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The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane
Real Conversations about things that Matter
All things life and health - physical health, nutrition, mindset, mental health, connection plus society and culture with Fiona Kane, experienced and qualified Nutritionist, Holistic Counsellor and Mind Body Eating Coach
Frank discussions about how to achieve physical and mental well being.
I talk about all things wellness including nutrition, exercise, physical and mental health, relationships, connections, grief, success and failure and much more.
Some episodes are my expertise as a nutritionist and holistic counsellor and some are me chatting to other experts or people with interesting health or life stories. My goal is to give you practical and useful info to improve your health and tidbits that you may find inspiring and that may start discussions within your circle of friend/family.
The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane
Why You Shouldn’t Build Your Identity Around Your Pain | Ep. 139
In this episode of the Wellness Connection Podcast, Fiona Kane talks about the hidden dangers of building your identity around your wounds. Inspired by a powerful quote from RaQuel Hopkins, Fiona explains why holding on to your pain can keep you stuck, limit your growth, and shape how you see yourself in ways that aren’t helpful.
She breaks down how this shows up in everyday life - from leading every story with what happened to you, to feeling understood only when you talk about your struggles, to becoming defensive when someone questions the narrative you’ve built around your pain.
Fiona also shares her own experiences, including recovering from strokes in her 20s, and how shifting her perspective helped her move from feeling like a victim to finding meaning and strength in what she went through.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
The difference between acknowledging your pain and becoming defined by it
How emotional “pain bodies” keep you stuck
Why your feelings are data, not your identity
The impact of trauma bonding on friendships
How to move forward without dismissing your experiences
Why focusing on “what I can do” helps build a healthier, happier life
This conversation is a reminder that healing isn’t about denying what happened - it’s about refusing to let it become your whole story.
If this episode resonates with you, please like, subscribe, and share. It helps others find these conversations and join us in learning, growing, and taking better care of themselves.
Outro: Music by Musinova from Pixabay
Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/
Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/
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Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection podcast. I'm your host, Fiona Kane. Today I'm going to be talking about the dangers of identifying too much with your wounds. And I'm going to start with a quote from Raquel Hopkins. Raquel says, Be careful not to build your identity around your wounds, because the moment that you start believing your pain makes you different, you'll start protecting that pain instead of healing from it. And I thought that was really powerful when I read that because it's something that I can certainly relate to within my own life and uh in what I've, you know, what I've seen with other people. So she she talks about it further in here where she says, you know, there's no such thing as a one size fits all answer to healing, but when it comes to healing, some of us aren't actually healing. And she says, We're protecting what hurts us. And you see a lot of that. Uh you really do see it when people, um, there's people that I refer to as uh and I I got this in this uh from Eckhart Tolly. He talks about people with large pain bodies, and you see those people and they kind of collect all of their pain. So everything that ever happens to them, every slight, everything, every time someone looked at them differently or something, they kind of collect it like trophies, and they hold on to it because you know, apparently it's and you feel the energy of those people, but they hold on to this pain because it seems to be almost they thrive on the pain because they've got nothing else. So the pain is what they start to thrive on. So I'll go back to what um Raquel was saying, but she said that um this shows up in subtle ways. She said, you might be building your identity around your wounds if you lead every story with what happened to you instead of what you learned from it. So it's always, oh my god, this thing happened to me, but it you never have that. What I've learned to do is, and what I've learned about is. And that's actually really, really important because I found that um, you know, one of the stories I have was from many years ago, and I've talked about it before, but I had a couple of small strokes when I was in my 20s. And in the beginning, I was very much in the mode of mode of, oh my God, this thing happened to me. And I I was a I felt very much a victim of it. And um, and that's like it's valid, that's fine. I mean, it's normal when when you are a victim of something or when something happens to you, it's totally normal and totally okay to feel like you are a victim or to feel uh those those sort of emotions and things. That's fine. What I found though is I was talking about it all of the time, but in in a way that I started to think, oh, this is unhealthy. Like I couldn't, I couldn't switch to a new song, I couldn't switch to a new playlist or whatever. And it took me time to work through some of the issues, and a lot of it was I had physical health issues that I had to overcome, but I had mental like mental health issues that I had to overcome in regards to my anxiety about health and lots of things like that. And so it took me time, but now when I do reflect on a lot of those earlier experiences I had in my life, I I can I can reflect on, oh, this thing happened and it was terrible at the time, or it was really hard, or it was really traumatic, or whatever the experience was. But now I what I can do is I can say, hey, but if that didn't happen, I wouldn't have learned this, or if that didn't happen, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be doing this, or I wouldn't have discovered this other thing. So I can now with uh the majority, if not all of the things that have happened throughout my life, um, most of them I can I can see the lesson in it, or I can see something good that came out of it. So it was something on my path that led me to where I am now. But I I tried I've tried really hard throughout my life not to get stuck on the in the sort of victim place or in the place of the trauma, because that can be the real problem when you get stuck there. And now, and there's no judgment for anyone who does get stuck in these places. If you need help to go and get help, go and find a therapist or or do what you need to help you get unstuck. Uh, but it's um it's it is what it is, and sometimes we do get stuck here, but it's just useful to know some of the signs that you could be stuck there, and uh, and it's uh in my opinion, it's a really good idea to learn how to get unstuck from there because I don't think it benefits your life if you're carrying around this burden of like trauma and pain and you really keep yourself in it. I just don't think that's good for our physical or mental health. So she says that's um so the first one that I was just talking about is you lead every story with what happened to you. Um, so the next is you only feel understood when you're talking about your pain. And that is really big these days because I've talked about it before on recent episodes and some older episodes, how people um they identify so much with their emotions today that that it's just everything's about their pain and everything's about their emotions, and there's nothing wrong with talking about your pain when you need to, and and and there's nothing wrong with emotions per se, not at all, but we've just become in our society very much attached to it as being kind of what we lead with, and uh that's not necessarily healthy or helpful as a sort of a long-term strategy, and um then she says, then you get defensive when someone challenges the narrative that's keeping you safe. So you'd feel if you're feeling defensive or feeling a bit angry about me even talking about this in the way I am, there's a clue that you get defensive because that's kind of questioning your narrative, the story you're telling yourself about your pain, right? And she says, um, you've mistaken feeling seen for being whole, they're not the same thing. So sometimes we think the feeling seen is the thing. And I think it's a big thing these days, especially with us living our lives. And some of us like me, where we um I do the, you know, I do a podcast, and so I put myself out there, but not even just that, but these days people have themselves on uh, you know, TikTok or Insta or wherever they are, uh, sharing everything in their lives. This is me having breakfast, this is me having lunch, this is me going to the dentist, whatever, every single thing they do. And um, and I think, and actually, even when you see what young people say they want to do with their life these days, you know, when I was younger, it was like to be a fireman or a nurse or this or that or whatever. Uh, but today a lot of people want to be, they say they want to be famous or they want to be an influencer or something along those lines. And um, and I think because they perceive the sort of being online all the time and sharing with everybody the whole kind of Kardashian thing, how they share everything constantly. I think they perceive that, you know, as that's just a good thing and that makes you a bit of a hero, and aren't you wonderful? And I I just I don't think that's true. I I think that if you live not saying it's not okay to share some things and all of that, I certainly do. I think though, when you live completely with your life online like that and in public like that, you tend to, everything's more performative than it is real, and a lot of those people look to me like they are dead in the eyes and like they are very empty human beings. So yeah, um, just being seen, there's a lot of people that are seen, but they're not a whole human being. And they're, I suppose, they're using the adoration or the likes or the attention or whatever uh as their to make them feel better when maybe what they need to do is a bit more of an inside work on what's going on internally for them and being able to be whole within yourself without someone else, like someone else having to make you whole or make you feel better, you can do that for yourself if you do work on the inside stuff rather than just working on getting the attention and likes and clicks and attention or whatever variation of attention that you're using to um to help yourself feel better. And um, and so she said, uh Raquel says here, don't let pain become a comfort zone because the moment you start believing your pain makes you different, you'll start protecting it instead of healing from it. And she says here, healing isn't about denying what happened, it's about refusing to make it your identity. So it's not, and I've talked about this before with a lot of health things and a lot of challenges that we have in our life, uh, that you can have something happen to you and you can talk about that thing, and you can do some healing around that thing, and it certainly can become part of your story and part of why and how you are who you are. But it's it doesn't have to be you you are not the thing that happened to you, and um and you so it's not about denying what's happened or lying about what's happened or glossing over or healing faster than that that um is healthy for you. Uh if you're in a place where you're not there yet, and then you're not there yet, that's fine. Uh, but just to know that there is it's it's good to sort of work through so that you can get through the other side of things, so you can feel more healed around things, rather than keep yourself in that trauma all of the time. And um, and sometimes what happens too is you see friendships where people are trauma bonding, they they kind of both want to stay in their trauma and they um feed on each other's trauma. Yes, you really are a victim. Yes, you really are a victim. Oh, yes, it's terrible. Yeah, they just stay in that place all the time, it's not healthy. So uh in regards to this, what I wanted to say as well is that what we're seeing, and I was I was talking about how I've been talking about how we have, you know, we're sharing all of our emotions and we're also in touch with them, that sort of thing that you see online. And like I said, there's nothing wrong with having emotions. We need to, I've got a whole episode on emotions. I think it's my last one of the one before. But you know, it's it's fine to have them, they uh have a purpose, but that they're data, they're not how you rule your life, they're data. Uh, and actually you see this too when you see discussions. If you watch any online videos of people having discussions about um issues around in the world, whether it be politics or or or cultural or whatever, a lot of people say, Well, I feel this, I feel this, I feel that. And again, feeling's part of it, but they don't lead with any facts, they're just like I feel. And so, yeah, I think we've got to have there's got to be some facts as well. But what I wanted to say was that one thing that I think is is egging this on further, is that in our culture, in the modern sort of Western culture, so there's this kind of a new a new version of Marxism. It's been around forever, but this is kind of the newer version. And so in Marxism, there's always been the oppressor-oppressed narrative. What's happening now is you know, we've just changed who the oppressor and oppressed are to uh match the modern times, and that narrative is one that can really have you being in a victim class or feeling victimized as well. So essentially the way the narrative is now, uh, and this is a real you see this playing out throughout the the Western world, is that if you are have a problem, okay. So if you are poor, you're oppressed. If you're rich, you're an oppressor. If you're successful, you're an oppressor, if you're unsuccessful, you're oppressed. So essentially it plays out this whole kind of victim oppressor narrative, and uh and it comes down as this really, really basic, basic way of looking at the world. And so what it will say is, you know, if you have, say, uh, some sort of disability, health issue, whatever, you're oppressed, uh, and you're being oppressed by the people who don't have that issue. If you have dark skin, you're oppressed. If you have white skin, you're definitely an oppressor. If you, you know, and then different religions, whatever you name it, but anything that these days they consider to be a minority or an oppressed group, they are encouraged to stay in that oppressed place and in that victim mentality. And um, and it's not helpful, it's not helpful to you at all. So even if you are in a valid group of people who have been oppressed, uh your peoples, your religion, your culture, your colour, your race, your sexuality, whatever it is, right? Even if you are in a group that has been oppressed or is oppressed, and a lot of these stories uh these days aren't they're not current, they're cut, they're really not, and they're not necessarily true. Some of them are, some of them are not. But even if you are identifying with being oppressed and identifying with being some sort of underclass or some the all that believing that um the system's out to get you and everyone's out to get you, it's not a healthy way of living, it's not a healthy way of being. Because most of our problems come from our the way that we think about things and the what we believe and the dialogue that we have ourselves. And you only have to look around, read books, read uh autobiographies, see movies, whatever, stories of people who've overcome all sorts of huge issues where they truly are oppressed and truly are people who've been put in prison for 20 years, people have been all of the things that you read about, you know, the women who have um who've uh suffered from um female and genital mutilation, you know, all of there's so many stories you read of people who've been truly oppressed. Uh the Holocaust, you know, all sorts of things. So there's many, many stories that you can read and that you can learn about uh of of true historic things and people who have been oppressed in the past. And or it may be even more recently, maybe even now, but they kind of say, you know what, I don't care, I don't care about any of that. I'm not gonna buy into that story, I'm just gonna get on with it. You see the same thing with people with different different levels of ability. I think I talked about someone a little while ago on a pr on a previous episode who I think he's got no arms and no legs, and he's he's invented what did he invent something. Oh, I can't remember what it is. I can't remember for the life of me what it was, but he people come up with like when you when you say when you focus on what can I do rather than what can't I do, or okay, there's all these things that might hold me back. Hey, but I'm not gonna focus on them, I'm gonna focus on what I can do. You can achieve great things. And just look around for the people who have done that because there's plenty of them. And uh, and you will see that the amount of people that have had full lives, even though they they're deaf or they're blind or they they can't walk or they uh can't speak or they have you know have had this history um of uh abuse or whatever it is, people can overcome things and people can make a success of themselves. But if they get stuck in the victim place, they you you will stay there forever. So I'm not in any way discounting anyone's belief anyone's sorry, anyone's experience or or or having a go at or judging or being mean to people who've had awful things happen to them and they you know they they may be stuck in a certain place or they haven't kind of achieved what they wanted to achieve. This the point of this is not to have a go at anyone for where they are, for what's happened to them, or to disbelieve people about what has or hasn't happened to them. It's more to say that if you want to have a happy, healthy life, if you want to get on with life, get on with it. Look for what you can do, whether that's the tiniest little thing or the biggest thing. This isn't about whether or not you become an astronaut or whether or not you become president or what it a success in life doesn't have to be like huge things, it just has to be I'm focusing on the next thing tomorrow that's going to make my life better. Success could be someone who's able to walk an extra foot more than what they could last time, or success might be someone who's able to get themselves out of bed and do things in life. Success might be, you know, how oh, I don't know, finishing a course. It might be listening to a podcast, it might be getting a job, it might be staying in a job. There's a million different measures for what success might look like. So it's not about measuring somebody else's or measuring against somebody else or some, you know, it should look like this or it has to look like that. Essentially, though, if if in life we focus on what can I do rather than what I can't do, and you know, what story do I need to tell myself to do well, to have success, whatever that looks like, if we focus on those things, we do better. But if we focus on I've been hard done by and my life is tough, you just stay there, you just stay there forever. So it's just my suggestion is that if you want to have a you know a life well lived, then focus on what you can do to move forward from where you are, rather than just staying in that place. And you know, the addition to this that I would like to mention as well in our society is that if you look at there's you know, there's there's certain groups that are so to say political groups or lobbying groups or charities or or whatever they are, more probably political than charities, who they need something to be like they need you to stay in pain to stay in existence, you know. So they need you, they need something to fight for. So certain charities and certain groups, they're fighting for a certain thing, and it's not in their interests for that thing to get better. I'm not saying this in all situations, I'm not having a goal, all charities by any means, not at all, but there are just certain groups that they will, there's certain groups that need have to have the purpose, they need to have the fight. There's certain people that need to have the fight, actually. There, and and I'm you know, I'm one of them to a certain degree, but there's there's there's people who okay, so there's people who have a fighting spirit or have or or feel the need to get a word out about something or or make a change in the world or make do something better, and and so there's people like that who I say Charlie Kirk was one of those people, but people who uh you know just want to make a difference. Then there's the then there's a lifelong activist who uh not in all cases, but in many cases, is a very unhappy person with really big issues in their life, and they get their purpose from going out and being an activist somewhere and joining some group and you know, go being out on the street sticking themselves to concrete or waving a placard or whatever it is. And so there's a certain activist groups and certain uh charity type groups that are very addicted to the pain and very addicted to the struggle and need to be in the struggle. So even when things get better, they won't see that because they lose their purpose, they also lose their funding. So if you you're if you lose your funding and you lose your purpose, if the thing gets better, do you think you're motivated to make it better? And you only have to look at some of the groups that um in you know in the world that uh that think about their motivation to make things better. If their their people have a better lot in life, they don't have a job anymore, they don't have a purpose anymore. So just be aware of some of the people in the activist space and the space around you know, fighting for rights and things like that. Look, some of them are amazing and they do great things, and it's great that they're doing what they do, and you know, all of that is absolutely true. Some of them are addicted to the pain and addicted to the fight and need to always be fighting, fighting the man and doing the thing or whatever it is. Um the people that they are representing are just it could be anyone really, they don't actually care about the fight or the people per se, or like what the topic's about, they just care more that they're fighting. So just be aware there's different types of there's people trying to make a change and make a difference and talk in the world and go out and make a difference. It I suppose I would clarify by saying if someone is helping you to do better in your life, if someone is helping you to move forward in your life, if someone is helping you to see a perspective that helps you do better and be successful and do well in life, amazing. If someone is encouraging you to be a victim, encouraging you to identify in a certain way and identify as a victim class, and encouraging you to see how oppressed you are and how bad you have it, and encouraging you to, you know, the only way you could ever, you're never going to make it, and you know, and you'll have to spend your whole life on welfare because you can't possibly look after yourself, that kind of thing. There's a clue. So there's a clue in the outcome. If the outcome is a person's actually trying to make your life better and help you help yourself, that's you know, that's a healthy way of sort of activism and charity and that sort of stuff. Because when you help people be the best that they can be and be successful, whatever that looks like for them and happy in their lives. But if what you're doing is just trying to make create perpetual victims, that person is not helping you. So just be aware of the people around you, where you're what you're associated with, and whether or not you're associated with people, persons, groups who build you up and help you become a better version of yourself, or people who it's in their vested interest to keep you feeling like you're a victim. So I just thought I'd add that as well, because of this the way the world is at the moment. There's a lot of there's a lot of elements and a lot of people with a lot of vested interests who love it when people are victims. So keep that in mind. Uh, but yeah, so I just want to get back to um, you know, as I close, I'm just gonna read that quote again because I think it's a really important quote. Um, be careful not to build your identity around your wounds, because the moment that you start believing your pain makes you different, you'll start protecting that pain instead of healing from it. And the goal is to heal from the pain, but not to protect the pain. There's a difference. Food for thought. So thank you for listening. Please like, subscribe, share, and um, and you know, tell your friends about this podcast, rate review, all of those things. The wellness connection is here where I like to have real conversations about things that matter, and I think it matters to talk about these issues. I might use slightly use the wrong word or say things in a slightly wrong way, but uh my intentions are good that I want uh want people to do well and I want people to achieve wellness, and part of that sometimes is um is asking ourselves some difficult questions or looking in the mirror or those sorts of things. So that's what I'm encouraging you to do, including myself or working on myself. Uh I don't have it all figured out, and uh nobody does, and I'm just sharing with you what I learned along the way. Okay, I hope you have a great week. Thank you. Talk to you later. Bye.
