The Effective Way to Change Your Spouse

Olushile and Dr. Latifat dive into a tough yet essential question many married couples face: Can your spouse change after marriage? They explore common myths, pitfalls, and practical strategies for creating positive change in your marriage. 

In this episode, they explore how to navigate behaviors, habits, or personality traits in marriage that may not align with your hopes and expectations, offering biblical insight and relationship wisdom on handling change.

Key Takeaways:

1. Affirm your spouse to nurture change.
2. Pray for their mind.
3. Embrace discomfort and patience.

Timestamps:
00:00 – The importance of intentional effort in marriage
03:22 – The slow-cooked meal analogy: Patience and effort in marriage
04:23 – Farming analogy: Marriage requires nurturing and waiting for growth
06:48 – Mastery in marriage: Effort and repetition lead to effortless outcomes
12:10 – Jesus' love as an example for unconditional commitment in marriage
17:03 – Forbearance: Enduring tough seasons with patience and faith
19:30 – Let your joy come from the Holy Spirit, not circumstances
23:06 – Marriage requires work—there’s no escape from it

Transcript

Olushile: 0:10

Hello and welcome to the Anchored. This is the place where we discuss and dive deep into health, wealth and conversational relationships centered on Christ.

Dr. Latifat: 0:20

We're not your therapist. We're not your financial advisors. What we are is a couple that truly believe that we can create marriages after God's heart. Enjoy this episode.

Olushile: 0:38

So you probably have heard this that when people never change, when they get married whoever you married, however they were, that's what you're going to get right after marriage, and there's no hope because you signed up for exactly what you got. So the question is do people ever change? Can your spouse change, or are they stuck forever?

Dr. Latifat: 1:00

I think one of the mistakes people make when it comes to getting married is if you're so overly all emotional, all in the emotions and googie googie, like you know, lovey dovey I mean there's nothing wrong with lovey dovey but like if you don't think with your mind and think with your spirit, you're hoping that something will change. When it was all written that it was never going to change, right? However, now you're at a place where you're married, you're like till death, do us part? And now you're asking yourself can this person change? Will this person change? And I think many times there are things that we do to try to help people change by ourselves, but then there's now the other side of the table that says they can never change. What is the truth? Is that says they can never change? What is the truth? Is that true that people never change, or is it true that you can change them after you get married?

Olushile: 1:55

And the funny thing is, change is inevitable. You're either changing for the positive or you're changing for the negative. Something is going on. You are constantly growing, positively or negatively. So I think what we're trying to address here is the positive change, where there's some things that you spotted Maybe you noticed before marriage, or you noticed after marriage, and for some reason it doesn't go away and you've been hoping and just trying to see. Maybe another day, another year, they get mature, they grow older, they have gray hair because with gray hair comes wisdom, right, hopefully, so that's the hope and then, but you realize that this thing is not working. This person is still stuck and I don't know how to go about this. And this is what we want to address on this episode. What are the things, first and foremost, what are the things that do not work in trying to change a spouse?

Dr. Latifat: 2:49

So what I will say is there are two different areas of this. There are the things that are maybe superficial, that are easier to change, but there are certain things, like characters, behaviors, that are harder to change. So I'm going to put my husband on the spot for a second. Oh boy, but before we got married and we've talked about it Sheila was not a good cook and Sheila did not like to dress. I remember one day I asked him what size they wore and Sheila said it wore extra large. And I'm like there's no way in God's planet you wear an extra large t-shirt. I think it was like 2X, it was 2X, 2x. And I'm'm like you're a sling, you're tall, love them too. There's no way, right, hallelujah, praise the lord that is ching. Now, my husband like dressing better than I do and he's not a better cook yet, but he's done a lot of work and I will eat his food like his food was so bad when it was single that his brother would have lived with Philly together would say don't cook for two, cook for one, right? So there are those things that are easily learnable. Skills my secrets, right. There are things that are easily learnable skills like dressing up, right? I've not always like dress in all makeup, like there are skills that are easier to change, but what we're talking about are things that are bigger and more important than that. So, for example, maybe the person you got married to is more of a passive observer and that is now affecting how you guys are showing up in your relationship. You want them to be more of an active participant in the things that you're doing. Maybe there's someone that don't normally compliment and now you want them to, to show interest in the things that's happening in the home. And there are other examples that can be bigger, grander and more important than some of those examples that I've given. But just to make sure you understand that skills are easily learnable, but we're talking about things that may be bigger than that, like the ability to show interest, the ability to show certain patterns that may be of value in your relationship. So the question really is what are the things that we do that maybe does not actually work when it comes to changing things that are important like that?

Olushile: 4:57

Yeah, exactly, because there are some things that come to us naturally, and one that I can. Just that comes to mind right now is verbally. You know, I don't want to use the word attack, but it can be a nag right when you start to nag at something and you're always pointing at what they're doing wrong. I think that's one thing, that it's a complete no-no. It doesn't work. Amazingly enough, it doesn't even work with kids. Like it doesn't work with kids. Like if you're just nagging your child and there's no point in time that you affirm or say something positive that they're doing, it will never work. On the contrary, it will actually just drift apart to the point where you're on the same bed but you're in different worlds. And so that's the number one thing nagging or verbally attacking or pointing out something that is constantly being done wrong.

Dr. Latifat: 5:56

And I will say that for many people, the reason why they nag is they feel like they are doing something. They feel better because maybe from a cultural perspective maybe that's what you've seen people do that seem to help. But if you think about it, when has nagging created sustainable difference? It hasn't. It actually just alienates the other person, prevents the home from being a kind, comfortable place. And women nag, men nag. So this is not a gender specific thing. But if you keep poking at something right, it's actually foolishness, to be honest with you, to keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different result. It's like you see a, I don't know, like a car that's trying to get against the wall and keeps pounding at the wall, keeps doing this, keeps doing this. If the wall keeps doing this, keeps doing this. If the wall is not moving, it's time to try a different strategy, right? So correction is okay. It's okay to say things like I don't like how that happened. Can we do this differently next time? What do you think we could do differently? Like that is different? But again, when all you're doing is like nagging, nagging, nagging, you can see how that can actually lead to the exact opposite of what you want in your relationship.

Olushile: 7:10

And I got to say this many times when we nag many times, the reason why is genuine, the reason why is actually concrete. There's something that is being done wrong and we just want to bring it up or point it out. I think nagging is just the way you go about it, wrongly. One of the points in the four laws of love about marriage, when it comes to communication, is to, first and foremost, realize that the person you're about to talk to, which is your spouse, that they have your best interest at heart. You give them the benefit of the doubt because you just don't know why they're constantly doing what they're doing. Because nagging is like you have an open wound and you poke at it and it just keeps bleeding. Scriptural backing the Bible compares someone who nags to that. It is actually better to run into a bear A bear whose Sometimes the Bible's funny, by the way, whose calves? have been lost. So imagine running to a mother bear looking for her calves, and then you just come about the rage, right, the anger, the what are you, and they can just rip you to pieces. I don't know how the sandwich came about. It's better to run into that person or into that bear than to be under the same roof with someone who lags. That is how bad nagging is. It just doesn't work. Now again, I want to point out that the reason behind can be genuine, can be true. Something needs to change.

Dr. Latifat: 8:46

And the question I always ask people is there is nothing right or wrong with your approach if it is given the outcome that is desired. If the nagging, the verbal nagging, the verbal, persistent poking and attacking is helping create sustainable change, then it is worth doing. However, it does not actually work. You leave the table feeling like you've done something, but not effective. No effective change has been made. So you're wasting your time, you're wasting your energy and you really are not actually making a difference. So save your energy and you really are not actually making a difference. So save your energy. Find a healthier way to have an outlet right. And the key is we have to start using wisdom when it comes to trying to create sustainable change. So nagging, verbal assault is the way that I would call it really does not work. If it worked, I would be the first to recommend it, but trust me, it doesn't work. No, it doesn't work be the first to recommend it, but trust me, it doesn't work. No, it doesn't work. The other thing that does not work I've found for sustainable change is reporting to other people or family members, or family members. It doesn't create sustainable change. It can create some change in the short term, but you cannot change someone that is unwilling, where things are not aligned, to change. So, from a cultural perspective, I saw this a lot where someone would do something and the first thing is to report them to a family member, and there's nothing wrong with getting wisdom. There's nothing wrong with consulting with people that are more mature or have a better way of existing. However, what I found to be true is reporting people doesn't actually create sustainable change. It can change things temporarily. You can feel appeased, you can feel like you've done something, and I get it. Many of the things you're trying to do is because you don't want to feel powerless. You want to feel empowered. So sometimes it's like I'd rather do something than nothing at all. But just understand that reporting to others unless it's like someone that is in a mentorship relationship that can hold people accountable for the long term, or it's a therapy as a therapeutic relationship a coach, a therapist. Those can work because you're hiring them, you're employing them to keep you guys accountable and there's a level of submission of both parties to make it work.

Olushile: 11:10

But in general, reporting to people does not work, and you just have to be careful because when it comes to reporting to a family close by or, for example, a parent, it most times will escalate or it will actually alienate the person from the family, like they would rather not have that family member come to the home again. And so now there are some rare instances where, by the wisdom that you need at that time, you need to find someone that that person respects in the family and then you go to that person. But most times, like you said, reporting doesn't work because what you're doing is you're putting the person's business out and, outside of exceptional cases of abuse, it doesn't work. What you're doing is actually hurting that person because you're saying I'm betraying your trust, what is happening in our home is not kept in our home, I'm taking it out. So the person automatically, or the spouse automatically, feels like they cannot trust you, and there's nothing that is more difficult to build than trust. Trust is one of the I think is the most important thing. That is the most difficult to build.

Dr. Latifat: 12:15

The last thing that I will say does not work is trying in your own power and strength. I mean, I almost want to give you guys a virtual hug because I know how hard it can sometimes be, but trying in your own power and strength is exhausting. However, it does not work sustainably. It can work for a short time, but it does not work sustainably, and the frustrating part of that is you're wasting a lot of energy, you're wasting a lot of time, and it is exhausting too. You're wasting a lot of time and it is exhausting too. However, trying your own power rarely ever actually works. So I think we've had a lot of fatness, which is what does not work. So what does work, what can help when it comes to changing your spouse or having your spouse change their patterns, their behaviors and maybe some characters?

Olushile: 13:07

Classic example First Corinthians Apostle Paul writes this letter. He says oh, dear Corinthians, right Grace and peace to you in the name of our Lord and Father and Jesus Christ. And then he tells them you guys are lacking in no gift. You have all the spiritual gifts. You guys are doing an amazing job. That was the beginning. That's how Apostle Paul opened that letter. But by the time you get midway you start to realize that, oh boy, these people are not healthy. There's fornication in the body. People are taking one another to court, not settling matters. And you're like wait, why did he open up with that kind of affirmation? Why did he encourage them? Why did he speak to the Holy Spirit moving in their midst and how they're expressing many things and giftings and how they're growing and how people are hearing of that church around other churches. So the point I'm making here is positive affirmation. If you just take time to pause, you would realize that there is one thing, and many times, even many things that your spouse does that they do right. They do this couple of things. They just do them very well. Now, for you it's a given, but actually it's amazing when you start to positively perform your, your spouse, to say I really I want to say thank you for what you do here. I want to say thank you for I want to show my appreciation for this. Maybe I'm going to buy a gift and say, look, thank you for you. Take care of the family. Let me make it simple. You do the laundry, like. I just want to say thank you for always doing the laundry. Thank you for always putting gas in my car Something so simple. Thank you for always cooking. Thank you for always being there for the kids. And all of a sudden, when you do this once, obviously nothing, twice, nothing. But when you start to do it again and again, what happens is it starts to soften your spouse's heart. It doesn't mean they're going to change instantly, because probably not, but they start to actually calm down, relax in your presence and maybe even start to trust you because you have been positively affirming and appreciating that. So that works.

Dr. Latifat: 15:20

You know, it's funny, when you were explaining that, the first two examples you gave of like I was like, are you trying to fish for a compliment from me? But you know, and then you strapped it. You got to sell the seed. You got to sell the seed. You got to sell the seed. And you know, there is a question that I think is super powerful. It's not a question, it's something that you can attempt to do, that can be very, very powerful. And it is verbally communicating. It's along the lines of affirmation, but verbally communicating how that activity or that thing they do positively affects you. Every time I come back and you ask me how my day was, it makes me feel like you care. So thank you for asking how my day was yesterday. You literally have planted a seed of like this is what helps me and if every time they do it, you now point it out like that, like every time I come back and you ask how my day was, it makes me feel acknowledged. Every time I come back and you ask how my day was, it makes me feel acknowledged. Every time I come back and, you know, every time the kids go to bed and you say let's sit down for 30 minutes and talk. It makes me feel like I have a partner, correct, and it just makes the rest of my day feel so much better, like I'm not alone in this world. They literally are telling you, or you could be telling them what they're doing, the effect of their action, in a way that affirms them, because what ends up happening is, most times we're doing the opposite. Well, we only complain about the negative, but we're not finding the positive. And what I remind people of is what we focus on will grow. If you focus on what are they doing wrong, you will find evidence to support that. It's something that our brain does. You come up with a conclusion and your brain will find the evidence. That's why you're going to see some people that are like why in the world would you find that person attractive? It's because they decided that they were attractive and they kept on finding the evidence to support it. Right, so words up like no one is a hundred percent great and no one is a hundred percent horrible, with exception. Some people are just like ah, the devil incarnate, right. Some people are just like let's just stop. Some people say nothing, right. But for the most part, you can find something, and I've I've challenged people in this and what I will say is, the more you've spent doing the things that don't work, the harder it will be for you to start doing what is actually going to work, and it is completely normal and expected that you will find it hard at the beginning. However, this is along the same line of mastery that I will talk about. You put in the effort and it's conscious effort. You have to like bite your tongue. You're like. You better be glad. I watched the video on YouTube on those like crazy people that told me not to like. You know the anger and cries crazy people. But the bottom line is this guys, again, wisdom. Wisdom says if it's working, do more of it. Wisdom says if it's working, do more of it. Wisdom says if it's not working, try something else. So if this is difficult and uncomfortable for you, good, that means that you're about to identify something to do differently. And remember, discomfort is occurring to change. So, as you're doing this new thing that feels uncomfortable, and using your words to build as opposed to like breaking down time it doesn't happen overnight, but over time you will start to see it's like a. It's like you have a garden and there's a bunch of weed and now you have, like, the plant that you want in the middle of it. The more you nurture that plant, the more it's going to grow, right? If all you're doing is just let it, the weeds are going to take over. So, again, what we focus on grows. And how can you focus on the good and fan it into flames so that you can now actually have it manifest and grow even more. So that's number one thing of what today is using your words to affirm the other people. It does not mean they're perfect, it does not mean that. You know and I'm going to talk to our women real quickly I think a lot of times we tend to be more perfectionistic tendencies. Perfectionistic tendencies Is that the uh, whatever, y'all got what I'm talking about. But sometimes we tend to be that way and we're looking for the perfection in everything so that we can suddenly feel like things are going to be okay, that things are okay, and what I want to challenge you with is stop waiting for perfect, because by the time perfect is going to happen, we're all going to be dead and like a hundred years old and you would have had a life that you could have enjoyed and as a physician that sees a lot of, like you know, life and also death related things happen, I cannot tell you how many times people lose their spouses and that is when they start to realize that maybe they were not like evil, completely right, maybe there were some good things. And you know, we talk about what's it called with time redeem Redeeming the time, redeeming the time Like we're all here for not an infinite amount of time. So how can we redeem the time? So that what you would say if they were gone, what you would miss and wish for when they're gone, how can we enjoy that now? Because at the end of the day, just like you know, king Solomon said, it's like all is vanity. At the end of the day, when time is gone, we're going to go. I cannot even imagine, like it's ridiculous, that I was annoyed by that ridiculous thing, right? So why don't we redeem the time and enjoy the time that God has given us? Not because they're perfect, but because now you're mastering the skill of how to isolate the plant. You want water it so that it grows, as opposed to, just like you know, talking crap about everything.

Olushile: 21:02

And the second thing that works wonders and works over time is praying for the mind of your spouse. Man praying for the mind of your spouse. It's amazing how in Apostle Paul's epistles he would always like you cannot. I challenge you to go and read Apostle Paul's letters. You would see a prayer in there, like he would sneak it in. I pray that you are filled with the knowledge of your will, of his will, in all the wisdom and understanding that the Holy Spirit gives, wisdom and understanding that the Holy Spirit gives. Like he will pray for them. That be like-minded one towards another, forbear with one another. That you may come to know the length, the depth, the height and width. Like Apostle Paul constantly would pray in all his epistles. He was setting an example that even in the body of Christ we should pray for one another. Right? There's nothing as beautiful as praying for your spouse. You see, the prayer and the health of marriage, particularly the health of marriage, is so important that Apostle Peter said in 1 Peter 2 and 1 Peter 3, if you read those two chapters, he speaks to husbands and says if you don't treat your wife right, your prayers will be hindered, right? So prayer is so important where we pray for our spouse and pray for their mind. You see the corruption, the lust, the desire, the battle is in the heart, it starts in the mind, and so you may be comforting something physically, whereas the issue is spiritual. The issue is within, it's confined, it's not seen, it's not transparent. And so one thing that we highly encourage and we've seen people we have someone even in our prayer group who said Look, I've been praying for my husband's mind and it took some time. It did, but he said something. I said, okay, that's odd, that's really nice, but that's odd. And then the next time he said something else. And then the next time he did something else. And then she realized oh wait, god is here, god has answered my prayers. He's changing. His mind is changing. He's seeing the things that have been pointing, nagging him to see. He's now seeing them without me even saying a word. He's now noticing wait, why is that thing there? We need to change that or we need to do this, we need to invest in that. And so my point is when you pray for the mind of your spouse, it does something amazing, because you have to realize that the two has become one flesh. So the person we are asking you to pray for. You are one with. So, in a way, it's like you're praying for someone, for your spouse, but in reality you're praying for yourself, because you're one. You're not separate Now. You're two physical bodies, but you're one body, one mind, one spirit, and so when you pray for the mind of your loved one, of your spouse, then you start to break the stronghold, the shackle, the chain, the battle in the mind that they are experiencing, and this battle could be something that ties them to the past. It could be something that ties them to the culture. It could be something that ties them to the culture. It could be something that ties them to their upbringing, something that was passed down to them. That, to them, is like oh, it's normal, we treat women that way. We treat yeah, yeah, women should do that and men should do this Right, whereas we don't have such culture in Christ. 1 Corinthians, 11. Right, and so the beautiful thing about prayer is it's effectual, and when you do it fervently, it does wonders. The effectual, fervent prayer of the righteous avails much, and this is something that, even when things are going well, we highly encourage you to constantly pray for your spouse.

Dr. Latifat: 24:53

It is your job.

Olushile: 24:55

It is literally your job. It's your nine to five, it's your unpaid work.

Dr. Latifat: 25:00

And I say it's your job, because who gets to benefit from it? You do Right, you do, and you know. There was something that I did recently where you know we should probably do a video about vision retreat, but we took some time away to plan and vision for next year, for 2025, by God's grace, and as I was praying and reflecting, even by myself and meditating, one of the things that I was asking God was why certain things were in my life. So why did you choose me to be the guardian of my children? Why did you choose him to be my husband? Why did you choose me to be the guardian of my children? Why did you choose him to be my husband? Why did he choose me to be his wife? And I think I told you about this and there is a reason why you are. If you're married, according to the word of God, there is a reason why you are chosen as your spouse's spouse. You were chosen, eve was chosen, adam was chosen. Like there is a reason, and sometimes we forget that all we see is just a small percentage of what actually is Right. We're so focused on the physical that we forget the spiritual part. Right, we're so focused on the physical, that we forget the spiritual part. So why was I chosen to be his wife? Part of it is so that I can pray for him. Part of it is that so I can be an intercessor for him. Right, and the same goes for the other party as well. And the way that I think about praying for a spouse's mind is if you look at this cup, how would you pray if you were praying for this cup? You start to pray for this cup as opposed to like if you were in the cup. It's like drowning. You cannot even think straight, right, but when we're in the day-to-day it's not working, it is hard, it is blah, blah, blah. We feel like we're drowning in the cup, but when you pray for the cup, you're like I well, I'm not going to pray for a cup. But you get my point right. You start, you step outside of the situation and you start to understand your assignment, that this is not just me being nice to my husband. This is me understanding my assignment as the person, the bone of his bone, the flesh of his blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood, blood. Right, you get my point. So let's not forget our assignment. Let's not forget that we're answerable to a power that's greater than us, because, at the end of the day, when I meet with God, imagine when God is like so, you know, I'm looking at the things that your husband did. You're an intercessor, did you do your job? I'm like I could not do my job because it was annoying. Like, okay, option, that's not an option. There's an answer here, right? So let's not forget that there is a calling on our lives, right? Many of us are so interested in looking for a mission, for a vision, for impact that we forget the mission that's in front of us, are so interested in looking for mission, for vision, for impact that we forget the mission that's in front of us. My job is to pray. Part of my job is to pray for shilling. Part of my job is to pray for my children, because it is not an accident that we are in each other's life and when I get to benefit, when he is a man after god's heart, I get to benefit from that. Right, and people are going to go my, my goodness, you're lucky. Well, you want to know what's happening in the secret place? I'm coming to my prayer room, my war room. Right, you want to know what's happening in the secret place, right, but also just understanding that we don't have to do this by our power, by our strength. There's no perfectionism here. There's work to be done. We're all a work in progress. We continue to grow, we continue to improve. That's how this works.

Olushile: 28:38

So positively, affirm Right, yes, and pray for the mind of your spouse.

Dr. Latifat: 28:44

These are the ways to effectively change your spouse, not in the short term, but in the way that is sustainable. And you'd go oh my goodness, who is this? I don't know. I can't wait to celebrate that with you, right? But just want to encourage you that the work that you're putting in, there's seed time, there's harvest already, right, the work you're putting in is not going unnoticed, right? But remember that you're also building the muscle. The same muscle with which you're going to pray fervently, sustainably, is the same muscle. You now become a different version of yourself. You become a man that prays, a woman that prays. And guess what? You're going to be able to pray for other people. You'll be able to pray for your children, for your nieces, for your nephews, because now you have become a warrior, a prayerful man, a prayerful woman. You have become a warrior, a prayerful man, a prayerful woman, and imagine all the amazing things that that version of you will do if you can understand that your husband or your wife is an assignment and they're just maybe the first assignment.

Olushile: 29:46

That's what you got to walk, to do for God. All right. Thank you so much. We hope that blessed you. We hope you can take that and practice it right away. Like positively affirm bite your tongue Not too hard, we don't want you. We hope you can take that and practice it right away.

Dr. Latifat: 29:56

Like positively.

Olushile: 29:56

Affirm Bite your tongue Not too hard, we don't want you to bleed If you know you're about to say something. Hold on, breathe, bear forbear with one another and pray constantly. And pray over the mind of your spouse, whether things are going well or whether things are not. Pray over your children constantly, whether things are going well or whether things are not. Pray over your children constantly where the things are going well or where the things are not, so that that way you are identified as the man or the woman who prays.

Dr. Latifat: 30:20

So who are the five people that you want to share this episode with? This has been helpful. We're sharing of what God has given us the wisdom, knowledge and ability and we would love it if you can share it as well, because the world is literally waiting for someone like you to be the bearer of helpful knowledge, helpful information. So if this has been helpful for you, please go ahead and share it, and I want you to type in the comment I will pray for my spouse's mind, I will hold my tongue, I will positively affirm and I will reap the harvest in due season. God bless you. God bless you.