seasons shrieking's. end of the podcast for the year (ep.32)

Hi friends! 

December is a hard time of the year for me, like many others. I know I dont need to explain myself, but sometimes I want to. There has been a few breaks that I have taken this year where I wasnt able to verbalise what was going on in my brain and the fact that I needed time.

I hope you have enjoyed the episodes that I have released over the past year, if you have and you aren't already - please subscribe, and turn on notifications for when I will be back in the new year. 2025!! I already have some episodes recorded for the new year, and have some research in the works for other episodes.

If you are struggling with this time of the year, be gentle with yourself and try not to over do it. Thank you for tuning in, and remember, you are not defined by your productivity. Embrace the journey.
Hope you enjoy!
See you in a few weeks,
Much love 🥰


Email: cripplechroniclespod@gmail.com
Socials: @cripplechroniclespod on Instagram + Tiktok

Music: Skating On the Uppers by National Sweetheart

Transcript

0:10

Hi friends, welcome back to another episode of the Crippled Chronicles podcast, a podcast about  disability, mental health and whatever I have going on inside of this brain. Hello, my name is  Becca, if you are new here I usually have makeup on and have my hair done. However, sometimes I  just get the feeling that I want to sit down and record and today is one of those days because as  we are approaching the end of the year I am going to be taking a little bit of time off from post-  posting podcasts? From posting podcast episodes and stopping spitting when I'm speaking, jeez. I guess I'm just gonna give you a little bit of an idea of why I'm doing that other than I just  need a little bit of time, but this time of the year is actually quite difficult for me. I have  spoken on the podcast a few times about the fact that I have been undergoing therapy and  I am coming up to finishing that probably at the worst time because December is one of the  hardest weeks of the year for me. Weeks? Months? Yeah, it's difficult, it has been difficult kind  of with the festive period and things like that. It always seemed very chaotic when I was growing  up and then because I had my accident on the 12th of December and spent Christmas  and New Year in hospital unable to move really I started relearning to walk for the first time  round about New Year of 2019. So it's a pretty difficult time. My birthday is also thrown in  there which I have become more used to celebrating now I suppose, especially after the accident. Nearly losing your life gives you a whole new perspective on things I have been trying to  celebrate that, that I am alive, I am here, even through all of the odds and having one leg I'm  smashing it and that deserves to be celebrated. So this episode is probably gonna go up middle of  December so my birthday will have passed by then. If you want to leave me a little happy birthday  in the comments I will not complain about that. However, it is then four days after that is my  crash anniversary which will probably have also have passed by the time I've posted this. I am  getting on it and recording it early because I know I don't need to explain myself but sometimes  it's a bit better and this year my, my plan for the year was to be productive and consistent in  terms of podcast and unfortunately it didn't go how I wanted it to. I struggled a lot with  my mental health this year, my motivation, I started taking antidepressants and dealing with  the side effects and symptoms from those and just trying to find what was best for my body really. Whilst also having other things going on in the wider world, not having a prosthetic, waiting for  my new wheelchair, being in pain, all of these things contribute to not having been able to  keep that consistency and that is something that I have tried really hard over the past year not  to be too hard on myself about because sometimes these things just happen. However, I do feel like  I'm getting into a bit of a rhythm. I already have some episodes recorded for the start of the year,  that's what I mean by I am getting on it and I have other episodes planned so after this  episode I guess it is going to be quiet for a few weeks until the first or second week of January  and then you will have weekly Becca content in the podcast, chatting about all random things, maybe  give me some ideas of what you want to hear about and yeah I am gonna pause for a second because  I really think that I might have left my frying pan on when I was making myself breakfast and I  just need to go check it because, uh, anxiety. I have also just left a little clip if you're  wondering on audio platforms why it was a bit quiet there when I said I would be back in a  minute. I left a clip in of me coming back to my desk because a few days ago I finally  got my new wheelchair which I just mentioned about and thankfully although I'm recording  that came into my brain because I had in fact left the frying pan on and that could have been  an absolute fucking disaster so now I need to try and recenter myself with what I was  saying when I was rambling on there and then got distracted. Please come back to my brain. Yes, so I have episodes that I have recorded for the new year, I have episodes that I'm planning,  that I'm researching and if you aren't aware I do all of this by myself. I have a mic above me  because I didn't like it being in my face and I always felt like I was hitting it with my hands  and stuff like that. I record on my phone, I do all of my researching by myself because right  now I'm not in a position to pay people to do it which I would love to have the resources to  do that however I can't right now and that is okay because I really enjoy researching  for things and I guess I have slightly moved the goalpost with my New Year's resolution for this  year and I've made it for next year instead and I'm getting ahead of myself on that. The reason why I'm doing this episode, like I've just got back on my train of thought, is December  can be a very hard month for me. Like I mentioned my birthday which is hopefully going to be more  of a celebration. I am heading down to Leeds. We are going to smash up some things and get  our frustrations out about the world because that is some well-needed therapy at the moment  to be honest and then it gets to I was gonna say the crash anniversary however I now have  an added trauma in December because last year somebody tried to break into my house  at five o'clock in the morning and even now especially as the weather has started to get  darker and things are going on in the scheme I have been getting increasingly more anxious,  more hyper vigilant, not able to sleep as much and it does really impact me in a full body sense  when all of those things are knocked off then I feel pain more, I'm more tired, I have to sleep,  I can't concentrate and it's just a process of me learning to juggle these things really so  hopefully that is not going to be a big sticking point this year I am hoping that I have things to  distract me where I am not increasingly anxious that the same thing is going to happen because  it was not targeted in any way towards me it was a case of wrong address but even then it is fucking  terrifying and this year is five years on from my accident which is huge in itself to be honest  I was told at the start of my recovery that my full-time recovery would probably take five years  in total and that was not at the point of them expecting that I would get my leg amputated that  was at the point of five years and you'll have two legs and right now I only have one because I  don't have a prosthetic however I got a call the other day and they offered me an appointment for  the day of the accident anniversary and there is actually a little Christmas party going on at the  limb services which I said I was going to attend because how do I put it the accident anniversary  for me is different to my amputation anniversary and a lot of people will have a lot of different  feelings my amputation was necessary but I also had options it wasn't a case of life or death I  had been through two and a half years with a laser off frame where I had already very much  come to terms with my decision and my accidents with my accidents my injuries after the accident  were so severe that if I had been taken to another hospital where my surgeon that did  the laser off frames wasn't available then I would have probably had my leg amputated there  and then and I feel that would have been a much harder thing to come to terms with however it is  something that there is a back and forth pull in my brain of sometimes I wish they had amputated  it because maybe I could have got my life back sooner but I'm here where I am now and all of the  things I went through with the frame and growing bones and stuff like that meant that my residual  limb is stronger than it would have been without that and yeah it is one of those things where it  happened how it happened and for me my amputation was the anniversary is sad for the amputation  because I never wanted it to come to this however it did and me getting my leg amputated meant that  I was in less pain than having 40 odd pins tearing my skin every single day every time I moved I had  a lot more freedom and mobility than I had for the last two and a half years for me it is hard  not to celebrate that however when it comes to the accident anniversary as much as I try to go out I  try to do things I try to partly distract myself but there is also a place of leaving a lot of  space for the grief and the hurt and the pain and the anger that on that day five years ago my life  totally changed when I had just fucking graduated as a nurse I thought it was my dream job and I  do feel like an arsehole sometimes because I will see people driving recklessly and they  are in an accident and they come out unscathed and it was black ice and I was driving under  the limit and I could hardly even fucking turn the radio station or change the aircon because  I didn't like having my hands off the wheel and it just at times it really felt like I was being  punished for something but I didn't know what it was a lot of those thoughts go round in my head  at this time of the year and as much as I try to give myself love and compassion and warmth  that it happened and I'm here and I survived it and my grief is valid and all of the feelings I  have are so valid it's still really really fucking difficult to be honest so I am spending some time  in Leeds I am spending some time around people who make me feel loved and supported because recently  there has been loneliness around where I am on my own a lot and I am really comfortable in my own  company but sometimes it gets to a point where I realize like outside of appointments I've not  actually seen anybody in like five or six days and as much as I get exhausted from socializing  and hanging out with people I also get a lot of good emotions I get exhausted because it's just  energy like I only have a certain amount of spoons and sometimes socializing takes more spoons than I  would like it to however I really enjoy being around people especially people that I feel  comfortable around if that makes sense and yeah I guess I just wanted to make this little short  episode to give you guys a heads up that there will be no more cripple chronicles until the start  of January as I am taking some very well-deserved time off and I am going to spend time around  people who make me feel loved and supported and who I love and support I hope whatever the  holidays look like for you that it is bearable because I know that this time of the year is  very difficult for a lot of people I guess as well with me talking about my New Year's resolution of  this year and kind of moving it to next year and having a level of understanding that sometimes I  just need to work with my body and my brain and that means not being able to tick all the things  off of the to-do list that I want to do it doesn't make me a failure and if you haven't met your New  Year's expectations for 2024 then there is always another chance in 2025 and if you are struggling  with seeing people post about all of the things that they have achieved over this past year and  you're feeling like you've not really achieved that much getting through it as a big achievement  especially with the state that the world is in it is a lot living as a human right now to be honest  people have a lot of things to worry about to feel anxious about money politics Christmas  holidays family and I think the reason why it came into my head of why I just wanted to sit down and  record today as I am actually recording this on Thanksgiving and I know that I see a lot of  people on socials kind of sharing about how hard it is not being able to be around family members  as much as they want to and also seeing stories of how people's holidays are impacted by being around  people who aren't good for their mental health and I guess I just want to put a message out there  that if you feel like that this season you're not alone you have made it through another year nearly  in a few weeks time and even if that doesn't feel like a celebration today getting through  that will feel like a celebration at some point I hope because I know it does for me and all of  the time that I've made it through and I've maybe went to bed before it even hits New Year because  I'm not bothered and I've always never really been a Christmassy person but I'm trying I'm trying to  get a bit more festive even if I still don't have decorations on my house because I'm money it costs  money I saw that there was a park near me that was giving away like actual Christmas trees from like  tabletop ones to six feet however they're doing it the day before my birthday and I'm like well  I'm not gonna go pick up a tree that's gonna make my house a mess and I've got Simba and  he would probably be climbing on it and fucking tipping it over and then I'd be picking up all  the decorations which by the way I don't have so I would have to buy them too and no thanks maybe  I've got some a I've got some chalk markers so maybe I'll draw some little like Christmas  decorations on the window and that'll be me for this year because yeah maybe next year I'll get  a tree I keep saying it and my cleaner Donna Donna my cleaner Donna and she has a Halloween tree and  a Christmas tree and she said to me to do the same thing and I thought oh that would actually  be a cute idea for the podcast like I could have a wee tree on my desk and like I could do it for  all of the seasons but again things cost money and it's just getting more expensive day by day month  by month and yeah basically that is the ramble for today I hope that whatever you are getting  up to over the holidays you have as nice a time as possible it is as stress-free as possible and  you feel a lot of love and support and gratitude around you and yeah I will see you all in 2025  take care of yourselves especially with the colder weather I will hopefully see you soon oh I have  nearly forgot I didn't do it at the start because I didn't even do an intro people will probably  think that I'm done now however I guess if you're still here and we are only probably 20 minutes in  at this point so if you're not still here I'll be disappointed but leave seasons shriekings in the  comments and please give the video a like if you have enjoyed it subscribe and turn notifications  on so you are notified when I am back in 2025 and if you would like to see any updates from  me over the time where I am taking some time off I will probably be posting on Instagram and tik-tok  at cripple chronicles pod if you have anything to tell me any stories that happened over your  holidays any run-ins you've had with friends or families or what your favorite gift was  what your favorite part of the holidays has been you can drop me an email to cripple chronicles  pod at gmail.com and like I have said before I will only share it if you give me permission to  however I will always love to just read what people send me anyway so now I am actually  finished I will let you go on and enjoy your day take care of yourself lots of love see you in 2025