Do you ever sit back and wonder what the hell am I doing? Like seriously what the hell am I doing in my life? And at your core you know what you're doing because it feels right, but somehow it still feels like you're not fitting in with the rest of the world? So you're caught in this juxtaposition between what you feel in your gut and the way the world moves around you.
The images that are coming forward today are different. They aren't sketches. They are finger paintings. Why the sudden change from sketch to paint, finger paint not less? Because the message that wanted to come forward this week was getting out of your head - remove doubt, trust and have faith in YOU. When I finger paint, I get right out of my head. The tactile experience brings me right into my body, the moment, the idea that I am the follower of my intuition not the brain guiding it. It allows me to open up, play and not block myself from moving forward.
Get out of your way.
Doubt is such a useless emotion. Well it's use is in realizing you no longer carry it and have moved into its counter part, confidence, but otherwise, it is utterly useless. But it sneaks in to our lives constantly. I find that when doubt increases in me or sneaks into the cracks of my insecurity, it begins to grow in the crevices of my foundation and disrupt my sense of self. Because I've stopped trusting myself, stopped having faith in myself, and stopped doing what I am doubting with consistency.
Years ago, I went to a yoga retreat with my teacher, Dr. Vartika Dubey's father, Sri Om Prakash Tiwari, who gave an amazing talk on consistency. I took copious notes and wrote down every golden drop of language he used. I felt like my mind had exploded with the truth and mysteries of the world. Not just because he was saying it, and not just because it made sense to me, but because I had actually experienced it. Tiwariji's talk was on the progression of doubt and what happens when you stop being consistent in your actions. That is how I can best describe it today would be from memory because shortly after I moved to Los Angeles and when I asked my mother to send me my notes from that particular workshop (among others) in New York, she did, but the envelop they were in wasn't sealed so when I got the package there was nothing in it. Which seems funny now sort of. I was very upset at the time, but at the same time I thought "well maybe that was supposed happen". So, hence why I am recalling this all from memory. Essentially what I remember him saying was there is a progression to doubt. It creeps in if you are not consistent in your practice, whatever it may be your practice may be. Practice to cultivate your higher self, your communication and relationship to your higher self, the practice can be your art, your work, service as far as your religion or anything philanthropic, your practice could be yoga, your physical discipline, or a mental discipline. When you stop being consistent, you allow the breeding ground of doubt to grow. When doubt has an opportunity and a space to grow it starts to break up your the confidence of your foundation. You begin to worry, and worry if not checked turns in to fear and fear if not checked turns into anger or disease, disease can turn in to a major issues physically, mentally, spiritually what have you.
We all find ourselves in this at some point in time. If you look back on your life you may notice where, when and how you may have fallen off the track of your physical discipline to get in shape. Maybe when you go back to reignite your discipline you find yourself fearing that you may not be able to do it. Have doubt that it's even ever gonna work and sometimes you may just flat out give up. You may give into the depression, or fear, or disease.
I noticed it when I would write. I noticed it also with yoga, with exercise lots of things, but specifically for me it was writing. When I would write, I was vulnerable, it filled me up and made me nervous and challenge my threshold of vulnerability which was exciting and scary. But if I kept consistent at it, I would keep my personal judgment, of myself and my work, at bay. If I got off my track, if I got off my consistency, I would find that I would start to doubt and question myself. I would start to judge, to worry, fear and I would start to eventually give up. The doubt would ricochet the faith I had in me, the trust I had in me and the process, and it would obstruct my path forward.
You could really apply this to any goal in life. They say "show up" just "show up" and it's more than that. Consistency breeds confidence. When you keep showing up, you are building a foundation of confidence whether that confidence is in your self trust, self faith, self-love whether it's in a particular work project, an art project, or arena of philanthropic or any aspect of your life any goal. When you keep showing up, are consistent you solidify the ground under your feet. You don't give an opportunity for doubt to come in and disrupt your base.
This week facing fear and doubt has come forward through the opportunity of consistency the consistency to breed confidence in our communication with ourselves our higher selves the world around us wherever and whenever we can. Whatever it is that we wanna focus forward on. When my daughter was learning how to ride her bike, I came up with a chant for her which was keep going "focus forward focus forward keep going keep going focus forward focus forward keep going" and I got to say I think that works for not just bike riding life so where in your life do you need to "keep going focus forward focus forward keep going keep growing" keep going focus forward.