Ep. 105 How Embracing Social Anxiety & Stress During Midlife Can Make Your Holiday Season Brighter

What if, instead of battling social anxiety, you could approach it with kindness this holiday season?
With holiday gatherings right around the corner, social anxiety can feel especially overwhelming. This episode tackles how to face these events with practical strategies that make social interactions feel less intimidating and more manageable, offering a new approach for anyone who tends to dread social situations.

In this episode, you will learn:

1. Three specific coping skills for grounding yourself in the present when social anxiety hits.

2. How to reduce feelings of dread by "tending and befriending" anxious thoughts instead of fighting them.

3. Practical ways hosts can make gatherings more comfortable and welcoming for guests with social anxiety.

 Press play to learn simple yet powerful techniques to navigate holiday gatherings with more ease and confidence this season!

Listen to Fan Favorite  Ep. 89 3 Steps to Disengage From Work To Be More Calm & Present at Home

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

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M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

Instead of fighting it? What if you socialized with your social anxiety this holiday season? Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. As we approach the holiday season, I want to do a short, and helpful, episode on easy ways to manage social anxiety. If this is something you struggle with, the sense of dread may already be building. By the end of this episode, I'll define social anxiety and share three helpful coping skills to help you reduce anxiety as you move through the holidays. I'm also going to offer a tip for all those of you who are hosting, because in 2024 America, it is very possible that some of your guests will bring more than cheese and crackers with them to your house. They may also bring their anxiety. And as always, I'll wrap up with an inner challenge that you can use to manage social anxiety this holiday season. The simplest way I can define social anxiety is by sharing a conversation I had with a couple a few years ago. The husband didn't want to go to Friendsgiving and his wife was just exasperated with his habit of backing out of social events. I asked each of them to write down what they remembered thinking at a family birthday party that they had attended that weekend. Here's what they wrote. The husband described his experience like this. My heart was racing while I was getting ready. I changed my shirt because I was starting to sweat and my pits were gross. When I walked in, I immediately looked for my father in law because I knew he was going to come up to me and be really critical that my football team had lost the day before. I just went to the bathroom, I had to catch my breath, and I thought, What am I doing here? This is so painful. His wife's experience could not have been any more different. She wrote, I walked in, I noticed the smell of candles I set my dish down on this beautiful table cloth. And I wondered, wow, is that from Target or Crate and Barrel? I was so excited to see my mom. We hadn't caught up in a while and I knew this was going to be a relaxing family day. Same event, two completely different experiences. Social anxiety is difficult. If you don't have it, thank your lucky stars. And if you do, keep listening. Because social anxiety is something that has to be managed. And the more you learn how to manage it, the less it will manage you. What is social anxiety? It's a persistent fear of being judged, criticized, or embarrassed in social situations. And this, of course, is going to be worse during the holidays because you may have a lot more social situations to attend. Social anxiety often leads to excessive worry and lots of physical symptoms like racing heart, sweating, difficulty speaking, or the fear of starting a conversation. All of this really interferes with daily life and relationships, not to mention holidays. Social anxiety has many causes. It can stem from genetics, negative past experiences when you were teased or bullied, or a tendency that you may have to focus on the negative. Often people who suffer from social anxiety tend to be overthinkers. If that's you, I invite you to listen to episode 85 on overthinking. It can be such a useful tool at this time of the year. People with social anxiety are often hyper aware of what others might be thinking, causing them to feel judged. One of the really common things that I see with someone who has social anxiety is they tend to get what I call out of their lane. Instead of simply walking into the house and smelling a candle scent they walk in and they're imagining what others might be saying or thinking about them. And often they're assuming that it will be hurtful or critical. If you don't struggle with social anxiety, Take a moment to imagine what that's like. You're walking into a room, feeling armored up, or ready to protect yourself from the worst, instead of being open to a pleasant experience. It's really tough. If you have social anxiety, understanding it and working on it is incredibly helpful. Just like you might prepare to bring a dish to a Thanksgiving meal, you can prepare to manage your social anxiety. I encourage you to approach it first with compassion, a mindset I call tend and befriend. Yes, I'm encouraging you to socialize with your social anxiety, to try to decrease your avoidance as well as minimize that critical voice that often is part of social anxiety. Anxiety is often a body based reaction to the mind drifting out of the present moment. Maybe your mind is leaping ahead, picturing your uncle saying something that will trigger you. Or it's stuck on a memory of your mom criticizing your child last year. Your mind is no longer in the present, is instead creating stress about the future or revisiting the past. When social anxiety strikes, try to approach it gently. Instead of letting anxious thoughts spin out of control, acknowledge them with compassion. Say something like this to yourself, Ugh, here it is again. This is hard, but I can handle it. Then, get social with your anxiety. Say out loud to yourself, unless you're in a public place, then just think it. Hi, scary mind. I know you're afraid about going to mom's for Thanksgiving and I know you're worried she's gonna be critical of your child. This is hard. I feel for you. I know this sounds silly, but this simple acknowledgment can cultivate a compassionate mindset towards social anxiety. It may not feel true right away, but the act of saying it can help shift your mindset. One of the really interesting things that I see in a person who has social anxiety, who's also parenting a child, is they tend to be Very empathetic with their child's anxiety. So I'm not encouraging you to learn a new skill. I'm actually asking you to turn that skill that you use with your child onto yourself. Not just this holiday season, but all year long. So, understand that cultivating this compassionate mindset is foundational. You don't have to do it in a day or two, but a little every day goes a long way. Let me give you some practical tools that you can use this holiday season. Number one, when your thoughts start creating scary scenarios Ground yourself by focusing on something external. I call this notice on the outside. Plant your feet, choose an object to focus on, and breathe. For example, let's say you get anxious in the checkout lane at the grocery. Redirect your mind from worrying to noticing the loaf of bread right in front of you. Perhaps you'll notice, oh my God, there's like 12 fonts on this loaf of bread. Or you'll look at the details of ingredients. This grounding practice can be done anywhere and really is an essential tool for managing social anxiety. The second skill that I want to recommend. is go for a walk. If your thoughts start spinning, choose movement over rumination. Say to yourself, sorry, anxious thoughts. I'm leaving you behind now and I'm heading to the great outdoors. As you walk, move your awareness to your feet. Feel them hit the ground. Notice how they move one step in front of another. Feel free to call a friend, but don't talk about your anxiety. Or play a song. Helping you take back control of your mind. The third skill I want to encourage you to use this holiday season is set boundaries. Be aware of your triggers. If political talk at the table is a stressor, just gently excuse yourself. Go play with the kids or take a break. If you know you're okay for the first few hours, but start feeling uncomfortable as people drink more, plan to leave when you need to. If someone says something hurtful, take a break in the bathroom. Ground yourself and allow yourself to feel hurt for a moment. You can even put your hands over your heart. What you will notice If you allow yourself to feel and move to those emotions soon after the event, is that your mind will get clearer and instead of thinking that comment was about you, you'll be like, Oh, that's my brother. He only says negative and judgmental things. If you're a person who tends to pick up on others feelings, use notice on the outside periodically to stay present and avoid getting swept up in someone else's energy. Social anxiety often causes you to feel judged by others. A powerful coping skill is to shift your focus outward soon after arriving. Ask the host, Hey, how can I help? Offer to play with a child so a parent can take a break or have a one on one conversation with someone. I call that skill, Shrinking the Room. Anxiety fades when you're engaged in play, work, or conversation. Try to see the humor in how social anxiety draws your focus inward. Remember, anxiety is part of the fear family. And the job of fear is to protect you, but it's your job to recognize when a threat is real and when it's not. If you're hosting this holiday season and know some of your guests struggle with social anxiety, help them feel included by involving them in simple tasks. Ask them to pour water, Give them a hug when they arrive and let them know that you're so glad that they've joined you. These small gestures can make such a big difference. In this episode, I encourage you to prepare for the holiday by doing more than just cooking and baking. I want you to really have a plan to help you manage your social anxiety. I defined social anxiety, explained the value of tending and befriending, and shared three coping skills. Notice on the outside, walking and setting boundaries. I also encouraged the hosts to make small inclusive gestures for anxious guests. As your inner challenge, choose one of these skills to prepare for the holiday ahead. Thanks for listening. I'll be back on Thursday with a 4 minute meditation to help you ease into your holiday events.