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The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane
Real Conversations about things that Matter
All things life and health - physical health, nutrition, mindset, mental health, connection plus society and culture with Fiona Kane, experienced and qualified Nutritionist, Holistic Counsellor and Mind Body Eating Coach
Frank discussions about how to achieve physical and mental well being.
I talk about all things wellness including nutrition, exercise, physical and mental health, relationships, connections, grief, success and failure and much more.
Some episodes are my expertise as a nutritionist and holistic counsellor and some are me chatting to other experts or people with interesting health or life stories. My goal is to give you practical and useful info to improve your health and tidbits that you may find inspiring and that may start discussions within your circle of friend/family.
The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane
How to Build Emotional Capacity for Better Mental Health | Ep. 138
In this episode of the Wellness Connection Podcast, Fiona Kane dives into how to build emotional capacity to improve mental health. She discusses why our society often celebrates emotional fragility instead of strength, and how understanding your feelings as data—not facts can help you navigate challenges, discomfort, and personal growth.
Learn practical strategies to:
Understand and manage your emotions
Distinguish between discomfort and danger
Grow through challenging conversations and experiences
Strengthen your mental and emotional resilience
Stop letting your feelings control your life and start building the emotional muscle that helps you thrive—regardless of external circumstances.
📌 Subscribe for weekly insights on mental health, emotional growth, and wellness.
Outro: Music by Musinova from Pixabay
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
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Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection podcast. I'm your host, Fiona Kane. Today I'm going to be talking to you about how to build your emotional capacity to improve your mental health. Now, this is a discussion I move back and forward within because I think it's a really important topic to keep addressing because I see more and more in our society some issues that we have with our mental health in regards to not building our emotional capacity. So that's where I'm going to be focusing on today. I'm really inspired by Raquel the Capacity Coach. She has an Instagram page and I'm expanding on some of the things that I've heard her talking about recently here because she's just really sensible in the ways that she lays things out. So I want to start by saying that, you know, what we're doing is instead of building emotional strength, what we're doing is we're celebrating fragility. We're celebrating emotional fragility. Our society at the moment really does celebrate that and uh and encourage that. And that's not healthy, it's not helpful. Uh and what's happening is you know, this the smallest thing, people aren't coping emotionally. They're, oh, I have to take a day off because some small thing happened, these sorts of things. And you know, it's important to remember, you know, in in the job that I do, I do talk to people about their feelings. It's one of the things I talk about. And feelings have their place. Feelings have an importance. However, feelings are not facts, they're data, not facts. So sometimes the feeling you have will be leading to something factual or something that you need to action or something that matters. Uh, but sometimes the feeling you have, or something that's true, but sometimes the feeling you have, it leads to it's background is something that's not true and not real because you might be having irrational feelings or emotions about something. So feelings are just data, and it is important to pay attention to them, but the world does not need to completely change to support you and your feeling. As an adult, it is your job to learn how to understand what your feelings are, learn how to identify them, learn how to manage them, learn how to navigate through them, learn how to follow the data and see what those different feelings might represent. But that's your job as an adult to explore those things. Uh, but it's not the job of the community to just bend over and deal with, you know, oh, the whole everyone needs to close everything down or everyone needs to change everything because you're having a feeling. It just simply doesn't work that way. So, like I said, uh feelings are data. So sometimes you might have a feeling, you know. I know that when I get really snappy and angry, there's data, right? So if I'm feeling really angry, feeling getting really short with people and feeling really frustrated, there's data. So I look back, I look at what that might mean. Now, it doesn't mean I just haven't eaten in a while and my blood sugar is low, because that for me can be a cause of those feelings and for for most people. Does it mean that I'm feeling nervous about something or I'm feeling frightened about something? I have a fear around something, which is often the case. So often if I feel anxious or frightened about something, I'm more comfortable with feeling anger than I am with feeling fear. So I will start feeling angry or irritable, and I'll start getting cranky or yelling at people or whatever when really what's going on is I'm feeling really scared about something. So it's it's my job to explore that. It's my job to kind of go, okay, if you know what's going on, you're getting really snappy. Is it just because you haven't eaten? Is it you haven't had enough sleep? Is it that you know you there's something else going on that's making me feel stressed or making me feel uncertain? And that's why I'm acting out. But it's useful information because then I can say to myself, all right, so what I need to do is I need to have something to eat before I interact more with any any people, or maybe I need to say, I have to just be really careful of the conversations I have, or just really calm myself down for now because I don't have time to sleep or eat right now. But maybe I just need to know that my feelings shouldn't be dominating the way I'm behaving right now if I'm behaving irrationally and unfairly, right? But it is my responsibility to look at what's going on for me, follow what that data is telling me, and do something about that. Uh, you know, your feelings could mean that your boundaries are being crossed or that you need to learn how to say no, or that you need to sometimes say yes. It could mean lots of things, but they are just data. So there's not one answer for a feeling you might have. You need to explore, you need to just get used to having a feeling. By the way, just get used to having a feeling it's okay to have one because we just live in this world where they're validated, but then also we do lots of things to stop having the feeling, like we eat the thing, or we take the drug, or we you know, drink the uh the alcohol or the different things that we do to stop having a feeling, right? So a feeling is just data, and it's okay to have feelings, it's okay to learn how to deal with feelings. It's just what you do with those feelings that's important that you know how to behave as an adult and you know how to navigate it and what to do with it. And if you struggle with this, go and go and get therapy or you know, find a, you know, read books, get therapy, find support, find a way that you can watch podcasts, right? Find a way to learn more about this so you can explore this for yourself. So, you know, what we do in our society is we mistake discomfort for danger. And again, it's data. So sometimes discomfort actually is data that there is danger. So sometimes you're uncomfortable, you get an uncomfortable feeling, and that is because something really is wrong, or there's someone in your space that that you just get this feeling that that person is not there for your for your uh well-being, right? So sometimes that discomfort uh and we we see we see it as danger, and it is danger, right? But sometimes we see discomfort as danger when it's not. So someone with a different opinion to you, it's not danger. Someone who wants to challenge you on your opinions or on your thoughts, or just, you know, someone who's challenging you in general isn't always a bad or dangerous thing because people challenging you can be a really good thing. If that person's challenging you to help you grow, that's great. Or if they're challenging you because they're learning how to have a conversation and you're learning how to have a conversation, and you're both just learning how to have these uh, you know, challenge what might be challenging conversations and learn from each other or hone your debating skills, learn something, whatever it is, but that's not danger, right? So uh it's it's a matter of understanding again at starter, so you're if discomfort doesn't necessarily mean there's danger, but yes, you do have to rule that out. So if you start feeling uncomfortable, you can sort of just again figure that out. Stop and kind of go, okay, what's going on? Why am I feeling uncomfortable? I'm feeling uncomfortable because you know, there's a dodgy person in the room, I'm feeling uncomfortable because you know, I feel like I'm in danger because that thing over there, there's you know, something's happened to change in my environment. There's there's a I don't know, there's a riot going on over there. Something's, you know, I've whatever it is, sometimes obviously it is a sign of danger. But if it's just I'm uncomfortable because someone's challenged me, or I'm uncomfortable because I don't, you know, I I I get feel I feel uncomfortable or I have emotions when I have this conversation, that's not danger. That really is not danger. So learn to know the difference between what is danger and what is not. Uh so that uh being this discomfort is certainly telling you something, it's certainly data, but just explore what that is. And sometimes it's data that says, get the hell out of there, shut things down, get out of there. But sometimes it's data to say, Oh, okay, I just don't like having my feelings uh like my feelings not being uh seen or heard, or I or I don't like having my opinions challenged, right? So know the difference because it's good to have your opinions challenged. It's good for you, it's healthy for you. So, you know, what happens more often than not is people say this is toxic and they want to shut down conversations and all of that. And you know, we again we we're misdefining what toxic is. Sometimes, you know, toxic if you're around someone who is constantly uh tearing you apart and and treating you badly, whatever, of course, that that's there's a toxicity of that. But if it's just someone who has a different opinion, nice enough person, they just think differently to you, it's not toxic because they have a different opinion, it's not toxic. You feeling uncomfortable because you're being challenged on your opinion doesn't make that person toxic. There's you know, there's toxic and there's just a different opinion, and I think we get confused between the two. So it is good to again clarify this for ourselves because what we're doing now more and more, because we do live in our bubbles, because the way that social media algorithm works, it feeds you what you want to hear. So yeah, if you go left or right or wherever you are, in whatever opinions you have about whatever the situation is, obviously, you see more and more of what you want to see and what you believe, and then we start to be in our isolation uh information bubbles. And what can happen and what is happening more and more lately is that we think it's toxic if we hear a different opinion. We think it's toxic to talk to someone on the supposed other side and all that, all that stuff. And that's really foolish because it was really healthy to talk to someone on you know, inverted, commas the other side, uh, because you might learn something. Even if you learn how to articulate your argument better, but you might learn, but you might also learn that that person's a human being. That you might think they've got wrong opinions or you're they're whatever, but you will learn that they're a human being, and it's actually useful just to learn that someone's a human being as well. Uh, and sometimes they've got something to teach you. Sometimes it's it's really interesting in my life. I've noticed that sometimes the people I think who have the least to teach me teach me something. Whether or not what they're teaching me is how to be stronger or how to manage my emotions better or how to do how to articulate my argument better, or whether or not they're actually teaching me something factual that's really, really interesting that I didn't know. And sometimes the people in my life who have made me uncomfortable because they've held me to account, or because they've stood up to me, or because you know they've made me uncomfortable and challenged me, they've been the people that have taught me the most. So if I shied away every time I felt challenged, I wouldn't have grown as a human being, right? So our growth actually relies on us to really make sensible decisions about when to run away and hide and when to stay and deal with the challenge and let it be something that allows you to grow. And uh, and you know, we need more of that. And like sometimes it is appropriate to walk away, sometimes it is appropriate to self-protect. And sometimes we're in you might just have a really poor mental health at this moment in time or poor physical health, which means that you're you feel your capacity is lowered, and that's fine. We there's times sometimes we do need to withdraw. So I'm not saying that you have to actively be out challenging yourself constantly, but um, but generally speaking, in life, we need to challenge ourselves and we need to um to build our capacity. We actually need to um to be in these situations so we build our capacity. So um, you know, being challenged isn't isn't doesn't make you unsafe, it really does not make you unsafe. So, you know, and like I said, we it's all this self-preservation stuff. Sometimes we do need to preserve our sanity and our health, and we need to move away from situations or not expose ourselves to situations. But if we do that constantly, then we don't grow and we don't learn. So when you're feeling better, when your health is better, then it's it's good to expose yourself to more. Um, you know, if you think about it, it's no different to like, you know, exposing yourself to germs so that your immune system uh gets is able to deal with germs more, right? It's the same thing as in, you know, um and same with like building muscle. We build muscle by breaking it down, right? You build muscle, it hurts to build muscle, and so growth in this life requires a certain level of discomfort. Uh, it really does. So it's we can't completely avoid it all of the time. Uh it's just sometimes maybe that might be the right time for you to um preserve and and stay in your corner, that's fine, but don't completely avoid your whole life ever having any kind of conversation or doing anything that makes you uncomfortable because then you just will not grow, and that's that won't grow your emotional capacity, it will not improve your mental health. And so, really, rather than you know, protecting our feelings, how about we ask ourselves, you know, and and of course what we do is we say, Oh, I just want to make this feeling stop. So we do what like I was talking before, we do the things that help us make the feeling stop. Whereas maybe what we need to do is ask, what is this teaching me? What is this feeling teaching me? And it might be teaching me that I don't know the topic well enough that I'm arguing about, so it makes me uncomfortable because I can't argue my position. So maybe it teaches me that I need to go and learn more so I feel like I'm more sure in my opinion about something, and I can discuss it more. Maybe it's teaching me that I am reacting too much with my emotions and not thinking enough about things. You know, whatever it is, you know, maybe it's teaching me, like I've said before, people have challenged me before, and it's teaching me that I'm behaving like an a-hole, or it's teaching me that um it might be teaching me that I'm completely wrong about something. Uh or just might just be teaching me that uh I need to learn how to manage my emotions better. I don't know, but look for opportunities for growth. Look for like what is this teaching me rather than I feel uncomfortable, make it stop. It's like, oh, I feel uncomfortable. Okay, that's data. So what do I let's explore what is the data telling me? And the more you do this, the more practice you get at this, the better you'll be at it. And the stronger and more, the stronger you'll be, and you'll realize that uh that you don't need to make the world change to fit you. You can actually manage and and uh deal with the world. Uh so because what we're doing at the moment is we're protecting our feelings um rather than growing, so we protect our feelings over growth, and growth should be more important than feelings. Uh, and it's a balance in this, as I've been talking about, but um, but we really do need to expose ourselves to different uh different things that make us uncomfortable so we can grow. Um, you know, life doesn't tiptoe around you, it doesn't adjust itself to fit your emotional needs, and the quicker we learn that the better. And sometimes we in schools and in and universities and places like that, we really push this kind of, you know, you need a safe space and your feelings matter so much that we all need to care kind of thing. It's it's just not true, it's just not the reality of the world. Uh, I don't don't say that feelings have no place in it. Abs absolutely not, but it's the world can't be run by our feelings because we've all got a whole bunch of feelings for a whole bunch of reasons. So, like I said, you have a feeling, find out the data related to the feeling, and then do what you need to do. Act in accordance with that rather than just oh, feeling action. How about feeling, identifying that that's data, identifying what it's about, then some action. So just a little bit of space between the feeling and the action is a really sensible idea. So, you know, the other thing that I see is you know, a lot of people, you know, so social justice warriors or people wanting to go out and change the world. And great if you want to go and change the world, and if you feel called and and and compelled to do that, good on you. That's wonderful. And um, and you know, do what for what you feel is right for you. However, you can't wait for the world to change so that you can grow as a human being. You can't wait for the world to change so you can develop and live your life. You have to live your life now in the world that we're in now. You know, life is not going to pause for you. Uh, and you can't um, you know, you can't outsource your ability to be functional to whatever the world says or whatever the policy is and the the government that's in at the moment. Governments change, you know. So if you are if you need the world to change to make you okay, that's really gonna hold up your life. You really need to learn how to live in the world that you're in now, how to have capacity in the world that you're in now. And um, and you know, it's really if you learn how to build up who you are and become who you are, you know, um, in spite of whatever systems are in place or in spite of whatever challenges are in place, uh assuming that systems and and those things won't change, like I'm not saying they can't change and they, you know, of course things change, but assume that they can't and won't change from a point of view of, well, if I have to live my life in this system and this way, how can I build my capacity so I can do that? And if you do that, you'll be right no matter what, right? And then you can fight for changing systems and all that, and things might change in the future, and that's all wonderful. But if you learn how to have capacity in a system that's not, that you feel is not supportive of your values or ideas, if you learn how to live in that, and if you learn how to survive in that, you will survive in any situation. So it's it's rather than kind of like, oh, I can't be okay until the system changes to to suit me, and I'm so I'm just gonna spend my whole life out uh, you know, with my with my placard, you know, protesting uh and just and I and I can't be okay, I'm not okay until the system changes. Good luck with that. So you can protest and you can do all those things, and and good on you, if you feel passionate about something, go for your life. But don't rely on other things around you outside of you for your own mental health, for your mental health. It's an inside job. We need to start it from inside and we need to create capacity so that we can live in the world that we're in, not the world we'd like to be in. And in fact, if we create capacity for the world that we're in, we're more likely to have the skills to change things to make to make the world better. If your capacity is better, if your physical and mental health is better, then you're more placed to be able to make a difference, aren't you? Whereas if you're kind of like, oh, the world's until the world changes, I can't be, you know, good luck with that, but it's not going to get you anywhere. So uh really, I just want to, you know, understand that your feelings aren't the be all and end all and they're not facts. They have a place and they have an importance, and we need to again look at them as data and then figure out where to go from there. But understand that your feelings are not facts, and if you're acting just straight on feeling without having that middle ground of let's look at what the data is, then there's a problem. And if you're outsourcing your ability to be happy, your ability to function in life, your ability to do life or or have good mental health, to whether or not this we have this prime minister or this president or this situation or that, that's not going to help you because that's gonna be changeable throughout your whole life. It's been changeable throughout my whole life. If I could, if we could only be happy if I had this type of government or that type of government, or this party in or that party in, I would have spent a lot of my life unhappy. So uh really uh building capacity requires the ability to feel discomfort and and to be the ability to understand to just use discomfort as a way of you know looking for data. Sometimes the data is telling you to get out of there, sometimes the data is telling you that uh the situation you're in is not right, but sometimes the data is telling you that you're being challenged, but that's okay. That's okay because that's going to help you build capacity. So remember, building capacity requires you to challenge yourself, no different to building a muscle. You don't build a muscle by sitting around and hoping that it grows, you build a muscle by working it and it hurts. You literally have to tear the muscle for it to grow, right? It hurts. So uh it's the same with emotional capacity, right? It does, it does, it does, and it can hurt. It can be hard. And it can be hard sort of learning how to have emotions, and it can be hard learning to work through emotions. But we don't just make our emotions stop. It's not about stopping them, it's about understanding them. Is it is it emotion I need to work through? Like, am I grieving and I'm really sad? So I need to learn how to just sit with that and be with that and just work through it. Or is it an emotion I'm having that's telling me some signal about something else, as I was discussing before? So please really it is important to identify and understand emotions, but it's also important to understand their importance and put them in their place. Anyway, I will talk to you again later. And uh please like, subscribe, share, all that kind of stuff, rate and review, and uh, and also, you know, this is like I said, I've said many times, this is um where I have real conversations about things that matter, and I think this really matters at the moment because we're overplaying emotions and underplaying capacity, and that's not going to help anyone. So I hope you have a great week, and I'll see you later. Bye.
