Ep. 126 The Incredible Way Mel Robbin's 'Let Them' Theory Can Help You To Navigate Midlife Stress & Anxiety with Confidence

Have you ever found yourself caught in frustration over someone else’s choices?

 Whether it’s your partner glued to their phone or a coworker missing deadlines, other people's behavior can trigger anxiety and stress.

In this episode you’ll discover:

1. Why letting go of control over others often brings up unexpected emotions—and how to address them.
2. Practical strategies to move from “Let Them” to “Let Me,” shifting your focus inward for personal growth and clarity.
3. How shifting your focus from others' onto yourself can help you achieve growth and clarity in your relationships

Take back your emotional energy today—press play and discover how the “Let Them” mindset can help you create more calm and control in your life!

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

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MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (4) 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how one simple phrase can transform your midlife anxiety into confidence. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. Today is Thursday, and I'm following up on Monday's episode where I introduced you to Mel Robbins simple and fun theory, Let Them. This concept encourages you to release the need to control others, an act that can bring both immediate relief, and surprising challenges. In today's episode, I'll explore why you feel the urge to control the consequences of letting go and practical steps to transform Let Them into Let Me, Because that's where your real power begins. On Monday, your inner challenge was to notice the next time you found yourself caught up in someone else's choices or actions. For example, telling your spouse to wear gloves because it's cold, or texting your friend in frustration because once again, your boss is late. I encourage you to take a deep breath and ask, Can I control this? If the answer is no, you are to say, Let Them. And give yourself permission to stop being their life coach. How'd it go? This practice can feel simple and empowering. Maybe you were in traffic, someone cut you off, and instead of getting upset, you said, Let Them. You took a few breaths to calm yourself down, refocused, and went back to enjoying your audio book. Or perhaps one of your kids complained at dinner, and instead of getting defensive and going into the lecture about how hard you worked to make this nice meal, You simply said to yourself, Let Them, sparing your family meal from unnecessary tension. If you did this, well done, you're already embracing the spirit of this theory. But what if it wasn't so easy? Maybe one of your kids is dealing with addiction. Your boss keeps texting you after hours. Or your spouse is glued to their phone. You tried to say Let Them, but instead of calm, you felt a surge of anxiety, judgment, or even anger. Often this happens because the other person's behavior is triggering something uncomfortable with you. Rather than confronting these emotions, you may instinctively try to control them to ease your discomfort. Did you hear that? A lot of times when you want to control, the real reason is you don't want to deal with what's going on inside of you. Let's explore some examples of when Let Them feels more like a boomerang than a kite. A metaphor for the emotions that come back to you. First, let's talk about addiction, an incredibly painful situation for anyone. Perhaps someone you love deeply is struggling with addiction. Encouraging you to say, Let Them, may seem absurd. But consider this. Has your begging and pleading worked out? My rule for addiction is one and done. Sit down with your adult loved one and have an honest conversation about your concerns and the reality around their behavior. A client of mine recently faced this with a friend who would get drunk and hide at social events, embarrassing everyone. I encouraged her to write a heartfelt script, revise it, and be compassionately honest because this conversation would only happen once. She wrote her letter, revised it, and at the end, she said, If you want to heal from your addiction, it's your choice, not mine. Afterward, she took a deep breath and said to herself, Let Them. This was not freeing like a kite, but more like a boomerang, bringing back waves of uncertainty, sadness, and grief. At this point, the real work began. Noticing. naming and taming the emotions that arose within her. Controlling others often stems from avoiding these uncomfortable feelings facing them connects you to the truth of the situation. Often an outcome you don't want and it transforms Let Them into Let Me as in Let Me do the inner work to navigate this pain. course, the inner work to figure out how to be in relationship with this person, given the decisions they make around their addiction. Another reason Let Them can be difficult is the belief that your way is the best way. Early in my marriage, my husband and I disagreed on how to make chicken and rice. Yes, chicken and rice. We'd been married maybe three or four weeks. I stirred the soup into the rice while he said, no, no, it should be poured on top. Being a newly trained family therapist, I asked him, How does your mom make this dish? Soup on top. Though this is a trivial debate. We discovered one of life's secrets. There are many ways to do things. If you're someone who constantly suggests or correct others, stop it. Count to 10, keep your mouth shut, and say, Let Them. Remember, there are hundreds of ways to make chicken and rice. a successful financial planner. He genuinely cared about his clients, but struggled with seeing friends and family make poor financial decisions. Despite offering sound advice, they continued to overspend. His frustration kept him up at night. Together, we worked on him accepting his limited influence. One day, he had an epiphany. Who do I think I am? I am just one person. He did what I call is the practice of right sizing himself. This realization allowed him to release the pressure he placed on himself, which he then put on others. His Let Them transformed into Let Me, and he took off the robe of being overly responsible. And with that came freedom. This is the secret to Let Them. When you embrace the process, rooted in respect for free will, Let Them can evolve into Let Me. Let Me notice, name, and tame my feelings. Let Me reflect on my reactions and validate the truth of the situation. Let Me learn how to live when others and life don't give me what I want. This shift allows you to reclaim your energy and refocus on your life. Talk about taking back your power. For example, a client whose husband was always on his phone discovered that her Let Them moment was tapping into deep feelings of abandonment. By addressing these emotions. She realized that she could invite her husband to do activities together, rather than nagging him to get off his phone. She sat in my office and she laughed at herself and said, I had the power all the time. I just had to use it. Sometimes we're funny creatures. So Let Them, two simple words that can be instantly freeing or challenging when the boomerang effect happens be brave. Notice, name, tame and aim. Your internal reaction toward, Let Me, this inner work fosters growth. improves relationships and helps you live with less anxiety and more calm. If you want more information on how to manage your emotions, check out episodes 53 and 54. In this episode, we continue to explore the power of Mel Robbins Let Them Theory, diving into some reasons why you may feel the need to control others, And how letting go can transform your relationships. and bring you inner peace. From practical examples of addiction, differing opinions, and family dynamics, you discovered how to shift your focus from others to yourself, turning Let Them into Let Me. By embracing this mindset, you can do the inner work necessary to grow, improve your relationships, and cultivate a life with less anxiety and more calm. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Monday with more Creating Midlife Calm.