Ep. 216 Why Midlife Stress and Anxiety Push You to Over-Function or Shut Down

Are you constantly doing too much—or pulling back because you feel too drained to care?
These midlife stress patterns are your body’s natural way of managing anxiety, not personal flaws.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.    What it truly means to over-function or under-function when anxiety and stress take over.
2.    Why these patterns are nervous-system responses—not fixed personality traits.
3.    How to recognize your own pattern so you can begin moving toward emotional balance and calm.
 Take 9 minutes to understand your stress patterns and find your first step back to calm—you’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how midlife stress and anxiety can quietly pull you into two extremes

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:07

Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:31

Welcome to the podcast. Have you ever found yourself doing everything for everyone or at times doing nothing at all because you feel too drained to care. If so, today's episode is for you. Maybe you recognize it. You are the one who holds it all together until suddenly you can't. Or you've had those days where everything feels just too much, so you check out completely. Both moments come from the same place. This might surprise you, but it's your body's attempt to manage stress. In this episode, you'll discover what it means to be an over or under functioner. Why these patterns are stress responses, not personality types, how to recognize your own pattern and begin moving towards balance. Let's start by defining the two overfunctioners. Take charge. Under stress. They organize, fix, manage, and anticipate everyone's needs. Under functions, when stressed, pull back, they freeze, avoid, become indecisive or use substances to relax. Neither is right or wrong. There's simply different nervous system responses to anxiety. I learned about these patterns when I was a young therapist, Dr. Murray Bowen, a pioneer in family systems theory. Describe these patterns that appear when stress arises. He first noticed them in families. One person over functions while another under functions, but they also play out inside each of us. You might over function at work taking responsibility for everything than under function at home. Feeling too depleted to engage and stay on top of the normal tasks of home life. It's an emotional seesaw that tries to create balance, but the more energy you give in one direction, the less you have left for the other, and you get stuck in rolls. That quietly reinforce each other. Here's the part that most people miss. These roles aren't personality traits. They're coping patterns, and they change depending on the context. might be an over functioner at home managing schedules, handling finances, rescuing your kids, or jumping in when others drop the ball. Then at work you might under function, procrastinating, zoning out, or feeling paralyzed by decision fatigue. This flip happens because your nervous system is wired to seek balance under stress. It amplifies what. Ever pattern helps it feel most stable, whether that's doing more or pulling back, your nervous system doesn't see roles. It senses imbalance and tries to restore order. That's why it's more accurate to think of over and under functioning as adaptive responses, not character flaws. And that's not just a theory. I see it every week in my office. Let me tell you about one client whose story might sound familiar. A few months ago, I worked with a woman who could run an entire department without breaking a sweat, but couldn't keep up with her family's laundry. Sound familiar? She was a director who found it nearly impossible to say no. 10 hour days were normal. Then she'd rush to the store at night because she hadn't time to do the wash. She beat herself up for not cooking for her messy house, for not having it all together. One day she said something brilliant. If I started work at noon, my home life would get my best energy, but by the time I get home, I have nothing left to give. That moment of insight shifted everything what looked like over responsibility. Was really anxiety in disguise trying to restore a sense of order. Both over-functioning and under-functioning are just that ways we manage uncertainty when life feels out of control. So how do you recognize when you're in one of these roles? Asking yourself, am I taking on more than my fair share because I feel anxious when others struggle. Am I doing a lot because I'm worried about what people think of me? Am I pushing for change to happen quickly because I hate living with uncertainty or as I often ask my clients, are you out of your lane taking on responsibilities? That don't belong to you. That same client noticed progress the day. Her direct report missed a deadline, and instead of saying, here, let me fix it, she stayed silent. That was a big step. Let's look at how to identify. Under-functioning, do you find yourself pulling back because you feel overwhelmed or hopeless about what's expected of you? Because sometimes. The over functioner becomes the under functioner when the body simply has hit its capacity. Both questions reveal your body's stress story when anxiety spikes. Overfunctioners, seek control to feel safe under functioner. Seek relief to feel safe. The motive is the same safety, but the behaviors look opposite. Understanding this can soften your judgment and make space for compassion. You can move from anger and irritability to admitting this is really hard because here's the truth, we all oscillate between the two. Sometimes even within the same day. As you listen to this, are you recognizing yourself in either role or perhaps both roles? Please don't judge it. These are ancient survival strategies. Your nervous system's, way of keeping you safe. Awareness is the first sign. Your system trusts you enough to notice. That's why this isn't about labeling yourself. It's about learning your pattern so you can choose differently. Recognizing when you're doing too much or too little. Helps you return to what psychologists call equanimity, a steady emotional balance that lets you stay grounded, calm, and connected even when others aren't. This week's Inner Challenge is about curiosity, not judgment. Notice moments when you. Start to over function, maybe jumping into fix plan or smooth things over. Then notice moments when you under function, avoiding, numbing, withdrawing, or hoping someone else will decide. Not because you don't care, but because your body needs to recover. Simply observe. Ask yourself what emotion. Thought or situation has pulled me here. One client, after working incredibly hard on a project, didn't get promoted. He began to pull back, showing up late, missing deadlines. When a coworker said, you don't seem to care anymore. What's going on? He was stunned in therapy. He realized he wasn't surprised about the promotion. It had gone to someone with more seniority, but the disappointment had quietly triggered under functioning. Reflection builds awareness. And awareness builds choice and equanimity is a choice, a coping skill that is built from the inside out. One that is learned, and that's what we'll explore on Thursday. In this episode, you discovered that over and under functioning are stress responses. Not personality flaws that these roles shift depending on context, relationship, and anxiety, and noticing your own pattern is the first step towards emotional balance or what I call midlife equanimity. So take a breath. And let yourself off the hook today, And every time you notice your pattern, you are already beginning to create more midlife calm. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Thursday with more creating midlife calm.