Reflections on Fatherhood: Highlights from Our Guests

In this special compilation episode of "Fatherhood Voices," we revisit some of our most memorable guests. Listen as these fathers, from diverse backgrounds and experiences, share their challenges, insights, and heartwarming stories. This episode is a testament to the many facets of fatherhood and the common threads that unite dads everywhere.

Transcript

Malcom: 0:00

Welcome to a special episode of Fatherhood Voices, breaking the toxic cycle. Dive in as real dads bear all, the mess ups, and every heartfelt moment in between. Its raw, its real, and it might just change the way you see family.

Guest: 0:12

feel like what I'm gonna say right now, I think it's gonna help someone. And I, and I hope it does. I really do. When I found out I was gonna have a kid, I was absolutely terrified. Again, because I grew up Christian, and growing up Christian you're not supposed to have premarital sex. So for me, it was, I had so much guilt and shame, and because my, my family, they run a church. And so at the time I had two fam, two families, and they both ran two churches in the high desert where I'm from. And so my whole family, uh, runs churches and none of my cousins have had children out of wedlock. I'm sure they were, you know, knocking boots, but they didn't have kids. And so for me, I was like the first one now, and I didn't find out till later that like some of my aunts and stuff like, you know, families hide things under the rug, but I didn't know at the time. So I was so scared and I felt like I was, I was bringing so much shame to my family. And I was letting my parents down. I was in college at the time, and all I wanted to do was finish. I was in like my last year of college. I just wanted to finish and go and get a job in marketing. And, I also wanted to pursue my, my music career, and I didn't, I didn't want a kid. Because I was like, this is going to slow me down, it's going to stop me. But it was really like, and I don't have a problem with religion, but it was really that upbringing that I had, that brought so much fear upon me. And so I have some friends that are, they're um, They're from different cultures. They, they're, you know, maybe from Asia or Africa and they have different ways and beliefs of, or the Middle East, and they have different ways of going about things, and a lot of it ties to either religion or culture, and a lot of that is rooted in religion, and so I know, like, I've had conversations with some of my friends, and they're like, yeah, like, if I ever, if I ever had a kid, like, I'd probably have an abortion. I even remember I had a friend, like, He, he ended up having a miscarriage, but he was, it was like he threw a party when he had a miscarriage. What? Yeah, like, like everyone like came over, like got drinks and stuff, like, Hey, cool, like thank God, cause his father was a pastor. He was so scared. And so, His girlfriend at the time was devastated, but he was like, I dodged a bullet, you know? But, there's so many people, I feel like especially in those communities, whether it's like from certain parts of the world or certain religions, like, they literally would rather have an abortion than have a child because of the guilt and the shame and the way that their parents are going to treat them. Like I've even seen people where their parents kicked them out of the house. And so I felt that fear, you know, I felt it heavy. And so for me, like I really was conflicted and I did not know what to do. And I think like. I don't know, it was, I, honestly it was like my, my son's mother that was just like, No, we're doing this, we're having a kid, I don't care what you say, I'm doing this. I don't need you. I'm doing it with or without you. And so, like, her whole pregnancy, I wasn't even around. I just completely, I went off and I did my own thing. The first time I went on a plane, I started traveling. I started living life more. And, uh, by the end of when she was about to have him, I think it was like on New Year's. Yeah, New Year's. Well, she had him in June, so it was like halfway there. I don't know, I had been drinking with my friends or whatever, and I was like filling the drink, and I was like, Hey, I want to be a father. I'm gonna be there for him, and all this and that, and she just like, You're drunk, Jackson. Yeah, she's like, you're a clown. Like, she didn't tell me that, but I could tell, you know? And so, when I actually had my son, like, I hurt her so bad that And I hope people don't take this the wrong way because so when I posted that video about the child support She got so much hate message I don't even know how people found out who she is People started DMing her like terrible messages that she's like a gold digger and she's just money hungry when that was me something I wanted to do so, please don't don't come after her But yeah like I wasn't able to see my son for like a few months like I wasn't even there when he was born and that like That really hurt me because I did want to be there my my best friend just had a kid and like I don't even know what that's like, you know, what he's going through, but I hurt her so bad that she didn't want me around. So I don't blame her for that. But it was like really, it was just difficult and I'm so glad that, you know, she didn't listen to me. Something else that I want to say real quick is like, so when I was a teenager and I started like going through like puberty, you know, I started feeling like sexual emotions. I used to have these dreams that I would lose my virginity. And, uh, I would wake up and I'm like, Oh, God, thank God. Like, you know. Because you were born, you were religious. Yeah, yeah, I'm like, okay, I'm still a virgin, thank God. You know, and so, um, I was the opposite of my friends. They're like, I lost my virginity. I'm like, no, I don't want to. And so, um, but I would have these dreams. And I would be in the desert. And I would be walking through the desert. And I would have a son. And, I'm sorry, I'm like trying not to, I'm trying not to cry. Because it was so profound. I would have these dreams, and it was like I was seeing the future, and I would have a son. I didn't know his name, and I just remember like the sunlight hitting my face, and I was walking through the desert, and I was just teaching him and guiding him. And I was like, man, like I don't know why I keep having these dreams. I was only like 15. I had never had sex at the time. I didn't lose my virginity until I was like 20, and so I didn't know why I was having these dreams, and then, And when, when I found out I was having him and it was like that, that pivotal moment where, where we really had to decide, like, are we going to have a kid or not? I had a dream like the night before that pivotal moment. And like this angel came to me in a dream and it like took me back to my, sorry, this is like crazy. Cause like I've, I've had visions like this on Ayahuasca too and it's like, it's just, it's crazy. But it took me back to those dreams, and I was like reliving that dream. And it was like, you're supposed to have this kid. Because, you were, you were placed here to do something great. And you've always felt that since you were a kid. And unless you have this kid, you're not going to be able to manifest your full potential. You have to, you have to do this. As scared as you are. Oh, no,

Edward: 6:53

it's beautiful, you know, because it's something we all struggle with as young fathers.

Guest: 7:01

And so, I had that dream the night before, and then the next day I just, I felt so conflicted because I was like, I don't know what to do. I felt like I was letting my whole family down, and this is the funny thing. When I told my family, they didn't even care. They were, they were 100% supportive of me. Wow. And I just, I, like I'm crying, like I'm crying right now, I cried to my dad. I was like, I feel like I let you down. They were so supportive of me. And they, they've helped both of me and her out so much. And I just, I thank her for her strength. Because... If it wasn't for her, I don't, I don't know where I would be right now. I don't know what my life would look like. I wouldn't have gotten into real estate. I, I used to drink a lot. I'd probably, I'd probably, I'd probably just be drinking all the time. So, Yeah man, I don't know those dreams though. Those dreams. It was like prophetic. And I've had so many experiences on Ayahuasca too where it's like, It'll take me back and I'm reliving dreams from my childhood. It's, it's weird man, I don't understand, it's like you go into different dimensions, but yeah.

8:24

I hope you're enjoying this week's episode of fatherhood voices, breaking the toxic cycle. Now we have a special gift for you. If you're enjoying the episode, you can go ahead and go to Edward Rodarte. com backslash toolbox. And you can go ahead and request a summary of the podcast. Now, the neat thing about this is not only does it have the key takeaways and it gets straight to the core of the message of the podcast. But it also gives you some great takeaways along with some exercises that you can start to do in order to heal and rebuild the relationship with your children

Edward: 9:01

what the previous guests I was just here earlier, he shared how plant medicine on ayahuasca and psilocybin. I actually showed him how to be a parent. Yeah. And unlocked a lot of things that he knew the way he needed to show up. And I'm just gonna ask you, how has planned Medicine impacted your life and how you show up for not only your children, but also

Guest: 9:30

for your wife? You know, it's allowed me to really go within myself in a different level that I've never thought I could. But um, I guess energetically I was able to really just see parts of my family that I never really would have been able to. Um, I was able to see what my parents went through. You know, at, you know, raising a sick daughter. You know, being really young. You know, my mom, my dad had me when he was 17. My mom, I think my mom was 18. And so I was able to experience that and really just see that and it allowed me to really understand and see that the kids are the most important. And that I remind myself that they're the most important. Be patient. You know, and my son's running around being loud and being this normal like kid. Don't stop it. And don't get me wrong. At times being an adult, you tend to be like, Hey, quiet. And then I remember I'm like, that's, that's okay. And what really opened my, my, my mind to it is we had some friends over last week, you know, and her son's really outgoing, free spirited, right? And, you know, he walks around barefoot or whatever. He's being a kid. He puts his feet on the wall and the walls get dirty and she kind of I can tell she's Bothered like oh shit, and we trying to clean it and she looked at me and she's like I'm so like she felt bad I'm sorry. I said He's just a kid. I Was like I could paint the walls. I was like, he doesn't know what he's doing He's just being a kid, but I said it in a way where I was like, I don't give a shit Like let him be like he's fine Like, he's doing what he's supposed to be doing, and we shouldn't interrupt that. And I wanted her to know, like, he's fine, like, don't feel like, in any way, like, he's being a kid, like, we are to let the children be children, and remember that we were once that. And, and I, and I had to go back, and what I went back to is remembering. When I did something as a kid and I got yelled at and spanked because I did something as a kid and I was like, and it reminded me of that. And I was like, he was just playing, putting his feet on the wall, just being, you know, being a kid. And I was like, shit, I remember getting my ass beat for doing that. And I'm like, I'm not going to make him feel uncomfortable or the hurt his mom. You know, it's just the wall. I can care less. And you know what? I didn't paint the wall. I left it reminded me of being a kid. It's

Edward: 12:34

interesting. You say that because I went to grab something to eat the other day. Normally I just grab it and head back to the office. But I was sitting down. And there was a couple there with their son. And he was running back. I was sitting at a booth and he was running back in the booth. And then he kind of popped me on the head. You know, and I turned around and I just kind of laughed. I was enjoying the laughter. You know, so I was eating just kind of on my phone and stuff. And she's, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, you know. And then she started to yell and scold him. I think he was probably two years old. And I said, excuse me, excuse me. It's like, she's like, no, I said, I'm sorry. I said, no, no. Can you do me a favor? Can you never apologize for your son again? He's just been a kid. Oh, wow. And the look on her face Was like And she had to sit for a moment to process it because even the boyfriend or husband, you know Because I just had to shut her down like right away like, okay, hold on. No, don't apologize. He's just being good So that just kind of reminded me of that story and and we're so quick as parents, especially young parents That we want to scold our children or we want to correct their behavior, but they don't know it, but they're just Exploring they're just being kids. They're just they have no fear. They have no boundaries and when we instill our Fear on them when we instill our rules on them that are just outside the norm We hinder their growth. We enter their emotion. We create trauma Yeah, we do

Guest: 13:59

and it's important as parents not to interrupt their journey And, uh, I, I've learned that and I said, you know what, um, who am I? You know, yeah, we have beliefs and we want to instill those beliefs in our kids, but we also have to allow their minds to freely think for themselves and not interrupt their journey of what they're going through. Because I feel like we're supposed to be like we're elders. We should guide them. Because what would happen in a tribe, right? There was elders and you would look for them for guidance. But you would learn from your mistakes. They wouldn't interrupt you from learning, right? And so the way I look at things is like, I'm the elder. Yes, I'm the father, but I'm the elder. I've gone through life. I have experiences. So they're going to go through life and they're going to make mistakes, but I'm not going to be angry at them. Because that's not how we teach them. That's not how they're going to learn. They're going to learn by making mistakes. And learning from them. So, you know, my daughter, yesterday, we're sitting at the kitchen table, and we're eating, and my wife, she's making them food, and she starts mouthing off like a normal 11 year old would. I just grabbed her phone, and put it next to me. And she starts telling me a bunch of stuff, and she's getting really aggravated, and starts talking loudly, right? And I'm calm. And I said, hey, we don't communicate like that with one another. She's like, but why are you taking my phone? And, you know, her phone's a big deal. And I said, do me a favor, go take a shower, process what you're doing, and when you come back and you can explain to me what you did, get your phone back. Hmm. So... We took her phone, and she goes, takes a shower, and I asked her, what, you know, what did you do? And she's telling me, and I said, no. I said, we're your parents. You are to respect us no matter what. I said, because respect is important. And I said, the other thing is, when you get frustrated, you can't communicate like this to people. Even us. I said, because this is not how you communicate. I said, so you need to learn to control your, your, the way you talk. And don't come out of tone. I said, otherwise it's going to cause more problems. I said, but this is the last time I, I'm going to tell you. I said, next time you're going to figure it out on your own. And I told her that night. I said, here's your phone. I said, but, just know that there's always a lesson in everything. Remember? And whether it's positive or negative, you got to sit back with yourself. And say, what can I learn from this? And reprocess what happened? I said,'cause that's where the, that's where those nuggets are for you. I said, because I could tell you, I said, but you need to figure it out on your own. That's how you're gonna learn. Mm-hmm. And she kind of looked at me and that's how I talked to my daughter. You know, I don't, I don't put like, no, you gotta do this. You're doing it wrong. No, no, no, no, no. Like, you know, and you know, at times my wife will do that, but she's starting to also kind of revert back into the like, Yeah, let's not be that way neither. You know, it still comes out.'cause that's how we were, she was raised that way and we were raised that way. Right. But I always tell her, hey, our job is not to interrupt their journey. Our job is to be their guide and be exam the best examples we can for them. And if we do that, our kids will be fine. Because they will, they will be exactly who they're meant to be. Wow.

Edward: 17:43

A lot of times as parents, we stay in for the children, but it's doing more damage than it is good. And there's fighting going on and there's yelling and screaming. And the kids know, like, they want this to end. But yet, in the parents mind, it's like, no, we gotta stick it out for the children. So it's funny that you, and your brother, came to that realization that, You knew like this should have ended five years earlier. So that's powerful. Not only for fathers, but for mothers that if it's just not working, then sometimes you're doing more damage to your kids by staying in the relationship. Yes. So, sorry, I'll let you continue. No,

Tommy: 18:21

and so going on that, um, This is in Bible study. A question was asked, do I stay with my wife? Just for the kid. Is it more honorable to do that? Um, my parents stay together, but there's no arguing. They just did their separate thing. They slept in separate rooms. We thought that was normal because it was happening. That's just happened. We were still loved. There was, but kid you not, there was no arguing, but there was no affection either towards each other. So we didn't, we didn't see too much affection when it came to that towards them. But we saw togetherness when it came to raising us. So I, I, I don't want to paint that picture that, Oh, there was a strife. So my advice to the, to the guy who brought that up in Bible study was because everybody else, Oh yeah, you got to stay together. I go, are you arguing? Are you, are you guys, is it a toxic relationship? Now your kid's going to think that toxic relationships are normal. And I, and I never want a kid to think that's normal, you know, the kid is always looking at what you do as a dad about how you act towards your wife, everything, everything you do. So I told him at the end, I said, what you got to do is if you're in it, be all in and make sure you're, you show your wife love. You come in in the morning, you give her a kiss goodbye, you give her a kiss hello, you show her love because he's watching everything and when you guys eat together, eat together, be all in. If you're going to do it, be all in but if you don't, you're going to, he's going to show you, uh, he, when he gets older, he's going to think that's normal. Now, he's going to look for that relationship. So,

Edward: 20:16

that's wow. You just dropped some serious knowledge and some great Instagram quotes like Just powerful. Um, yeah, powerful takeaways for, for parents, especially if they're, you know, trying to figure out whether to stay or not stay. But while you're there, be all in. Be all in.

Tommy: 20:35

I love that. Be all in.

Edward: 20:37

Love that. So now you're, uh, into adulthood. And now tell me about, uh, when you had your first child or, What things looked like as you found your, uh, relationship and so forth. And

Tommy: 20:53

so, um, back a little bit, my, my dad, my parents were at every event. Um, every time I look up as my dad and his friend, Nick, they were always there. So little emotional. No, my dad's not here anymore. Um, so now I have Tommy. It it changes you from not being selfish now you guys you got somebody you got to take care of So you have somebody else You got to take care of I think I was telling you that it the way you're thinking Everything changes the way you protect the way you view tv. Everything changes. I started, um, getting emotional about tv. Like if I watch a program, they have a kid or a dad, father, son. Here I am. I'm like, I'm crying. What the heck is going on? It's because of this dude, this new life in my, in my life, you know? Um, I was cultural wrestling at the time. And even like, even the kids say, Oh, you changed, you're soft. It happens, you know? Um, so yeah, Tommy was a change. Um, Tommy got me to go to church after my mom been trying to get me for years. Tommy got me to go to church. Um,

Edward: 22:36

how? So how did Tommy, how old was he that now? You saw that church needed to be a pillar in your life.

Tommy: 22:47

So, it makes you realize how blessed you've been. And, like I said, it used to be, oh, I did this. But I have friends that, we had the same life. They went this way. But I stayed this way, you know, I didn't get in much trouble. God was watching over me. Here I am. He's giving me the opportunity to raise his child. So it just hit when he came that a it's time for you to, because I gotta lay a foundation because my mom laid the foundation when it came to bring God in our life. Now, here I am. I gotta lay a foundation because he's gonna stray. I think Everybody strays, but we all come back because we've got to have someone to go to. And, and, and so that's how, you know, he changed me.

Edward: 23:55

So, let me ask you a question. Is there anything your mom, so as your mom was trying to get you to go to church and instilling, you know, faith as a pillar in your life, is there anything differently that your mom could have done as you were going into your young adulthood? that would have shifted you to, to start your journey with the Lord sooner? Nah. No.

Tommy: 24:22

Cause she, we were going early. We were going to Bible school, we were going early. So, no. She did what she was supposed to do. It was up to us to drink the water, so to speak. You know, it was up to us to alright, we gotta start listening. Cause as parents, all we could do is lay foundation, right? And, and it's up to them to make the decisions after that. Um, we kept making the decision to act up in church. I remember we, we were in church and we kept acting up, and then finally she said, I'm not taking you guys again. Wow. Never had to go to church again. You know. Wow. Um, so is that a

Edward: 25:05

strategy you used to get outta church?

Tommy: 25:08

I mean, we didn't know because we, every week we did the same thing. It was the same thing every week. We were hitting each other, you know, but all right, we stopped going to church, you know, she went though, um, she went, she prayed for us. I didn't, her prayers were the protection that we needed, you know, um, she was consistent. She, I go to her church now. Um, she's part of the reason why I give back, you know, um, so yeah, she, she did her job. Now, do you

Edward: 25:42

think, um, by her finally surrendering and, and not allowing you guys to go, do you think that slowed the process of you going back to church or do you think it just kind of, kind of worked at the time because, um, in retrospect, if she would have not given in and just, even if you guys were acting a fool, it

Tommy: 26:03

could, yeah, yeah, you're right. It could, it could have, uh, It could. Um, but it's funny. I had the conversation last night of Bible study because I have a Bible study on Tuesday and Wednesday and last night's Bible study was what takes us so long. Why do we all over? We're all over 50. Why are we? Why did it take us that long? You know, we we go through these but I equate it to we all have a God uses us to have testimonies to be able to share these stories with each other. We all have to go through something so we could, um, have a testimony. You know, um, to me it's to rely more on Him. Um, and so, we all have our journeys and we all just gotta go through it.

Alyssa: 26:58

For parents that are trying to heal the relationship with their children, I'd say especially when it comes to the children, to just give them time. Don't expect it to happen right away, even if you really want it to. Be prepared to have some hard conversations. And to take whatever it is that they're going to throw at you. I mean, there is definitely a line of respect, but you also need to understand that if you cross somebody's boundaries, and their respect, then you have to earn that again. Because, I mean, I can remember, I had no respect for you. Which is why I just didn't care for you. Now, that respect has been earned back, but it's going to take patience. And it's going to take openness. And sometimes it's going to take giving your child that space to process, but just to let them know that you're still there. And that might be a lack of seeing them, a lack of conversations, or being able to participate in certain things, but you just have to trust in the process that just by always trying, because my biggest thing was, I never wanted you to stop trying, because that's what made the biggest impact. So you can't stop trying.

Edward: 28:12

And, um, wow, that hits, that hits, um, home, uh, in my heart, but it also hits because I have, um, a few friends that are going through, uh, turmoil right now with their relationship with their kids and they haven't spoken for a few years. And I remember you sharing that with some of them and then with me that the biggest hurt you had was that, um, I stopped trying and you wanted me to try. And hearing that because we were in a very dark place, a very bad place. But just to know that even though we were in this dark place, you still wanted your father to still keep trying. And I think that's a powerful message that you're sharing with um, other fathers and also mothers. Is that even if you are in that bad place with your children to not stop trying because deep down inside You're still just a little girl or little boy inside

Alyssa: 29:21

You can't be afraid to put yourself out there And it's very scary, especially when it comes to your kids because if you think about it, they know you More than a lot of people do I mean they grew up with you they stood with you through your Evolvement as a person and it's so essential that you just continue to try and allow space where it needs to be but to also let your children know that within that space that you give them that you're always going to be there because eventually one day, kind of like what happened to me, if they know that you're there, they'll call on you. When they

Edward: 30:03

need you, they'll call. Fatherhood, Breaking the Toxic Cycle, another beautiful episode as me and my daughter continue our process of healing our relationship from childhood into adulthood.