Ep.88 Effective Strategies to Decrease Resistance & Stress When Household Members Don't Want to Equitably Share Chores in Midlife!

Are you tired of feeling like household chores aren't fairly divided, leading to tension and frustration at home? 

Following up on Episode 87 Instantly Reduce Household Stress and Create Calm with THIS Surprising Chore-Sharing Game!", this episode tackles the resistance around dividing household tasks equitably. 

 In this episode, we will discuss strategies to effectively deal with:

 1.Household members who are resistant to sharing chores equitably.

2.Grounding chores in family values to increase motivation and cooperation.

3.Creating a good attitude when doing chores.

 Tune in now to  use  the Chore Wars Game  to  transform your approach from Stressed  to Blessed  when it comes to creating a household  team to tackle the  chores with these practical tips and fun strategies. 

If you missed Ep. 87, Instantly Reduce Household Stress and Create Calm with THIS Surprising Chore-Sharing Game! give it a listen--it is  easy, fun and helpful. 

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

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M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

I think it's shocking to children that cleaning the house has very little to do with cleaning the house. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome back to the podcast. It's Thursday, which means I'm following up on the Inner Challenge Insights we discussed in episode 87 on Monday, focused on the game Chore War. Today we're going to talk about what to do when your beloved family members resist rebalancing household duties. I'll discuss how openness or resistance can be connected to different ages and stages of life, the benefits of grounding the Chore Wars Game in your family values, and how to update chore assignments when they've been based on traditional gender norms. MRebalancing household choresultiple times throughout our lives, yet we rarely think about doing it in a concrete way. Chore Wars can be especially effective with grade school children who love being industrious and involved in decision making. Teens benefit too, as the game reminds them of their responsibilities. Empty nesters may need to realign chores, figuring out, for example, who will mow the or cook dinner on Tuesday night. And in retirement, seniors may need to update their duties, like recognizing that cleaning the gutters may no longer be safe. I start with this to emphasize that resistance is often tied to age and stage. A first grader might be excited to help clean the bathroom, while a high schooler likely won't be. So it's insightful to look at resistance through the lens of developmental stages rather than getting frustrated when a teen rolls their eyes. Parents can recognize that this is part of their developmental phase and keep their eyes on the chore. Not the eye roll. Chore Wars can also help in households where some family members feel they're doing more than others. This is where the index cards come in handy. Instead of telling family members what needs to be done or how much you're doing, you're showing them. In my experience, once the cards are laid out, a lot of resistance fades. This happens for two reasons. First seeing is believing. And second, it gives everyone a clearer picture of what it takes to run a household. It is also not unusual for the person who feels that they're doing more to realize tasks others were doing that they had not considered. So show, not tell. I encourage parents to make it clear to their children that this isn't just about cleaning the house. It's about living according to your family values. When we ground chores and values, The purpose becomes clearer and the motivation changes. Let your children know that the main reason for doing this is not just to keep the house clean, but to uphold the value of shared responsibility. This helps prepare children for adulthood. I think it's shocking to children that cleaning the house has very little to do with cleaning the house. Many kids spend hours dreaming of becoming professional athletes or gamers, which may or may not happen. Why not put some energy into something certain? Developing life skills that will help them transition into adulthood. Skills they'll learn grade school and high school. Another family value you might want to practice is maintaining a good attitude when doing chores. The mindset we bring to household tasks significantly affects the atmosphere of the home. Play your favorite songs, talk to loved ones while sweeping the floor. There's no reason not to multitask and pair chores with something pleasurable. This can create a double dopamine hit, one for completing the chore, the other for enjoying a podcast or music while doing it. Once parents have explained the game, it's helpful to ask each child to share aloud why the family is doing this. One of the best responses I've ever heard from a child was, you don't want us to be just takers. You want us to be givers and takers. Immediately afterward, the family's 16 year old son added, Oh, this is going to be so hard for me, and his resistance melted away. How beautiful that he could recognize this challenge for himself. If your household currently runs more like a service economy, with children acting more as takers, you're essentially changing the family's culture and that will take some effort. Be honest with your children. Let them know that you've unintentionally been giving them the wrong impression about life. After all, in adulthood, they likely won't have servants. You're making changes to prepare them for real life. It takes time for children to shift from being takers to givers, and when you see them following through, be sure to acknowledge their efforts and say thanks. Expect that they will test your resolve to see if you have the backbone to stick with this new plan. When they don't hold themselves accountable, step in as the parent and use your preferred method of enforcing responsibility. For instance, you could say, Hey, if you can't do your chores now, holding in a job later will be difficult. Since you didn't complete your chores by noon today, I'll need to take your phone until you finish, because right now it looks like when you're an adult, you won't be able to afford one. Another common form of resistance occurs when chores have been divided along traditional gender lines, with one partner working full time outside the home and the other managing household duties. and the other managing household duties. Over time, as children's school and extracurricular activities become more demanding, a reorganization is often necessary to maintain balance. Once again, the index cards can be a valuable tool to update the division of labor. One side note, holidays are often left off the index cards. Even though we know they can feel like a part time job. Don't hesitate to use chore wars to share holiday preparations too. Gather the family for pizza night, break out the index cards, and delegate those holiday tasks. So what to do if a spouse, child, or household member refuses to do their fair share?Ask yourself, what would d what would you do if they broke an arm? You'd seek professional help. Someone who feels they are above contributing to the household needs help. So, don't hesitate to call in a professional to help this person get unstuck. In this episode, I've discussed common forms of resistance when using Chore Wars to balance household duties. Ground the game in shared values, maintain a positive attitude, and update the system as needed, keeping in mind the ages and stages of your family members. If an impasse persists, don't hesitate to seek professional help as it could point to a deeper issue. Thanks for listening. If you haven't listened to episode 87, I hope you do. I'll be back on Monday with another episode of Creating Midlife Calm.