Hero or Dick

Hero or Dick - S.3, Ep. 22 - Turkeys

• Kate & KJ • Season 3 • Episode 22

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Ever met a bird that sees nearly 270 degrees, purrs when it’s calm, hits fifty miles an hour, and still ends up glazed on a platter by sundown? In this episode of Hero or Dick, we move from the woods to the warehouse, dropping dinner-table facts, oddities, and a few honest guesstimations.

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~ Kate & KJ

SPEAKER_01:

Greetings and salutations.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. And hello.

SPEAKER_01:

It's Kate.

SPEAKER_00:

And KJ.

SPEAKER_01:

And we're here in the What's the name of this place? The horse uh Horsefeather Studio.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And the name of this podcast is um Frankfurters and Wieners.

unknown:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

With a side of beans.

SPEAKER_00:

Hero or Dick.

SPEAKER_01:

And I'm never saying the email address again.

SPEAKER_00:

Why?

SPEAKER_01:

Because no one emails us.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh that is not true, people. Did we get an email? Not your email.

SPEAKER_01:

Who was it?

SPEAKER_00:

E-mail. It was Cassidy and Doug, and they got some ideas. Oh.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So you want to do that now or wait? Or the ideas?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I I have it written down somewhere else, but one was uh the Vanderbilts, which I think would be fascinating.

unknown:

Just kidding.

SPEAKER_01:

They're they're they're loaded. Gloria.

SPEAKER_00:

G-L-O-R-I-A. Gloria Vanderbilt. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Remember her?

SPEAKER_00:

I do. Yeah, I knew.

SPEAKER_01:

She was at your Christmas party. What?

SPEAKER_00:

She has some jeans in the 80s. Actually, I have a pair of pants of hers that I bought. They're shorts. Oh, I thought they were 20 years ago. And good job, Gloria Vanderbilt, because they're still holding on.

SPEAKER_01:

Gotta love pants that last.

SPEAKER_00:

They're shorts for me to shoot.

SPEAKER_01:

You gotta love shorts that last. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I thought you said pants. I did, but I don't have any pants. That smells stupid. So here are dicks, season three, episode 21.

SPEAKER_01:

So you know what I was doing before you got here. I was waiting for the water guy, you know?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01:

And he showed up. He fixed it.

SPEAKER_00:

He fixed the water.

SPEAKER_01:

By the way, um, Jovi and I, Jovi's my wonderful daughter, who really appreciates the new one windshield wipers I put on her car the other day. Um, but get this. But get this. You ready for this? Um and I'm preface this prefacing this by saying I love my daughter very much. And I think we do a fine job of mentoring her, coaching her, guiding her.

SPEAKER_00:

She's a good kid.

SPEAKER_01:

But kids are kids.

SPEAKER_00:

They're still kids.

SPEAKER_01:

Um kids are kids. I said to her yesterday, you know, now that you have those nice two wiper blades, perhaps you need some washer fluid. Because she happens upon establishments that have washer fluid. She's like, Oh, okay. And so didn't talk anymore of it. Then this morning I get a notification because I uh keep tabs on some things my kids do, like spend money. And I see that she spent$7.67 at Starbucks this morning on the way to school. Like some bougie little Beverly Hills girl. And then shortly thereafter that's a cheap drink. Shortly thereafter, she texted, Oh, can you pick some pick up some wiper fluid for me? I think you just spent seven bucks on Starbucks. That's like at least two gallons of water fluid. But that's kids. Whatever. Um so did you? No. No, not yet. I probably will later. And then um the other thing was, oh, Joey is talking about her because we're her and I are gonna open this joint back up.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, good.

SPEAKER_01:

We're gonna she's gonna come into inventory and then we're gonna sell some of those paintings.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, rows and rows of pictures and there and stuff. There's jewelry, there's there's a pool of stuff in here.

SPEAKER_01:

I guess if anybody ever wants to come in here and check things out, email us. I mean, Christmas is Christmas is coming up. And there, you know, if you want to get some art, there's some jewelry, some little knick-knack things. I think those are ornaments in the corner over there. Um something. But uh yeah, okay. That means you can email us, I guess. Umgmail.com.

SPEAKER_00:

That's come on.

SPEAKER_01:

And then I'm sorry, the other thing I want to talk about. We usually BS a little bit before we get on here, but you know what other thing I was doing while I was waiting for you and the water man to get done?

SPEAKER_00:

What?

SPEAKER_01:

Scrolling a page on Facebook called Alpina Mug Shots.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh oh.

SPEAKER_01:

Have you seen that one?

SPEAKER_00:

I have not. Was I on there?

SPEAKER_01:

I no, sure. Um, but it's like scary. There's a lot of people. I mean, that many people in Alpina get arrested every day. And meth was a lot of people.

SPEAKER_00:

Math is a big problem in Alpina.

SPEAKER_01:

Beating the shit out of your spouse. Because you're on meth? I don't know. I mean, there was just uh operating under the influence, a lot of failure to appear, some sentencing.

SPEAKER_00:

Probably a lot of uh child support.

SPEAKER_01:

There were a couple. Yeah. There was one child abuse.

SPEAKER_00:

It's a lot of meth. It really is.

SPEAKER_01:

Meth, meth, meth.

SPEAKER_00:

It's sad. Don't do meth, people.

SPEAKER_01:

No, it's not something you can just stop abruptly.

SPEAKER_00:

Usually no, and it's not fun.

SPEAKER_01:

No, these people go on quests in the middle of the night.

SPEAKER_00:

It's not fun to do. It's not like a fun drug where you're gonna smoke some weed and eat a bag of Doritos. That's kind of fun. Right. Watch Pineapple Express.

SPEAKER_01:

What if it works? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But meth isn't like that.

SPEAKER_01:

No, and there's a lot of folks all over, I guess, but it's I mean, I it's in his tongue like nothing.

SPEAKER_00:

Escapism. I I get it. You know, people need to escape their not so great lives, but meth isn't gonna make that better.

SPEAKER_01:

Uh no. It it ruins your life.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And everyone around you. And a lot of this kids, your parents, your everybody.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, oh yeah. It's strangers on the street.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, and it's not I always say this and I don't I'm not a psychologist, but it's not the drug. It's the shit underneath that's making you do the drug, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

SPEAKER_01:

It's the issues, the trauma.

SPEAKER_00:

The drug's always there.

SPEAKER_01:

And so it's always like you feel bad. I'm looking at these people anyway. And I mean, nobody looks good for a mug shot. There was one guy had a pretty decent mug shot. Younger guy got picked up for drive, driving under the influence, fleeing a police officer, and he was just smiling.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, up young. You know, I think I'm invincible.

SPEAKER_01:

But the rest, you could just it's life. Man, life is just a kick in the nuts. And um But it's fascinating to look, and then you see people you know, and you're like, holy shit.

SPEAKER_00:

What I did see a mugshot of a guy who I went to school with who has a problem with math. And he looks about 25 years older than I do. Oh god. I'm not looking like a spring chicken, I look my age, but you know, it just emaciates your body.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's all right. Let's stop talking about math. Um and the other thing I want to talk about is you can't you're not supposed to feed um uh cats anymore, feral cats.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, why's that?

SPEAKER_01:

They want them to just starve and die off, apparently.

SPEAKER_00:

We're not gonna be like Key West.

SPEAKER_01:

No. I think it's kind of weird. I mean, I've I'm gonna feed them.

SPEAKER_00:

Is there a lot of feral cats?

SPEAKER_01:

Apparently. I mean, we have a couple that come around, but fucking eh, I'm not gonna let them starve in the middle of the winter.

SPEAKER_00:

And are they catching some mice for you?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I don't know. They must be maybe. I mean, they don't bother me. One's pretty nice, you know. Nobody runs away and I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

They don't want to come in your house. It's not like they're knocking on your door. Hey, can we come in?

SPEAKER_01:

If they did, I might let them in. That's how we got one of our best cats. She was astray. Um, but my point is there is a program in the Alpina area in uh around northern Michigan called TNR uh Trap and Release. Uh Brooke and I got certified in it. And so these folks will actually come uh set traps, um, catch the cats, and take them in to get them fixed. Um, because there's a deal worked out, I think, with Sunrise Side Veterinarian, and um it's a reduced cost, and usually Brooke and I or whoever is doing it with pay.

SPEAKER_00:

And then um I think they could get a program going with uh I don't know where the closest veterinarian school is, but it's like take them there here and practice.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh yeah, they kind of I took one in uh last year or the year before. Well, I took several in, and uh he didn't make it through. Didn't even know I felt bad. They called me, they're like, Oh, the cat died.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm like, oh didn't expect that.

SPEAKER_01:

No, sorry, little buddy. Anyway, long story short, is um, you know, instead of starving the cats, make an effort to, you know, uh have a solution, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, and there's people that will capture them and at least get them fixed um so that they're not creating re-release them or take them to the the shelter where they will get blocked in problems.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, right now the Humane Society was in there two days ago. It's Kitty City. Uh we're talking, I don't even know, hundreds? Hundreds.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

And the one dog named Wilbur.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But anyway, there's my Bob Barker thing. If you can't get your pets spaid or neutered, get the strays spade or neutered, and there's people that can help.

SPEAKER_00:

And if you can't take care of a cat because you're on meth, don't get a cat.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

A cat's not gonna, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

It's funny if we can we catch people and get them demethed.

SPEAKER_00:

Demethed or fixed at the very least.

SPEAKER_01:

Fixed would be good. But okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, that's another show. Uh actually we actually have a topic.

SPEAKER_01:

It is a topic.

SPEAKER_00:

What's the topic?

SPEAKER_01:

Uh turkeys.

SPEAKER_00:

Turkey. Turkey was the Ottoman Empire, known for unique geographic position.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and how did the turkey get his name?

SPEAKER_00:

I'm talking about like country.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, but isn't that related?

SPEAKER_00:

Is it? Yes. Is that how a turkey is?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, because the guinea fowl or something like that. Uh turkey, I don't know. Anyway, some folks, the Europeans that came over here, you know, uh, they thought that the turkeys here looked much like that guinea fowl animal in Turkey, and so they could supposedly call them a turkey.

SPEAKER_00:

They're only native to here in Central America.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Central America's got a pretty one. Thus what's it called? Oscillated turkey? It's got uh colors.

SPEAKER_00:

It sounds like it's on a spit.

SPEAKER_01:

It kind of looks like it. It's like a kaleidoscope. It's got um, what's that thing called? A peacock. It kind of looks similar in the colors like that, and his tail feathers are like that.

SPEAKER_00:

So beautiful tail feathers on a turkey when they spread them out and stretch about.

SPEAKER_01:

No, oscillated, it's right here.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I have it in my notes, Kate. I prepared.

SPEAKER_00:

Um And we didn't mean to make this the year of the bird, but I know we just uh talked about ducks. And we might talk about chickens. We're still trying to get chickens in this year, but it turned out to be the year of the bird.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_00:

So we'll get it out of our system.

SPEAKER_01:

What is it?

SPEAKER_00:

The year of the bird. The bird, the bird, bird, bird, bird, is the one. But I don't know what 2026 will bring.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

We'll see.

SPEAKER_01:

Thanks, everybody. Have a good day.

SPEAKER_00:

Um turkey, turkey. What else do you want to say? I will say they gobble, yes, but they also cluck and purr.

SPEAKER_01:

What come on.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't I the cluck? I wish they'd dad. Yeah, they're chicken.

SPEAKER_01:

And they purr.

SPEAKER_00:

And they purr.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, they do cluck.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I know my uh dad would turkey hunt and he had a turkey call.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I didn't I couldn't find it though. I don't think I have it anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, you were gonna bring it in.

SPEAKER_00:

I wanted it's weet, but I don't think I have it anymore.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I know that the indigenous peoples they domesticated turkeys 2,000 years ago. Over 2,000 years ago.

SPEAKER_00:

So they would follow them around and then they could eat them every now and then, or did they worship them?

SPEAKER_01:

I think all of it.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh well, yeah, I mean they worship the buffalo and deer and still ate them because they sustained them.

SPEAKER_01:

You know what? I'm taking a sidetrack again. Remember how you went and you went to the buffalo farm?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I drove past it.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, yeah. That's pretty cool out there.

SPEAKER_01:

That's really cool. It didn't stop.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, you didn't buy any buffalo?

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

We gotta go back.

SPEAKER_01:

But anyway, sorry. Um, back to the turkeys. Ben Franklin.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

He liked those turkeys. He did. Like them better than the eagle.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh so we could be eating eagle at Thanksgiving if it were up to Ben F. Ben F.

SPEAKER_01:

What did he do? We did we do him?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

We did. He was our first.

SPEAKER_00:

He was the very first.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my god, I'm sorry, Ben, if you're listening.

SPEAKER_00:

Because we did the show and then I went to England and I went by his house.

SPEAKER_01:

You did. Yes. And you brought back a pipe for me.

SPEAKER_00:

Where I actually brought back bones because that's where he wanted to people.

SPEAKER_01:

He had him in his basement. He was a serial killer.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, probably.

SPEAKER_01:

Um explain the purpose.

SPEAKER_00:

He wanted the turkey for the national bird.

SPEAKER_01:

That'd be something. Then we'd be eating eagle for Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_00:

I just said I literally just said that.

SPEAKER_01:

Did you? What's the name of our podcast? We're salty today. Anyway, tell me the purring.

SPEAKER_00:

That's all I had to do. I can't do an imitation of it.

SPEAKER_01:

Like a cat.

SPEAKER_00:

But I do also know that turkey droppings tell a bird sex and age.

SPEAKER_01:

Tell I betcha the spiral ones are male and the blobs are female.

SPEAKER_00:

You are the opposite. I bet you the males are J-shaped and the females are spiral. And the larger the poo, the older the bird.

SPEAKER_01:

No, no shit. Oh. They remember faces.

SPEAKER_00:

They do.

SPEAKER_01:

Human and turkey faces. I never forget a turkey face. Never.

SPEAKER_00:

Turkeys have an interesting face. They have. Okay. I had to draw a diagram.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my god, you did draw one.

SPEAKER_00:

So on their beaks, they have a little stuff there. It's called snood.

SPEAKER_01:

Snood. Sounds like Dr. Seuss stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

And then on the side, they're kind of bumpy. And those are called caruncles.

SPEAKER_01:

Say that again?

SPEAKER_00:

Carunkles? Carunkles? A bump of flesh that covers the neck and head.

SPEAKER_01:

I got one of those.

SPEAKER_00:

And then they have uh we all have this. Uh and if you don't have it, don't worry, you will. The waddle.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh.

SPEAKER_00:

Which is the turkey neck, basically. The skin flap between the beak and the neck.

SPEAKER_01:

Skin flap.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I know. Sometimes, I mean, skin, you're doing a good job, but sometimes a lot of it.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean the word skin flap.

SPEAKER_00:

It doesn't sound good, does it? No. And then they also tom turkeys have a kind of an extra stuff hanging from the neck.

SPEAKER_01:

Is that the technical term?

SPEAKER_00:

Called a beard.

SPEAKER_01:

The beard, okay.

SPEAKER_00:

The beard is the technical name.

SPEAKER_01:

Um they can see almost 270 degrees without turning their head, Kate.

SPEAKER_00:

Without evening.

SPEAKER_01:

If that turkey's looking at you right now, it can see 270 degrees all the way around.

SPEAKER_00:

270, and their vision is three times clearer than 2020 vision.

unknown:

What?

SPEAKER_01:

That's what So why don't we compare ourselves to turkey vision? Like you go to the eye doctor and your eyes, you got turkey vision.

SPEAKER_00:

It's like a turkey.

SPEAKER_01:

Nobody says that.

SPEAKER_00:

Nobody says that.

SPEAKER_01:

Um they detect UVA light. We can't do that.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, how do why do they how do we know that?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. Eye doctors, scientists.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. Science.

SPEAKER_01:

God. No, it's not God. Um they have uh they dream, they have REM sleep.

SPEAKER_00:

Again, I don't know how that I was gonna ask.

SPEAKER_01:

And they have at least 20, uh, aside from the cluck, the purr, and the gobble, 20 distinct vocalizations.

SPEAKER_00:

So they're talking to each other.

SPEAKER_01:

They certainly are.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

They fight, we're gonna phone. They'll fight their own reflections to the death.

SPEAKER_00:

I had a house that um had windows, like a walkout basement, so the windows were um ground level. And I was terrified one day because I could hear something hitting the window, hitting the window. And I'd look out the window and I was above the window, so I couldn't see it, but there was a turkey right there fighting with himself. Finally, I see.

SPEAKER_01:

That's silly.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Did you open a window?

SPEAKER_00:

No.

SPEAKER_01:

No. What'd you do?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh just watch them? I probably. I think he eventually gave up.

SPEAKER_01:

You know something else they'll do when they're not knocking their heads on windows and vocalizing and seeing UVA light?

SPEAKER_00:

What?

SPEAKER_01:

Um during a rainstorm when it's raining, sometimes they'll stare up so long till they drown.

SPEAKER_00:

That happened.

SPEAKER_01:

That's horrible. Not as horrible. What is what happens to them later that I'm gonna talk about?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh. Uh okay. Well, first let's uh talk about young turkeys are called. Do you know what they're called? Polts. They eat insects like candy, and they don't uh start eating plants till they're four weeks old. They just eat a bunch of insects when they're young.

SPEAKER_01:

And in the first 24 hours of their life here on this beautiful planet, which is whirling through space, they can walk and eat.

SPEAKER_00:

They can right away almost right away. It's pretty right out of that egg.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Right out of that egg.

SPEAKER_01:

So right out of it.

SPEAKER_00:

In the early 1900s, though, they almost became extinct. There were only about 200K and 200,000 left. Now there's about 6.5 million wild birds.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm glad.

SPEAKER_00:

I am too.

SPEAKER_01:

I want more wild birds.

SPEAKER_00:

I like seeing them in the wild. I don't like I wouldn't like to hit them with a car. I've never hit them, but I know people who have, and they do some damage.

SPEAKER_01:

They do, they like crossing those roads.

SPEAKER_00:

They do, and they like to go packing that gravel or whatever they need. Um they're fast. Turkeys can go 18 to 20 miles per hour.

SPEAKER_01:

Tell me how fast they can fly.

SPEAKER_00:

50 miles an hour.

SPEAKER_01:

That's flying. That's zing. Where do they sleep at night? Trees. Come on.

SPEAKER_00:

They do. But that's where do you where else would they sleep though, really?

SPEAKER_01:

Nests?

SPEAKER_00:

I don't think they make a nest.

SPEAKER_01:

I think they do, but they don't sleep in them. You're right. Yeah, they're tree dwellers.

SPEAKER_00:

Because coyotes would come and get them if they were laying on the ground.

SPEAKER_01:

You're right.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

You think they'd fight a coyote to the death or just themselves?

SPEAKER_00:

Um, they would they would fight for their life, but would they win? Probably not.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

No. Coyotes can.

SPEAKER_01:

Did you find any evidence? Coyotes what?

SPEAKER_00:

They dang up on their prey.

SPEAKER_01:

So they're wily.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Get it? Oh.

SPEAKER_00:

How many feathers do they have?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, 2,462.

SPEAKER_00:

You are incorrect.

SPEAKER_01:

How many?

SPEAKER_00:

Five to six thousand. Shit, that's a lot of feathers.

SPEAKER_01:

That's a lot of feathers. Their feathers are really pretty. But you don't know how much semen they produce. I do not. You are correct. 70 pounds of semen per season.

SPEAKER_00:

Again, how do we know that?

SPEAKER_01:

Who's working out the semen? Some guy who really likes turkeys. That's really anyway. Um and the sperm, God bless it, it can stay inside the hen for weeks. And turkeys blush, because you're blushing now that we're talking about this. But turkeys blush and their heads change color depending on emotion. Maybe after they're empty, they get a little pale. I don't know. Pretty messed up.

SPEAKER_00:

The hen is the adult female. The Tom, or the gobbler, is the adult male. A Jenny is the young female. A Jake is a young male. And we already said the pulse is the baby. Do you know how many eggs they lay per week? Four. Two to three. So yeah, you're close. About a hundred per year. A week? Two to three eggs a week.

SPEAKER_01:

So wait, okay. Now go back to that. I had read something about or heard something about why don't we eat turkey eggs? They don't lay enough.

SPEAKER_00:

They'd be bigger, but only two to three a week. I mean, but you'd only need one for an omelet.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I don't know. I've never had turkey eggs.

SPEAKER_00:

I bet you they're pretty rich. Duck ones before. Those are really rich. But yeah, I don't know. Probably got laced with semen. They don't have teeth. Which that's not really a good fact because they're birds.

SPEAKER_01:

They don't have what?

SPEAKER_00:

Teeth.

SPEAKER_01:

Not many birds with teeth.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I don't think so. Uh let's see. The average weight of a turkey?

SPEAKER_01:

The hens probably five to fifteen pounds.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I don't know. I just thought the average weight is 30 pounds.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

Which I would say at least. Yeah. The turkeys I see are pretty big.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_00:

You know.

SPEAKER_01:

I must be thinking of those pulses.

SPEAKER_00:

You're not thinking of, you know, when you get a uh frozen turkey from, you know, for Thanksgiving, it's it's it can be 30 pounds, but it's usually about 18 or 20. Which is still a bit.

SPEAKER_01:

Don't worry, we'll get into why those turkeys are so big that you buy for Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_00:

Americans will eat about 46 million turkeys this Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_01:

But that number is going to be greatly reduced after we talk about some things later. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00:

Um there's wait, well, let me say one more fact before you get gross.

SPEAKER_01:

No, no, I'm not getting gross.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, okay. California eats the most turkeys at Thanksgiving. Why? Because there's it's populated. Yeah. New York is number two, Florida and Texas. Texas.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, those domesticated turkeys, there's 240, 250 million of those sons of bitches.

SPEAKER_00:

Domesticated? Yeah. Yeah, Butterball and Plainville farms. Oh, they had scandals. They still have scandals for the mistreatment of them.

SPEAKER_01:

Workers going.

SPEAKER_00:

I'll get into it later. Okay. No, you can you can talk about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I got I got other stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

Um turkeys. I started reading it and actually had to stop because it was so offensive.

SPEAKER_01:

I'll get into it. You know, and the truth must be told, Kate.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, turkeys, though, um in pop culture. The the uh helicopter turkey drop in WKRP.

SPEAKER_00:

Remember that? It was hilarious.

SPEAKER_01:

I thought turkeys could fly. Adam's family.

SPEAKER_00:

A turkey on her head to tear up tandler. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you have more of those?

SPEAKER_00:

Well, that was the best one. Okay. The in 1989 was the first presidential pardon for a turkey at Thanksgiving, and that was uh George Herbert Walkerbush.

SPEAKER_01:

What do you think?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh now we won't talk about them. Um Mais these days, one of their uh most popular balloons is the turkey, of course, because it's on Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep. A turkey for you, a turkey for me. Adam Sandler had the Thanksgiving song of turkey in the obviously. Oh, Freebirds, a movie in 2013.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, that's true.

SPEAKER_01:

I've never seen a they say it was a terrible time travel turkey movie, but I bought that movie after it came out and I really enjoy it.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, okay. Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson. I mean, come on, Woody.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's not a bad movie, Kate. Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

They time travel to the first Thanksgiving to get the to get turkey taken off of the menu. Yeah, and they guess that is the most popular turkey movie. But you think of it, you know?

SPEAKER_01:

There's no other turkey movies.

SPEAKER_00:

There's not a lot of turkey movies. Um, the most popular book, because I always look for that, is called How about Turkeys? There's a lot of Thanksgiving ones, you know, live pity ones. Um, but one is called My Life as a Turkey. And so this guy raised wild turkeys because they imprinted on him as soon as they came out. They saw him first and they're like, Oh my god, you're our mom. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. Oh well, I didn't read it. My life is a turkey if you want to read it.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, that notion's nice. What are you doing with the Canada dry there today?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh I haven't drank it yet because I was afraid I'd belch really loud. After I brought it in, I was like, Oh, I should have grabbed my water. But I do love Canada dry ginger ale.

SPEAKER_01:

I never drink it.

SPEAKER_00:

Why?

SPEAKER_01:

And now they it just seems like something you'd mix with vodka.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, sure, but not right now. Okay. It's just ginger ale. Um but they do have the they do have the holiday flavors though. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I like the Sprite cranberry.

SPEAKER_00:

Um and Canada Dry. I think that's the brand of it. I bought like a case of three different kinds. It's like berry and oh, they're delicious. Very delicious. Good job, Canada. Is that a good thing to love about Canada?

SPEAKER_01:

Is that free range, Canada Dry?

SPEAKER_00:

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, because uh, you know, free range is a is a big lie.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, they're not like roaming the plains eating what they want.

SPEAKER_01:

The USDA defines it as they must have access to the outdoors. And access typically means one small door leading to a tiny dirt patch, and most of the birds never actually use it. And they're attached because the they're in a warehouse of 10 to 20,000 turkeys crammed together, so fat with broken legs, sores, busted wings. They come through and they snip off their beaks, their toes, whatever they need to to keep them in that cage and keep pumping them full of whatever to get them back.

SPEAKER_00:

That makes me not want to eat a turkey.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, there's no rules about how long they got to be outside, how large the outdoor area must be, whether the area is even big enough for the birds to be in.

SPEAKER_00:

Um it makes you want to be a vegetarian.

SPEAKER_01:

Some of them never see sunlight.

SPEAKER_00:

No.

SPEAKER_01:

Um so they they're raised quickly in 14 to 22 weeks.

SPEAKER_00:

That's not long.

SPEAKER_01:

Nope. Rather steroids. 10 years, yeah. Um they're uh in density is so high their wings can't open. Um I talked about the beak beak trimming, toe trimming, snoo trimming. Um a lot of antibiotics, growth genetics, rapid growth genetic uh whatever you call it.

SPEAKER_00:

Is that what antibiotics do to them or just keep them clean? Uh doesn't make them grow quicker.

SPEAKER_01:

The both, I think. The antibiotics must be too, because infections, because a lot of them apparently have sores and stuff. Um the slaughtering is the worst.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And I you know what here I'm saying this like I'm some fucking choir boy, but I'm not. But it, you know, and I know we eat them. And we eat animals. I get it. I'm not stupid. I know, but and doesn't matter if you treat them like shit before you eat them. I don't know. Doesn't yeah, I'm just curious information.

SPEAKER_00:

So should we let them, you know, live a free life and then chop their head off? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, they typically shackle them upside down on a conveyor thing, and they're struggling or whatever. And then they put them through an electrified water stunner, and that sometimes will stun them enough to knock them up. Most of the time it doesn't, they're still trying to, you know, look at what the fuck. And then there's a automatic throat blade that comes through, and a lot of times it misses. Um, and so the ones that miss that blade, sometimes they have workers that come and snip, cut it, and then they um are scalded in a hot water tank, so the feathers come off and it kills them. But a lot of them just die by scalding them to death after all that other stuff. But free-range, cage-free, and even humane certified often mean nothing.

SPEAKER_00:

Organic.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Um there are some legitimate, transparent, pasture-based operations. And they are these are actually names of companies. Um, Mary's Free Range Turkey.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, Mary's.

SPEAKER_01:

And I'm not we're not getting paid for any of this. I'm just letting folks know Vital Farms, Farmer Focus, Joyce Farms, and Bellin Evans. They're organic clients. But in good luck finding those, you know. A lot of people you can't afford that shit anyway. You go buy whatever.

SPEAKER_00:

I have a friend who worked at a Tyson plant.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, God.

SPEAKER_00:

And never eat chicken again.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the worst offenders are honeysuckle, cargle. Honeysuckle or Honeysuckle White. It's the name of the they make turkeys. Um but they're in Plainville?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I don't know if they're on Plainville Farms and Butterball.

SPEAKER_01:

Butterball's Hormel. So is uh Jenny O and Hormel. Yeah. Uh Jenny O has had a lot of undercover invigate in investigations.

SPEAKER_00:

But same with Butterball and Plainville. Yeah. But and so much mistreatment.

SPEAKER_01:

Like a lot of live ones thrown into the grinders. Like just they're alive and thrown people walking through. There was a video of like workers kicking the fucking poor turkeys. They can't even walk, they're just kicking the shit. I don't get it. Anyway, it's horrible. It's absolutely horrible. Butterball's the worst of all, anyway. So if you're buying turkeys this Thanksgiving, fuck Butterball. I don't know, it's just horrible.

SPEAKER_00:

I think that was one of the offenses.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Yeah, that might have been. But anyway. Now that I'm sad, let's talk about something else.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I don't have any um more happy ones, but um I might have something.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, I got some myths.

SPEAKER_00:

What's turkey myths?

SPEAKER_01:

Um, they weren't the main dish at the first Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_00:

No, they weren't.

SPEAKER_01:

Probably venison or something else. What'd you come up with?

SPEAKER_00:

The myths?

SPEAKER_01:

No. Like what do you think they actually had at the first Thanksgiving?

SPEAKER_00:

Um, I know they have potato, like sweet potatoes or yams.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

The meat, I think I I would guess venison.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, rabbit venison. Um turkey as a ships. Um it wasn't until the eighteen hundreds that we started using turkey as the symbol of Thanksgiving dinner.

SPEAKER_00:

So how did that come about?

unknown:

No.

SPEAKER_01:

I just know that tryptophan doesn't really make you sleepy.

SPEAKER_00:

No.

SPEAKER_01:

Eating eating a lot does.

SPEAKER_00:

Eating your weight and turkey. Or not it's the extras. It's not the turkey. Potatoes and gravy. It's the potatoes and gravy, it's the sweet potato pie. you know, green bean casserole.

SPEAKER_01:

That's they're all like all that stuff.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you?

SPEAKER_01:

I'd like turkey too.

SPEAKER_00:

I do too. Sorry.

SPEAKER_01:

You know turkey. What are we going to do about it? And I'm not trying to be a um what do you what would I be a liberal or something? Whatever you call it. Like I'm telling people not to eat turkey. No, that's not at all. And if you work at Butterball, good for you. You got to make a living. I understand.

SPEAKER_00:

You know just don't be don't kick the turkeys.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Um well hero or dick?

SPEAKER_00:

Well I say well first of all let me just say roasted smoked my favorite oh yes fried grilled deep fried turkey. Yeah come on. And then if you want the vegetarian options called the tofu.

SPEAKER_01:

Tofu turkey you ever get into those multiple turkeys?

SPEAKER_00:

Turducken yeah I wrote it down somewhere about a turduckin it's a chicken no it's a duck no chicken in a duck in a turkey.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep.

SPEAKER_00:

That's a lot they're all deboned though. They are and so they're packed in there like and then when you slice it you get you get them all.

SPEAKER_01:

That's a lot of bird.

SPEAKER_00:

I'd try it. I've never had it so overall I say turkey is kind of a boring hero.

SPEAKER_01:

It's a boring hero but they bounced back from extinction. They did yay they sometimes will attack joggers beautiful feathers. They're beautiful feathers so while you're running and getting attacked you can look at the beautiful feathers.

SPEAKER_00:

Well I'm not jogging so I'm not worried that's true um but I mean that's true really quick like I could jog I'm not going to I'm not jogging either I did get on the exercise bike last night though trying to I won't do it today though.

SPEAKER_01:

But I think they're heroes.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean they're birds they're turkeys and you know the Bible gave us reign over all the animals so screw you animals.

SPEAKER_00:

Well I no somebody one source said this was in the Bible. I don't think it is I think it was from a sermon and then they said God says turkeys don't worry don't hoard and don't complain I don't think that's in the Bible.

SPEAKER_01:

I have not double checked that I think turkeys are going to worry after they listen to this episode.

SPEAKER_00:

Well if they're near butterball they should be worried yeah so you ready for a fast five yeah I got one too oh oh good job you got one or five five they're all food oh go ahead what do you got and looked at what we did last because we did Thanksgiving last year.

SPEAKER_01:

What are you what's yours? Is anything to do with food?

SPEAKER_00:

Thanksgiving yeah so my first one is Macy's Day Parade Hero. Yeah I say hero just to have it on for background noise. How about Friends giving Hero for those that don't want to don't have family or don't want to do family sounds how about the kids table where all the action is really where would you rather sit it the kids table or the adult's table? Kids. But when you're a kid sometimes you don't feel like that you're like what's going on with that big table nothing kids nothing good.

SPEAKER_01:

Why did we get the plastic silver like we're not over there doing eating dessert.

SPEAKER_00:

No. How about green bean casserole?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah I love it. And my other one was turduckin chicken and a duck and the turkey I don't know it sounds heroic if you could eat it.

SPEAKER_00:

I would try it. Yeah what are yours?

SPEAKER_01:

Mine are the um fast five turkey foods.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Turkey pot pie.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah I love it.

SPEAKER_01:

Turkey sandwiches.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes with avocado on it. Turkey bacon or uh when we go back to turkey sandwich avocado. You gotta have manny's and if you're not a big manny's personal you gotta have it on a turkey sandwich especially after Thanksgiving. Yeah does turkey always feel dry I don't know it's not meant to be I mean it could be it's not meant to be juicy either.

SPEAKER_01:

What kind of bread do you use?

SPEAKER_00:

I like a classic homemade white. I like the white bread too yeah not like a wonder white white you know like it's good thing but yeah I say traditional you could go wheat but a pita you know you could wrap it up but I don't I would rather have a sandwich. Yeah yeah yeah um turkey bacon no big no oh it's such a dick we bought some for a visitor what as a punishment as a punishment for our visitor who couldn't have regular turkey oh yeah we'll turkey bacon and we had our legs yeah I will freeze it for the next time you come over and then uh we threw it away when they left I'm not a big fan I hate to say this the best kind of head no I'm not gonna eat anymore was Jenny O.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh Jenny oh Jenny hey Jenny O in a turkey female young is called a Jenny I think that's where they got it. I can't believe I just got that you said they can call it Jake Jake O. Jake O Jake O I think that's the name of a sperm bank. Turkey sausage.

SPEAKER_00:

I've never had it because of the turkey bacon. Gotcha and turkey burger again I'm gonna pass on that because of the bacon. Bacon has turned me off to all alternative turkey meats.

SPEAKER_01:

Too bad because turkey burgers are delicious and down at that what's that place?

SPEAKER_00:

Pork and olive no what's it called the nest the nest they used to make a delicious turkey a very good turkey burger and I have that was good if they still do. I don't know they should have a different menu when it was burgess. Yeah okay they knew burgers thanks scale Greg.

SPEAKER_01:

Um all right anything else you want to add uh we could talk all day Kate but you got another meeting I'm sure I do so all right so um we have noted the people who have emailed us and we will be putting your suggestions on the list. We're gonna pull it out of the hat.

SPEAKER_00:

And um we hope we might have one more foul bird yeah this year. We'll see we'll see what happens.

SPEAKER_01:

How many cats we got left this year? Two three?

SPEAKER_00:

Two or three okay we could fit chickens in chickens are so different from turkeys too totally different bird bird of a different feather even though they have things in common like wings and drumsticks beaks I like to eat and beaks.

SPEAKER_01:

And uh uh inhumane treatment well probably just kidding no thanks everybody if we don't talk to you um have a good thanksgiving if you celebrate Thanksgiving some people don't celebrate it no they don't so but but and if you're not celebrating hey have a good day on Thanksgiving have a good day on Thanksgiving watch some football yeah right on thanks everybody bye

Contributor

Kate & KJ

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