Ep. 89 3 Steps to Disengage From Work So You Can Be More Calm & Present at Home
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: [00:00:00] for many people, turning work off is a skill that must be learned.
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness.
Welcome to the podcast. Today, we're going to look at how to leave work at work so you can be more present, happy, and calm at home. In today's episode, you will learn what causes work to so often intrude on our home life. You will learn an easy three step practical strategy that will help you be more present at home and ways to implement these strategies so you can take back your home life and be more present to your loved ones, have more energy for your hobbies, and return to work renewed.
20 to 40 [00:01:00] percent of employees in the general workforce struggle to turn off work thoughts at home. In high stress professions such as healthcare, law, and executive roles, this percentage can rise to 60 to 70 percent. What does this mean? That
for many people, turning work off is a skill that must be learned.
Of course, the importance of this is obvious if you're raising children.
Children benefit greatly from parents who can learn to be present and interested in them when they're together. Once I had a family in my office and their 12 year old daughter mid session said, Dad, come back. I had not caught that the father's mind had drifted away, but obviously my young co therapist had.
When I asked the dad to tell us what was going on, he shared courageously that he had had an intrusive thought about a particular contract that needed signing at work. But learning to leave work at work is equally important for those who don't have children, as well as empty nesters.
The benefits of leaving [00:02:00] work at work are obvious, but worth quickly mentioning. The number one benefit is it gives us time to nurture our relationships, first with our loved ones and ourself. When our mind and body are split, like reading to a child while thinking about emails, or having dinner with a spouse or friend, but being checked out because of work concerns, we miss out on the enjoyment of being with others, and we don't get any work done either. There's a beautiful life giving energy that happens when we are truly present with ourselves or one another.
Perhaps it's easier to notice when our presence is pulled away. We've all had experiences when we're talking with someone who checks their phone, and in an instant, the connection between you and the other person is broken. The skill we need to learn is to train our minds to be present with what we are doing and to really enjoy it. Run your own experiment for the next couple hours. Notice how often you are in one place but your mind is somewhere else. Don't be critical, just be aware. When you notice this, ground [00:03:00] yourself by moving your awareness to your feet, take a breath, And bring your awareness to the present moment.
Doing this is simple, but noticing that you need to do this can be hard. Just today, I went swimming before work. I was a bit crunched for time and was thinking about the fastest route to my morning meeting while putting my dress on. Three times I put my dress on backwards.. I stopped, moved my awareness to my feet, took a breath, really looked at my dress, and even said out loud with a laugh," this is the front." Why not have fun with our mind? It's helpful to understand that when our mind and our body are not in the same place, we actually lose time. Working on training your mind to be present not only increases your satisfaction, but will give you a little bit of time in the day.
When we train our minds to leave work at work, we become more energized. This can help us have better self care, like getting more exercise, more sleep, and eating healthier [00:04:00] meals. Being able to really leave work makes us a much more interesting person. It allows us to invest energy in community and church activities as well as hobbies.
It also gives us time to do things on our glimmer list. You know, those activities I've talked about before, where our mind gets renewed our body is used and we feel happy, such as walking in nature, bike riding, painting, watching a funny show or reading. Our mind, body, soul and relationships all need us to engage in a bit of glimmer each day.
Yes, scrolling on your phone can provide some of this, as long as it's intentional and leaves you feeling better, not worse. All of this contributes to better mental health. For many of my clients, overworking and ruminating about work significantly impacts our mental health. The last benefit of leaving work at work may be surprising. Leaving work at work actually makes us more productive. [00:05:00] Taking breaks allows our mind to rest. So we return to work with a renewed spirit and can focus more productively. If the benefits are so obvious and overwhelming, what causes overworking?
I want to state the obvious. Work is a huge part of our life. For many people, it's an ongoing process that we care deeply about. So, of course, it can be difficult to sign off every day. That's why I don't see this as a problem to be solved, but a skill to be learned. Another cause of overworking in today's world is our constant connectivity.
Many people's jobs are always within reach. I recall a workshop for managers where I promoted not sending emails and texts after work. One participant raised her hand and said, I want my employees to unplug. So when I send after our emails, I write in the subject line. No need to open until tomorrow. The room burst in laughter. I suggested she not send the email until the next work day and she realized her habit of [00:06:00] clearing her mind for sleep was causing her employees to sleep. to lose sleep instead. Another cause of work rumination is an unrealistic workload, a problem that became more prevalent in jobs with worker shortages since the pandemic. Some of my clients, cashiers at stores, have their days off routinely interrupted with pleas to cover extra shifts.
The anxiety this causes them as they decide what to do is really difficult. In some professions, there's an expectation to work far beyond the 40 hours a week. Perfectionists or overthinkers may find it particularly hard to unplug.
If this resonates with you, check out my recent episodes on overthinking episodes 85 and 86
another major cause is when you never physically leave work, especially relevant for remote workers. While there are advantages to remote work, one downside is the blurred line between work and personal life, strategies to
I think it's helpful to understand that in [00:07:00] the U. S. today, there's a real desire to have work life balance, but many companies don't put that before their bottom line. This often leaves individuals to figure it out on their own. So let me
share with you some of my strategies that have worked for my clients as well as myself.
The first step is awareness and curiosity about your personal dynamics that make it difficult for you to stop thinking about work when you're away from it. To figure out your specifics, do a brain dump and complete this sentence. I have a hard time not thinking about work because.
Write for two or three minutes without worrying about spelling, punctuation, or any feelings that surface. Often people are surprised by what they uncover, not in the first minute, but in the last two or three. You might realize things like, this project is never going to end, and if I don't overwork, I'll miss deadlines, and maybe lose my job. My boss overworks, so we all have to. Sometimes deeper issues come up, such as, [00:08:00] at least overworking helps me not think about my dad's death, or I actually don't find this stage of parenting much fun. Understanding your own dynamics will help you choose the right strategies. If writing brings up feelings of sadness, guilt, or shame, or if you feel like your mind never turns off, consider a few therapy sessions to increase your emotional intelligence and better understand your busy brain.
You can also listen to episodes 6 and 7 on managing emotions. Remember, feelings are not facts and moving through them brings us to a healthier place. Perhaps what you wrote surfaces real issues with your workplace. Trust yourself and find the appropriate confidant to discuss your situation so you can implement changes that allow you to be more present at home.
I've had many clients who put on a brave and loyal face, only to be pleasantly surprised when they met with their manager and learned that he or she had no idea how burdened they felt. Together, they rebalanced their [00:09:00] jobs. Yes, sometimes the best solution is to ask.
Other times it is to understand that the company you work for values over work, and you need to be honest with yourself about how long you want to share that value in your day to day life. So my first strategy is to understand your own unique dynamic and take the appropriate action.
Next, create an end of the workday ritual. Over the years, I have found this process very helpful to many of my clients. Just like bedtime and morning rituals help us start and end the day, a ritual to close the workday can be extremely effective. About 15 or 20 minutes before you finish, take a few minutes to review your day.
Acknowledge what you've accomplished and give yourself some credit. Rather than focusing on what you didn't get done, which only increases anxiety and makes it harder to leave work behind. Then, create a plan for the next day. Nothing too detailed, just an outline that [00:10:00] takes advantage of the clarity you have now. This helps bring closure to your current day and jump starts the next one. Next, spend three to five minutes doing a mindfulness exercise to transition your mind from work mode to home mode.
Follow your breath. Practice box breathing, or simply sit with your busy mind. Notice what is going on in your mind and body, really notice. The goal at the end of the workday is to be present with where your mind is and to allow it to gently let go of work and move into the next part of your day.
In order to do this, you have to fight off the end of the day flight from work and take a few minutes to gently transition from work to evening.
In this episode, I've shared the benefits of being more present at home.
For those of you who use your commute to do end of the day phone calls, But before you get home, do this three step [00:11:00] process a block or so before you turn into your driveway. Yes, acknowledge your successes for the day. Make an outline for what you want to do tomorrow. And then just sit with your mind and allow it to wrap up your work day and move to your time at home.
This is even more important for those of you who work in your home. Do this process in your office, but you don't have a commute. Do something that really signals to you that work is over. Change your clothes. Go for a walk. Play a song that you sing to. Create a closing ritual that really allows you to know, I am done with work for the day. Even if you have one of those jobs that you take three or four hours off and then check back in, this closing of the day so you can
Lastly, give your phone a break. Leave it in your office if you work from home or in a drawer if you drive home. This helps prevent late day [00:12:00] work, emails, texts, and messages from re engaging you.
: Give yourself and your loved ones the gift of attention. A few hours phone
In this episode, I've shared the benefits of being more present at home and the causes of being unable to stop thinking about work. I've introduced a practical three step strategy to help you create an end of the day work ritual. Acknowledge the wins of the day, outline the tasks for the next day, and do a few minutes of breath work to help your mind transition from work to home.
Learning to let go of work and be present at home is a skill that many people need to develop. Here are a few Inner Challenge Insights to help you commit to this process, which can bring significant calm and happiness to your day.
Insight number one. One of the most important ways to leave work at work and be present at home is to decide to bring your best self home. For a day or two, pretend that those you live with have to [00:13:00] evaluate you or put you up for a promotion. Dig deep and find the energy to impress them with the best you've got.
Insight number two, it can be helpful to zoom out and remind yourself that as much as you love it or need it, it is just a job.
Insight number three, try a work day where you eat a healthy lunch, drink enough water, avoid junk food, and take a 30 second break each hour from your computer, see how you feel at the end of the day. We often underestimate how caring for ourselves during the day affects us by the end of it.
Join me on Thursday for my Inner Challenge follow up to today's episode, where I'll share practical strategies for dealing with negativity and overthinking that one often engages in when you don't like or even hate your job.
You and your loved ones deserve all of you at home so choose one or two of the [00:14:00] above strategies to help you stop thinking about work.
This is your inner challenge.
