Hero or Dick - S.3, Ep. 22 - Turkeys

Ever met a bird that sees nearly 270 degrees, purrs when it’s calm, hits fifty miles an hour, and still ends up glazed on a platter by sundown? In this episode of Hero or Dick, we move from the woods to the warehouse, dropping dinner-table facts, oddities, and a few honest guesstimations.

Hit play. Give a listen.

~ Kate & KJ

Transcript

Banter, Listener Emails, Studio Vibes

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Greetings and salutations.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Okay. And hello.

SPEAKER_01 0:04

It's Kate.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

And KJ.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

And we're here in the What's the name of this place? The horse uh Horsefeather Studio.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:12

And the name of this podcast is um Frankfurters and Wieners.

unknown 0:17

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

With a side of beans.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Hero or Dick.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

And I'm never saying the email address again.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Why?

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Because no one emails us.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Uh that is not true, people. Did we get an email? Not your email.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Who was it?

SPEAKER_00 0:32

E-mail. It was Cassidy and Doug, and they got some ideas. Oh.

unknown 0:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

So you want to do that now or wait? Or the ideas?

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Well, I I have it written down somewhere else, but one was uh the Vanderbilts, which I think would be fascinating.

unknown 0:50

Just kidding.

SPEAKER_01 0:51

They're they're they're loaded. Gloria.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

G-L-O-R-I-A. Gloria Vanderbilt. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Remember her?

SPEAKER_00 0:59

I do. Yeah, I knew.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

She was at your Christmas party. What?

SPEAKER_00 1:02

She has some jeans in the 80s. Actually, I have a pair of pants of hers that I bought. They're shorts. Oh, I thought they were 20 years ago. And good job, Gloria Vanderbilt, because they're still holding on.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

Gotta love pants that last.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

They're shorts for me to shoot.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

You gotta love shorts that last. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

I thought you said pants. I did, but I don't have any pants. That smells stupid. So here are dicks, season three, episode 21.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

So you know what I was doing before you got here. I was waiting for the water guy, you know?

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

And he showed up. He fixed it.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

He fixed the water.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

By the way, um, Jovi and I, Jovi's my wonderful daughter, who really appreciates the new one windshield wipers I put on her car the other day. Um, but get this. But get this. You ready for this? Um and I'm preface this prefacing this by saying I love my daughter very much. And I think we do a fine job of mentoring her, coaching her, guiding her.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

She's a good kid.

SPEAKER_01 1:59

But kids are kids.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

They're still kids.

Parenting, Spending, And Shop Plans

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Um kids are kids. I said to her yesterday, you know, now that you have those nice two wiper blades, perhaps you need some washer fluid. Because she happens upon establishments that have washer fluid. She's like, Oh, okay. And so didn't talk anymore of it. Then this morning I get a notification because I uh keep tabs on some things my kids do, like spend money. And I see that she spent$7.67 at Starbucks this morning on the way to school. Like some bougie little Beverly Hills girl. And then shortly thereafter that's a cheap drink. Shortly thereafter, she texted, Oh, can you pick some pick up some wiper fluid for me? I think you just spent seven bucks on Starbucks. That's like at least two gallons of water fluid. But that's kids. Whatever. Um so did you? No. No, not yet. I probably will later. And then um the other thing was, oh, Joey is talking about her because we're her and I are gonna open this joint back up.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Yeah, good.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

We're gonna she's gonna come into inventory and then we're gonna sell some of those paintings.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Yeah, rows and rows of pictures and there and stuff. There's jewelry, there's there's a pool of stuff in here.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

I guess if anybody ever wants to come in here and check things out, email us. I mean, Christmas is Christmas is coming up. And there, you know, if you want to get some art, there's some jewelry, some little knick-knack things. I think those are ornaments in the corner over there. Um something. But uh yeah, okay. That means you can email us, I guess. Umgmail.com.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

That's come on.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

And then I'm sorry, the other thing I want to talk about. We usually BS a little bit before we get on here, but you know what other thing I was doing while I was waiting for you and the water man to get done?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

What?

SPEAKER_01 3:49

Scrolling a page on Facebook called Alpina Mug Shots.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

Uh oh.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

Have you seen that one?

SPEAKER_00 3:55

I have not. Was I on there?

SPEAKER_01 3:57

I no, sure. Um, but it's like scary. There's a lot of people. I mean, that many people in Alpina get arrested every day. And meth was a lot of people.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

Math is a big problem in Alpina.

SPEAKER_01 4:09

Beating the shit out of your spouse. Because you're on meth? I don't know. I mean, there was just uh operating under the influence, a lot of failure to appear, some sentencing.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Probably a lot of uh child support.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

There were a couple. Yeah. There was one child abuse.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

It's a lot of meth. It really is.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

Meth, meth, meth.

SPEAKER_00 4:26

It's sad. Don't do meth, people.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

No, it's not something you can just stop abruptly.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Usually no, and it's not fun.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

No, these people go on quests in the middle of the night.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

It's not fun to do. It's not like a fun drug where you're gonna smoke some weed and eat a bag of Doritos. That's kind of fun. Right. Watch Pineapple Express.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

What if it works? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

But meth isn't like that.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

No, and there's a lot of folks all over, I guess, but it's I mean, I it's in his tongue like nothing.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Escapism. I I get it. You know, people need to escape their not so great lives, but meth isn't gonna make that better.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Uh no. It it ruins your life.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Yeah. And everyone around you. And a lot of this kids, your parents, your everybody.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

Yeah, oh yeah. It's strangers on the street.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

I mean, and it's not I always say this and I don't I'm not a psychologist, but it's not the drug. It's the shit underneath that's making you do the drug, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:26

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

It's the issues, the trauma.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

The drug's always there.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

And so it's always like you feel bad. I'm looking at these people anyway. And I mean, nobody looks good for a mug shot. There was one guy had a pretty decent mug shot. Younger guy got picked up for drive, driving under the influence, fleeing a police officer, and he was just smiling.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

You know, up young. You know, I think I'm invincible.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

But the rest, you could just it's life. Man, life is just a kick in the nuts. And um But it's fascinating to look, and then you see people you know, and you're like, holy shit.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

What I did see a mugshot of a guy who I went to school with who has a problem with math. And he looks about 25 years older than I do. Oh god. I'm not looking like a spring chicken, I look my age, but you know, it just emaciates your body.

Feral Cats, TNR, And Humane Options

SPEAKER_01 6:16

Yeah, it's all right. Let's stop talking about math. Um and the other thing I want to talk about is you can't you're not supposed to feed um uh cats anymore, feral cats.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Oh, why's that?

SPEAKER_01 6:29

They want them to just starve and die off, apparently.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

We're not gonna be like Key West.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

No. I think it's kind of weird. I mean, I've I'm gonna feed them.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

Is there a lot of feral cats?

SPEAKER_01 6:40

Apparently. I mean, we have a couple that come around, but fucking eh, I'm not gonna let them starve in the middle of the winter.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

And are they catching some mice for you?

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Yeah, I don't know. They must be maybe. I mean, they don't bother me. One's pretty nice, you know. Nobody runs away and I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 6:54

They don't want to come in your house. It's not like they're knocking on your door. Hey, can we come in?

SPEAKER_01 6:58

If they did, I might let them in. That's how we got one of our best cats. She was astray. Um, but my point is there is a program in the Alpina area in uh around northern Michigan called TNR uh Trap and Release. Uh Brooke and I got certified in it. And so these folks will actually come uh set traps, um, catch the cats, and take them in to get them fixed. Um, because there's a deal worked out, I think, with Sunrise Side Veterinarian, and um it's a reduced cost, and usually Brooke and I or whoever is doing it with pay.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

And then um I think they could get a program going with uh I don't know where the closest veterinarian school is, but it's like take them there here and practice.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

Oh yeah, they kind of I took one in uh last year or the year before. Well, I took several in, and uh he didn't make it through. Didn't even know I felt bad. They called me, they're like, Oh, the cat died.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

I'm like, oh didn't expect that.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

No, sorry, little buddy. Anyway, long story short, is um, you know, instead of starving the cats, make an effort to, you know, uh have a solution, you know.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Um, and there's people that will capture them and at least get them fixed um so that they're not creating re-release them or take them to the the shelter where they will get blocked in problems.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

Well, right now the Humane Society was in there two days ago. It's Kitty City. Uh we're talking, I don't even know, hundreds? Hundreds.

SPEAKER_00 8:27

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

And the one dog named Wilbur.

unknown 8:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

But anyway, there's my Bob Barker thing. If you can't get your pets spaid or neutered, get the strays spade or neutered, and there's people that can help.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

And if you can't take care of a cat because you're on meth, don't get a cat.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

A cat's not gonna, you know.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

It's funny if we can we catch people and get them demethed.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Demethed or fixed at the very least.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

Fixed would be good. But okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Well, that's another show. Uh actually we actually have a topic.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

It is a topic.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

What's the topic?

Kicking Off The Turkey Deep Dive

SPEAKER_01 9:01

Uh turkeys.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

Turkey. Turkey was the Ottoman Empire, known for unique geographic position.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

Yeah, and how did the turkey get his name?

SPEAKER_00 9:10

I'm talking about like country.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

I know, but isn't that related?

SPEAKER_00 9:13

Is it? Yes. Is that how a turkey is?

SPEAKER_01 9:15

Yeah, because the guinea fowl or something like that. Uh turkey, I don't know. Anyway, some folks, the Europeans that came over here, you know, uh, they thought that the turkeys here looked much like that guinea fowl animal in Turkey, and so they could supposedly call them a turkey.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

They're only native to here in Central America.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Yeah. Central America's got a pretty one. Thus what's it called? Oscillated turkey? It's got uh colors.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

It sounds like it's on a spit.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

It kind of looks like it. It's like a kaleidoscope. It's got um, what's that thing called? A peacock. It kind of looks similar in the colors like that, and his tail feathers are like that.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

So beautiful tail feathers on a turkey when they spread them out and stretch about.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

No, oscillated, it's right here.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

I have it in my notes, Kate. I prepared.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

Um And we didn't mean to make this the year of the bird, but I know we just uh talked about ducks. And we might talk about chickens. We're still trying to get chickens in this year, but it turned out to be the year of the bird.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Right.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

So we'll get it out of our system.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

What is it?

SPEAKER_00 10:18

The year of the bird. The bird, the bird, bird, bird, bird, is the one. But I don't know what 2026 will bring.

SPEAKER_01 10:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

We'll see.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

Thanks, everybody. Have a good day.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Um turkey, turkey. What else do you want to say? I will say they gobble, yes, but they also cluck and purr.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

What come on.

SPEAKER_00 10:42

I don't I the cluck? I wish they'd dad. Yeah, they're chicken.

SPEAKER_01 10:46

And they purr.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

And they purr.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

Oh, they do cluck.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Yeah. I know my uh dad would turkey hunt and he had a turkey call.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

I didn't I couldn't find it though. I don't think I have it anymore.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

Well, you were gonna bring it in.

Turkey Origins, Names, And Fun Facts

SPEAKER_00 10:58

I wanted it's weet, but I don't think I have it anymore.

SPEAKER_01 11:02

Well, I know that the indigenous peoples they domesticated turkeys 2,000 years ago. Over 2,000 years ago.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

So they would follow them around and then they could eat them every now and then, or did they worship them?

SPEAKER_01 11:15

I think all of it.

SPEAKER_00 11:17

Oh well, yeah, I mean they worship the buffalo and deer and still ate them because they sustained them.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

You know what? I'm taking a sidetrack again. Remember how you went and you went to the buffalo farm?

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

I drove past it.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Oh, yeah. That's pretty cool out there.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

That's really cool. It didn't stop.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

Oh, you didn't buy any buffalo?

SPEAKER_01 11:38

No.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

We gotta go back.

SPEAKER_01 11:39

But anyway, sorry. Um, back to the turkeys. Ben Franklin.

SPEAKER_00 11:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:45

He liked those turkeys. He did. Like them better than the eagle.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Uh so we could be eating eagle at Thanksgiving if it were up to Ben F. Ben F.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

What did he do? We did we do him?

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

We did. He was our first.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

He was the very first.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Oh my god, I'm sorry, Ben, if you're listening.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

Because we did the show and then I went to England and I went by his house.

SPEAKER_01 12:08

You did. Yes. And you brought back a pipe for me.

SPEAKER_00 12:12

Where I actually brought back bones because that's where he wanted to people.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

He had him in his basement. He was a serial killer.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

Well, probably.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

Um explain the purpose.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

He wanted the turkey for the national bird.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

That'd be something. Then we'd be eating eagle for Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

I just said I literally just said that.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Did you? What's the name of our podcast? We're salty today. Anyway, tell me the purring.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

That's all I had to do. I can't do an imitation of it.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

Like a cat.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

But I do also know that turkey droppings tell a bird sex and age.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Tell I betcha the spiral ones are male and the blobs are female.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

You are the opposite. I bet you the males are J-shaped and the females are spiral. And the larger the poo, the older the bird.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

No, no shit. Oh. They remember faces.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

They do.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

Human and turkey faces. I never forget a turkey face. Never.

SPEAKER_00 13:15

Turkeys have an interesting face. They have. Okay. I had to draw a diagram.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Oh my god, you did draw one.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

So on their beaks, they have a little stuff there. It's called snood.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Snood. Sounds like Dr. Seuss stuff.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

And then on the side, they're kind of bumpy. And those are called caruncles.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Say that again?

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Carunkles? Carunkles? A bump of flesh that covers the neck and head.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

I got one of those.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

And then they have uh we all have this. Uh and if you don't have it, don't worry, you will. The waddle.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

Which is the turkey neck, basically. The skin flap between the beak and the neck.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

Skin flap.

SPEAKER_00 13:58

Yeah, I know. Sometimes, I mean, skin, you're doing a good job, but sometimes a lot of it.

SPEAKER_01 14:04

I mean the word skin flap.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

It doesn't sound good, does it? No. And then they also tom turkeys have a kind of an extra stuff hanging from the neck.

SPEAKER_01 14:17

Is that the technical term?

SPEAKER_00 14:18

Called a beard.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

The beard, okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:19

The beard is the technical name.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

Um they can see almost 270 degrees without turning their head, Kate.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

Without evening.

SPEAKER_01 14:28

If that turkey's looking at you right now, it can see 270 degrees all the way around.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

270, and their vision is three times clearer than 2020 vision.

unknown 14:36

What?

SPEAKER_01 14:37

That's what So why don't we compare ourselves to turkey vision? Like you go to the eye doctor and your eyes, you got turkey vision.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

It's like a turkey.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Nobody says that.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Nobody says that.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Um they detect UVA light. We can't do that.

SPEAKER_00 14:50

Well, how do why do they how do we know that?

SPEAKER_01 14:53

I don't know. Eye doctors, scientists.

SPEAKER_00 14:57

I don't know. Science.

SPEAKER_01 14:59

God. No, it's not God. Um they have uh they dream, they have REM sleep.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

Again, I don't know how that I was gonna ask.

SPEAKER_01 15:08

And they have at least 20, uh, aside from the cluck, the purr, and the gobble, 20 distinct vocalizations.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

So they're talking to each other.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

They certainly are.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Yeah.

Behavior, Vision, Sleep, And Odd Myths

SPEAKER_01 15:18

They fight, we're gonna phone. They'll fight their own reflections to the death.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

I had a house that um had windows, like a walkout basement, so the windows were um ground level. And I was terrified one day because I could hear something hitting the window, hitting the window. And I'd look out the window and I was above the window, so I couldn't see it, but there was a turkey right there fighting with himself. Finally, I see.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

That's silly.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

Did you open a window?

SPEAKER_00 15:47

No.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

No. What'd you do?

SPEAKER_00 15:49

Uh just watch them? I probably. I think he eventually gave up.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

You know something else they'll do when they're not knocking their heads on windows and vocalizing and seeing UVA light?

SPEAKER_00 16:00

What?

SPEAKER_01 16:00

Um during a rainstorm when it's raining, sometimes they'll stare up so long till they drown.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

That happened.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

That's horrible. Not as horrible. What is what happens to them later that I'm gonna talk about?

SPEAKER_00 16:13

Oh. Uh okay. Well, first let's uh talk about young turkeys are called. Do you know what they're called? Polts. They eat insects like candy, and they don't uh start eating plants till they're four weeks old. They just eat a bunch of insects when they're young.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

And in the first 24 hours of their life here on this beautiful planet, which is whirling through space, they can walk and eat.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

They can right away almost right away. It's pretty right out of that egg.

unknown 16:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

Right out of that egg.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

So right out of it.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

In the early 1900s, though, they almost became extinct. There were only about 200K and 200,000 left. Now there's about 6.5 million wild birds.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

I'm glad.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

I am too.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

I want more wild birds.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

I like seeing them in the wild. I don't like I wouldn't like to hit them with a car. I've never hit them, but I know people who have, and they do some damage.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

They do, they like crossing those roads.

SPEAKER_00 17:17

They do, and they like to go packing that gravel or whatever they need. Um they're fast. Turkeys can go 18 to 20 miles per hour.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

Tell me how fast they can fly.

SPEAKER_00 17:27

50 miles an hour.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

That's flying. That's zing. Where do they sleep at night? Trees. Come on.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

They do. But that's where do you where else would they sleep though, really?

SPEAKER_01 17:38

Nests?

SPEAKER_00 17:40

I don't think they make a nest.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

I think they do, but they don't sleep in them. You're right. Yeah, they're tree dwellers.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

Because coyotes would come and get them if they were laying on the ground.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

You're right.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

You think they'd fight a coyote to the death or just themselves?

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Um, they would they would fight for their life, but would they win? Probably not.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

No.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

No. Coyotes can.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Did you find any evidence? Coyotes what?

SPEAKER_00 18:05

They dang up on their prey.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

So they're wily.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

Get it? Oh.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

How many feathers do they have?

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Oh, 2,462.

SPEAKER_00 18:14

You are incorrect.

SPEAKER_01 18:15

How many?

SPEAKER_00 18:16

Five to six thousand. Shit, that's a lot of feathers.

SPEAKER_01 18:19

That's a lot of feathers. Their feathers are really pretty. But you don't know how much semen they produce. I do not. You are correct. 70 pounds of semen per season.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

Again, how do we know that?

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Who's working out the semen? Some guy who really likes turkeys. That's really anyway. Um and the sperm, God bless it, it can stay inside the hen for weeks. And turkeys blush, because you're blushing now that we're talking about this. But turkeys blush and their heads change color depending on emotion. Maybe after they're empty, they get a little pale. I don't know. Pretty messed up.

Pop Culture Turkeys And Traditions

SPEAKER_00 18:55

The hen is the adult female. The Tom, or the gobbler, is the adult male. A Jenny is the young female. A Jake is a young male. And we already said the pulse is the baby. Do you know how many eggs they lay per week? Four. Two to three. So yeah, you're close. About a hundred per year. A week? Two to three eggs a week.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

So wait, okay. Now go back to that. I had read something about or heard something about why don't we eat turkey eggs? They don't lay enough.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

They'd be bigger, but only two to three a week. I mean, but you'd only need one for an omelet.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Yeah. I don't know. I've never had turkey eggs.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

I bet you they're pretty rich. Duck ones before. Those are really rich. But yeah, I don't know. Probably got laced with semen. They don't have teeth. Which that's not really a good fact because they're birds.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

They don't have what?

SPEAKER_00 19:55

Teeth.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

Not many birds with teeth.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

No, I don't think so. Uh let's see. The average weight of a turkey?

SPEAKER_01 20:07

The hens probably five to fifteen pounds.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

Well, I don't know. I just thought the average weight is 30 pounds.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Which I would say at least. Yeah. The turkeys I see are pretty big.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_00 20:23

You know.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

I must be thinking of those pulses.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

You're not thinking of, you know, when you get a uh frozen turkey from, you know, for Thanksgiving, it's it's it can be 30 pounds, but it's usually about 18 or 20. Which is still a bit.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

Don't worry, we'll get into why those turkeys are so big that you buy for Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

Americans will eat about 46 million turkeys this Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

But that number is going to be greatly reduced after we talk about some things later. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 20:52

Um there's wait, well, let me say one more fact before you get gross.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

No, no, I'm not getting gross.

SPEAKER_00 20:57

Oh, okay. California eats the most turkeys at Thanksgiving. Why? Because there's it's populated. Yeah. New York is number two, Florida and Texas. Texas.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Well, those domesticated turkeys, there's 240, 250 million of those sons of bitches.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Domesticated? Yeah. Yeah, Butterball and Plainville farms. Oh, they had scandals. They still have scandals for the mistreatment of them.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Workers going.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

I'll get into it later. Okay. No, you can you can talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Well, I got I got other stuff.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

Um turkeys. I started reading it and actually had to stop because it was so offensive.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

I'll get into it. You know, and the truth must be told, Kate.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

Um, turkeys, though, um in pop culture. The the uh helicopter turkey drop in WKRP.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Remember that? It was hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

I thought turkeys could fly. Adam's family.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

A turkey on her head to tear up tandler. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Do you have more of those?

SPEAKER_00 22:07

Well, that was the best one. Okay. The in 1989 was the first presidential pardon for a turkey at Thanksgiving, and that was uh George Herbert Walkerbush.

SPEAKER_01 22:19

What do you think?

Labels, Factory Farming, And Welfare

SPEAKER_00 22:19

Uh now we won't talk about them. Um Mais these days, one of their uh most popular balloons is the turkey, of course, because it's on Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

Yep. A turkey for you, a turkey for me. Adam Sandler had the Thanksgiving song of turkey in the obviously. Oh, Freebirds, a movie in 2013.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Well, that's true.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

I've never seen a they say it was a terrible time travel turkey movie, but I bought that movie after it came out and I really enjoy it.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

Oh, okay. Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson. I mean, come on, Woody.

SPEAKER_01 22:57

Yeah, it's not a bad movie, Kate. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

They time travel to the first Thanksgiving to get the to get turkey taken off of the menu. Yeah, and they guess that is the most popular turkey movie. But you think of it, you know?

SPEAKER_01 23:11

There's no other turkey movies.

SPEAKER_00 23:12

There's not a lot of turkey movies. Um, the most popular book, because I always look for that, is called How about Turkeys? There's a lot of Thanksgiving ones, you know, live pity ones. Um, but one is called My Life as a Turkey. And so this guy raised wild turkeys because they imprinted on him as soon as they came out. They saw him first and they're like, Oh my god, you're our mom. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. Oh well, I didn't read it. My life is a turkey if you want to read it.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

I mean, that notion's nice. What are you doing with the Canada dry there today?

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Uh I haven't drank it yet because I was afraid I'd belch really loud. After I brought it in, I was like, Oh, I should have grabbed my water. But I do love Canada dry ginger ale.

SPEAKER_01 23:55

I never drink it.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

Why?

SPEAKER_01 23:58

And now they it just seems like something you'd mix with vodka.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Um, sure, but not right now. Okay. It's just ginger ale. Um but they do have the they do have the holiday flavors though. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

I like the Sprite cranberry.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

Um and Canada Dry. I think that's the brand of it. I bought like a case of three different kinds. It's like berry and oh, they're delicious. Very delicious. Good job, Canada. Is that a good thing to love about Canada?

SPEAKER_01 24:29

Is that free range, Canada Dry?

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:32

Okay, because uh, you know, free range is a is a big lie.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

Well, they're not like roaming the plains eating what they want.

SPEAKER_01 24:42

The USDA defines it as they must have access to the outdoors. And access typically means one small door leading to a tiny dirt patch, and most of the birds never actually use it. And they're attached because the they're in a warehouse of 10 to 20,000 turkeys crammed together, so fat with broken legs, sores, busted wings. They come through and they snip off their beaks, their toes, whatever they need to to keep them in that cage and keep pumping them full of whatever to get them back.

SPEAKER_00 25:11

That makes me not want to eat a turkey.

SPEAKER_01 25:13

Um, there's no rules about how long they got to be outside, how large the outdoor area must be, whether the area is even big enough for the birds to be in.

SPEAKER_00 25:23

Um it makes you want to be a vegetarian.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

Some of them never see sunlight.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

No.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

Um so they they're raised quickly in 14 to 22 weeks.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

That's not long.

SPEAKER_01 25:34

Nope. Rather steroids. 10 years, yeah. Um they're uh in density is so high their wings can't open. Um I talked about the beak beak trimming, toe trimming, snoo trimming. Um a lot of antibiotics, growth genetics, rapid growth genetic uh whatever you call it.

SPEAKER_00 25:51

Is that what antibiotics do to them or just keep them clean? Uh doesn't make them grow quicker.

SPEAKER_01 25:58

The both, I think. The antibiotics must be too, because infections, because a lot of them apparently have sores and stuff. Um the slaughtering is the worst.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

And I you know what here I'm saying this like I'm some fucking choir boy, but I'm not. But it, you know, and I know we eat them. And we eat animals. I get it. I'm not stupid. I know, but and doesn't matter if you treat them like shit before you eat them. I don't know. Doesn't yeah, I'm just curious information.

SPEAKER_00 26:23

So should we let them, you know, live a free life and then chop their head off? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

Well, they typically shackle them upside down on a conveyor thing, and they're struggling or whatever. And then they put them through an electrified water stunner, and that sometimes will stun them enough to knock them up. Most of the time it doesn't, they're still trying to, you know, look at what the fuck. And then there's a automatic throat blade that comes through, and a lot of times it misses. Um, and so the ones that miss that blade, sometimes they have workers that come and snip, cut it, and then they um are scalded in a hot water tank, so the feathers come off and it kills them. But a lot of them just die by scalding them to death after all that other stuff. But free-range, cage-free, and even humane certified often mean nothing.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

Organic.

Better Sourcing And Industry Offenders

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Yeah. Um there are some legitimate, transparent, pasture-based operations. And they are these are actually names of companies. Um, Mary's Free Range Turkey.

SPEAKER_00 27:27

Okay, Mary's.

SPEAKER_01 27:36

And I'm not we're not getting paid for any of this. I'm just letting folks know Vital Farms, Farmer Focus, Joyce Farms, and Bellin Evans. They're organic clients. But in good luck finding those, you know. A lot of people you can't afford that shit anyway. You go buy whatever.

SPEAKER_00 27:50

I have a friend who worked at a Tyson plant.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

Oh, God.

SPEAKER_00 27:54

And never eat chicken again.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

Yeah. Yeah. Well, the worst offenders are honeysuckle, cargle. Honeysuckle or Honeysuckle White. It's the name of the they make turkeys. Um but they're in Plainville?

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Yeah, I don't know if they're on Plainville Farms and Butterball.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Butterball's Hormel. So is uh Jenny O and Hormel. Yeah. Uh Jenny O has had a lot of undercover invigate in investigations.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

But same with Butterball and Plainville. Yeah. But and so much mistreatment.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Like a lot of live ones thrown into the grinders. Like just they're alive and thrown people walking through. There was a video of like workers kicking the fucking poor turkeys. They can't even walk, they're just kicking the shit. I don't get it. Anyway, it's horrible. It's absolutely horrible. Butterball's the worst of all, anyway. So if you're buying turkeys this Thanksgiving, fuck Butterball. I don't know, it's just horrible.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

I think that was one of the offenses.

SPEAKER_01 28:53

Yeah. Yeah, that might have been. But anyway. Now that I'm sad, let's talk about something else.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

Yeah, I don't have any um more happy ones, but um I might have something.

SPEAKER_01 29:07

Oh, I got some myths.

SPEAKER_00 29:09

What's turkey myths?

SPEAKER_01 29:10

Um, they weren't the main dish at the first Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

No, they weren't.

SPEAKER_01 29:15

Probably venison or something else. What'd you come up with?

SPEAKER_00 29:19

The myths?

SPEAKER_01 29:20

No. Like what do you think they actually had at the first Thanksgiving?

SPEAKER_00 29:23

Um, I know they have potato, like sweet potatoes or yams.

SPEAKER_01 29:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:27

The meat, I think I I would guess venison.

SPEAKER_01 29:29

Yeah, rabbit venison. Um turkey as a ships. Um it wasn't until the eighteen hundreds that we started using turkey as the symbol of Thanksgiving dinner.

SPEAKER_00 29:40

So how did that come about?

unknown 29:42

No.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

I just know that tryptophan doesn't really make you sleepy.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

No.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Eating eating a lot does.

SPEAKER_00 29:47

Eating your weight and turkey. Or not it's the extras. It's not the turkey. Potatoes and gravy. It's the potatoes and gravy, it's the sweet potato pie. you know, green bean casserole.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

That's they're all like all that stuff.

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Do you?

SPEAKER_01 30:05

I'd like turkey too.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

I do too. Sorry.

Thanksgiving Myths And Tryptophan Talk

SPEAKER_01 30:08

You know turkey. What are we going to do about it? And I'm not trying to be a um what do you what would I be a liberal or something? Whatever you call it. Like I'm telling people not to eat turkey. No, that's not at all. And if you work at Butterball, good for you. You got to make a living. I understand.

SPEAKER_00 30:24

You know just don't be don't kick the turkeys.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

Yeah. Um well hero or dick?

SPEAKER_00 30:32

Well I say well first of all let me just say roasted smoked my favorite oh yes fried grilled deep fried turkey. Yeah come on. And then if you want the vegetarian options called the tofu.

SPEAKER_01 30:49

Tofu turkey you ever get into those multiple turkeys?

SPEAKER_00 30:54

Turducken yeah I wrote it down somewhere about a turduckin it's a chicken no it's a duck no chicken in a duck in a turkey.

SPEAKER_01 31:03

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

That's a lot they're all deboned though. They are and so they're packed in there like and then when you slice it you get you get them all.

SPEAKER_01 31:12

That's a lot of bird.

SPEAKER_00 31:13

I'd try it. I've never had it so overall I say turkey is kind of a boring hero.

SPEAKER_01 31:21

It's a boring hero but they bounced back from extinction. They did yay they sometimes will attack joggers beautiful feathers. They're beautiful feathers so while you're running and getting attacked you can look at the beautiful feathers.

SPEAKER_00 31:31

Well I'm not jogging so I'm not worried that's true um but I mean that's true really quick like I could jog I'm not going to I'm not jogging either I did get on the exercise bike last night though trying to I won't do it today though.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

But I think they're heroes.

SPEAKER_00 31:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

I mean they're birds they're turkeys and you know the Bible gave us reign over all the animals so screw you animals.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

Well I no somebody one source said this was in the Bible. I don't think it is I think it was from a sermon and then they said God says turkeys don't worry don't hoard and don't complain I don't think that's in the Bible.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

I have not double checked that I think turkeys are going to worry after they listen to this episode.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

Well if they're near butterball they should be worried yeah so you ready for a fast five yeah I got one too oh oh good job you got one or five five they're all food oh go ahead what do you got and looked at what we did last because we did Thanksgiving last year.

SPEAKER_01 32:41

What are you what's yours? Is anything to do with food?

Hero Or Dick And Cooking Styles

SPEAKER_00 32:44

Thanksgiving yeah so my first one is Macy's Day Parade Hero. Yeah I say hero just to have it on for background noise. How about Friends giving Hero for those that don't want to don't have family or don't want to do family sounds how about the kids table where all the action is really where would you rather sit it the kids table or the adult's table? Kids. But when you're a kid sometimes you don't feel like that you're like what's going on with that big table nothing kids nothing good.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

Why did we get the plastic silver like we're not over there doing eating dessert.

SPEAKER_00 33:25

No. How about green bean casserole?

SPEAKER_01 33:28

Yeah I love it. And my other one was turduckin chicken and a duck and the turkey I don't know it sounds heroic if you could eat it.

SPEAKER_00 33:36

I would try it. Yeah what are yours?

SPEAKER_01 33:38

Mine are the um fast five turkey foods.

SPEAKER_00 33:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:43

Turkey pot pie.

SPEAKER_00 33:45

Yeah I love it.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

Turkey sandwiches.

SPEAKER_00 33:47

Yes with avocado on it. Turkey bacon or uh when we go back to turkey sandwich avocado. You gotta have manny's and if you're not a big manny's personal you gotta have it on a turkey sandwich especially after Thanksgiving. Yeah does turkey always feel dry I don't know it's not meant to be I mean it could be it's not meant to be juicy either.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

What kind of bread do you use?

Fast Five: Parade To Turducken

SPEAKER_00 34:11

I like a classic homemade white. I like the white bread too yeah not like a wonder white white you know like it's good thing but yeah I say traditional you could go wheat but a pita you know you could wrap it up but I don't I would rather have a sandwich. Yeah yeah yeah um turkey bacon no big no oh it's such a dick we bought some for a visitor what as a punishment as a punishment for our visitor who couldn't have regular turkey oh yeah we'll turkey bacon and we had our legs yeah I will freeze it for the next time you come over and then uh we threw it away when they left I'm not a big fan I hate to say this the best kind of head no I'm not gonna eat anymore was Jenny O.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

Oh Jenny oh Jenny hey Jenny O in a turkey female young is called a Jenny I think that's where they got it. I can't believe I just got that you said they can call it Jake Jake O. Jake O Jake O I think that's the name of a sperm bank. Turkey sausage.

SPEAKER_00 35:22

I've never had it because of the turkey bacon. Gotcha and turkey burger again I'm gonna pass on that because of the bacon. Bacon has turned me off to all alternative turkey meats.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

Too bad because turkey burgers are delicious and down at that what's that place?

SPEAKER_00 35:44

Pork and olive no what's it called the nest the nest they used to make a delicious turkey a very good turkey burger and I have that was good if they still do. I don't know they should have a different menu when it was burgess. Yeah okay they knew burgers thanks scale Greg.

SPEAKER_01 36:03

Um all right anything else you want to add uh we could talk all day Kate but you got another meeting I'm sure I do so all right so um we have noted the people who have emailed us and we will be putting your suggestions on the list. We're gonna pull it out of the hat.

SPEAKER_00 36:25

And um we hope we might have one more foul bird yeah this year. We'll see we'll see what happens.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

How many cats we got left this year? Two three?

SPEAKER_00 36:38

Two or three okay we could fit chickens in chickens are so different from turkeys too totally different bird bird of a different feather even though they have things in common like wings and drumsticks beaks I like to eat and beaks.

Turkey Foods: Sandwiches, Bacon, Burgers

SPEAKER_01 36:52

And uh uh inhumane treatment well probably just kidding no thanks everybody if we don't talk to you um have a good thanksgiving if you celebrate Thanksgiving some people don't celebrate it no they don't so but but and if you're not celebrating hey have a good day on Thanksgiving have a good day on Thanksgiving watch some football yeah right on thanks everybody bye