you heal that relationship and keep that relationship.

Fiona Kane:

And if people you're dealing with, whether in person or online, actually are actively trying to sabotage your other relationships, you want to have a bit of a look at that and see what's going on there, because my intention is never to sabotage someone's healthy relationships with other friends and family. So if I feel the need to go in and sabotage your relationship with your friends and family what's going on there? What's my agenda? And sabotage your relationship with your friends and family, what's going on there? What's my agenda? So just have that awareness that sometimes people they don't have a good agenda for you and that they might want you to stay being a victim and be a victim class and be very needy and very needy on them and especially if they're separating you from your friends and family, you'll be very dependent on them and especially if they're separating you from your friends and family, you'll be very dependent on them. And that's the other thing too. Is say, sometimes people it's an agenda where people are trying to isolate you for some reason or another.

Fiona Kane:

Sometimes it's just so that I don't have to challenge myself. So I'll give you an example of what I mean. I can't be bothered doing exercise, so I'm going to encourage you to not exercise. Then I don't have to feel bad If we both don't do it. I don't feel bad If you do it and I don't. I might feel bad and think maybe I should do it right. So that's another thing that happens. And again, it can be online or it can be in person. But a friend doesn't want to push themselves, and so they don't want to hang around. Someone who pushes, who does, who does that, who pushes themselves, who does those things right. So the easier thing to do is to pull someone backwards than it is to push yourself forward. Okay, so you only really want to be hanging around with people who push you forward in a positive way and encourage you to to be the best you can, not people who try and pull you back into comfort zone with them so they don't have to challenge themselves, and that is a real thing too. Like where I am.

Fiona Kane:

This is sort of going off the topic, but same topic but different topic is that I grew up in an area of Sydney that was very kind of working class and an area that a lot of people laughed at and picked on and said that you know, you're, you're going to not make it if you're from that area. And there was good things and bad things about growing up in that area. But one of the bad things is that some of the people that lived there had accepted their fate and accepted what people thought about them. So they accepted that they weren't going to make it and it wasn't worth trying. And you know, oh, I come from this place. Therefore, I, you know, I may as well give up now, right, and so I actually did move out of that area as earlier as I could for that exact reason. So it wasn't the area itself, it wasn't the place itself, but it was the frame of mind. So for those of you who know Sydney, that area was Mount Druin and Mount, and some people had the Mount Rook frame of mind, and by that I mean they've been told that they're bad and they're hopeless and they're useless. And they've bought that idea and they believe it. And when I moved away, I was moving away from that. So it wasn't so much the place itself it's not necessarily a bad place but I was moving away from the people who had that idea. And there's a whole lot of people there who didn't have that idea as well, but I knew for myself I had to move away. So it's that kind of whole thing.

Fiona Kane:

You are the sum of the five people you spend most of your time with. I can't remember who said that some famous book. I can't remember now, but it's very true. So, whether it's in person or online, the groups of people you want to be with are people who encourage you and challenge you in a positive way to be better and do better, not people who try and pull you back because they want to feel better about themselves. So they have to have you be the same as them. They can't have you achieving anything, because then they're going to feel bad because they're not achieving anything.

Fiona Kane:

So I just wanted just a reminder about, sort of when you're going into groups, whether they be in person, because the other type of thing is I talk to mothers about. You know mother's groups and things, and sometimes mother's groups are really toxic and people you know they come home feeling ashamed and feeling bad about themselves because all the mothers have, oh well, my child's doing this and my child's advanced and oh, what's wrong with you. That kind of thing. If you're in a group that makes you feel like that you're in the wrong group. Okay.

Fiona Kane:

So whether these groups are in person, whether they're online, whether they're sharing health stuff or whether they're about your favorite music or your favorite movies or whatever they are, just be aware of being in groups that are supportive of you and good for you, not ones that are negatively affecting you. And you know, no matter what the group purports to be, or even if the group was beneficial for you at one time and now you find that it's not, it is okay to leave a group. Or, you know, sometimes in some groups I will mute them because I don't want to see all the everyday but I might just need, I might sort of go in there just for handy things that I need, but I otherwise mute them and that helps me because I don't see all the carry on that goes on. That's really negative, but if I need a certain resource or whatever, I can access it. Right, so, you know, essentially, when we think about this it's you know, it's the same as, in general talking, when we talk about, you know, when you curate your life and the people who were in it and the people who you spend your time with, well, the online communities are part of that, right, so you have to curate. Who knew that? I didn't know how to say curate, curate? Who knew that? I didn't know how to say curate? You have to curate your life and choose who you want to be in your life and and who, um, and how you will interact with those people. And part of that is those online communities and online groups and um, and just have as much awareness around those, and actually even more, because you make sure you, even the people you're dealing with, are actually real people, and not just real people, but real people that you want to be associated with and they're not just stringing you along because, uh, you know there's even these days some of them are just bots and stuff. So I mean, half of the people that you argue with on line aren't even real people, right? So, um, so, just have an awareness around that. So, just, I think, sometimes we think, oh, it's a group where I get to share my mental health challenges with and, look, that's great. Look, if you're in a group talking about mental health challenges and that group is supportive of you, fabulous. But if you're in a group talking about mental health challenges and you're feeling really bad about yourself or feeling like you're failing somehow or they're really affecting your mental health in a bad way, maybe it's not a supportive group for you, right? So just consider online the same as in person, and really consider about the individuals and all the groups that you're with. Do they support you to be the best you can be, or do they have a negative effect on you? So that's just my sort of input about talking about groups and the people that we spend our time with.

Fiona Kane:

Now, just another reminder please like, subscribe, share, please rate and review this podcast, either on YouTube or on Spotify or wherever you happen to be watching or listening to it. And please, if I could just ask you just right now, just so you don't forget can you please click on share and share this episode with someone that you know who may enjoy it as well? It really will make a difference for me. The more people who subscribe and watch and like and comment and interact with my podcast, the more people will see it and then, you know, it becomes something that I can afford to continue to do. So please do that. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a great week. You know, at the Wellness Connection all about real conversations about things that matter. So I hope this was useful to you and I'd love to hear your feedback. I will talk to you all again next week. Thank you, bye.

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