What Is Love? (And Why Most People Get It Wrong)

What is love… really?

We talk about love all the time, but when you actually stop and try to define it, it’s not as clear as we think. Is love just a feeling? Is it doing what makes you happy? Is it always affirming someone?

In this episode of the Speaking Your Lingo podcast, we slow down and ask a deeper question: what is love—and what does it actually look like in real life?

We break down some of the most common ideas about love in today’s culture and show why they don’t hold up when life gets hard. Then we build a clearer, more grounded definition of love—one that goes beyond feelings, beyond convenience, and beyond cultural trends.

If you’ve ever wondered:
 • Is love just a feeling?
 • Does love always mean affirmation?
 • How do I actually love people well?
 • What does the Bible say about love?

This conversation is for you.
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Key Idea:
Love is not just something you feel,
it’s desiring and pursuing what is best for another.
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Scripture Referenced
 • John 15:12–14
 • 1 Corinthians 13:4–7
 • Ephesians 4:15
 • Proverbs 27:5–6
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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So let me ask you a question. How would you define love? And not just what it feels like, but what it actually is. Because if we're being honest, that question is a lot harder than it sounds. And we all feel like we know what it is until we actually try to explain it to someone. We use the word all the time. Think about it. We say things like, we love people, we feel love, and we talk about it like we understand it. But when you really stop and think about it, it's not that clear. And that matters because you can't truly love someone well if you don't actually know what love is. You can't do it in dating, you can't do it in friendships, you can't do it in your family. And so what I'm saying is if our definition of love is off, then the way that we love people is going to be off as well. And I think that's exactly where a lot of the confusion comes from. So today, what I want to do is I want to slow this down and I really want to wrestle with it. And if you're new here, my name is Shane Lingo. This is the Speaking Your Lingo podcast, where my goal is to help this generation think well through Christianity, culture, and the world around you. So if you want more conversations like this, make sure to hit that subscribe button below. With that, today we're talking about love. How do we define it? What does it actually look like in real life? And maybe just as important, how do you know if someone is truly loving you? And how do you know if you're loving other people well? But before we talk about what love is, we've got to clear up a few things that it's not. And this is because our culture talks about love constantly. But a lot of what it puts forward as love doesn't actually hold up when things get real. So let's start there. What is love not? And to start, love is not just a feeling. As we've talked about on the last episode, feelings matter. They're real, but they're also inconsistent. They can go up, they can go down, they rise, they fall. And if love is just a feeling, what happens when those feelings fade? What happens on the hard days? What happens when you don't feel anything? And here's the point if love is only a feeling, then it can't last, right? It goes away. Think about a day where you just didn't feel like yourself. Okay. Yet you still had to show up for someone. And when you think about it, that's when love becomes real. The second thing that love is not is love is not doing what makes you happy. That's another one that we hear often in our culture today. It's a loud message. Follow your heart. Uh, do what makes you happy. You deserve it. But if love is centered around my happiness, then the moment that you stop making me happy, I'm out, right? I'm out of the picture, I'm gone because that's how that type of love works. And we see this attitude all the time. I think it's one of the reasons that divorces are so high in our culture is because people have fallen into this lie. And I think that explains a lot of modern divorces. Now, I'm not saying every modern divorce is based on the fact that people believe this lie, but I think a lot are if you really look into it or if you have those conversations with people. And so when love only does what makes you happy, that's not love. That's self-interest wearing the mask of love. And so here's where it shows up a lot. And this is the third one. Love is not the same as attraction or infatuation or lust. Attraction, it's powerful. Infatuation, it feels intense. But these things are often about what I can get from the other person, not what I can give. They're fast, they're emotional, they're exciting, but they're also really shallow and they don't last on their own. They can be a part of romantic love, but they can't be, they can't be the main thing, right? And so when attraction and infatuation are the only focus, it's exciting, sure. But if that's all you've got, then your relationship is basically like a roller coaster with no breaks. It's not going to end where you want it to end, right? So it can't just be infatuation, it can't just be lust, it can't be these other things sometimes that we can fall into when we think about what love is. All right. Now, this one, this might be a little uncomfortable for some, but fourth, love does not always mean affirming someone. And for a lot of people today, that's that's exactly what love is. Love means you see me, you hear me, you stand with me, uh, no questions asked at the end of the day. Whatever it is that I believe about myself or about reality, your job ultimately in this view of love is to affirm it. And so, in other words, love means affirmation. And in this view, if you love me, you essentially agree with my view of myself, whatever that is. And this isn't just an abstract idea. You hear it in the way that culture's biggest voices talk about it. Here's one example that Lady Gaga gave when she was describing what she thinks love looks like.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

And I just want to say tonight that trans people are not invisible.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Now, I just want to be clear. It's it's not my goal to pick on Lady Gaga because this isn't about one person. This is what our culture puts forward as love. But notice what's being said here. She says, trans people are not invisible. And so what's being communicated isn't just visibility, it's that love means full affirmation. In this case, affirmations of someone's chosen identity. But let's listen to the rest of it.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Trans people deserve love. The queer community deserves to be lifted up. Music is love.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

So, again, the idea that the trans community should be affirmed in their beliefs and lifted up. And I want to be careful here because I agree that people shouldn't be ignored, people shouldn't be dismissed, shouldn't people shouldn't be treated like they don't matter. Every person has dignity, every person has value. But where the disagreement actually comes is this that culture teaches that love requires us to affirm every belief about identity. And that's just not true. In fact, I would argue that the opposite is true. It's unloving to encourage people to live out false beliefs about their identity. And that's because the idea that you have a different gender than your biology is ultimately harmful for those individuals who hold that idea. But let's keep going because she also said this. She said, trans people deserve love. And I actually want to slow down that thought for a moment and kind of think about it. Because you hear things like people deserve love, or again, the idea that love is affirmation. Love is accepting someone as they choose to define themselves. And here's where I want to be really clear. I agree that every person deserves love, but we just mean very different things by what that is. Because if love is defined as always affirming someone, never challenging, never questioning, never disagreeing, then love gets reduced to this sort of just agreement. And that's a problem because love actually does the opposite. Love allows space for disagreement, especially on important topics like identity and sexuality. And so my concern with defining love this way is that disagreement is often quickly labeled as hate, which then in turn makes honest conversations like the one we're trying to have, it makes that a lot more difficult. So if love is just affirmation, then love can never tell the truth. But real love cares too much to stay silent. And real love tells the truth, even at times when telling the truth is ultimately hard. Because if you think about it, if you truly love someone, you don't just want them to feel good. You want what's actually good for them. And sometimes that means telling the truth, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's not what someone wants to hear in the moment. And if we remove that from love, and if love can never challenge, it can never critique, it can never um hold people accountable, then really it stops being love and it becomes something else altogether. Now, finally, number five love is more than a chemical reaction or a social tool. One of my favorite movies is Interstellar with Matthew McConaughey. And if you've ever seen the movie, love is kind of like the central focus of the movie. Listen to this moment from the film. Love has meaning. Yes, social utility, social bonding, child rearing.

SPEAKER_00 8:46

We love people who have died. Where's the social utility in that?

SPEAKER_01 8:51

None. So at this point in the movie, Cooper defines love as just social utility, social bonding. Kind of this idea that love is nothing more than an evolutionary mechanism. And it's challenged in the movie, but this view is a view that many people actually hold. And I would say, yes, there are biological processes happening. Yes, uh, emotions and attraction manifest through these physical components. But if love is only chemistry, then it's just a reaction. It has no real meaning, it has no real purpose. And if that's the case, we shouldn't really use the word love at all. But I think deep down, we all know love is more than that. Because love is tangible, it's meaningful, it matters, and it points to something deeper, something bigger than ourselves. And so I'm saying that love is real, right? And so if if love isn't just a feeling, if it's if it's not happiness, if it's not attraction, if it's not affirmation, if it's more than chemicals in our brains, then we have to ask, what is it? Because here's the reality if our culture is wrong about love, then a lot of us we're trying to build our lives and our relationships on something that won't actually hold. And and that's a problem because love isn't just a small part of our lives, right? It shapes everything, it shapes how we treat people, it shapes how we handle conflict, it shapes how we show up in friendships, in families, all of it, all of life really is centered on love. It it matters. I think Interstellar got it right. It is the central theme of life. So if we're gonna get this right, we need something more solid than feelings. We need something more stable than what our culture puts forward, something more stable than chemistry and things like that. So the question again is what is love? And here's ultimately how I would define love love is desiring and pursuing what is best for another. So that means love isn't passive. It's not just a feeling you have, but it's also not less than that either. Think about someone you really care for, someone you'd give time, energy, or even sacrifice for. That feeling is only a shadow of what love really is, right? Because love does involve your emotions. You do feel something when you love, you do desire what's good for someone, but it doesn't stop there at the desire. Love moves, love acts, it goes after what is best for another, which means you're not just reacting to people, you're intentionally seeking their good. And that good, that best, it isn't something that we get to define ourselves. Because if if we do, if if we get to define it, then love just becomes whatever we want it to be, whenever we want it to be it. And it doesn't make it a real tangible actual reality. But real love is shaped by something that is outside of us, right? There's an objective reality outside of us. This is something where we would say, yeah, that objective reality is that there is a God who actually defines what actual good is. I mean, he is goodness himself. And so again, love is pursuing and desiring what is best for another, but that best is defined by God. It's something where even when it's hard, even when it costs you something, it's that type of love. And this is exactly what we actually see in Jesus. In John 15, he says, This is my commandment that you love one another just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. That's the clearest picture of love that we have. Love gives, love sacrifices, love moves towards the good of another, even at the cost to yourself. And then in 1 Corinthians 13, we're given a picture of what that kind of love actually looks like. And so the Apostle Paul says this love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude, it does not insist on its own way, it is not irrable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Now notice that love and truth are not in conflict here. Real love, as it says, rejoices with the truth. So if love is defined by truth, then love can't just be affirmation. Because affirmation without truth isn't actually loving. If something is harmful or something isn't aligned with what's good, real love doesn't celebrate that. It cares way too much for that. That's why in Ephesians 4, we're called to speak the truth in love. Not truth without love and not love without truth, but both of those things working together. And Proverbs says something really powerful as well. It says this better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. So, in other words, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is say something hard. And sometimes the most unloving thing you can do is actually stay silent. So, if that's what love is, then what does it actually look like in real life? And I think you can break this down into three simple things. Now, that might be too simplistic in one sense, but these are at least three great places to start. And the first is this love tells the truth, not harshly, not arrogantly, but it tells it honestly. Because if you care about someone, you care about what is actually good for them. And that means you don't just say what they want to hear, you actually say what they need to hear. Because if love is only affirmation, then it can never tell the truth. And if it can never tell the truth, it can't actually love. That's why scripture says we speak the truth in love. Think about it like this: if you're a parent and you gave your child something harmful, thinking that it was good, that doesn't make that action loving. Because sincerity isn't enough. Maybe you were trying to be loving, but if it's not grounded in truth, it can cause harm. Because love isn't just about the intention, but it has to be shaped by what is actually good, and it has to be shaped by what is actually true. The second one is love seeks their good, not just their feelings. So love seeks their good. This is where love pushes back against the do what makes you happy, because real love isn't centered on you. Instead, it asks, what is actually best for them? What is actually best for another? Not what's easiest for me, not what keeps me comfortable or keeps things comfortable in the relationship, but what actually truly helps the other person. Sometimes that means being patient when you're frustrated. Sometimes it means showing up when you don't feel like showing up. Sometimes it means putting someone else before yourself. Sometimes it's just holding someone accountable, even if that makes that other person mad at you. And I think we've all had experiences like the one I just mentioned mentioned. But again, it's easy to get confused because of these ideas that our culture pushes forward, these false ideas about love, to where we forget that no, wait, it's not just about not offending people, and it's not about making sure people are happy with me, but it's it's doing what is in the best interest of them. That's the kind of love that Jesus modeled for us: a love that gives, a love that serves, a love that sacrifices, not necessarily a love that makes everyone happy with us. Okay, number three, love is willing to cost you something. It's easy to say that you love someone, especially if it doesn't cost you anything. When it's convenient, when it's comfortable. But the moment that it costs you something, your time, your energy, your pride, your money, that's where real love is actually revealed. Because if it doesn't cost you anything, it's it's probably not love. It's more like something like convenience, it's it's a preference, it's comfort. But real love, it costs you time, it costs you energy, it costs you pride. Sometimes it costs you the relationship, but love is willing to pay that price because it cares about what's right over what might be comfortable. And ultimately, that's what we see on the cross love that gives everything for the good of another. So love tells the truth, it seeks what's actually good, and it's willing to pay the cost. That's what real love looks like. So let me bring this back to you for a second. If this is what love actually is, not just a feeling, not just affirmation, not just doing whatever makes you happy, but desiring what is good for another, then that changes how we live. It changes how you treat your friends, how you show up in your family, how you handle disagreement. And honestly, it forces a harder question. And that question is am I actually loving people well? Because it's easy to say we love people, but do we tell the truth? Do we actually seek what is good for them? Even if seeking what is good for them is uncomfortable. Are we willing to pay that cost? You know, are we willing to pay, you could call it the comfortability cost? Because we ultimately sometimes, in order to love people, often I feel like in order to love people well, we have to step outside of what is comfortable for them, what's comfortable for us, in order to do what is good and what is best for those people. Or on the other side, are we just calling something love that's easier, something that's more comfortable, something that is more about us? Because the clearest picture of love, as I think about it, it's not found in culture, it's found in Jesus. A love that tells the truth, a love that seeks our good, and a love that ultimately is willing to give everything. And if that if that's what love is, then love isn't soft, but it's actually strong. And it's not shallow, it's it's deep. And it's not always easy, but love is always worth it. So the question isn't do I feel love? It's this am I actually loving the people in a way that's true, in a way that's good, in a way that's real. That's something that's worth thinking about this week. And if you want more conversations that help you think clearly through things like this about Christianity, culture, worldview, again, I want to encourage you to subscribe to this channel because that's really the goal of what I'm trying to do here. But more than that, I want you to take this with you to love people well this week, based not on how you feel, but based on what is actually good. With that, I want to say, as always, thanks for listening, and I'll see you on the next episode.