Ep.100 Coping Skills To Transform Your Shoulds in Midlife To Increase Calm When Others Get Mad and You Become Stressed & Anxious

In this episode, you'll discover what to do when others aren't happy about you transforming your "shoulds."

 When you're shifting priorities, people may resist or push back, creating a unique tension. I'll walk you through a helpful mindset shift to stay true to your decisions and maintain connections with those affected by your choices.

In this episode, you'll learn: 

1. The SOS tool—a three-step process of Spirit, Options, Select to evaluate "shoulds" and choose actions that align with your values.  

2. The balance of the "Capital I" and "Italicized  i"—how to stand firm in your identity while staying connecting and flexible in relationships with others.

3. Strategies for effective communication—how to deliver your decisions compassionately and handle any negative reactions without sacrificing your well-being.

 Thank you for listening to this milestone 100th episode! If you’re new, start from Ep. 1, What is Mental Wellness?, and join our journey to achieve calm and balance in midlife. Tune in on Monday for another episode of Creating Midlife Calm.

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

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M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

In this episode you'll discover what to do when others aren't happy when you transform your shoulds. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. Today is Thursday and I'm following up on Monday's episode where we explored the topic of shoulding on yourself. You know, thoughts like, I should lift weights, I should spend more time with my elderly parent, or I should participate in that holiday gift exchange. It's easy to get caught up in endless shoulds. On Monday, I introduced you to SOS, my coping strategy to give you an easy process to reflect on your shoulds. SOS stands for Spirit, Options, Select. First check in with your spirit. How does this should make you feel? Are you happy, nervous, oppressed, angry? Hey, if you're happy, by all means, continue shoulding all over yourself. But if you feel nervous, oppressed, or angry, it's time for some SOS because you are in distress. Look at your options. SOS. SOS. What are the other alternatives when it comes to this should? We usually can come up with two, but always push yourself to come up with three and then select which of those options aligns better with your authenticity and values. Your values are key because when we align our decisions with what our values are, it's much easier for us to stand by them. If you haven't listened to episode 99 on transforming shoulds, I encourage you to listen to it. The purpose of SOS isn't to give you an excuse to avoid necessary things in life, like paying taxes or maintaining healthy habits, but to move your spirit your mood and your behavior to a healthier place. Once you realize that you have the power to shift your mood with a little bit of self awareness and a little bit of intention, you will see just how powerful this little wellness tool is. As I discussed in Episode 99, many of our shoulds come from cultural norms and family expectations. What I want to do today is talk about when you're stuck with a should that you'd like to transform, but you're afraid that doing so will upset or anger someone in your life. By the end of today's episode, I'm going to give you a really simple shift in perspective that will help you stay true to yourself while also building a bridge with those who may not be happy with the changes that you want to make. Often this fear of other people's reactions can cause you to suffer in silence. And that causes you to not reflect on what you want or need. And when you do decide to make the change, you don't give the necessary information to those who will be affected because you're afraid that they're going to push back or not like it or get angry. One concern that I have with psychology today is its overemphasis on self. Often at the expense of relationships. You've probably heard that mental health and happiness are tied to you having healthy connections with others. I'm all for self growth, but I want to encourage you to pursue it within the context of your relationship. When transforming your shoulds, it's important to consider how these changes might affect the people in your life. A helpful metaphor I use is thinking of yourself as both a capital I and an italicized I. The capital I is you standing firmly, hands on your hips, clear on who you are what you need and your values. The italicized eye is you standing, your arms outstretched, holding onto those people in your life that you work with, live with, and care about. The italicized eye is flexible, adaptive, someone who connects with others without losing your sense of self. This is the perspective I want to encourage when using the SOS method. Let me give you an example that comes up often, especially as we head into the holiday season. Many families face conflicts around the holiday season. Who should host? Where should it be? Should we continue the gift exchange? And on and on. Sometimes these shoulds aren't questioned and they can create a lot of negative connection between family members. Family members talk about it with each other, they complain, and sometimes that makes them feel closer to each other. But it's not really healthy closeness. What I want to encourage you to do is if you find yourself complaining, take a moment and reflect. Is this a should that a small irritant that you're willing to live with, or is it a should that you actually really need to stop and consider if you need to make a change. This is where SOS comes in. When you stop and reflect on this should, You're really assessing your spirit. Do you feel a little irritant or are you actually angry? You can quickly gauge if an issue is a significant problem just by assessing your spirit. Let me give you an example. Let's say your family has a longstanding 50 gift exchange, which totals up to 100 if you have a spouse. In recent years, it's become a financial strain for you, but you have continued out of obligation and a fear of upending this holiday tradition. You find yourself venting to one of your friends about how your siblings have so much more money than you and they don't even think about 100 as being significant or how this is such an environmental waste to be giving grown adults gifts that they don't really need. This is a sign that this is a should that you want to reflect on. Your spirit is telling you something needs to change, like setting a boundary. So you think of three options you could drop out of the gift exchange. You could ask your family to lower the amount, or you could suggest a white elephant gift exchange with items people choose from their home. You choose the option that feels right for you. For the sake of today's example, I'm going to walk through this process where the person chooses the option that they're going to drop out of the gift exchange. Once you select that option, just sit with it for a couple minutes and see what your spirit does. If your spirit feels relieved, then you know, okay, I need to proceed. But if your spirit feels sad and you can feel a resistance, you can go back and select another option. But for the example today, let's say you're going to drop out of the gift exchange. And when you sit with the option of dropping out of the gift exchange, you're filled with fear and tension because you know that there's going to be some conflict with your siblings. In the past, you might have paid the 100 to avoid the tension, but this year it's really not possible. Moving through shoulds can be hard, especially when your decision affects others, but remember it's possible to stand firm in your decision, capital I, while considering the impact of others, italicized I. What I experience often Is that people can have such a hard time deciding to set the boundary that once they decide to do it, they just inform people to get it over with. What I want to encourage you to do is slow down a little bit and do a little pre work before you inform your loved ones. that you are making a change. What I want you to think about is how will this decision impact them. Try to anticipate what they might say, what they might do, and when you give them the information that you're making this change, try to incorporate that information So decide if you're going to send a text, call an email, given that it's a group of siblings, probably an email or a text would be better and include in it enough information so they get decent idea as to why you're making this change. You might send something like, We are really looking forward to the holidays and spending time with all of you. We wanted to let you know that we're not going to participate in the gift exchange this year. It has been a fun tradition, but we have some unexpected expenses and it is better for us to step out of it for the next few years. We'll let you know if our future situation changes. Thank you so much for understanding. This has been a hard decision and we hope that you'll support us. The key here is that you are acknowledging that you enjoyed it that your decision impacts them, and you're helping them understand that this is something that you've actually put thought into. You're telling them what they can expect in the future, and you're asking for their support to accept your decision. This may not be easy. Some family members may Text you back and say, Hey, we'll lend you the a hundred bucks. It's no big deal to us. We really want everyone involved. Others may text you back a really intense criticism. It's natural to feel hurt by these reactions, but resist the urge to flip your hurt into anger. Instead, before you respond, ground your feet, put your hands on your heart and for 90 seconds, do breath work. I actually did this with a client in my office who had a very similar situation And what was so interesting, after about 60 seconds, she looked up at me and she said, Oh, my brother is always like that. He's just contrary. When we set a boundary, we want to be able to inform other people, not only of the change that we have decided to make. But it's also helpful to acknowledge what their role has been, and to also give them some clear ideas of what you will do in the future. Sometimes we make a change forever. Sometimes we make a change for a month. lastly, to invite them to support you. When we are that clear, it helps people feel free to not have to respond to us, to not have to fix our problem. Transforming your shoulds starts with you getting clear inside of yourself and ends with you being clear with those outside of you that are impacted. You may be thinking, Hey, MJ, this is just a holiday gift exchange. What about the bigger shoulds? Should you pay for your child to go to a private school that you really can't afford, or should you move your elderly parent close to you, or should you stay in this marriage? Those are big, big shoulds and what I have learned in working with my clients is that these bigger shoulds, become easier to work through if you practice. on the smaller ones. Then you get experience and confidence that you can then apply to these larger ones. Some shoulds will fade away with reflection, but others will demand your attention and transformation. As you begin looking at your shoulds, remember that change doesn't happen in isolation. It often impacts others. If a should makes you feel apply SOS. But then consider how your decision will affect those around you and communicate it clearly. Don't be surprised if they push back. Often, your decision to change comes out of nowhere to them and they haven't spent any time expecting it. But stay your course. Be your capital I. But stay rooted in your italicized i compassion and connection. In this podcast, we've explored how you can use the SOS tool to transform your shoulds while also being aware of how some changes and decisions you need to make for you can impact others. I've offered some strategies for how to deliver that information with clarity and compassion to those impacted that can aid you in being able to stand firm in your choices while maintaining healthy connections with those around you. Thanks for listening. I do want to celebrate that this is my 100th episode. I invite you to go back to the beginning and listen to episode one, What is Mental Wellness? My podcast is a labor of love integrating my 31 years of teaching mental wellness and my 38 years of clinical work. Thanks for listening and I'll be back again on Monday with Creating Midlife Calm.