The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane

Parent-Child Relationships: Coping When Your Parents Can’t Change | Ep. 124

• Fiona Kane • Season 1 • Episode 124

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Parent-Child Relationships: Coping When Your Parents Can’t Change is something many of us struggle with. In this episode, we explore how to deal with the pain of having parents who can’t give you what you need.

Learn why accepting their limitations can bring you peace, how to adjust your expectations to avoid constant disappointment, and ways to build your own emotional resilience and capacity so you can move forward with strength and freedom.

Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

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The Beat of Nature

Music by Olexy from Pixabay



Fiona Kane:

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast. I'm your host, Fiona Kane. Today I'm furthering my discussion about relationships. I've talked about them in a few different episodes and today, probably one of the relationships specifically I'm going to be talking about would be a relationship with a parent. But this could actually translate to other kind of relationships as well.

Fiona Kane:

One thing I often see and I've seen it in my own life and seen it when I talk to clients is I see people who have strained relationships with people, particularly with their parents, and one thing I see quite commonly is that sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of that person in our life, and so what happens is they keep disappointing us over and over and over again. And the truth is that all of us human beings, we're flawed. We're all a bit of a sum of what's come before, what's led up to now, and sometimes that's been good and sometimes not so good. Some people have had challenging lives and have had no role models for how to parent, no role models for how to have a healthy relationship. They haven't learned how to manage their emotions, they haven't learned how to manage their mental health. They haven't learned how to be, you know, functional, like emotionally functional human being right, and so some people just haven't got many of those skills, or we haven't got all of them, or most of us haven't got all of those skills right. So we're all in a different place there, where we've got a certain level of capacity right, and some people have way less capacity not saying that they couldn't build that capacity, but they haven't built it. So we've all ordered English speak, fiona speak. We're all at a different level of capacity and we've all built a different level of capacity in our lives, and so some of us at this moment in time have more capacity than others, and essentially that is the truth of it.

Fiona Kane:

So when you are dealing with, say, for example, a relationship with a parent, sometimes what happens is the truth is, as a child, you deserve to be loved unconditionally by your parents and you deserve to have a great life where your parents give you love and support and all of the things that you need to grow up and be a functional, well-adjusted adult. Right, we all deserve that. We should get that. It's only right that we get that. But the truth is, in the real world, many people don't get that or they get different variations of that, and so it is normal to feel hurt, to feel sad, to feel angry, to feel whatever the emotion is, to feel like you've missed out when you didn't get that and you're struggling with life and trying to figure it out and you feel like you didn't even get the basic building blocks for how to manage life right. So it is okay to feel that way, and it could be normal if you haven't had that support that you needed as a child. So that is fair enough, that is okay.

Fiona Kane:

I would suggest, though, that if you're really struggling with that, to see a counsellor or therapist or someone and get support around that, because sometimes we do need support around that, and we do need to talk about how disappointed we are or how devastated we are or how sad we are or whatever. The emotion is that we didn't get what we needed, because many children just don't get what they need, and that is a terrible thing for them and that can be really challenging. So that is a truth, but the thing is that we think about it for ourselves, but we forget about it for our parents. So you didn't get what you needed from your parents, but maybe they didn't get what they needed either, so they just didn't have it to give because they didn't get it right. And ultimately, what we need to do to build an adult relationship with our parents is we need to meet them where they are, and that is just the reality of it. So what I mean by that is you know, sometimes you've got to work out all of your anger and all those things. You do that with your therapist or your best friend or whoever you do that with, and sometimes you can talk about that with your parents.

Fiona Kane:

Sometimes people have healing when they can talk to their parents about different issues. But sometimes you can't. Sometimes that's just they're not. They don't have the capacity for it. They can't do it. They can't be the person that helps you through your mental health issue that you have around them not being a good enough parent, right? Sometimes you're not going to get the apology that you want, you're not going to get the acknowledgement that you want. Sometimes you're not going to get any of that. So we do have to go looking for that, maybe in other places where we will get it, which will be support through a therapist or something like that. To have an ongoing relationship with a parent. We need to, or anyone. We need to meet them where they are.

Fiona Kane:

So if you know that your parent isn't up for going over the past and talking about what happened and they're not going to apologize to you and they're not going to do any of that sort of stuff with you, you have to just decide that you're okay with that and you don't need that from them, because you don't necessarily need that from them. You can go and do that in other places. You don't need your parent to for you to grow and heal. You don't need your parent to do that. You can do that separately from them, right? They don't have to do it. So you can, all right.

Fiona Kane:

But they just might not want to or feel like they're able to or be able to, and there's a certain level of you know we have to kind of accept that with our parents that we can't make them do or other people, whoever they are, make them do what we feel that they should be doing. So you have to learn to meet people where they're at, and that means dropping your expectations of what you feel like that they should do for you. So if you feel like they should always show up for you and they should always do this, they should always do that and they need to provide this sort of support and this sort of love for you. Like you might be valid in your assumption that that's what parents should do, but that does not mean your parent is going to do that. They just might not do that. It might be because they're selfish, might be because they're horrible people, might be just because they don't know how to do it. They don't have the capacity for it. But whatever the reason is, they're going to do what they're going to do, like people who are who they are. And yes, sometimes people have growth and they grow spiritually, emotionally and all those things, and that's great when that happens and that can happen and it does happen.

Fiona Kane:

But sometimes people don't have any of that. They just they are who they are and they're always going to be that and at some level we have to learn how to accept that that's just who they are. You can then decide what level of relationship you want to have with them. But it's like don't set yourself up over and over again to be disappointed. So if you know that person's not going to show up, don't constantly arrange to meet them and then be sitting there kind of going oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, and then be devastated every time they don't show up right. Or don't expect them to do your therapy, speak with you and help you with your therapy stuff and your mental health. If they're not going to do that, they're not going to do that right. Or don't expect them to be the person for you that gives you that unconditional love. Maybe they can't do that, but you might get that from someone else, but you're not going to get that from your father or your mother or whoever it is.

Fiona Kane:

But what we do often is we kind of have in our mind who we think our parents should be and what that role they should play, and then we constantly get wounded because they don't do that thing and that's just damaging yourself over and over again. It's like going up and smacking your head against a wall over and over again. Right, simply put, they will do whatever their capacity is or whatever they want to, and you have no control over that. And if your happiness, your mental health, your physical health, your happiness is reliant on them doing something or being something, that is a very precarious place because you can only be okay if they do or say or be whatever. That's not healthy for anyone in your life, right? So if you need someone in your life to do or say or be something so you can be okay, you've got to have a look at your capacity and maybe build your mental health capacity around being okay, regardless of if those people do say or be what you want them to be. So you might want them to be a certain way and you might deserve them to be a certain way, and it might be really really unfair and really really wrong that they're not that way. However, the reality is the reality. So sometimes you just have to be accepting of the reality, and when you accept that, you will find it a lot easier.

Fiona Kane:

Because if you go into that relationship, you choose how much you give, and you often choose that based on how much you get back or how safe you feel. You choose how much you give, you choose how much you expect, you remove or reduce your expectations to be realistic, and then if that person meets any expectations at all, that can be a great thing, right? Whereas if you've got these high expectations and they never, ever meet them, all you're doing is you're doing this constant loop where you're getting proof that they're no good, or proof that not just they're no good, but maybe it's proof that you're no good, that you're not worthy, right? So it's really, when we do this sort of stuff, sometimes we're actually, sometimes we're really harming ourselves by doing this stuff right, because we put ourselves in this constant feedback loop where we have these high expectations this is how they should be, they're never going to make that. They're never going to make that, so they don't, they can't, whatever. They inevitably disappoint you. And then you've got proof that you're not good enough or they're not good enough, or whatever.

Fiona Kane:

The story is that you're telling yourself and then we just go round and round in circles and always feeling wounded and always feeling like you're in a drama, and always feeling sad and torn and upset and it's not fair and hard done by and all of those things. So at a certain time in life, we need to learn to understand the people in our lives, and if the people in your life are not supplying you what you feel like you need, then you do need to examine well, what does that look like? Am I in with the wrong person, in the wrong marriage with? You know the wrong situation? Should I be with someone else, or am I expecting something of that person that they can't do? Can I get that thing somewhere else? Or can I do that for myself? Right, but what we do is we just get caught in these situations where we just play out the same stuff over and over and over and over again and all it does is damage your relationship and damage ourselves and damage our relationship with ourselves. So there's a certain level where you have to accept what things are, and the same thing happens in marriages. Sometimes in marriages, we get to a point where we realize that our marriage, that there's certain things that you won't get from that relationship, and you either have to decide that that's okay and fulfill that, whatever that is in a different way for yourself, or that's not okay, and that's your choice as well. It's all a choice, but it's just being realistic about what is so.

Fiona Kane:

I'm not saying that you run from every situation that doesn't provide everything you need. All I'm saying is, if you feel like you're being disappointed all around, maybe look at what standards you're holding everyone to. Are those standards realistic? What standards are you holding yourself to as well? Maybe they're unrealistic. So you know, what are you expecting the world to do for you? And are you expecting the world to prop you up and make you okay? Because I know there are some people that you know, if someone doesn't ring me by a certain time, they don't love me, they don't care. Oh man, don't set yourself up for that. You're going to be having dramas all the time because someone gets busy and they don't love me, they don't care. Oh man, don't set yourself up for that. You're going to be having dramas all the time because someone gets busy and they don't ring you.

Fiona Kane:

So if your whole ability to be okay is dependent on only if that person says this thing or does this thing or whatever, your capacity, your physical and mental health has to come from you, and it's great to have the support and it's great to have from you, and it's great to have the support and it's great to have people's love and it's great to have people's care and all of those things. But if you need them to survive and you cannot do it without any of them and if one of those people doesn't show up one day or isn't well, or doesn't give you the right answer, or doesn't well or doesn't give you the right answer, or doesn't phone you back or whatever. If that happens and you fall apart, you haven't built your capacity and it's your job, it's our job as individuals to develop and grow our own capacity, and sometimes that means getting therapy or finding a good friend that you can talk to or whatever it looks like. And sometimes it looks like having realistic looks at the relationships that we're in, looking at the expectations we have for ourselves because sometimes we have very unrealistic expectations for ourselves as well, the expectations we have on others and what we think they should bring to our life and really examining that and kind of going, am I being for real? Really, am I being for real? Is this legitimately true that this person should fulfill this and I won't be okay if they don't? Am I asking something of them that they just can't give? And if I need that person to do X before I can feel okay, am I putting too much pressure on that person? And again, it's when we place our ability to be happy and functional outside of ourselves. We're always going to be at the whims of everyone outside of ourselves. If we can't make it be okay ourselves and we need other people to constantly affirm us, then it's a problem and that's actually an issue that comes up with them. I've mentioned it before but, like, when there's like people talk about safe spaces and things like that, it's actually an issue with that as well. That it's like okay if I can only be okay if people affirm me, if people use my right pronoun, or if people say the right things, or if I'm in a group that everyone agrees with me or whatever, or if I'm in a safe space where I'm not challenged. That's not capacity building.

Fiona Kane:

As people in this planet, as adults, we need to learn. As children, as, over time, we need to learn how to capacity build, and capacity building means being okay with being uncomfortable, being okay with having people have different opinions to you, being okay that you can be okay whether or not people affirm you or not. You don't have to get a whole bunch of people tell you that you're wonderful online or agree with you online to be okay. So you can, as a human being, just be okay within yourself and build that capacity. Focus on that and if you're finding that you need to run from places because you're feeling hurty feelings because someone has a different opinion or they don't say the right words to you, consider how much expectation you're putting on people and situations outside of yourself to make you okay and how much you should really actually be doing from the inside to make you okay and how much you should really actually be doing from the inside to make yourself okay. It's actually an inside job, it really is. So being okay is about capacity building.

Fiona Kane:

Capacity building means learning how to be uncomfortable, learning how to have difficult conversations, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone, making yourself go for job interviews and go and have you know. Go and talk to that girl or that boy or that person name it with a friend if something's uncomfortable or something's not working out. Talk to your partner, your husband, whoever it is about, whatever's going on. Go and talk to your boss about an issue you're having. Be okay if you feel you know if you don't like someone or if someone doesn't like you, so that's okay. You don't like everyone either, so maybe someone doesn't like you, that's okay. That's fine. Just be okay with the fact that not everyone's going to like you, because not everyone likes everyone, right? But this is what capacity building is about, and having good mental health isn't about whether or not you can run and hide from all of those things or whether or not you can get enough people to affirm you that you can feel okay about yourself as actually being just okay with yourself. Right, when you're okay with yourself, you don't need all of that.

Fiona Kane:

So, getting back to the relationship with parents or whoever it is, unfortunately you might deserve better. It might be really unfair. Better you might you know, and it might be really unfair really really unfair that you didn't get what you needed. However, if you just play out over and over and over again this person owes me this and if they don't behave this way or act this way or do this thing, that I'm going to be constantly devastated, you're going to set yourself up for a lifetime of just devastation and drama and just being miserable. So, at some level, we have to accept people for who they are. We have to acknowledge who people are and who they are in our lives and what roles they play, and sometimes we have to adjust that. So the role might be what we might want is the parent that we're really close to, that's really supportive, that gives us unconditional love and does everything we need. But we might want is the parent that we're really close to, that's really supportive, that gives us unconditional love and does everything we need. But we might have a parent that we check in with once a month who is more caught up in their own life. That just might be the reality of the parent you have.

Fiona Kane:

So you need to find a good friend or a close a partner or someone else who is the person who you know gives you more of maybe what you might have had from a parent, because you're just not going to get it from that parent. Obviously Now it might be wrong, it might be sad, it might be hard, it might make you angry, all the things. That's fine, but it is what it is, and a big part of life is learning how to be with and accept what is and then readjust your expectations. So you might deserve that from a partner, you might deserve that from a parent, you might deserve certain things, but you're just not getting them from those places. So maybe you have to find other ways to fulfill your needs and get the things that you need in your life and not constantly expect to get things and not saying, of course, that you can't ask for what you need. So sometimes we don't get what we need because we don't ask for it.

Fiona Kane:

So, of course, ask for what you need and all of that sort of stuff, but ultimately it's also accepting. There's a certain point when you accept that you just you know who people are, you know their limitations, and when you understand their limitations, then you adjust your expectations accordingly. That makes a lot less drama in your life, a lot less drama in their life, and it helps you just go off and go and do other things and find what you need elsewhere and not waste your time there as well. So a lot less drama in your life if you can learn how to accept people as they are and accept yourself as you are as well Doesn't mean that you or other people can't grow, but it's also just having a general acceptance that people are who they are, and the best thing I can do is adjust my expectations around that rather than have high drama constantly because people are all around me are not meeting my needs.

Fiona Kane:

So anyway, I hope you found it useful. That's something I found really useful in my life and I hope that's helpful for you. Please don't forget to like, subscribe, share, comment, all of that sort of stuff. And right now, right now, if you found this really, really useful, please, right now hit share and share it with someone you love or care about or someone that you think that will benefit from this episode. I really want more people to learn about this podcast so I can afford to keep doing it. And anyway, thank you again. This is where the wellness connection, where I have real conversations about things that matter, and I will talk to you all again next week. Thank you, bye-bye.

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