Ep.122 3 Proven Coping Skills to Outsmart Your Smartphone and Decrease Stress & Anxiety & Reclaim 2 Hours a Day for Midlife Calm

Do you ever feel like your smartphone is outsmarting you? 
Want to gain two more hours in your day and decrease your anxiety?

In this episode, you'll discover: 

1.  How the simple 3-step ACT plan can strengthen connections with yourself and others while easing tensions between parents and children over phone use.
2. Why creating daily phone-free time can boost your mental health, productivity, and relationships.
3. The simple but powerful habit of keeping phones out of your bedroom for better sleep and a more energized start to your day.

Press play now to uncover a proven three-step strategy to outsmart your smartphone and regain control of your mental, physical, and relational health.

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

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M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

In this episode, you'll learn my three part plan on how to outsmart your smartphone, giving you two hours extra a day, decreasing your anxiety, and increasing your calm. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. It's Thursday and this week, we're focusing on how to use your cell phone in a way that doesn't increase anxiety and depression, interfere with your relationships, or reduce your productivity and overall health. The smartphone is only 18 years old, so it's no surprise if you're struggling to use this tool safely and effectively. By the end of this episode, you'll learn my three part plan to help you and those you live with build an infrastructure for managing the devices in your life in a way that maximizes their benefits while minimizing the negative. This plan applies to phones, tablets, laptops, all the tech that we love, In episode 117, I shared the science behind how overuse of smartphones disrupts your mental, physical, and relational wellness. I also gave you an inner challenge to understand the science and use it as a motivator to create a healthier phone use plan. If you haven't listened to that episode, I encourage you to do so. If you have family members that might think you're overreacting, I would encourage you to ask them to listen. It's a lot of valuable information in a short period of time. I was a therapist for 20 years before the smartphone was invented. I feel as though I've had a front row seat to the positive and negative impact of these devices. When used appropriately, they're wonderful. However, the science has shown us, a little later than we all probably needed it, that smartphones are intentionally designed to sync up with your brains, making willpower alone insufficient to combat their overuse. Overuse is generally defined as more than two hours a day for teens and adults. Also, if you look at overuse practically, a simple explanation of overuse can be they're getting in the way of you functioning at the level that you want to, day in and day out. Overuse leads to increased anxiety, lower mood, decreased self esteem, strained relationships, and even physical issues like weight gain and eye strain. I intentionally have chosen the term infrastructure. Just as cities rely on infrastructure to function effectively, safely, and enjoyably, you can create a personalized infrastructure for your individual, family, and workplace device use. Think of this infrastructure as adaptable to the geography of your life, tailored to your needs and resources, with regular updates and repairs as necessary. Your infrastructure won't look exactly like your neighbor's, but it will be something that you and your family rely on in order to be able to use devices in a safe and healthy way. My three step plan is summarized in the acronym. ACT yep. Let's act on this and let's find a way to have these great devices in our life in a healthy way. The A in ACT stands for Awareness. Awareness of the science. Awareness of the science behind smartphone use is the first step. When you begin to understand how these devices affect your health and relationships, you will feel motivated to create a plan. Without a strategy, Overuse is inevitable. Overuse can lead to increased anxiety, irritability, lower mood, as well as strained relationships. It also diminishes the pleasure that we used to get from once enjoyable activities. Overuse, can often lead to unanticipated issues like spending too much money, a pornography addiction, or lower self-esteem. Like smokers in the 1950s, many of us are likely on a continuum of overuse or addiction before fully recognizing the consequences. However, unlike cigarettes, which are always harmful, devices can enhance our well being when used wisely. What's the takeaway? Be aware of the science and commit to creating a healthier relationship with your smartphone. C stands for Create phone Free Time and Curate what you watch. The American Medical Association has these guidelines. No screen time for children under two years old, unless it's FaceTime with a loved one for a little bit. One hour a day for children aged two to 12 and up to two hours per day for teenagers and adults. With that in mind, I encourage you to create Phone Free Time. Why? To improve your mental health, to increase your focus and productivity, enhance your sleep, strengthen your relationships, encourage mindfulness, and break the habit of constant phone use. Essentially, it's about reversing the negative impacts of excessive phone use. Take a moment to notice your reaction when I made the suggestion that you create phone free time. Yes, approximately two hours every day of the week where you and everyone you live with agree to be off your phones. What's your reaction? Is your first reaction, this is impossible. My kids always text me when they need a ride. Oh, there's no way I can't have access to my phone. I have aging parents. Or, perhaps you have a boss that never stops emailing you or texting you. It's natural to feel a resistance when you're thinking about creating a change in your life. I want to encourage you to give yourself a few minutes and move through your resistance. Ground your feet, feel the resistance in your body, and take some breaths. This will help clear your mind, and then I want you to write down all the reasons why you could never have two hours of phone free time a day. Then I want you to ask yourself these two questions. How did people manage this before cell phones? They planned ahead with their children. They agreed on times to exchange information. Or They informed others when they wouldn't be reachable, like telling your boss, Hey, I'm not going to be able to be reached between six and eight. We do this all the time in other areas of our life. This, to me is an example of how the phone has inappropriate power over us. The thought of having two hours a day without it feels really uncomfortable. The second question I want you to ask yourself, if someone offered you a million dollars to find two hours of phone, free time a day, could you do it? Your wellness is worth a million dollars. I want you to treat your resistance as a normal part of this process, but don't let it derail you. Instead, create a structure that works for you. Inform those who need to know that you won't be checking your phone between specific hours, at first it will be hard. I've done this with a lot of people, and everyone says the same thing. It feels as if something is missing. But the long term benefits are worth it. Just yesterday a client told me that ever since she has created her infrastructure, she is getting things done around her house that she has put off for years, and she feels so much better. In fact, to quote her, I feel so much lighter. Now, here's the big question. Where should you put your phone during these two phone free hours? As you know, it can't be in your pocket. Many clients I've worked with choose to leave their phones in their cars. Others put them upstairs or in a drawer. One client recently said to me, now that it's winter, I can't leave my phone in the car and I'm back to scrolling at night. I need a new plan. This exchange demonstrates three things. One, how addictive this little device can be. She sounded a bit like some clients I've worked with who have drinking problems. Hey MJ, it's New Year's Eve. I have to have a drink or in this case it's winter. I can't leave my phone in the car. It's fine if you don't want to leave your phone in the car, but the point is you've got to put it somewhere where it's very inconvenient for you to go look at it during your phone free time. The second point I want to make about this conversation I had with my client is it is important to have a backup plan. With almost no thought, she said, I can just leave it upstairs. The third is the value of a physical boundary. If you understand the science, then you know as calls and texts come in, the phone is alerting your brain. If you know the science, then you understand it is not about willpower. The way that you outsmart your phone is to have a physical boundary because your phone is far enough away that you don't even know what's happening. Interestingly, more and more of my clients with children are turning to lock boxes for their devices, as well as college students that I'm working with. The family agrees on what would be the phone free hours, and all the devices are kept in lock boxes during that time. I cannot tell you how much empathy I have for parents of this generation, who are spending so much time setting boundaries and arguing with their children about these devices, these lock boxes are a simple solution and can save so much time and so much stress. If you're a parent getting ready to give your child their first cell phone, I recommend that you don't give it as a gift. Since doing so sets the stage for a constant conversation where the child says, But this is mine. I can use it like I want. You gave it to me as a present. Instead, help your child understand that this phone has a big learning curve. And that you are going to help them learn how to use this phone in a healthy way. Start with lock boxes from the very beginning. Phones and tablets should be locked up all the time except during the hours where you are allowing your children to use them. At first this may feel extreme, but if you've sat with as many parents as I've had, parents who have limited time with their children and want the space between them and their child to not just be talking about these devices, you can see how important and effective this can be. As adults, we struggle with phone use. So it's no surprise that kids struggle with it. I've come to believe that lockboxes for devices are as essential as gun safes are for firearms. Both send a clear message. These tools can harm you without proper monitoring and training. Creating phone free time is possible. You can do this, and if you can find other families to join you in this effort, that is even better. The second part of the C is curate your feed. Your phone's algorithm is deciding what you see, so it's important to be intentional about your digital diet. If you want to learn more about how algorithms shape your experiences, check out episode 95, where I discuss this in the context of the political divide in our country. Thank you. Remember, you are what you eat and you are also what you consume on your phone. Be picky about what you and your loved ones allow into your minds. Let me share a quick story. I was visiting my nephew and his 9 year old son YouTube video of someone playing a video game. My nephew, being the awesome dad that he is, stepped in and gently said to his son, it's time to get off. His son, on cue, said, why? His dad explained, I don't think watching someone do life is as good as you doing it yourself. Be selective. You have one mind and it deserves content that is life giving, not life draining. If you're not sure what life giving means, let me explain. It's activities that are engaging, positive and intentional, not mindless, negative or overly passive. Sure, a little mindless content is fine occasionally, but don't be naive. The algorithms are designed to keep you hooked. So you have to outsmart them by curating your feed. Now to the T. I have saved the best for last. Take the phone out of your bedroom. Now, notice your resistance to this idea. I've recommended this to hundreds of people in the last decade. And every time I've received the exact same response. I can't, it's my alarm. Here's the good news. You can buy an alarm on Amazon or thrift store for under 10. The bad news, you'll find every excuse not to do it, which just proves the science correct. Let me address some of the common objections I hear in my office. My kids are out late. Okay. And they might need me. No problem. Plug your phone into the hallway. Because what my clients have taught me is when they wake up at 2am, they're probably not going to go get their phone. I use meditation or white noise app to fall asleep. Place your phone in the hallway away from the blue light and use earbuds or do your meditation in a chair before you wind down. If you're using a device 60 to 90 minutes before bed. Chances are you're overstimulating your brain, which might explain why you need a meditation app to fall asleep. Consider investing in a white noise machine instead. I like to read on my device before I go to bed, go back to books Getting your phone out of your bedroom has incredible benefits. You'll avoid the temptation to scroll at night or first thing in the morning, which not only improves your sleep quality, but actually allows you to get out of bed and get your day started in a much more productive way. You'll also avoid late night texts or emails that can get your brain spinning when you should be relaxing. By putting your phone to bed 60 to 90 minutes before you sleep, your body's circadian rhythm can function more effectively without being hijacked by overstimulation. Think of it this way, would you leave a bowl of M& M's on your nightstand? Of course not. It would be too much to ask of yourself to not eat them. Notice your resistance, write it down, and let your better angels guide you to tuck your phone in somewhere else. In this episode, I'm encouraging you to create an infrastructure to outsmart your smartphone for the sake of your mental, physical, intellectual, and relational health. I shared my three-step plan ACT be aware of the science, create daily phone free time. Curate what you look at and take the phone out of your bedroom. Remember, your phone should serve you not the other way around. By taking these steps, you're reclaiming time, focus and calm for what truly matters in midlife. Thanks for listening and I'll be back on Monday with another episode of Creating Midlife Calm.