Stop Believing Everything You Think: The Truth About Limiting Beliefs

What do you think is the biggest thing that's holding you back from living the life you want to live? From becoming the person you want to be?

It's you. Just like the Taylor Swift song. "It's me, hi. I'm the problem. It's me."

Technically, it's your limiting beliefs. The stories you're telling yourself about yourself about why you're not good enough, why you can't do something, why the life you want to live  isn't possible for you.

In this week's episode, we're discussing limiting beliefs: what they are, how they were originally programmed, and how you can push past them to make midlife your best life. Laurie will also walk you through a quick exercise to help you rewrite those limiting beliefs, so you'll want to grab a piece of paper or your journal to take notes on while you listen along.

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Transcript

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In this week's episode of the School of Midlife podcast, we're talking all about limiting beliefs, what they are, how they're holding us back and how we can push through them to make midlife our best life. This is a good one you're going to want to download it so that you can listen to it again and again. Let's get started. Welcome to the School of Midlife podcast. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson. this is the podcast for the woman who has everything she always thought she ever wanted career family, home cars, designer handbags, but now it's midlife and she can't quite shake the feeling that something is missing in her perfect life, that she was made for something more. She's wide awake at 2:00 AM asking herself big questions like: what do I want? Is it too late for me? And what's my legacy beyond my family and my work? Each week we're answering these questions and more. Let's make midlife your best life. Welcome back to the School of Midlife podcast, where we share all the ways to make midlife your best life. I'm your host, Laurie Reynoldson. Can you believe it's March? We're three months into 2024, and that doesn't even seem possible to me. It's true that the older we get the quicker time flies, which is why on today's episode, we're talking about limiting beliefs. We've looked limiting beliefs before on the podcast, but they seem to keep coming up, but we're revisiting the topic because a lot of you--myself included-- are working on big transformation this year. And we're battling that little voice in our head that's trying to keep us safe. Keep us in our comfort zone. Keep us from making those big changes. And one of the most effective ways that little voice keeps us in our place: limiting beliefs. It may sound odd to you that many high-achieving women can be held back by limiting beliefs. But think about it this way. Midlife women are oftentimes staring down big life changes in careers, marriages, transitions relating to kids leaving the house and parents getting older. That's in addition to hormonal changes and fluctuations due to perimenopause and menopause, when our brains are literally rewiring themselves. So we can experience brain fog and anxiety and depression sometimes for the very first time in our lives. Midlife is also when we realize that there's only so much time left. That we get one shot at this life, and at some point. We have to start looking out for ourselves. We've been so good at taking care of the needs of everyone else around us. But when is it time for us to focus on ourselves for once? We start thinking about that in midlife. Like our own mortality is actually a thing that we, we haven't thought about before. We've always just assumed that we have plenty of time, so we put off the things that we most want to do until later or some day or when the time is finally right. But just like the first two months of this year have flown by, we finally realized that the time is now to figure out what we want to be when we grow up, which means many of us start contemplating big changes in midlife. And we start thinking about and overthinking about our options. We start wondering, should I make the leap? Should I make the change? Am I cut out for it? Should I start over or should I stay and tough it out? And it's because of the season of life that we're in and the questions that we're finally asking ourselves, that we start running into limiting beliefs. We start kind of butting heads with them. To level set, let's start by talking about what a limiting belief is. Limiting beliefs are negative or irrational thoughts, assumptions, or perceptions that we hold about ourselves, about others or about the world around us. And a couple of things that I find so interesting about limiting beliefs. Number one: they're generally not true. Number two.: Their only purpose is to make us question ourselves and hold us back from what we're going after, from what we are working on, from where we are moving from, where we are now to where we're going in the future. And they keep us stuck. They keep us stuck by feeding this incorrect and oftentimes negative narrative to us about ourselves. Those beliefs often stem from past experiences, oftentimes when we're very young that we don't even remember learning the lesson that ultimately became a limiting belief. Or we could have learned them from social conditioning. What society tells us to think or believe about ourselves or a situation, or they can, they can be self-imposed. What we think we can or can't do. However they're formed, they can significantly hinder our personal growth, our success and our overall wellbeing. Basically a limiting belief is a thought or perception about yourself that holds you back from reaching your full potential. They are self sabotaging beliefs. They're not true. But we buy into them as though they are absolutely true. We say things like that's just the way it is. That's just the way it's always been. That's just who I am. And you might notice a fixed mindset there, right? Things are a certain way and there to no getting around it. They just are what they are. And that's because limiting beliefs make you feel like your talents and your abilities are fixed. When in reality, we have so much room to grow if we let go of old, outdated, or untrue ways of thinking about ourselves, Okay. Let's let's talk about a little science here. Your subconscious brain remembers everything. You thought it was only your mother-in-law who remembered everything you may have done wrong or incorrectly. Right? Well, that's not exactly true. Your subconscious brain literally remembers everything even more than your mother-in-law. And it catalogs all of that information for future use because the function of the subconscious brain is protection. To keep you safe. So those feelings of fight or flight? Those originate in the subconscious brain. Because your brain remembers when you were in a similar situation previously. And since its job is to protect you from the same or similar dangers in the future, it remembers what happened before, and it knows exactly how to protect you moving forward. Which is great for protection. Bad for stepping outside and doing new things, though, because the brain knows that it can protect you for keeps you in that comfort zone. But like a similar saying a comfort zone is a beautiful place to be, but nothing ever grows there. So, if we want to grow and change and have new experiences, we've got to get outside of that comfort zone. Which means we need to tell the subconscious brain, I understand that you're trying to keep me safe. But I can take it from here. I've got this one. So. How do we learn limiting beliefs in the first place? Our brain is 25% wired at birth and get this it's 75% wired by age three. So not completely wired, but 75% wired by age three, which boggles my mind. It also means that our subconscious brain remembers all of those slights or put downs or wounds inflicted upon us as little girls. When things happen to us when we were really young. Oftentimes before we're even old enough to remember them. Our subconscious brain remembers. It's keeping score. All of those past hurts and trauma experiences, even if they're not capital T trauma, they are all absorbed into our bodies and cataloged by our subconscious brain. It thinks, oh yeah, I have seen this before. I remember what happened then. And I know exactly how to protect us this time. But here's the problem with the subconscious brain as it relates to big changes in midlife. It wants to keep us safe, which means it wants to keep us in our comfort zone. So it just underscores those limiting beliefs. It shouts them higher. It shouts them louder to remind us anytime we are on the precipice of a big change. It says things like. You can't get a new job in your forties. You're too old. Limiting belief. You're not smart enough to make that change. Limiting belief. You should just stick it out until retirement. Comfort zone. It could also say things like you can't get divorced in your fifties. You're not worthy of someone else's love. Limiting belief. I mean, who would even love you at this age? Another limiting belief. You should just stick it out and stay married. Comfort zone. See, limiting beliefs and actions. See how they keep us stuck. Common examples of limiting beliefs, that many midlife women experience at one time or another: I am not good enough at my job, at being a parent at being a wife, I'm just, I'm not good enough. Or I'm too old to start something new. Or to start over. I don't have enough time or money to do the things I really want to do. I'm not smart enough. I can't do it. I'll never accomplish my dreams. Or these that the break, my heart. I'm not worthy of love. Or success or happiness. And when we think those things about ourselves, we tend to stay put. The subconscious brain wins. It keeps us in our comfort zone, so instead of facing our doubts or concerns Or quieting those limiting beliefs. We just stay put, we don't try the big thing. We don't make a big change. We don't change our thoughts about something. The key to moving forward is taking those self-limiting thoughts and beliefs and consciously reshaping them. I remember how I mentioned that the brain is 75% wired by age three. What I didn't mention is that you can absolutely rewire your brain. Move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Literally change the way you think and what's possible for you. So that when you are facing big change or transformation in midlife, You can actually make that a reality that you don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to stay where you are. Unless you want to, but if, if you are thinking that you're stuck, you probably want to do something different. So, what does this look like in real life? Here's a real life example for you. Mike and I were in Sun Valley over the weekend. They finally received the snow dump that we've been waiting all season for. Nine inches of snow during the day on Friday, another eight inches overnight. So skiing on Saturday felt like a lot for my legs because even though it's March, it was my first day skiing for the season, which is crazy. Right. I'm not, I'm not sure why, but it doesn't matter how much dry land conditioning you do before getting on skis that first day on the hill it's murder on the legs. So we had this great day of skiing on Saturday, went out for an early dinner and then relaxed at home on Saturday night, watching our Alma maters. Both Boise state for Mike and Gonzaga for me play basketball, not against each other, but they both had games at night. We watched both games. They won both of them. So that was great. Not the point of the story here, not why i'm telling you about what we did over the weekend but here is why. when we're driving home, I asked Mike, did you ever think we would own a place in Sun Valley? And his answer was no. And I was only asking him because that was my answer, too. there was no way in my wildest dreams that I would have ever thought that we would own property in Sun Valley. Why? Because we both believed that only rich people own property in Sun Valley. And we believed that wasn't us and couldn't be us. It's it's so interesting to me that we both had that same belief, which is rooted in the lessons we learned about money from our parents. So two kids in two different states with different families, and we subconsciously learn the same lessons about money, about earning it, about having it, about spending it. We, we don't have enough time in this episode to dig into all of that, but we will talk about money mindset on another episode because it's fascinating and it informs so many of our midlife decisions. But back to the condo. So. Instead of paying attention to that limiting belief, we changed the way we thought about owning a house in Sun Valley. We push back against those limiting thoughts. So, how do we do that? Let me first say that we had no idea we were doing this at the time we were actually doing it, that we were dispelling or limiting beliefs about money and what was possible for us when we bought our first condo in 2015. But looking back. That is exactly what we did and how, what we did can help you move past the limiting belief for yourself. First. Awareness. Identify what the belief is and where it came from. Ask yourself. Is this really true? Or is it just a story I've told myself? Then, is there a way to question and reframe those beliefs? Maybe find evidence or examples that contradicts the limiting thoughts and beliefs that you're having. Finally, change the way you think about yourself and your potential. Oftentimes it helps you use positive affirmations or visualization or manifestation techniques to reinforce new empowering beliefs about yourself and your potential. So the condo example. If we run through those three steps. Is it true that only rich people own property in Sun Valley. And that couldn't be us. No, it's not true. At the time we first bought our property in 2015. What I like to call the low end condo market hadn't recovered from the global financial recession yet. Which meant that if we were willing to invest a little sweat equity, Normal people like us could afford to buy property in Sun Valley. And our first condo was a complete gut job that we remodeled every square inch of, so we were able to buy it at a significantly reduced price. And then we figured out a way to rent it out, to help us pay our mortgage. So we hatched a plan to make it a reality because we saw ourselves. So that manifestation, that half formation we saw ourselves actually doing it, owning property that, that we could spend weekends at that we could spend holidays at the, we could enjoy. So is it true that only rich people can own property in a resort town? Nope. Not true. And not only is it not true, the property we just bought in October. So our second property in Sun Valley, a place we never thought was even possible for us to own property in the first place. That property is twice as big as our first one. On a golf course with an unobstructed view of Bald Mountain from our oversized deck and huge picture windows. And yes, it it's a complete gut job as well. It will be a while until we have enough money to start the remodel. But I'm sharing this with you today, because if there's a desire to make something a reality, You can figure out a way to make it so. You can push past your limiting beliefs and those stories that you've always told yourself, why something can or can't work for you. Let's try this. If you want to work through your own limiting beliefs, there's a simple exercise you can do. This is something I do with all of my coaching clients, as well as an exercise that we do at every best life retreat. Take out a piece of paper or your journal. The the other thing you should do, if you haven't already done it. Download this episode so that you can repeat this exercise any time you're feeling stuck, like when you're facing a big decision or a change or life transition. Instead of making a pro con list, or maybe in addition to making that pro con list, writing out your limiting beliefs will help you navigate any decision in a more authentic way. So you have your piece of paper. The first step in working past limiting beliefs is identifying them. Write down any and all limiting beliefs that you think might be holding you back. Some of you will be able to very quickly identify your limiting beliefs. I'm not good enough. I never finished anything. I don't deserve this. Or kind of related to that. Why should I be entitled to that or do that or become that. I'm too lazy. I'm too old. Whatever limiting beliefs that you're aware of, write them down. If this is hard for you, Think about limiting beliefs this way, it's a desire that you have for something new or different in your life. Coupled with an excuse or a reason about why you can't have it. So it might sound like this. I want blank, but I can't have it because blank. I want blank. That's the, that's just the thing that you want, the future life or circumstance that you want that's different than what you already have. I want blank, but I can't have it because blank. And that second blank. That is the limiting belief. That limiting belief is rooted in the story you have been telling yourself about yourself, about why you can't do. Or have, or become the thing you want. So write them all down. Pause this episode and take as much time as you need. Your list could look like this. Here's a couple of examples. I want to own a business, but I am bad at saving money or accounting. I want to lose those last 10 pounds, but I have no willpower. Or how about this one? I want to buy a condo in sun valley, but I'm not rich enough. There's the pattern, right? I want blank, but blank. And that second blank is whatever reason you can't have it. Once you have written them all down. And again, this doesn't have to be every single limiting belief you've ever thought or held about yourself. I mean, we could be here for days if that's the case. But. If there are changes that you want to make right now, let's limit the exercise to those limiting beliefs. What are the limiting beliefs that are holding you back from making that a reality? Now, take a look at your list of limiting beliefs. So the second part of your phrase, focus specifically on that second blank. And ask yourself. Is this really true about me? Or is this just a story I've told myself? About myself. Let's go back to the condo example. I want to buy a condo in Sun Valley, but I'm not rich enough. Is that really true? No, it's not because there are ways to move money around to buy the things that you want if you want them badly enough. You can always also use some sweat equity like we did. You can also earn extra income by renting out the condo when you're not using it. That, which is also what we did. So if the story I've always told myself that I'm not rich enough to buy a condo in Sun Valley. Is that actually true? And of course the answer is no. So go through each of your statements and determine if the reason that you're not moving forward or doing the thing you want. Ask yourself. Is that actually true? And to come up with examples to dispute the limiting belief and those examples are going to be things that you've already done in your life. The. You've done them before. So you can prove that that is not true. There are plenty of ways you can solve the issue that present a different way of looking at it. Like for us with a condo, it meant renting it out. Whatever you need to do to come up with the reasons why the limiting belief is not true to prove to yourself that that statement just simply isn't true. And it's not just the lawyer in me that wants you to argue against your own limiting beliefs. I want you to prove it to your sub conscious brain. I make the case to the part of your brain that remembers everything. Prove it so that the stories it is telling you. The stories that keep you in your comfort zone. Prove it to your subconscious brain so that it knows that those stories they aren't true. They're not serving you. And not only are they not true subconscious brain, but here is the list of reasons why those beliefs aren't true. Once you've made the case against each limiting belief. Then go back with your pen and cross out the limiting belief, part of the statement, like really cross it out. You want to give yourself a visual cue that not only is it not true, but your moving beyond that limiting belief. And bonus points. If you're the extra credit, more gold stars kind of woman for each limiting belief that you crossed out, rewrite a positive affirmation statement in its place. So if we go back to our prior examples, I want to own a business, but I'm bad at saving money or accounting. that limiting belief that we have crossed out the I'm bad at saving money or accounting, that could become something like I am strategic with spending money to buy things that matter to me. Right. So maybe you are a spender. Okay. That's fine. You don't actually have to save money to own a business, right? You just have to be strategic with the way that you're spending the money, the way that you're deploying the money in your business. Uh, another one we had was I want to lose those last 10 pounds, but I have no willpower. The I have no willpower statement could become something like when something is important to me, I follow through. And then of course the last one, I want to buy a condo in Sun Valley, but I'm not rich enough. The I'm not rich enough part that could become something like, there are plenty of ways to come up with money. There is so much money available. however you want to state it, there is no right or wrong answer here. But it's cool. Right? I mean, Not only have we dispelled the limiting beliefs. We've created positive beliefs about ourselves. That are based on actual experience, not something we were told when we were younger and have just taken at face value and believed our entire lives. You can discredit the thoughts that you've automatically believed over the years. You don't have to live a life limited by the stories and beliefs you learned as a child. You've learned a lot and experienced a lot since you were younger and they, well, whoever they are when they told you, you couldn't do something. Or that you were too much, or that you weren't enough. You don't have to live a life limited by those beliefs that are wrong and untrue. You are worth so much more than that. You can absolutely change your life in midlife. You can absolutely make changes that feel scary or impossible at first, or good for someone else but not for you. As we know you get one shot at this life. It's time to make massive bold change in your life. It's time to move past the limiting beliefs that are keeping you stuck. It's time to make midlife your best life. Will you do me a favor? Podcasting is such an interesting medium. I talk into a mic, I press publish on an episode and it's so hard to know who's out there listening. I'd love it if you would take one minute and leave me your review wherever you're listening to this podcast. I read every single one of them and it helps me grow the podcast so that other midlife women just like you and me Can find us and listen along. Just one minute. It would mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for being here and listening today. i will see you right back here next week when the School of Midlife is back in session. Until then take good care. Do you ever wish you had a community of midlife women who you could go to, to ask big life questions to have. Candid conversations about all of the things that come at us in midlife that no one else seems to be talking about. Well, great news. The School of Midlife is launching the, Your Next Chapter book club. Each month we'll be reading and discussing books that relate to the unique experiences of midlife women. It's free to join and we'd love to have you meet up with us and add your voice To these important discussions. Didn't have time to finish the book, but still interested in the conversation. No problem. Join us anyway. click the sign up link in the show notes and you'll automatically receive your invitation to join us. Get signed up, grab this month's book and start reading. And we'll look forward to seeing you at the book club this month where together we're helping each other make midlife our best life