EP. 77 Postpartum Is the Real Fight: How Fathers Must Show Up with Edward Rodarte & Ryan Dion

In this powerful episode of Fatherhood Voices, Edward Rodarte sits down with Ryan Dion, creator of The Family Formula, for an honest conversation about postpartum recovery, emotional safety, fatherhood, relationships, and what it truly means for a man to show up after a baby is born.

Ryan explains that childbirth may last a day, but the real fight often begins when the family comes home. Mothers may be recovering physically while also experiencing major hormonal, mental, and emotional changes. During this time, fathers cannot simply wait to be told what to do.

They must learn to recognize what needs to be done and take responsibility for their household.

Ryan shares the important difference between a father who “helps” and a father who truly shows up. A father who helps acts like an assistant and waits for instructions. A father who shows up handles meals, laundry, pediatrician appointments, breastfeeding supplies, visitors, household responsibilities, and anything else that protects the mother’s peace.

Edward also reflects honestly on the ways he failed to understand postpartum during his own marriage and how education, humility, empathy, and accountability can help men break these toxic cycles.

This episode explores how exhaustion, selfishness, pride, lack of intimacy, and unspoken resentment can slowly create distance between partners. It also shows how fathers can protect their relationships by shifting their priorities away from themselves and toward their families.

Once the baby arrives, the responsibilities change. The priorities must change too.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Postpartum depression, anxiety, and other serious complications
• Why postpartum recovery can last much longer than people realize
• The difference between helping and truly showing up
• Why asking a mother what needs to be done can create another task for her
• The father’s “second shift” after coming home from work
• Preparing the household before the baby arrives
• Birth plans and the importance of giving mothers a voice
• Creating an after-birth plan for fathers and families
• Protecting a mother’s peace and respecting her boundaries
• Breastfeeding, pumping, meal preparation, and daily household support
• How exhaustion and selfishness create resentment
• Emotional safety, appreciation, and reassurance during postpartum
• Why fathers must educate themselves instead of waiting for instructions
• Shifting priorities from personal wants to the needs of the family

This is a conversation every new father, expecting father, husband, partner, and family member needs to hear.

Postpartum should not be something a mother has to survive alone. Fathers must educate themselves, take initiative, protect the household, support their partners, and become fully present for their families.

Thank you for watching Fatherhood Voices: Breaking the Toxic Cycle.

Host: Edward Rodarte
Guest: Ryan Dion
Instagram: The Family Formula
Podcast: Fatherhood Voices

#FatherhoodVoices #Fatherhood #Postpartum #PostpartumSupport #NewFathers #RyanDion #EdwardRodarte #TheFamilyFormula #BreakingTheToxicCycle #EmotionalSafety #NewParents #MarriageAfterBaby #PostpartumDepression #FathersSupportingMothers

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

But once the baby comes, you gotta shift that mindset from OVU to the family. And uh some guys struggle with that. Some guys struggle with that. You have new responsibilities. But sometimes the priorities don't change. Sometimes the priorities are still geared toward the husband's wants and desires.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Welcome to Fatherhood Voices, breaking the toxic cycle. Diving as real dads bear all, the mess ups, make ups, and every heartfelt moment in between. It's raw, it's real, and it might just change the way you see family.

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Welcome to another episode of Fatherhood Voices. So, man, we're back in the swing of things, and this is now episode 77. And this one's gonna be a special one because uh there's a little bit of a family connection on how this one happened. Uh, my guest today is Ryan Dion, and um he has a uh Instagram following called The Family Formula, and it deals with postpartum. And not only does it look at um the ups and downs that women go through with postpartum, but it also deals with the men's bullshit when it comes to postpartum and how you're not dealing with it and how you're putting it off to the side and not making it real. So the way this one came about was um my daughter actually uh follows him, and we were having a conversation a couple weeks ago. Says, hey dad, says um, you should have this guy on your podcast. And I said, Oh, what's it about? I said, gangs, drugs, and what it says, no, postpartum, postpartum. Says, yeah, no, he's got a lot of good advice, and and and I really connect with it. So I reached out and we had a great conversation, and yeah, so now fast forward, he's made the drive all the way from up north four or five hours just to be here today, and to share his wisdom and knowledge, which started with something that happened with his wife, and the door being shut on her when she was struggling with um the birth of one of her child, um, one of her children, and postpartum that kicked in. And it's so neat to get a male's perspective on on this because so much we hear about the women's side and we hear from a woman's perspective, but to actually have a uh masculine man call this out and and call you men out on it, I think is beautiful. So, with no other further ado, Ryan, welcome to Fatherhood Voices. Edward, thanks for having me, sir. I appreciate that. No, thank you. You know, I've had a chance to binge a content, um, almost stalk it, you know, and go through. And a lot of patterns that um I started to see uh when my children were born and what their mom experienced, and how I um just shut her off when she talked about postpartum and depression. And and to me, in my mind, it was just a weakness or a crutch. Like, get over it, go take some pills. But like, we got shit to do. We got a baby take care of. I need you to get back in the kitchen, I need you to cook, clean, and take on your roles and responsibilities, you know, as as the woman of the household, because that was my mindset, you know, back then. And it's unfortunate that only in the last couple of years that I've been on my journey of healing that I realized like how much toxicity I've also added to the to the stress, in addition to the postpartum. And going through your content and looking at how you're calling uh the men out on this and and exposing it, I think it's it's beautiful. And I just wanted to kind of dive in and find out where did all this come from? One day you're just sitting there minding your own business, and all of a sudden it just hits you. What sparked the passion? What sparked the the drive to now start calling men out? Because when I see it, I see you calling men out on it. And I could be I could be wrong, but but is is that what you're doing? Or what are you trying to do with the audience?

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Well, first things first, I'm trying I want to support mothers, first of all. Okay, they go through a lot, physically and emotionally. Secondly, I want to see the fathers step up to the plate. A lot of times they don't have the proper guidance when it comes to pregnancy delivering a postpartum. And in fact, I get a lot of messages from people saying how they appreciate my content because they didn't have a father growing up, or they didn't have guidance, and they didn't know how to necessarily navigate this season in their life. So I want to support moms and I want to see fathers step up to the plate. And I'm bridging that gap because, like I said, they don't have the information, they don't have the experience, they don't have the guidance. Maybe they didn't have a father in their life growing up to show them or teach them about this time in their life. So that's the void that I'm filling. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

And you know, you've zeroed in, you've laser focused in on something that is actually a bigger problem than I realized. I didn't realize how much postpartum depression women go through. And, you know, I wish I would have researched the statistics, but the more and more that um I'm starting to have, you know, I started having these conversations with uh a lot of women that have had children um just because I was gonna have you on. So I said, you know, tell me about this postpartum. And I would say out of 10 women that I talked to, at least eight of them experienced some form of postpartum. Some were more severe, some weren't severe, but it's it's a growing trend. It's something that's out there.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

And let me let me add something to that. Those may be the women or the mothers that were act that were actually diagnosed. Sometimes it goes undiagnosed. So the woman is suffering from it, but she doesn't know she has it. Um, and that's caused by uh it's pretty much a huge hormonal shift. After you, once you once the woman gets pregnant, these chemicals just kick in estrogen, progesterone, and some other stuff. And many other um chemicals, they kick in and they ramp up because they got to create this baby. Once they have the child, they don't need the high level of chemicals anymore, so they just drop. And that affects mothers in different ways. Um, you talk about post-partum depression, mother starts feeling depressed, she starts feeling like she's maybe not a good mother, maybe she's not doing a good job. Um, she starts feeling really withdrawn. Maybe TV shows that she used to like, she doesn't like them anymore. Um she's not sleeping, and even when the baby is sleeping, she's not sleeping. That's like postpartum depression. Um now, another one, since we're talking about postpartum depression, another one is called postpartum anxiety. That's when the the mother is really worried. She's create she's creating things to worry about. Maybe the baby is asleep and she's checked on the baby 10, 15, 20 times. Say, Mom, get some rest. She's still checking on the baby. Her mind is just going because she's just worried. It's like she's it's like she creates things to be worried about. That's postpartum anxiety. Now, I made a video the other day on my Instagram about another one that's pretty rare, but it's called postpartum psychosis. And that's actually when your your um a woman's reality is severely impaired. And that's a that's more of a medical emergency. I think it's maybe one or two people out of every 1,000 births is affected by that. But those just those are just some of the issues that mothers deal with. And then you have other things that you have to look out for when they come home from the hospital. Those are those things are more mental. Then you have stuff like uh uh, well, let me just tell you a story first. Um, when we had our first child, me and my wife, um, and we came home and she started having a headache. And now she she would call the advice nurse and say, I have a headache. And a lot of times, and this is one of the uh things I have an issue with, a lot of times the mother is maybe dismissed or um uh not supported like she should be, because a lot of times a nurse will say, Well, it's just a part of pregnancy. You'll be okay, it's just a part of pregnancy. We're not gonna look too deep too deep into it, so we just kind of dismiss the mother. It's just a part of pregnancy. Well, my wife started having a lingering headache that would not go away. She also was having swelling, and sometimes swelling is normal, but she had swelling, plus she had a lingering headache, and then she started, what did she start doing? She had the headache, she had the swelling, and then she had high blood pressure. So at that point, we said, we need to go get this checked out. So when we went, they they they they pretty much um said this is an emergency because at any minute you could have a stroke or have a seizure, and your life could be on the line, or like your life could be at risk. And so what they did was they um they gave her magnesium to make her blood pressure go down. And I think she's we at that point in time we spent about three or four days in a hospital um um doing uh magnesium, and the nurse was constantly checking in on us. And so that's when we found out about postpartum preclampsia, and that's very serious. And like I said, if if you don't get that checked out, man, you could you could pass away from that. That's very serious. Now, that's postpartum. You also have preclampsia, um, pregnancy preclampsia. Now, this preclampsia, you pretty much have the same symptoms, but the only difference is you still have the baby inside you. And that can be really serious because your life is at risk and baby's life is at risk. A lot of times they just have to deliver this baby, whether the baby's at term or not, they gotta get it out there, they got they gotta deliver it because you don't want to have the baby's life at risk.

SPEAKER_02 10:29

You know, so what I'm hearing from you saying is as men, partners, husbands, boyfriends, when our women that are pregnant or going through this, there's a lot more going on inside. It's not just the um mood swings and not just the anxiety, the depression that we we see, but there's a lot of internal stuff going on. And so many times men aren't raised to really be empathetic towards that. You know, it's like, okay, it's you know, because as as men, we're like, we want to just solve things like, you know, okay, get over it, go, you know, take some medicine or or do something to relieve it so you can move on. But there is some internal stuff going is going on inside and chemicals being released and so forth that's really messing them up. And um, that's you know, I'm glad that we're having this conversation because it's exposing a whole different side to what's happening, what we're feeling externally, because there's a lot of internal stuff happening.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

Just to piggyback off that, you know, once mom has a baby and then she's recovered physically a little bit, where she's now walking around, maybe doing taking off some chores. A lot of a lot of fathers feel like, oh, she's she's back. Slow down, sir. She's not back. Because it's a lot internally going on, like you just mentioned, mentally, emotionally. Is she feeling emotionally safe? Are you making her feel safe? Emotionally. Um post- I mean, the whole period of postpartum could take a year, two years. So it's really important that dad is empathetic toward mom because it is a lot going on inside.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

You know, you um talk about something that stood out that I wanted to reference as you talk about men um not being there for the due date meaning. And um, you know, I wanted to get some perspective on that. Like, what should uh the man or the partner be doing prior to the due date? Because I know, at least in in my situation, I was checked out. I was not there emotionally, physically, psychologically, you name it, it's just like okay, we're just want as soon as um the bad mood mood swings hit, I was out the door. As soon as, like I said, I saw that it was gonna be a bad day, I was out. So um now looking back in retrospect, I wish I would have showed up differently, but that's just not being educated, not choosing to be educated, because I guess at any time I could have made that choice. And when we're so prideful in our ego, a lot of times we just it's inherited, you know, we it's a learned behavior from what we saw our parents through, what we saw their grandparents through. So it's almost like a pattern that that just repeats itself, uh a toxic cycle. And when you talked about, you know, the man uh not being there, you know, for the due date, what did you mean by that?

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Well, I tell a story on Instagram where I was I was in the house eating a tub of ice cream, and then my my wife's water broke and um the next the next thing I know I was on the road driving like Dominic Toretto with a red bull on my hand. But in my in my story on Instagram, we bought a crib for the baby, but we didn't put the crib together. The crib been sitting laying on the wall for about three weeks now because we still had about four more weeks till baby arrived. Wow, but baby decided to come early. So the the car seat, not the car seat, the bed is just sitting in my room, not put together, the car seat sitting in a sitting in a box in a living room, we still had a lot of shopping for baby to to complete, and so that's what inspired that post. Now, if you really want to be prepared for the due date, or if you really want to be prepared, you need to focus mentally. I'm talking about dad right here. Get his man right, meaning educate herself. Okay, what is mom gonna be going through? How can you support mom? Is she breastfeeding? If she's breastfeeding, how can you support while she's breastfeeding? Um things to look out for as far as like postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum um uh postpartum hemorrhaging, um, uh preclampsia. Learn about those things so you can know what to look out for, so you can take care, take care of mom properly. That's one thing. So the educational piece. Now, getting your house ready. Okay, do you have dip? Are you stocked up on diapers? Do you have baby clothes? Do you have towels for the baby? Do you have lotion for the baby? Do you have all the stuff for the baby in the house? Do you have meals for mom? Maybe you have to go to work. Do you have something easy for mom that she can fix herself? I mean, so it's a lot that goes into the prep. Another piece of it is the systems piece, okay? Um, who's taken off of work? How long is dad taken off of work? Is mom how long is mom taking off of work? Uh, if they have to go back to work, who's watching the baby? Um, if you have other kids in the house, like smaller kids, and you let's just say maybe you have to go take mom to the hospital, who's watching the other kids?

SPEAKER_02 16:14

You know, right here saying all this, it's almost like starting a fucking business. Like we're literally writing the business plan for what to do, pre-launch, launch, and sustainability in sales. Because you're saying this in my mind. I'm going back to my NBA, and it's like, okay, we're writing a business plan. You're writing a business plan on you know, pre-baby, baby, and then after baby. It's a business plan, is what it is. It's it's a guide, a roadmap, whatever you want. My mind just went to business plan. We're now writing this new baby into existence.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

Let me tell you, when I had my first child, we may be labored for 20 hours. Nah. But it's just but it's just one day, though. It's just one day. The real fight is postpartum. And let me tell you, when I was in a hospital and that nurse delivered our baby girl, and I had a little tear in my eye. I said, Man, this baby girl is beautiful. I'm happy she's here. Then the nurse put my baby girl in the little baby bassinet, and then she gave me the bassinet. And I said, Are you leaving her with me? And that was that was the beginning of it, man. So the real the real fight is postpartum because labor is just a day. And I mean, if you guys are at the hospital, yeah, dad, we need you for support, but it's a team of nurses and being cared for and they're being careful after the fact.

SPEAKER_02 17:53

You know, I seen um something just the other day, and I want to get your take on this because when you were talking, you just reminded me of this. Uh, a woman last year in Australia had a baby, but she went into a coma. And what I learned to understand as my adult children have educated me is the touch for the baby is for the mom to have the touch, and skin contact is like very important once a baby's born, and then the father to have it also. So she goes into coma, and so the father refused to let anybody pick up that baby until she came out of her coma. And she came out three days later, or no, I think it was two or three days later, and then he allowed the mom to have that contact, skin contact, to be the first one, because they said that was um like that bonding moment. He didn't want anybody experienced the baby to have the first contact, skin contact, unless it was with the mom. So he afraid he's you know, he knew that like said, no, she's gonna wake up, she's gonna wake up. And people thought it was self-rest, they were, you know, our family was angry and upset. How important is that to postpartum too?

SPEAKER_00 19:05

The baby's born and just to have that skin contact, does that help or I would say in my in my in my journey and is in postpartum and delivery everyone does things the way they want to do with them. Do them. For instance, some moms, yes, they want to hold baby first, but some moms will let dad hold baby first. Um, it's a part of that baby and that parent bonding together, yes. So personally, in in regards to this the the thing that took place in Australia, I mean, if I was if I was dead, I would have just picked that baby up and held that baby. Um, but that's the way he wanted to do it, and so that's his right to do so. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04 20:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

You know what? So one of my daughters just had a baby um two months ago, and I remember she said, she said, Dad, can you go to the office and print out um my plan? Like your plan, pre-birth plan. Okay. She had three fucking pages.

unknown 20:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Three fucking okay. Can I just say three fucking pages of who could be in the room, who could not be in the room, who could do this, what to administer, what not to administer. Um she didn't want this, she didn't. It was basically a roadmap of is this the new? Because I had never heard of this before, and and maybe because I'm not a woman, or maybe I just haven't educated myself on it. It was three page. I I had it on my reverented, I just took it down like last week. It was a step-by-step, it said, so something it said in there. No, no, um, no Dr. Trinees in the room. Um, it said, um, you know, I don't want um um any type of pain, you know, pain medications. I don't want to be induced, like I want a natural. Of course, in the end, they gave her a fucking epidology because it's like, yeah, that shit was hurting after five, ten hours. Like some of that plan went out the window. Okay, it's like, no, give me the epidoles. But um, it was a step-by-step guide. Is this the new generation of uh because I don't remember uh my wife having a plan, I don't remember my mom having a plan, even if people are talking, I don't remember a very detailed plan. It was bullet points and it was broken down into categories and sections. I looked at this and I was actually blown away. Like, I at number one, at first I was like, she's fucking trippy. But then when I sat back and I'm like, man, I didn't give her credit. Like, she'd really done the research because she really dived into the pregnancy and and what she Was allowed to take and not take, who could be in the role, who could touch the baby, no cameras, no like it was basically, like I said, the working decal roadmap. And you know, when she presented, as she presented it, and of course they looked irritated from what I heard. And they said, Well, we're gonna try to honor it as much as we can, but you know, that's all we can do is we use it as a reference, but we don't know what's gonna happen when you're going through the delivery. Have you heard of this?

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Yes, we had a birth plan. Okay, birth plan. Okay, that's what it's called. It's a birth plan, and I think it's important. Okay, I mean, I think it gives mothers a voice, right? They're not just being subjected to whatever the medical provider wants to do to them or deems fit to do to them. Maybe they don't want certain drugs, you know? Maybe they don't want certain people in the hospital room. Maybe if there's a situation that goes down, maybe they would rather do it this way and not that way. So they have a voice, they have a say-so in um how they're being treated in the hospital. So I think it's important. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 23:06

You know, you just said something that really stood out, it's giving them a voice. And I'm sure when you're going through the delivery and so forth, all rationale goes out the window because you have this pain and you're trying to breathe and you're trying to do other things. Okay, so initially it just kind of was like, man, her fucking ego and pride is so like, but it is a normal, so it's a birth plan. And wow, now hearing you spin it just that way, it hits differently. Because when I looked at it, I was like, man, she's been a little controlly. But now you it was right there in front of me all along, but the dots didn't connect. And just when you said that, it gave her a voice, it just hit like, wow, I get it now. So thank you for that. That was something powerful because it's their voice when they're under duress, when they're under that stress. And what make you guys did you have it for all three children?

SPEAKER_00 24:00

Uh yes, sir. Well, well, look, like now I'm a very informed father, but my wife is like a she she's on top of things. I mean, when it comes to women's health, you know, when it comes to when it comes to like minority women, how minority women are being treated in the hospitals and how, you know, uh complications and like maybe their death rate and stuff like that when it comes to minorities, how it's a it's a little bit higher than other people. So she's on top of all that kind of stuff. And so she she was really been a lot of a big motivation, motivational factor for me and inspiration um for me to like learn what I know now and kind of be informed myself. So that's that's all my wife, man.

SPEAKER_02 24:49

Now, you said something that stood out that I wanted to ask you about. You said there's a difference between a man who helps and a man who shows up. Okay, I need to hear this. Okay. So where does this come from and what's the difference between a man who helps and who shows up? Because when I think about it, I think it's the same thing. You're showing up, you're you're helping, but uh maybe you're not emotionally present. Maybe you're physically present, but maybe you're checked out emotionally. So is that kind of the line you're going with? Or what is your take on that? Well, let me just tell you.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

When we came from the came home from the hospital, and my my wife, she had a C-sex once, so she was cut through seven layers of tissue. She could barely walk. She couldn't even get in the shower without me helping her. So she couldn't do anything. So in that moment, after we got home, something just kicked in, and something just kicked in. It was kind of like instinctual. Where I just I was just taking care of everything. Laundry, making sure the house is clean, food, um, baby's uh three-day appointment, um with a pediatrician. Um I was um making sure uh certain visitors or visitors wasn't just coming over any time of the day. So I had to kind of um what is it called to I was that um my man's gonna overreactive or just no, I was just I was just taking care of my house, making sure my wife had uh space to um have get the rest that she needed and get the sleep that she needed and to so she could be at peace. Um her cell phone after a certain time of the day, I'm cutting her ringer down so y'all don't disturb her. Like that's the father that's showing up. Um he don't he don't have to be told what to do. He sees a problem and he solves it. He just takes care of it. You don't need to ask mom. The other father, was what's the help? The one that helps? The one that helps, he's like an assistant. Hey, what do you need me to do? Hey, what do you tell me what to do?

SPEAKER_02 27:08

He's like an assistant. I love that. The help, when the father that helps is the assistant, and the one that shows up is just taking charge. It's just going ahead and now stepping in for uh mom's roles and dad's roles and and protecting her piece, protecting her container. You know, you opened up something that I wanted to touch on. My daughter was um when it came to people coming around and touching the baby, like for the first couple of weeks, was like and I thought it was a little over-extreme, a little over excessive. Where's the fine line there? Or what's your take on that? Because help me understand just from the work you've done in now this this niche with prenatal and so forth and postpartum. Um, what's your take on on how um some women have just gotten very um I don't want to say controlling, but just being so protective of their infant child that they don't want people to touch them or hold them or anything for the first couple of weeks.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Let me add, let me add one more thing to the last question. Okay. The thing about asking mama what to do, you're giving her another task. Now she has to figure out what you need to do. Just let mom rest and just take care of business. You know what I'm saying? Now she's she's having to go through her mind, go through a checklist of things. Oh, what do I what do we need done? So that's you you're making her, you're still making her work. You know what I'm saying? Now, in regard to mothers not wanting to be.

SPEAKER_02 28:43

Wait, hold hold off on that. Now you just opened up something that I want to go back to. So if you have, what did you call it? A pre-birth plan? What was it called? A birth plan. A birth plan. A birth plan. So if the time energy is being is put into a birth plan, shouldn't there be an afterbirth plan so that a father isn't just helping, but a father is showing up? Maybe that's something you need to create. Is it after birth plan also, in addition to a template birth plan, but also something for after the fact, because a lot of men aren't going to show up because they're programmed that I go out and make the money and I bring it home, and that's how I come by. So a lot of men aren't don't provide that emotionally safe um environment. And I'm just I'm just keeping it real. Like it's just it's probably more than 50% of the men. I'd say probably even 75% that don't show up, aren't gonna show up that way. They're gonna help, but they're gonna ask. Like, what do you need done? So maybe an after-birth plan that kind of spills it all out, spills it all out to help guide them. That makes it a little easier.

SPEAKER_00 29:50

You know what Eric, maybe, maybe that's what they need. A step-by-step booklet on what they need to do. Yeah, um, and and let me and you you just hit you just hear something. They feel like they, since they're the providers or they're providing, and that's it. No, I talk about in my videos, I talk about the second shift. Once you get off of work and you get home, man, work is not over. The second this is when you get home, that's the real work. Because this is the group of people that you love and you would die for at your at your nine to five, man, they'll fire you and have another guy fill your position next week. So if you if you go there and give 110%, how much more should you do for your household? So when it comes to, and listen, dad, I know you're tired. We all tired, but what once you get home, um, and you probably used to getting home, sitting down, kicking your feet up, grabbing that remote, and changing the channel, no, what needs to be done, and let's and let's just get to it. Give mom a break. Let me tell you something, Edward. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and that is one of the hard, that's that's one of the hardest jobs in the world, being a stay-at-home parent. A lot of men may not understand that because moms just do it so well and so make it makes it look so effortless sometimes. But that's one of the hardest jobs in the world. So, Dad, when you get home, give mom a break. Grab the baby, you go change the diaper, you get food ready, get the food ready for the kids. You handle bab time, let mom sit down and watch some TV. Because trust me, being a stay-at-home parent is harder than being then working a nine to five. I promise you it is. Because at work, you're talking to your peers. You guys are talking about current events and sporting and what's going on in sports and athletics, and you're really having a good time. Um, at home with the kids, mom don't get to talk to any peers. She don't get to talk about what's going on with uh with Yellowstone or some some show on Netflix. No, she's talking to the kids, and the kids are just screaming and running around. So she's she's getting no interaction from anybody her age.

SPEAKER_02 32:22

Louie K-pop. I don't know no motherfucking knowing.

SPEAKER_00 32:28

And let me tell you something. These kids never stop. They're like they have these batteries of just unlimited energy. They never stop. You never get a break. You can't even use the bathroom by yourself. The kids is running in the bathroom with you. Trust me, the stay-at-home parents have a very, very difficult job. So, dads, when you get home, give mom a break.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

You know, just having this conversation, you reminded me of something that we used to do on our podcasts. And um, so I had this download. When we would have guests on, we would come one of the concepts we would take and we would build a working um PDF. And so I'll give you an example. We had a guest on who um shared how um when her daughter was uh four years old, um her daughter, you know, they set separated from her husband, and her daughter was um she knew something was wrong, and she thought that maybe the father might have been um you know essaying the daughter, you know, molesting the daughter and so forth. And but she didn't know how to get the daughter to open up. So one day she got this idea of the pinky farmers, and she said, Okay, we're gonna play a game called the pinky farmers, and you and we're gonna do pinky farms. You can tell me anything you want, and my pinky promise is I won't share with anybody. And that's how she found out that um the dad was was touching the daughter, and then she never broke that promise, but then she allowed her mom to come in, and then the mom's the one that exposed it, and we turned that into a beautiful PDF on the pinky promises over, you know, just in talking. Um, Christian, um, we need to do this. I I want to create a working PDF on after the birth that we can do together and put out and on on what men should do. And so I I want to do that together. We'll work on it, we'll come up with a with a template, and then if you might already have one, but just something you just inspired me. I don't know why we stopped. We stopped it maybe 10 episodes, 15. It just kind of fell off. But it was neat to have um a working free PDF that we could send that when someone watches the um the podcast, they listen to it or they watch it, and they're like, oh my gosh, I want to get that. So they're taking value from it, and just knowing that I wasn't that man that um I was I showed up to help, but I wasn't there to show up. Yeah, that's uh a powerful guide that we could um give for free to the audience to just um get them on that track because there's a lot of men out there that still even it's gonna take the the the partner that's gonna say, here, here, motherfucker, like here's don't just put all this shit on me. Like, let's just be real, like here you need to watch in recons. And even if it's checklists, like at least it's gonna help make it a little bit easier. They may not follow everything, and that's okay. But at least if some men that normally wouldn't show up, at least check off 25% of that checklist, it's still gonna make a world of a difference more, and I think it's gonna minimize the fighting because after a baby's born, the hormones are all over the place. And you know, yeah, it's you know, and then like to and then you add postfardum and you add um, you know, all the imbalances and chimicals and the baby crying and the schedules and other kids, the dynamic. It's it's chaos. It's chaos. And that's not even talking about when baby starts seeding. That's a whole nother freaking avenue. But I honestly feel this PDF would be a great gift that we can we can offer to people. Okay. Um, that's just a checklist for for after, because you got the the pre-birth, but I think it's the afterbirth that's that's gonna help um the families even more. So I mean the the pre-birth for for the mom to give her that voice, but it's that plan afterwards. That and even if the um the partner, the husband, or the boyfriend isn't able to to step in, maybe because they're working 10, 12 hours, maybe maybe they just don't have it in them, or maybe they just ego and pride is so, or maybe then so much in that masculine that they're not willing to even text that, you know. I used to call it the little bit of feminine side, you know, masculine, feminine. This could be a plan that can be passed off to to the the the woman's mother or the sister or somebody else to say, hey, it's pinned up to my to my wall or to the refrigerator. Here's the things that I need support with. Yeah. Without even saying it, because you know, ego and pride gets in the way, even with women. And what I've seen is just like with men, a lot of times we don't want to ask for help because we're like, well, you should already know. You've been through childbirth before. But a lot of times, people don't know, but you know, what if I had a baby, what I may need may be different from what you need. And we can sit here and and and stay pissed off because oh, well, they didn't do this, or they could at least brought me something to eat, or they could have asked, but sometimes we don't know because I see these conflicts all the time, you know, all the time after a baby.

SPEAKER_03 37:32

You know?

SPEAKER_00 37:32

Well, I think when when you when you have a baby, the father has to has has to um have a shift in his of his mindset. Because before that baby came, maybe you went to the gym, maybe you went to the gym every Saturday and stayed all day, played basketball, lift the weights, talk to your to your to your to your friends. Maybe after work on Fridays, you like to go get you a drink after work. Maybe on Wednesdays. You know, you had a whole routine. You had a whole weekly routine and schedule that you followed, and it was all about you because, well, you were just taking care of yourself. Well, once the baby comes, you gotta shift that mindset from all for you to the family. And uh some guys struggle with that, some guys struggle with that. You have new responsibilities, but sometimes the priorities don't change. Sometimes the priorities are still geared toward the husband's wants and desires, but in reality, they have to shift to baby and to mom. When they don't shift, when the priorities don't shift with the responsibilities, then that's a big cause of conflict.

SPEAKER_02 38:51

You know, you just you you brought up a point that I think it's perfect segue. Something I notice with a couple people in my circle is men who have just uh been blessed with the birth of a of a baby, and they go and pick up the baby, and the baby starts crying. Here, I'm good, and they give that baby back like it's you know uh old cataber that just when they went through it is like nope, take it back, take it back, you know, or the baby shits, can I say shit while I did it? Oh, nope, take it back, you know. So what I've seen is a pattern, and it's not all men, but I've seen more than usual, maybe because I am more aware of it now, now that I'm more um trying to be present, like you know, 360-degree um Bruce Vector. I see the patterns of men like the baby starts crying, nope, they want to give it back. Um, the baby pooped, oh, give it back. The baby's hungry, oh, give it back. And you talk about how, yeah, uh uh uh a mom that just had a baby, and not only is she dealing with all the internal issues, the physical, the psychological, the mental, then she has a baby on top of it, and she's got to change the divers and feed the baby, and then if she's breastfeeding, that adds a whole other dynamic. And then now you've got the baby crying, and then she's what if other kids? So what do how do we start to shift that behavior in men? How do we start to like what's the magic pill to get them to understand, like, hey, when the baby's crying, if your partner's been dealing with this shit all day and you got home from work, and I get it, you may have had an alarm day, you may have had, you know, exerted a lot of physical energy, but she's been doing this all day. Now she needs a break. And unfortunately, we hear of more and more where women are actually taking their children's lives. Like they go into that depression and they just snap. And that's that's scary to fathom that it actually happens where a woman can snap because she's just so overwhelmed and so much, and it they don't have like you know I don't even know even know how to put it, but they just they lose it.

SPEAKER_00 41:13

Yeah, um I think that may have something to do with also being exhausted, selfishness plus exhaustion, that equals to be a very rocky household. Um, and let me tell you, when that baby is crying at 3 o'clock in the morning and you haven't had any sleep and you still physically recovering, I mean, it puts you in a different hair space. Or if you're that father who worked the 12-hour shift and now he's up at 3:30 in the morning and the baby won't stop crying, that puts you in a different hair space. And then that that exhaustion kicks in, man. Sometimes you just gotta put the baby down and go step outside for a second. Because a lot of times, in regards to what you said about somebody hurting a baby, a lot of times when that kind of thing happens, the parent is not a bad person. They're not a bad person. They just had a moment where they got weak and exhaustion kicked in and they just lost it for a second. So it's important to say, look, I need to go reset. Let me just go step outside, get some fresh air, and I'm gonna come back inside. So I think that's important.

SPEAKER_02 42:27

You just triggered a core memory that uh came back to when I was in law enforcement. I hadn't thought about this in years, but you just ensure you brought some, you triggered something. I remember going to a call uh at least two or three um in the past where a woman just shaked her infant because she was just um frustrated. And and I don't remember the whole story more because it's been like you know over two decades, but in just a fit of frustration, shake the baby, and then the baby the head snapped or they passed away. Um and I I think there's a syndrome for it, but shaking baby syndrome. Shaking baby syndrome, and and it just in that moment, and it wasn't they weren't bad bad mothers, say um, and unfortunately, now kind of recollecting they were younger mothers, and it's almost like it's kids having kids, is what it is. Yeah, but it's kids having kids, and I don't think we've uh educated our young girls enough on how to cope with all these dynamics that are coming through. And because of that, it seems like they're the ones that are um more susceptible to the shaking baby syndrome or to um snapping and and and and and you know, god forbid, doing things that in that moment of just crisis or just um they they they lose it and of course they end up limp for regret but it it's just in a split second of a moment how something can change and it just reminded me of of going to a couple of those calls decades ago and and it was just wasn't intentional they were accidental they were accidental and that let me tell you something Elber um having a village during postpartum is a game changer um my wife's parents have always showed up for us um I mean I remember when my wife was like um maybe six or seven months pregnant they would stop by and bring food you know what I'm saying um when we have to go to the hospital so she could be treated for preclampsia they will watch the kids see having that village is a total game changer because in my opinion postpartum is not something that that needs that you need to take on on your own I mean God bless the single parents because I can't imagine what they're going through it's difficult with two parents in the household I believe that it takes the village to get through that period I believe it takes a village you know I want to circle back um because I don't want to leave this topic untouched about the overprotective baby when a baby's just foreign and and uh we're gonna touch on that you know is it um a mother just being too overprotective or is it OCD that kicks in that oh germs are germs you know um are they truly um protecting them from like bacteria and and and and other things or what what what's your what's your take on that because you've done a lot of work if whatever the reason is if the mother doesn't want somebody touching her baby respect the boundary that's how I look at it whatever with that whatever her rationale is if it's if it's bacteria or germs which is legitimate too because there had there have been babies that got sick because somebody kissed them or something like that.

SPEAKER_00 46:17

But whatever the reason is just respect the boundary if a mother wants to be really protective of her child and not let anyone touch that baby you just got to respect it.

SPEAKER_02 46:28

Why I'm gonna I'm gonna push back on that because I I get it I get what you're saying and unfortunately I draw like a lot of young mothers for overboarding this so I need you to educate me on this because uh me having you know I have three daughters and been through this three different times and yeah I didn't show up the way um I should have but kind of looking back I see a lot of conflict that happens with the parents now pushing back to like oh you know stop being sober protective like oh we've already raised you like nothing's gonna happen to you that and and you just said no respect respect their boundaries respect them help me with that because I've actually experienced that fight in my own household so just keeping it real it's the old way of raising you know old style of parenting new style of parenting and it create it creates conflict it creates conflict and I know this younger generation is more educated with social media and the internet and they've got access to pre-birth plans and now they're gonna afterbirth plans and all this stuff but there's still some philosophical differences between when a baby's born and when the baby comes home because there's the old school and then there's this new school and it clashes and sometimes it clashes to the point where people will stop attacking each other for a while and the baby suffered. Like that's how serious I've seen it get with some families is now the fight kicks in because they feel like the the daughter is being too overprotective or you know you're being silly or you're you're being ridiculous. Help me with that because this is going to help some families out there because as I'm you know we're talking about this I'm now replaying a couple different situations that I can recall that happened within my sphere that I never connected the dots but I'm like oh shit this is a pattern like there's some there's some conflict going on between this new millennial generation if the millennials I don't know what the new generation but and the old school generation there's conflict happening I would say that Edward is that whoever that whoever the person is that mom is denying baby from they need to be empathetic toward mom moms and mom is going through a lot mom just had a baby we don't know how she's feeling inside we don't know how her emotions are her mental state you gotta consider all that and you have to be empathetic toward that now maybe later you can have a conversation with mom and say hey I you know I thought you know have us have a conversation later at the appropriate time but at a time right in the hospital she's just giving birth to the baby I mean you just don't know how she's feeling inside and it might hurt depending on who it is maybe it's the her parent of the grandparent of the child it may hurt but I think you still have to give mom that respect and that empathy because of what she's going through. You know um something else that you had brought up that I wanted to speak on was you said um a lot of relationships break up after the baby's born and um you know what I've seen is there's always a big conflict after the baby's born and intimacy. Okay let's just be real because this is some shit that really is happens in relationships is the baby's born and I'm sure after having a baby woman don't want to be touched don't want to keep that shit away from me like you know and it creates friction you know and I know they say I think it's like you gotta wait six eight weeks and stuff and then you've got you know um your partner that wants intimacy and and maybe the their partner's turned off now maybe they're just feeling icky or just they've gone through like I said um you know um surgeries or they're ripped and you know having csex and stuff and maybe maybe they just don't feel pretty inside mostly psychologically but that's a real situation that caused a lot of cheating in relationships. It causes some serious issues and you talk about a lot of relationships break up after the baby's born is it because of the intimacy is it because of the stress give me give me your take on that because we're we're having real talk here so we're gonna talk about things that people don't want to talk about and and and sex is a big part of it.

SPEAKER_00 51:16

Sex is a big part of it in my opinion the situation didn't cause anybody to cheat the person just cheated because they were selfish that's what it comes down to they were selfish because instead of um being there for your family and putting your mind on your family and your baby and your wife you got your mind on yourself see his his mind hasn't shifted maybe this person should have stayed should have not had a baby because once you have a baby you gotta you gotta take your mind off yourself.

SPEAKER_02 51:58

Like I said that old routine of going to the gym on Saturdays and staying for six hours or going out after work to go have a drink with your buddies those days are over your your responsibilities have shifted from yourself to your family every day you you come in you need to be asking not um what do I need I had a long I had a long day what do I need no you should be asking how can I take some pressure off mom how can I help more with baby how can I take something off my wife's plate um am I making my wife feel emotionally safe I mean you your mind needs to be off yourself and if you just think about getting some you know your mind's in the wrong place so it's it's definitely a big part of it is it's it's the mental preparations it's the I honestly feel it's conversations that need to happen before the baby comes soon because we already know there's going to be that gap you know in intimacy that gap in showing up psychologically emotionally so I think that's a big part of that afterbirth plan is just communicating and having these conversations because the real con the conversations don't happen when they happen they happen in a fight they happen in the heat of the moment so at that point nobody's hearing each other because everybody's just resentful and and and and angry and you know as you share this like that's the kind of stuff that needs to be in there not just like oh you know the checklist of this needs to be done this needs done but I think there needs to be a whole section on just how are we going to navigate our relationship going forward uh how are we gonna navigate it with with the with the baby because um I know some mothers that do not want to have intimacy if the baby's in the room if the baby infinitely no they've got to be in the other room and sometimes I look like what but it's the believers you know some and I don't know if it's it's mental mental uh something a mental psychological I don't mean mental like crazy I mean like it's just like no I I don't want to expose them to that you know yeah um at first I thought like what but the more my scene you at the end of the day we got to respect you know what the woman's choices you know but these are issues that actually come up like these are real situations yes yeah um and just to just to finish my point exhaustion and selfishness creates resentment and see and the resentment grows quiet resentment isn't loud but it's it's there and once resentment's there here comes the distance now they're not talking or if they are talking it's just it's like a checklist we got diapers they're not they're not connecting they're like two ships passing in a night and sometimes if you can swallow your pride you can get back and but other times that distance grows and maybe he's too proud for to say you know what sweetie I was wrong and how I you know that then sometimes pride is is just too much for people you know as we start to to wind down this episode and tons of powerful information definitely I love that uh we went in we really dove into the insights of uh of of the perspective of the woman and and and this is coming from a man's perspective so this is beautiful because a woman could say it but a lot of times it goes in one man's ear and not the other but now hearing it from a father from a husband that's saying it from their standpoint it's like okay it just hits a little bit differently unfortunately that's the way it happens in a lot of you know um it happens sometimes I want to sit on breastfeeding for a little bit because you know it's funny I had a conversation with my daughter two weeks ago and she says I need to start buying some foods to keep the milk flowing some almonds some nuts all this shit's like organic okay it's like double triple the price and I thought she was trying to calm into like going to Trader Joe's and to go to Whole's food and she's making this whole list of like shit that is gonna help milk flow okay I thought she was bullshitting me okay I thought she was just trying to give it over me so then I I started asking some women that um were breastfeeding and they just happened to come into my spirit let me ask you a question well one I didn't know how fucking expensive formula was okay a little can of formula was like $35 they said it feeds them for like two to three days and that's like the the cheap stuff if they don't need some special brand that costs like $50 $60 a can okay I I was blown away by how expensive Simlac or formula these different brand I was blown away when some mothers told me like some of these formats cost like $69 and sold for two to three days if the baby only takes to that sorry I was blown away by the cost number one I think that there should be some type of subsidy from the government I think there should be a subsidy for Simlac and for like female hygiene products like co-text and all stuff like but that's a whole nother story but I'm talking to them and say no this is a real thing like there are different um fruits vegetables vitamins that kind of keep the milk flowing so this now a a a father a grandfather now having this conversation with with young women that are breastfeeding and their husbands just looking at it we're like carrying on this conversation but it was it was real conversation it wasn't no perversion it was like real conversation and to hear like there's actual foods that do stimulate the milk I was blown away by that because I'm what in my 50s now I've had three kids I've got two brackets now I've never heard of that and then when she brought it to the circle I thought she was conning me out to spend some you know a couple hundred dollars on some on some stuff but it's real well like I made one of my videos on Instagram when I taught I compare breastfeeding to a manufacturing um plant what do you need in manufacturing you need raw materials right so mom needs to have food she needs to stay hydrated now something that helped me and my wife was the body armor because it contains coconut uh coconut water but body armor really helped me and my wife when we were breastfeeding so yes like I say the manufacturing need those raw materials to create the finished product and that's how breastfeeding is yeah now looking at and now knowing the price of you know um having to buy formula yeah what fucking nuts of proteins do you need like yours happy to buy it because I said here's my car go get the stuff that you need because I was blown away by the cost i i i i'm still as we're talking I'm still second mind like it literally caught it could cost almost a thousand dollars a month to feed a baby when you really think about it I mean we're paying I'm paying about 70 bucks from Costco it comes two in a pack for like 70 dollars so and but it's it's it's other stuff that's more expensive than that I mean that's that's kind of like on the low end. So yeah it's it's it's kind of outrageous you know because we're talking about babies and so forth I got you got to vent my frustration towards target okay because they had some baby wipes okay that got recalled because they call they're called these um septum and some other things and it's a Target brand and I just went to go re so my daughter got a bunch of baby wipes and you know you have the games that's a baby shower and you bring baby wipes and pampers and you participate in the game to get like raffle prizes. She got a bunch of baby wife pampers and so forth or diapers and the FDA came out with a recall on the well they put it out then the Target did a recall on their own brand of baby wives because of what it was causing the newborns and I literally posted a video about this two weeks ago I went to Target to go return it didn't have the receipt because it was you know they were given it at uh at the baby shower I initially thought that it was on my daughter's baby registry but I guess most um young families are using like these third party registries now and then they tie into all the sites. So it wasn't on a Target baby registry. Long story short Target refused to take back the baby wipes wow and they were there and I I actually pulled out my camera recorded it it's actually on my Instagram and I recorded it and they said no if you don't have a receipt we're not going to take them back even though they're their product and they're recalled I said I approve from baby shower and birth certificate um I know part of it was in it in misinformed management but um I did post it on social media and I started getting comment of other people frustrated that they didn't get their baby wipes taken back because they didn't have receipts and I even I've been dealing with corporate back and forth and had to send pictures and expiration days and two weeks later and I'm still dealing with this bullshit. So in addition to the frustrations of what you're going to mentally psychologically you had a baby and then now having because it it is going to happen like there are going to be products are going to get tainted and things are going to happen but it just blows my mind that for something that the FDA has come out and said like hey these uh something in this batch of baby wipes is causing sept septum or septicism I forget what it's called but um and then something else for the babies um neurological you know something serious and for them not to honor it I I I was actually very disappointed and I'm still going to corporate and probably every other two three days I'm on the phone and trying to figure out but yeah it's it's been frustrating that usually a store would give you store credit right I was what I was told was that um if you don't have a receipt they'll give you up to a hundred dollars of gift cards um what gift card yeah so I I need to get to the bottom of it once for all because on my comments feed dozens and dozens of people that look through the same bullshit so I'm just kind of blown away that I don't know if there's a um I'm sure there is but there's got to be some government entity that maybe regulate. Well the FDA I know they do regulate and so forth but I honestly feel like there needs to be a whole different and not to have create government bureaucracy but I feel like there needs to be a whole department just to safeguard like our newborns and infants because uh of all the products that are being marketed out there and then you know not only for infants but even for for children under the age of three or five because um I don't know if you've seen these stories that have come over your feed of like Amazon toys that people bought where something came off and children have choked or or what's what's blown my mind recently is I didn't realize that if if a child swallows a little watch battery that's it like it's gonna start burning in the esophagus and the longer it stays in there it's gonna be terminal but and I think about I just found um my granddaughter a toy yesterday and it has one of those little watch batteries. Wow and I was thinking what the heck am I doing the we we need to educate and inform parents about you know the the we can't just rely on packaging oh it's you know a lot of these tragedies that are happening um you know of course people are lowering it up and and and fighting these manufacturers but a lot of them say safe for infants safe for up three years old but sometimes it's something that breaks off and it can be um you know life changing it can be you know uh it could kill the baby so I think there just to be needs to be better regulation on baby products not only for impants newborns and infants but also for for children and I know we have some bigger departments but I think we need to zone in on on that also because um I just don't think enough is being done to protect um newborns and infants you know Eric I totally agree you know and uh the other day my son had a toy and he broke a little piece off and had it in his mouth see now when I saw him do that I took the toy away because I worry about as a parent you just worry about any possible thing that can happen I mean constantly so when I see stuff like that I just take it away but to your point I totally agree uh we need to have better regulations we need to protect our babies man yeah you know as we start to um to wrap this up now I want to ask you two final questions the first one is gonna be if your partner spouse girlfriend baby mama is going through postpartum what are three and and I know there's a series of things you can do but what would be two or three things that the father could do to show up in a way that's not gonna impact the relationship show up in a way that's not gonna impact the relationship from mom down postpartum well he could uh take care of the meal prep mom has to eat okay mom has to eat um there's a ton of things he could do

SPEAKER_00 1:06:00

Um postpartum, he's taking care of all the baby's pediatrician appointments. That's showing up. If mom is breastfeeding, he's he's bagging up the milk, freezing the milk, writing the dates on the milk. He's cleaning all the pump parts. He's drying them out and making sure that they're ready to go. If mom is gonna be pumping, because that's a whole operation in itself, Edward. When mom is not only breastfeeding, but she's pumping the milk out also. Um that's another thing. Um just taking care of the daily operations in the household, whether it be doing laundry, whether it be washing dishes, um, whether it be um regulating visitation, those are all things that that man can do to um to impact his household during postpartum. Because I've seen the situations where a man will invite several family members, friends, all types of people have and have a party, and mom is in a room with the baby, sore, just gave birth, she's not even, she's not up to having all that company over. So why are you bringing all these people over? So, I mean, it's just so many things that the that the that the spouse can do to make the household a more safer and a more peaceful environment for mom. Um what else can you do?

SPEAKER_02 1:07:48

Let me ask, so you've you've given a list of things what's one thing that they can do for their relationship between the man and the woman in that moment? For the relationship? For the relationship. To not have that resentment, to not have that um anger after the fact because you didn't show up, you didn't do your part.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:17

Well, for one, he needs to be making mom feel emotionally safe.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:24

Where it is.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:24

Tell mom she's doing a good job, tell mom she's a good mother and you appreciate her and her labor of love. Let her know that because she may be having doubts mentally. She may feel like I'm not doing a good job, I'm not being a good mother. She might be comparing her postpartum journey to somebody on Instagram, somebody who in a week is back on her feet and doing all this stuff. So you have to make sure that she knows that she's a good mother. You have to constantly reinforce that. That's one thing you can do. Um, and like I said, you need to take your mind off yourself. When you get home and you check in with mom, ask what you can take off her plate. Ask, um, is there anything that she needs me to do for you? Or just check in, ask how she's doing. Those things can help your relationship.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:22

No, thank you for that. What's your closing thoughts that you want to leave? You know, from this podcast? You've been a wealth of information, you've shared a lot um of your journey and uh what you and your wife have gone through and and what people are experiencing, not only in the relationships, but with postfardom and depression and before and after. What's the one message you want to leave for those fathers out there, new fathers that are struggling with a partner that's experiencing postfarty?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:59

What I would say to the fathers is that we live in an information age. Do the research, do your homework, educate yourself on what mom is going through physically, mentally, and emotionally. Educate yourself so that you can understand how you can be there for her to support her through this season of postpartum. Um that's probably the main thing. And secondly, look, a lot of fathers don't have the guidance. There's people on social media that post videos about postpartum. Go follow somebody and go watch, go watch some content. But we have to start being more supportive of mom, and we need to educate ourselves on what mom is going through.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:57

You know, um, thank you for sharing that. So if people want to learn more about your content and your journey of um from the male's perspective, a postpartum and the journey that you and your wife will be on, how how do they find you? How do they reach you? How do they get in contact?

SPEAKER_00 1:11:13

I'm on Instagram, the family formula.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:16

Family formula.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:17

Just like the the family formula.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:21

Well, thank you so much, Ryan, for coming and sharing um your perspective, your expertise on postpartum from the males perspective. And uh with that, another episode of Fatherhood Voices. So if you've just recently been the uh become a father or even a new father, and maybe in the past he didn't show up, but now you're struggling with okay, how do I do things differently this time? Go ahead and um follow um Ryan on his podcast, The Family Formula. Is that family formula and get educated? All the resources are out there, and it's just uh click and a swipe away. Thank you for joining Fatherhood Voices. Sure. Um, Fristan, let me have you um do a couple pictures. This isn't this isn't live, is it? No, no, no. Yeah, so okay. Okay, so we're going back because there was a final question that I wanted to ask, and um just got so higher, so excited with her with the wrap-up of all this knowledge and and new wisdom. I wanted to ask you, Ryan, what about your childhood? Fatherhood, um, how did your dad show up for you and the way that he showed up, did he give you the wisdom that you're now the using to show up for your wife?

SPEAKER_00 1:12:49

Well, Erin as I reflect back on that, knowing what I know now about postpartum and about what mothers go through. I think about my mother when I was a few months old and what she may have been going through with a house full of kids, three kids, plus me, so four kids. And one day she left, she took the kids, and she left California and went to went to Gary, Indiana. I don't know what my father was doing, I don't know if he was acting selfishly, but for a mom to just take her kids and leave like that, something was going on, I'm not exactly sure. And I can only imagine what she was going through. And when I think about that, I think about um, you know, how could my life have been different if my father was in the household with us? Because like I told you, man, I have a brother that's in jail for the rest of his life, and I have another brother that was killed in the streets. If they had a male figure in the household, maybe their lives could be different. You know, the lives of or how the father acts during postpartum has long-lasting effects on the people in the household. So, you know, I would uh to answer your question, I I grew up in the household with my grandmother, my grandfather, or my um, my my grandmother's husband and my mother. And um, you know, they did the best that they could. Did I have that consistent male figure in my life? No, I didn't. You know, you have different coaches along the way, and different, but they can never give you that unconditional love like a father. You know what I'm saying? They, you know, they they're in your life because you can do a specific thing. Maybe you could you can play basketball. So that's why they're around. So they can never give you that unconditional love like a father. So there's always that void there growing up. And you know, a dad can teach you, he can teach you guidance, he can teach you how to uh how you should present yourself or how to shake somebody's hand. I mean, there's there's a wealth of things that a dad can teach you um when you're a kid growing up that if he's not there, you just lose out on.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:21

Let me ask you a question. Is your mom still alive? No. No, no, when did she pass away? Some years ago, Edward. Some years ago. Yeah. So you were never able to get that those answers. No. So your father's still alive? Yes. Have you ever asked him?

SPEAKER_00 1:15:45

Not directly, no. Not directly. He he always says, like, um, they were getting back on track. That's how he kind of puts it. He doesn't tell me the the gory details of it. But I just draw my own conclusion, if a woman decides to pick up her kids and leave like that, then everything wasn't you know going smoothly in the household.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:12

So what's it gonna take to have that real raw conversation?

SPEAKER_00 1:16:20

Honestly, Edward. At this point in my life, as a father and a husband, do I even care to revisit that? Maybe a little bit. But I I just I just focus on my responsibilities as a father, man. That's that's how I look at it. I feel like, you know, when let me tell you a story. When I was in high school, I had I broke up with this, I had a bad breakup in high school with my high school girlfriend, and I was being super emotional. I was blowing her phone up, I was texting her all day. Finally, she told me, dude, you need to stop victimizing yourself. And so I came to the realization that you can literally victimize yourself. You can keep your mindset in a certain place, or you can choose to just move forward. So I think I've chosen to just move on, move on from it, man. I mean, if there's something inside of me that wants to have that conversation, yes. But I just have such a greater responsibility now, Edward, that I just move on with my life, man.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:43

You know, it's um, you know, as you're speaking, I was thinking about my relationship with my father, and um that conversation's coming pretty soon. It's been uh years of healing, and down. I get where you're coming from about you know um moving on now, and you know, but uh you know, it's unfortunate that you didn't get the closure with your mom um because she, you know, she passed. Um but definitely something to consider at some point because you know, honestly, a lot of our our healing comes from we're going back and revisiting the past. And sometimes we create these stories in our mind or we assume, and sometimes it's totally different from what we thought. And I just hope, you know, as I've been gotten to know you, we've had some conversations and then some real talk and so forth. Um, I think at some point in in your lifetime that you're holding a real conversation from your father. And I hope that happened for you. Just like I'm looking forward to that conversation happening with my father at some point. It's coming, it's been a work in progress. It it's you know, um, but I I definitely want to have that conversation, and especially, you know, having this you know near death experience last year, I realized that life's too short, and at any moment, you know, your life can get taken away from you. But I I I need a very closure to to that, you know, just because it's something that um I need for my own healing. And um, so I like again send in, send you love and support, and um just you know support that one day you guys get to a place where you can have that conversation. So but with that, no, thank you so much for coming out here. And I know it was a long drive, and I'm glad that we did this in person because it just it hits differently, yeah and we're able to just um have this real raw uncensored conversation. And even though uh we talked a lot about postpartum depression of the wife, um I think the the end was some of the most powerful stuff because from your healing is gonna be um from your healing is gonna be the healing of your uh children and your gr your grandchildren, your great grandchildren, you know. Unfortunately, we had all our inner child wounds are buried in the past, and we have to go back and at some point we have to face them and release them so we can be free. But thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:17

Edward, thanks for having me, sir. I appreciate this. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:22

All right.