When Your Passion Finds YOU w/Erin Marion

In Season 2, Episode 3 your host Mandy Boutelle invites Erin Marion, a certified professional dog trainer specializing in working with deaf, blind, and disabled dogs, for a heartwarming conversation. Erin, a close friend of Mandy's, delves into her transition from running a dog hiking business to passionately training special needs dogs. She shares the rewards and challenges of her unique profession, emphasizing the emotional toll it takes, including coping with burnout and mental health struggles. 

The episode offers listeners an intimate view of Erin's journey, blending her professional dedication with her personal life as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. Mandy and Erin, both affected by PMDD, discuss the impact of this condition on their lives and businesses, highlighting the struggles and strengths it brings.

The episode takes a deep dive into the worrying trend of increasing numbers of disabled dogs due to overbreeding. Erin candidly discusses the complexities of her work, the joy of witnessing the remarkable capabilities of these special dogs, and the sadness tied to the underlying reasons for their disabilities. The conversation is a rollercoaster of emotions, filled with laughter, tears, and realizations, as they explore their shared experiences.

 Both reflect on the importance of setting boundaries for their well-being and the challenges of maintaining a balance between their professional and personal lives.

This episode is not just an exploration of dog training; it's a touching narrative on friendship, resilience, and the intricate bond between humans and their canine companions, making it a must-listen for dog lovers and professionals alike.
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Transcript

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Welcome back to the Leashed Mind podcast. I am your host, Mandy Boutelle. On today's episode, I have a conversation with one of my very dear friends, Erin Marion from Down to Earth Dog Lady. Erin is a certified professional dog trainer specializing in working with deaf, blind, and disabled dogs. Erin shares her evolution from running a dog hiking business to her deep engagement in training special needs dogs, highlighting both the rewards and challenges of her work. She discusses the concerning trend of increased disabled dogs due to overbreeding and the emotional toll of her profession, including dealing with burnout and personal mental health struggles. The conversation also covers Erin's personal life, discussing her relationship and experiences as part of the LGBTQ plus community, This episode provides an intimate glimpse into Erin's professional and personal journey, blending her dedication to dog training with her own life experiences. Like me, Erin has PMDD. And so I know firsthand. And for those of you that have listened to episode three of season one, uh, where I discuss my own journey with my PMDD diagnosis, how hard that is. So we commiserate, but also bond over that topic. We explain how that has really affected our, time and being business owners and having the bandwidth to do things when that affects us. also discussing how she didn't really ever. choose to specialize in working with deaf, blind, and disabled dogs, it kind of just fell into her lap because she was finding that there were so many deaf, blind, and disabled dogs, and there weren't a whole lot of resources for dog owners That are having these dogs in navigating training and adjusting to the world With having a dog that is deaf blind or disabled that I know a lot of times we talk about how In this profession, there is a toll on our mental health because we are the support system for our clients. But then adding on the layer of trying to help educate and better serve clients that have disabled dogs and helping them not. feel so bad because it's very easy to beat ourselves up. So being that emotional mental health crutch for clients in that regard as well, really bogs us down. So Erin and I, like this conversation, there is so much laughter and cackling, but it also gets very real. We both tear up over certain topics, but it's just, oh, it's a very good feel good episode and I know you're going to love it. So let's get into it. Welcome back to the leash mind podcast. I have Erin here from Down to Earth Dog lady, Erin. my God. I'm so excited to talk with you. Like you are one of my dear friends. I hold you so close and I'm just having you on. This podcast is just even more exciting. So Thank you. Thank you. I get so giddy at the thought of you. So hopefully all the listeners will be able to hold their volume down with our cackling throughout this episode. Um, but thank you so much for this opportunity. I'm so excited. I'm ready to just share some personal stuff and just get into it with you. So thank you so much. Yay. Awesome. Well, yeah, I know there's probably going to be way too much laughing and our cheeks are probably going to be sore after this, but it's a good thing. This is how most of our meetings go too. I know. When I was listening to the other episodes, I was like, oh man, no one's got a loud laugh like I do. So. Okay. So. For those that may not, you know, I feel like at this point, it's really hard, especially with how we've worked together. If people don't know who you are, please, can you just share a little bit of info about Down to Earth Dog Lady and how you really started to work with more, um, Deaf, blind, disabled dogs? Because I know you kind of just fell into that a little bit. I did completely. Yeah. So my name is Erin Marion. I'm a certified professional dog trainer, knowledge assessed, and I'm also a Care Empire clicker training partner. I started the down to earth dog lady, out in Oregon actually. So for all of my Oregon people listening to this, I started as a dog hiking business and then I started. To foster deaf and deaf dogs from the organization deaf dogs of Oregon, and I just fell in love with it. I thought the idea of not being able to use your voice with just with just fostering deaf dogs was really cool. can be kind of an anxious person and, Sometimes I would have a shaky voice or I wouldn't feel confident in my cues or that maybe I couldn't click at the right time or, and so taking that part away from it was kind of interesting for me. And then when I fostered my first deaf and blind dog, that's when I was like. Holy freak, you know, this is, this is a whole nother ballgame of training and there's not a lot of information out there and I was blown away at what this dog had taught me about more so even about myself, you know, about, we can talk about different types of petting and the way to go about things and just to energetically. Kind of, be in tune with the dog and how much energy you put into them comes out to you and was just a life changing experience overall. And I felt comfortable with the training and that I wanted to push myself in that area. And again, like you stated, I just kind of fell into it. So six years later, that is now all that I pretty much do is work with these dogs. I wish I could say it's cool that I'm so busy, but, It's a shame too because there shouldn't, I will say this in the nicest way, there shouldn't be this many deaf and blind dogs right now. I think we'll talk about this, but when I was over in Norway for my wedding, I didn't see a single disabled dog or I didn't see, I mean, everything was like a purebred, very well behaved dog. And, the breeding rules are extremely strict over there. I obviously dove into it. Oh, I'm sure that's super fascinating. It was and it's just a shame a little bit that we're overbreeding so much that now we have so many of these dogs that again, I love my job. I love that I'm busy, but at the same time, I shouldn't be. I think that's. Really huge that you can acknowledge that, though, because I'm sure a lot of people that are like, Oh, I get all these deaf blind dogs, and they're all my clients, and it's awesome, and I'm busy, but acknowledging that, like, statistically and historically, this should not be the case, and this should not continuously happen, and it's happening because of poor breeding, and, you know, it's, It's, yeah, it's giving you work, but at the same time, there's, it's still a disservice to the dog community. no matter how incredible these dogs are, it's still something to acknowledge and I think that's huge. Thanks for saying that. It's not an easy thing to say because Sure, it sounds heavy. feels heavy. And you feel bad for these dogs, you know, I mean, they don't know there any difference. I think Darla has the coolest life ever, but she seems like the happiest dog, her and Clark. They are. And all my clients have very happy dogs. I mean, not every case is successful, which is, I'm sure something we'll talk about today. But it is it's a disservice to their breed. It's, you know, and again, I think we've come really far from how we used to treat them 10 years ago, where we know what euthanized them right away. And now we're kind of giving them a chance, but that doesn't mean it's okay. And I don't think social media helps. I don't think that. I mean, you see them a lot on social media now, and I love social media and we can. come together and with shared experiences of having these dogs. But, I want to say this in the nicest way. It kind of seems like a bit of a fad right now. You know, I feel like I'm seeing a lot of these dogs on the Internet, which is great. I don't want to prove that, you know, but again, it's just kind of like, Oh, wow. Okay. There's really that many out there. Right, really? It's like, well, okay, great. There's more of a community and we're finding each other, but at the same time, it's like, wow, okay, why are there's a lot of us and it's. Awesome to see so many people navigating life with their disabled dogs, but at the same time, it's just like, wow, there's so many of them and how many of these people were able to work with a trainer as incredible as yourself or, you know, it's not a lot of people specialize in this and I'm sure more are now because there are so many more, but it's, I feel like you guys are really just at the beginning of it because you You know, we're, we're finally talking about disabled dogs more and not even enough, honestly, and, and so it's just, that's hard to navigate and social media. I feel like it always, it magnifies things, not always in the best light. And so sometimes you see every angle of it where it's just like, okay, you know, we see, a lot of, but. Balance training and different training sides and then we're throwing in deaf and blind dogs into that and where does that get muddled into the middle of it? And it's just there's so many different hairs that can be split with that aspect alone. Completely. And there really isn't a lot of us. As you mentioned with your interview with Dr. Chris Pockel, it seems as though we're still a bit competitive. I think I, I have one mentor, Deb Bauer, who I absolutely adore. And she actually is kind of the person that started everything. She wrote a book on deaf and blind dog training, and she's actually my neighbor. She lives like 20 minutes away. I feel so, and she has been. so kind. We talk about cases together. We do dog dancing with our deaf and blind dogs together and I feel so at home with her. there's also some people from Keller's Cause that I have connected with and again, Deaf Dogs of Oregon. But other than that, I, that's it. You know, I don't really know anybody else I can share my stories with and I've almost. Gotten closer with my clients and sharing our stories and, uh, like a touch of Aston, Miriam and I are almost like besties now because Mary, Aston and Darla are virtually one in the same and share a lot of the same experiences. And I love that you asked me to be on this podcast because sometimes, This is meant to say in a very positive light, but you cross that line as a professional with your clients because you become friends and you become like, they're your support, they're your support system as much as they are, um, you are theirs. And so it, sometimes those lines, I will say get blurred because you, I feel safe with them. Like we can, I can. There's a deeper connection. Yes, and I can share my struggles. Hey, I have to cancel today's lesson. Darla just had a seizure. I'm just like mentally tapped out and all of them will understand and or I can call Miriam and I call each other. Just Hey, how's Aston doing? I saw, you know, that he had a seizure or she'll check in on me and it's, it's, um, It's a support group more than anything, but they start off as your client, you know. It's so weird. And then they just become a part of like your everyday life because you share that connection and you bond on it. it. Yeah. And, and it's just, it's also like the community isn't that huge. And so being able to like even just connect with your client, I'm sure they appreciate you because they're hearing you feel the same things they experienced. And they're just like, okay, great. I'm not alone in this. Like even my trainer who has a background in this is on the same page as me. And so I'm sure that just makes them feel More comfortable with it and more reassured that like this is normal normal as it can be Completely and I think one of the most common thing one of the most common sentences I say in some of my client Client lessons that I feel very connected to is I go. Okay, i'm going to take my dog trainer hat off and my friend hat on because I want them to know that I get it, like, I am, I have been there, I have seen it, I have, and I think that's again why, someone asked me in a, in a different um, podcast, you know, why did you name Down to Earth Dog Lady, Down to Earth Dog Lady? Yeah, why did you? I mean, you are very down to earth. Yeah. I wanted to just put it out there that I'm a little off the cuff. I, Slap around some curse words. I just wanted to be a resource, a friendly neighborhood. Resource approachable. Yes. And that is there to share experiences with you, to have you feel safe, to feel like you can vent to. sometimes that gets me in trouble though, because sometimes I give so much of myself to my community and to my clients that, you know, in my own relationship, I've had to learn. That the do not disturb, uh, portion of my phone is like a good friend of mine and and it does work that is a part of me that sometimes with that with being a dog trainer who focuses on deaf and blind dogs It is not even about the dog. Sometimes a lot of the times it is not about the dog. It is coaching that human to pick their head up the next day because yes, their dog might have a seizure, but it will be okay or their dog won't stop spinning and they don't know what to do. Or, you know, they're dealing, they're waiting for five months out for the veterinary behaviorist and I'm the only resource to talk to. And so it's, it, again, I, when I say the lines get blurred, I mean this all in the most joyous way, but that's one of the mental health things that I've had to work through is, okay, you've given so much of yourself to everyone else, in a good way, but like, what, how do you give that back to you? Because one of the things I personally severely struggle with is, who is Erin without the dog lady? Like, who is Erin without the down to earth dog lady? Oh my god, yes. Well, it's so Oh, I want to crack that open big time. It's, well, cause it's so, and I feel that with Woof Cultr, you know, there are a lot of times where I'm just like, am I Woof Because it's am I my business and I'm sure you feel that because it's you are having to give so much to your clients and yeah, in the best way possible. You are their support system, but I know how that can really wear on you. And I don't want to say I mean, it can deteriorate your mental health, but I don't mean that in a way to you. upset the clientele or the community it but it does wear on you and we do need to focus on the trainer aspect of this that it's not necessarily the best thing to give so much of yourself to your clients when you need the time. For yourself, you need time to recharge. You need time in your relationship. And when you don't have that time to recoup that and, and take the time for yourself, I feel, and I say this all from personal experience, it's, you just keep spinning and spinning and you keep helping. And then it's just like, when are you going to crash? Cause it's going to happen. And so long explanation there for me, but, how I'm sure you've gotten burnt out. During that process, and I'm really curious to hear just kind of how that went and when you noticed it and what it looked like. That was a great explanation. Long or short, it was perfect. Thank you. It has happened. It's happened multiple times because I sometimes, I give myself so much to the down to earth dog lady that it doesn't really leave room of like, well, what else do I like to do, you know, like it almost doesn't leave room for hobbies. It almost, or if you're hob, like one of my hobbies is to train my dogs, but do I train my dogs without having to post it? Do I have like, cause it's always content. It's like always a learning opportunity for somebody else. You know what I mean? And so it's like, doesn't leave room to feel like, like who is Aaron? You know? And I, I'm so hard on myself. I feel like for my whole life. And if Jay was behind me, Jay would be like. You know, it's shaking their head. If anyone's just listening, I'm shaking my head right now because sometimes I, and I even said this like two days ago, sometimes I get lost that I'm not, I'm like average at everything else in my life, but I'm really good at dog training, right? Like, I'm like, so, so like, I was like a BC student all through my life. I was very average. I didn't really excel at school. No, I like, yeah, I like. don't have the attention span for school sometimes. I can do like dog training school, but, um. Because it's hands on, yeah. Yeah. Like that's the thing, it's like there doesn't leave, sometimes I just, you get so obsessed that I'm really, really good at this one thing because people tell me I'm so good or I'm on some list for top dog trainer or I'm so, like you get all these positive affirmations all the time that you're so good at this one thing it doesn't leave room to be like average at other things. And so, or even not good, you posted something to be like, I think it was like, be brave enough to be bad at something new. Yeah. I don't, I saw that and was like, Oh, that hit hard in such a good way because I'm like, I just strive to be. I think my whole life I struggled. I was like average at the piano. I was average at music. Um, I was average at art. Like I was, I was pretty good at photography, but I never saw it through. And this is the one thing in my life that I saw something through and I love it. And now it's like, it's tunnel vision, right? You know, so I'm trying to. I'm trying to allow the space to have, this is going to sound terrible, to have hobbies, you know, to like have something that doesn't involve dogs. So I'm really passionate about my horse and like, even when I go to the farm, I don't bring my phone and like yesterday, I only had 30 minutes of time. So I just went to the farm, I went into the pasture, I like scratched all her itchy spots and sprayed her fly spray, fly spray and like just hung out and then I couldn't have time for anything else. But it was like a mental health checkout and there was no phone. It was just errand time, you know? How'd that feel? It feels, again, it's like I have to stop beating myself up so much because at the end of the day I was like, Oh my god, I spent time with Chikachina, I'm so happy. But I didn't work her or I didn't get her out of the past. It's like this sinking hole where I just have to be like, No, you did bonding activities, that's okay. And how many times do you say that to your clients? All Or if a, like, so I'm really into plants now. That's like my other hobby, right? And, but if a, so if a plant dies, I've had to be like Oh no! Yeah! a failure! Literally, like, oh, see, can't do this! It's like, I have to allow the space, like, Okay, Erin, it's just one thing. You can try again. Maybe, you know, and it's like but if you think about it, all of these hobbies I'm choosing to take on are things I have to take care of. so that's another, so I have to like realize that, that I, like, there's something about me nurturing things and taking care of things that I find my best self in. But I have to, like, still be, oh, like, I still have to recognize that, that all these hobbies I'm still choosing are, are, are me giving myself to something and taking care of something, and I, I have to still be kind about that. Have you ever made a terrarium? Oh my god, that's like, Jay wants to get into that so much. I would love to. I think it sounds so, like, therapeutic. If anyone's watching on YouTube, like Ah! I have like an entire one I've made. You don't need to take care of it. You leave it there and it's there. But like, that is very therapeutic. I have like a couple terrariums and I love doing it, so I highly recommend that. Um, and it's plants. But they won't die on you and they will, they're self sustaining. You put them in there and you're just like, let, Yeah, do your thing. that was a little tangent. If anyone can see me on YouTube, I love that, like I'm just whispering. But it's, that's, oh, wow. The fact that you said most of your hobbies are nurturing things. I didn't even connect that with myself because it's my garden, my house plants. Doing something with foreigner, fig, or you know, baking something for someone or cooking something for someone. Oh my God. You know, it's, it's interesting you pointed that out because Mondays are my Sundays and for the first time in months. I just doodled. I doodled on an art pad, and I never do that. I think it sucks, but I was sick of doing coloring books, and I was like, you know what, I'm just gonna draw a bunch of squiggles, and then I'm just gonna color them in, and Josh came around the corner, and he's like, oh, you doodling? And I was like, yeah, I just, I need to get my mind out, and he was like, I love that, that's great, and I spent like two hours just doodling, and I felt so much nicer afterwards, and I'm just like, why can't I do this for myself during the day? There's no reason that I can't, but I don't allow myself that space. And it's so hard to not go down into the, like, self deprecation. Yeah, like, oh, this sucks. This is ugly. Not meant to go in a gallery! Literally, like, why can't I even just give myself that? Like, even, like, I love to, Jay bought me all these beautiful paint, like, a whole paint set for Christmas. It was so cool. And I still, like, When I do art, I have to let go of like, this could be anything. Just let go. Like, it's so hard. It's so hard to not be like, okay, well, this is the fuck, the fuggliest thing I've ever seen. Like I'm, you know, I just have to, the self deprecating thoughts are really hard to battle when you feel like when you get so many. I don't know if accolades is the right word, but when you get so much like you're so good at this, you're so good at this, it's so hard to not self deprecate for everything else you do in your life. Like even Jay pointed out, what we have been, I've been cooking a lot more. I'm like finding little recipes. It's like my, I'm really into cooking. I'm really into like these new recipes, but each time we sit down to eat, Jay is like, you will find something to point out. About the food that I would have known like the other day when I was like, oh my god is jay josh because I was like, oh the mushrooms aren't cooked, you know enough and jay was like erin. I would have never known that like right It's great. It's really good. Like I would tell you if it's like a poopy taste, but it's really good meal, you know and so it's it's and I think I think I get that from just, I'm an only child. And so I think, yeah, you know, my mom had a really tough Italian mom. And so there was a, I think you just hear how people in your family self talk sometimes. And yes. Subconsciously just kind of like flows into you without you knowing, so I'm very grateful to be in a healthy relationship like you, like you are and to feel like, okay, I can take what you just said and know like, yes, I am just using the self deprecating moments and I just need to let go of that. Oh, girl, we could go down a whole rabbit hole of generational trauma and like, but that's true, and I think that's something we don't talk about enough, it's, we have these role models and however they talk to themselves and that we see growing up because at a certain age we start taking everything in and that, they may not see that in the moment, but you know, 20, 30 years down the line, we're, you know, Self deprecating and telling ourselves we suck at everything when it's like We do so many amazing things. I have seen your plant room and how you have painted that. And it looks incredible. I've seen your garden. I've seen how you set up your training space. Yes, that's for training. But the space itself looks amazing. So, you know, the collaborations we've done together. Like, there are so many things I can tell you that you are good at. But, Soak this in. Yes. But it's, it's hard when, So many people will tell you that you're so great at this one thing that you're known for. I know that firsthand. And you get into your head of that's all I'm good at. That's my identity. That's, you know, I guess this is where I'm at and I can't do anything else because this is what people like me for. This is what I'm known for. Like, mean, nail in the head. And I, think when Darla was so Darla was at a point before we left for a wedding trip that she was having seizures every two weeks. And I think I broke, I cracked because Again, I'm very, I can be sometimes a little controlling, like no one can take care of the dogs like me. You care so much. That's what it is. do. And I, you know, with, trans rights right now, we're just not sure about children. I'm going to be vulnerable and share that. We have that talk pretty much every day. And, um, and so I would love to be a mom, you know, so right now I'm like totally happy being a dog mom, but I'm very like mama bear. And when Darla was going through her seizures, it provoked so much anxiety in me to watch her go through that, that I had to vocalize, like, Jay, I need you to handle her, and I will handle the other two dogs. Like, I will take care of Clark, I will take care of Dahlia, but, like, I can't handle taking care of birds so much for me to watch. That felt awful. Being, why? Passing it off to Jay? Yeah, it was like a whole, it was like, I coach people every day how to handle their dogs with their seizures and I tell them what to do. I give advice on how to handle your dog, how to handle post seizure, what to do during a seizure. And yet I can't even handle it. Like what is wrong with me? Like what? You know? And, uh, that was a hard chapter. It was, it was like, I mean, I feel very. Awesome. I feel so great that I'm in a super healthy relationship. We had great communication. Jay felt this sense of like, yeah, like, let me let me tap in. Yeah, but they're like, I've been waiting for this. Literally. Yeah, but for me, it was like, again, Erin. You suck. You can't even take care of your own dog during a seizure. Like, what is wrong? And so that was kind of a hard chapter, uh, to go through for myself. And that was so recently. I think now she's had so many, I'm a little desensitized to them. but in the beginning it was, I, it was like, I would get sweaty. I would get anxious. I would get like, I wouldn't. It was so hard for me to watch. Cause they're grandmas. They're so intense. But, Erin, you're, you're instructing so many people on how to go through this. You're, how do I say this? You have to go to that mental state, and so many of us that have done training have to do this, where we push whatever our experience is to the side, and we, really crack it open for the clients and say like, this is how you need to handle this. This is what you do. And so you're teaching, you're instructing, you're putting yourself out there constantly in that way of showing up for your clients in that way. That doesn't mean you don't know what you're doing. You're just. Fucking burnt out. That's what it is. And I say that with the absolute most love possible because that's what that is. It's you know It's it's putting ourselves out there so much for the clients and then it's like oh I suck because I can't do this with my dog and it's like no I just I am at my wits end. I do so much for so many other people that I am just tapped out My glass is empty. There are no drops coming out. It's dry And like, someone needs to pour back into my cup. Well, and there's that separation of like, as much as I love all my clients, like, they're all my dogs, it's not my dog, right? It's not, like, it's, It's different when it's your own personal baby. And watching her, like, it just was so, I didn't, Sometimes I don't know how to explain my anxiety. Even Jay will be like, you're so calm right now. And I was like, I wish you could crack my head open and just sit in it for a second. Or just watch my heart and my lungs. Like you're like the silent anxiety, like me, the PMDD episode really hit home. Cause I suffer from severe PMDD. I was actually on medication for it like 10 years ago. And, I, there are some days I, There's just like, I can't get out of bed, it's like, the blinds are closed, I locked the bedroom door, it's hard for me to explain what's going on, because I don't even know. I'm like, this is the worst day of my life and nothing has even happened, you know? But then my period comes, or my cycle comes, and I'm like, okay, I can see the rainbows and the sunshine again. But that week before, and week of. It's like someone threw a soaking wet, heavy, down comforter on you, and you can't take it off. I had no idea you had PMDD. How have we not talked about this? know. Well, I, I didn't, it's, uh, society kind of makes you think you're, uh, what, the, like, crazed woman syndrome, or the, you know, You're just a hormonal woman. Yeah, and I know we both use the term woman, like, really loosely, but, like, Yes. It's, yeah, it's It didn't feel, I don't know. I also had like a traumatic, episode happened when I was in college. I got diagnosed with PMDD and I was on medication for it and I got pulled over for like running through a stop sign when I was like 22 or something and the cop took the medication and like poured it all out and was like, what is this? You know, like what, what are you, you know, thought I was like carrying drugs around. And so I was like, that's my medication, you know, what are you doing? And then, I mean, like this, like man's hands are all over it. Yeah. So, um, and I remember like quickly going off the meds because I was like, okay, I, I don't ever want to experience something. I don't want to do that again. I've had a really, sometimes I feel like my cycle runs my life and I think society, like, when I started getting migraines a year ago, it was almost easier to tell people I had a migraine than I was going through a PMDD episode because it was, like, more believable. Like, as terrible as that sounds. I hate that. No, it's so true and it's, it's so awful. Oh, this is, like, we should go on a whole, like, other episode of that. I'm like, wow. But This isn't even dog training at this point. But I think a lot of the times, like, And so many people that have listened to that episode have told me like, oh my god, everything you listed, I didn't know PMDD was a thing. Or they're like, you know, I wasn't taken seriously. And it's like, yeah, I was fighting my doctors for eight years to get an answer when my psych, all she had to do was get my blood test and check my cycle with me. And I was able to notice like, oh yeah, no, it is. And it's just, it's like, fuck, like, it's so awful being somebody that has those reproductive parts fucking up our brain. So much so, like, I, I check in, and when you were telling me that you check in with Josh, I was like, oh my god, once again, we're one and the same person. I had to check in with Jay every cycle and be like, okay, this, and I categorized them. Yes! I'm like, this is a painful process. Cycle like my cramps are really terrible. I'm having I'm struggling pain wise or some cycles will I'm like, okay This is a mental cycle. I feel in I'm trying to use the right word. I feel crazed. I feel jittery. I feel and erratic Unpredictable. Yeah And then I'd say like twice a year, probably a little bit more frequent than that, I will have episodes where it is just, there is no getting out of bed that day. There was like, it's just sleep and uh, trying to watch trash TV to get away from these terrible thoughts that cycle through your head. and I feel really grateful for how in tune my dogs are with me and every generation of dog that I've had. Has been very in tune with that with me and that's actually become so I've taken what I've experienced through PMDD and every day for an hour. I go into my room with my dog, shut the lights off and just like no phone. And for an hour, I just either try to sleep or I just try to lay with them. Just try to breathe. Yeah, because that pressure that they put on me very naturally and they it's become like a routine for them like every like it's so interesting. I bet you're regulating like them too. I think I am too because Darla has her spot Clark has his spot they're usually like sandwiching me they stay the whole time in their same spots and then like an hour later when they hear the alarm we all get up and it's like we go back to our lives or to our life so it's like it's um. It's I have to just shut my system down for an hour It's like I try I've listened to all your episodes and what other people do and I think like I can't even do yoga I can't even it just has to shut down. Not when you're in that state See, you're, you're, you're better than me in that aspect because I am someone that will just keep raging. And it took a long time to get here. I mean, even if Jay, Jay calls it my chill time. Jay, are you going to go have chill time? I love that. if I didn't have the chill time by 9pm, I then remove that time with my partner because I'm so burnt out from the day. You're so frantic and frazzled. it's like I'm asleep and Jay's like, okay, I'm still up for like another two hours. So nice seeing you, babe. Yeah Literally, and I'm finally in a point in my life that I'm in the healthiest relationship. I've ever been in and I think before I will say this cause I, to all my, if any of my exes listen to this, you know, I love you all to different degrees, but I think before I never put in that effort, was all about the dog lady. It was all about Aaron. It was all about, I gotta work. I gotta pay the bills. You just kind of come next after that. Whereas now I'm like, okay, First off, I'm fucking married. There's like, different dynamic. Totally. And I, I feel so incredibly supported by you, that you show me there is an Erin without the dog lady, and I want to show that to you and to myself. So it's like past, you know, a certain point at night. It's the no phones, it's the cuddling, it's the let's watch a nature show, it's let's play cards, let's play a board game. Just quality time. Go up. Mm hmm. And I don't, I think like even coming back from Norway and my schedule has been kind of a lot, like kind of, I'm gracefully going back into life. I still have the chill time because I'm like, I still want to make sure that by dinnertime on I am present. That's interesting. So when do you. When do you notice that you need the chill time? Is it a specific time of day? Every time? Like, do you notice like it's a certain window that you hit? It's always between four and five 30. That's where my brain like just goes on me. Literally just like total, just like, yeah, same. I mean, it's like, even before. podcast, I took 20 minutes of chill time just to like, you know, switch the gears. Yeah, I'm done with daycare. I have a daycare at my house for anybody who doesn't know who I am. And then, okay, even Clark and Darla, like they came in with me even though it was 20 minutes, like it was just that like, on to the next thing for the next part of the day. I love that you do that and take that time for yourself. That's such a huge step in self care that you may not acknowledge that or notice that, but it is. That's huge. And I need to work on that. And maybe this will be the inspo I need because Josh does that. He'll do that. I love that. His brain, he like around noon or one, he starts, because we have ADHD. And so our medication will start to around then. And he'll be like, I'm going to take my second medication dose, but I need to go get in control of my breathing. And so his way of doing it is he needs to go put his eye mask on, lay on his bed, and just like, get back, because he feels that, and then he tells me to do that, and I'm like, I can't go do that. I can't, I can't. And it's funny because we compare ourselves to others all the time, like, Jay's chill time is actually to go work out, and I, Love that for Jay. Like I, the whole garage is a whole workout studio and I get, Jay's listening, I get jealous sometimes because I'm like, Oh my God, like I would love to have a fit ass body like you do. And like, I really would love to go work out like that, but I would be so tired by the time it's like 8 PM if I did that. Like, even when I go horseback riding, I'm tired afterwards. It's physically and mentally exerting after training all day. Yes, and for Jay, it's like a, it's their children. They get really amped up and like energized from it. And so. self deprecating back circling back to the self deprecating like I have to be like Aaron you're it's it's okay that you're different Different folks different strokes and that's supposed to rhyme. Yeah But that's so true and I feel like that's Oh, so, so many of us get so burnt out because we aren't taking the time for ourselves. And I love that you say you have your chill time. And I think that can look so differently for so many other people. You know, for me, I'm trying to think what my chill time is. And really, I think it's to go hang out in the garden with Fern and Fig. You know, I put Fig on his long line. I just let him go hang out somewhere. Fern likes to suntan. then I'll sit there and read a book. I've been so into reading lately. And I've been wondering why. And it's cause I get out of my head. silence all the overthinking and stuff, and when it starts happening while I'm reading, you know, because a lot of us, that'll happen, I'll be reading a sentence and then my brain will go off to like, Oh shit, I didn't respond to that email. And then I'll be like, okay, no, no, no, no. We are reading this fantasy book now. We are in this fantasy book. now. I will handle this after. This is Mandy time. I think a lot of the times we don't think we deserve that when it's like, with all that we like with all that you do, of course you deserve that. You more than deserve that. You need that in order to keep doing what you do and in order to keep loving what you do. And I think, again, a nail on the head of like, everyone's is different and that's totally okay. Because I even, right now, find myself being like, oh god, I should read more. And then, but I'm like, Erin, like, circle back. Like, everyone's is different, everyone, and it's okay whatever yours is, you know. And as long as it's not harmful to yourself or to others, like, it's totally okay. And, and that's what I just have to keep. reminding myself is like, it's totally okay that that is your version of chill time. Someone else's could be yoga, which is amazing. Someone else's could be breathing exercises, like, and I think if anything, we celebrate all the choices we all make instead of. Comparing ourselves to like, oh gosh, Mandy reads like I should totally read more, you know, or, or, or breathing, you know, whatever it is, or J working out, like, it's just a matter of like, your chill time sounds awesome. Like, here's my chill time, you know, it's like show and tell. And it's, but it's also, you know, it, I think it also depends on where we are and what we're needing at that time, because sometimes I'll be so pissed off that I can't read. And Josh will be like, did you get some sunlight in your eyes? Like, did you go outside? And I'm like, I don't want to fucking breathe. I don't want to go outside. Like, say me aloud. He'll be like, okay, well, what do you need? I'm like, I don't even know. Like, I'll just be so enraged and I'll just, you know what I'll do? I'll just go lay on my floor and I'll just lay on my back. And he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I don't know. I'm just laying here because it's all I can do at the time. So it's that self soothing. Completely. Like, if I book a lesson during chill time, which hasn't happened in a while, but if I do, then I won't book anything else after that. Yes! Because then I'm like, hey, you're going to be burnt out after that, so why don't you take, like, tonight, this was my one activity. I guess this is technically during chill time for me. Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no. So, here's the thing, but after this, I planned So our wedding reception is next weekend, and so after this, I'm planning to scrapbook our travels from Norway, so I'm like, creative outlet, you know, I get to have this, exactly, you might cry, cause it'll be sweet, I get to have this, like, amazing conversation with a friend, and then afterwards, like, decompress with some, like, creative outlet, and that is then, that is the new chill time for today, so it's, it, you do, I think the other thing is too, That I was also finding is that I was finding like, oh my God, if I didn't get chill time, I'm like a raging bitch for the rest of the day, you know? No, because I was so tunnel visioned, like I can be of like, okay, you need to get this. Check these lists. Literally, if I loosen that up, chill time can look like anything if I allow it the space to be that. Yes. Which has also been something I've had to learn. Yeah. And social media. You know, can not help in this situation because sometimes, well not sometimes, I compare myself all the time to other trainers and like we talked about before we started recording, like, get sometimes really down on myself that on the weekends I'm not doing dog trials, I'm not doing more dog classes, I'm not, but the weekends for me right now, especially during the summer, are like, that's gardening time, that's time to play, that's horseback riding, that's trail rides, I don't, I can only trail ride for a certain amount of time in the year. It's only a short window, yeah. Yeah, and I, I'm in a dog dancing group, a dog dancing class, and last year our competition, I don't know if you remember this, I dropped out, but last year was our, my, could have been my first competition, and I got so anxious beforehand, um, and Darla was also having a lot of seizures around that time. I don't want to say that it coincided, but it could have, um, and I dropped out because I was like, Mental health can't handle this. What am I even doing this for? Like, the ribbons to me do not matter. I know that she can do a lot of cool frickin stuff. And we love doggie dancing. We love going to the class. But it is just a fun thing outlet for us. I try to have a special thing for each one of my dogs to do. And Darla's is doggie dancing. But it's okay if you don't compete. Or it's okay if you don't make it to every class. Like, it's have found as a dog trainer, I have to just give myself just some loving love sometimes that it's like you are not, it's okay if you're not the trial dog trainer. It's okay if you're not the competitive dog trainer. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Well, and it. These are all things that I'm sure you say to your clients too. And, but it's like it never makes it back to us because we, like, hold ourselves on this, like, very high up, unrealistic pedestal for no reason whatsoever other than we know how to train our dogs and we know more about behavior and therefore we should be up here. And my hand is up above my head out of the screen, for those on, not watching YouTube. But, it's like a, you need one of those space jam arms all the way, like, right to Michael Jordan's, you know? Just his arm out. But, you know, the, the Second, I adopted Fern. I was like, Oh, she's so smart. Like we're going to get all these trick titles. I'm going to do all this with her. I had it listed on my whiteboard for two years, haven't done it. And I finally realized like, she's fucking awesome. I don't need all those things for us to feel important. Sure. They would be. really great accomplishments. But I have two businesses I run and I manage a podcast. I don't have the time. Like, I want time for my husband and time for myself and downtime with my animals. I don't need to do that stuff in order to feel accomplished. Some people do and I think that's fantastic that they have that drive. But I put way too much effort into my business and by the time, like, I'm done, I'm like, I don't want to train. I'm tired. Like, I want to chill and read my book. So funny you say that because on our fridge right now is all 15 tricks for the like do more with your dog trick title and I'm like, all right, I'm gonna do it, Darla, like the other day, I was like, I'm gonna record all these things. I'm gonna get her trick title. And it's like, mean, I didn't. And it's like, she can do all of them. Like, what am I Am I trying to prove this to other people? Am I trying to prove this to myself? Like, I love her and she is capable of so many cool things. Like, what am I trying to prove right now, you know? And anyone that follows you on social media, they would know how awesome she is. Like, they don't need to, like, say, See all your trick titles to know that. And I think it's, sometimes I get stuck in being the troop leader's daughter, like, uh, like with Darla, like, well, Darla has to be like, she's everybody's idols. She's and same with Clark. Like she should be able to do all these things, but like my dogs have their own personalities and they have things they can and cannot do. Like when I went to, so speak St. Louis is one of the rescues I trained for. And every year they host this really cool event that has all these deaf and blind dogs. It's like, it's like, yeah, you told me about that a while back. Yeah, really cool. We took Darla to one year and she like epically did not like it. Like it was, what I think it was is cause we were in a warehouse and I think all the dogs playing and the echoing, overstimulating. Totally. Clark is like Rachel against the machine at it and like loves it, you know, but she and I just didn't realize I'm like, okay, this is so interesting. I can see why you wouldn't, but I didn't because she loves other dogs. She loves to play. She loves to be in the environment though. exactly. So it's, it's one thing that not even as. Taking my dog trainer hat off and my friend hat on, our pet guardian hat on, is one thing that if anybody who's listening has a dog that has a disability or you've worked with me, like, it's It's okay that your dogs can't do things. I know we push all the time. Our dogs can do so many things. Our dogs are so cool. These dogs are so smart. But it's okay. It's okay that they can't do agility. Like, it's okay that they can't do A competition obedience or whatever it is, you know, it's, it's okay, or it's okay if your dog is too nervous to go hiking because the environment is too much like, but that social media does not help with that. And especially circling back to the beginning of our conversation with the fad of a lot of deaf and blind dogs on social media right now, you know, don't, I, the trainer who trains these dogs compares. you guys. So like, if you're listening, like don't compare yourself, you know, like I have all the same insecurities you do. And I have to work on, I have to work on that too, that I don't, I'm like, look at this app, you know, look at this person who's not a dog trainer doing these really cool things with their deaf and blind dog. I suck. You know, they're not a dog trainer though. They don't have a dog training business. They probably don't work for themselves or operate a business like. These are things that we don't think about because we're just seeing this tiny scope on this tiny screen. And then it's like, Oh wait, but that person may work for a big tech company. They may get a salary income. So they have this extra time. Whatever it is, it's going to be different for whoever else it is. I. Love my sister in law to death. She is practically my sister. I call her my baby sister and She works for a bigger tech company. So she has a more disposable income. She has an income where she can do more and There are moments where, of course, I have that comparison of like, well, she gets to go do that. I like, you know, I don't get to do that. I work for myself. I have a tight budget. But then I tell myself, like, you know what? She worked her ass off to get to that point, and she deserves it. And our lives are completely different. She does not own two businesses. But it's so polar opposite that like, why would I ever try to compare that when it's so different? And same. I'm like, totally, completely there with you. And I think one of the things to compare myself to what you just said, one of the things I'm really like, This is like super vulnerable. I might get a little emotional, but one of the things I'm like really struggling with is like the thought of children, because I really want to be a mom. Like I would, I would freaking love that. I mean, I nurture all everything else in my life. I think you'd be a natural. Thank you so much. But like we a would have to work as a queer couple so hard to have a kid. But as a couple, I'm queer, and my partner is trans. And I hate to say this, but I feel like we're revolving our pregnancy around an election. Because like trans rights are just so hard right now. And it's when we were in Norway, like, It was really hard to, you know, it was great to like a sip of water really quick. Yeah. Need a tissue too. I love you. No, I'm just saying that because I know you cannot physically cry when you are drinking water. Thank you. But it's like you have two weeks of like that you don't hear that half the country doesn't think you should be like a person or that you should be or a part of the country that like doesn't think you should be parents. Yes. And. It's hard, you know, it was like that was another, you know, not alone. Not only do I do sometimes burn myself out with dog training, like I burn myself out with always reading about trans rights and laws and queer, you know, LGBTQ rights. And sometimes actually talked to one of my clients about this who's queer, sometimes you just have to like, put your not put your head in the sand, but like, shut your phone off and be like, know that this is happening, I'm keeping myself informed, and I'm keeping myself, I'm keeping myself informed, I'm keeping myself aware of what's going on, but like, I have to take a break. This is so overwhelming sometimes, you know? I, I can't relate to that, but I hate that that is your experience and Jay's experience. I think Everyone deserves to feel safe where they live, first of all, first and foremost. Second of all, I feel like most queer and trans couples would be better parents than most people out there, frankly. Like, and it's just, I, I hate that, like, on top of everything else you experience with your business. That is going on in the background, that a lot of people may not know you're dealing with because it's so heavy, but that is part of your everyday life and then you are going and going on social media and like, hey, look at my business. Come be my client. Like, yeah, boo. Like, of course, you're like, burnt out and stressed. Like, there are so many factors going on in the background that like, I am in awe of how you do it all. But I know that Okay. It weighs on you. It does, and I know that there's a lot of privilege in me being white, so I really don't want to take away that either. I know that there are plenty of people in the community that struggle harder. But it's, I'm in a part of the country, I'm in technically a safe state, but it's you have to screen your clients a little bit harder as a queer trainer because you don't want to walk into a house that you're going to feel unsafe. Yeah. Um, you have to again, so I put a picture of Jay and I on my website for a reason because I'm like, look, if you're going to hire me, you need to know who I am. And there's also a part Jay and I just talked about this last night at dinner. I for anyone not. On YouTube, I cut off all my hair and I, there was a lot to that, but I feel very liberated when I have short hair because I feel visible a little bit more, not that like hair is not, um, Hair is a big thing in the queer community. It's like, it always kind of has been. And, and so to all my fems, you, you know, please do not feel like you have to shave your head, but I feel like when I feel my queerness through my hair a lot, and I feel proud of that. Like, I'm so proud to be queer. I'm so proud to be in this community. I don't, when. Taking on clients. I almost want them to, to, to feel that vibe. They should. Yeah. I don't want to work with you if you, um, are against who I am. You know, obviously. Well, it's not going to work out well. Totally. So it's just, it's, you're right. I think I try to, I think I try to push that burnt out part about trans rights. I don't, I try to push that down because I don't, want people to see how proud I am. But it's also hard when you love your spouse. with a burning flame and to see so, you know, multiple states across the country not feel that way. And then to travel to a country for your wedding where for two weeks straight nobody mispronounced your spouse and everyone treated your spouse like a normal human being. It was a little life changing. It's a hard slap in the face of like just how shitty America is. of America, but yeah, exactly. And I, I, again, I used to say like, Oh my God, the world is such a terrible place. I actually changed that after Norway. I'm like parts of the world are terrible place. You know, like we made some friends over there and. The way they communicated with us and the way they asked Jay questions, it was just out of pure kindness. And they even said to like, there's just something like we don't know about all Americans, but they were like, but you two are just so kind and we just want to be that example for people. But Some people just here won't want to see that. So again, I don't think until this podcast, I realize how much I push that down, but I do. And that really adds to the burnt outness to. I hate that, I hate that you, I know, I know, just like, come here, like, I just, I love you so much, and I love, you know, I don't even know Jay, but I feel like I do because of how much you include them in your business and everything, and it's just, I love you both so much, and I hate that you, Both have to experience that because you're such, oh now I'm going to get teared up, you're just such wonderful, incredibly kind people and you don't deserve that and it makes me so angry that someone, we, we feel so, we feel so grateful to have people like you in our lives Like the one thing about the children thing is like we have such a safe bubble right now Like we have a community that loves us and we have people that well, and, but I think this is so, that's what I wanted to say. I think this is so important and I'm so, so grateful that you came on. That we can talk about this because the dog training community is a huge part queer. And I, you know, yes, I, I, like majority of the dog training community is queer and trans and I think that they deserve to feel loved and heard and understood and safe and talking about this more, I hope that they do feel that. Just even if it's in this little tiny corner where we're in, like, And just to know, like, you're not being, you're not putting your head in the sand if you can't keep reading all the art. Like, like you remind you have to tune certain things out. You can't take everything and yeah, and to take a break from it, like take a break from the business, take a break from all of the articles that you're reading about what's happening, like just find something that checks you out and to give you that Zen. And if I really want to be a mom right now, and I'm scratching that itch by like watering my plants and, you know, spending moments in a field with my horse, like. Fuck yeah, you know, like, yes, you know, like that and it's that and it's you're in the same boat as me that you're like comparing yourself with trials and and competitions like you're doing a great job because half the country right now is Is battling you and you're already going against so much that, like, the average cis straight person just doesn't understand, you know, to give yourself that empathy and to communicate with your loved ones who get it. Sometimes some loved ones don't. That's why I feel so grateful to for, you know, to have my bubble to have my partner to have my person and to have our family. I know I'm not technically a real mom, but I'm a you have a family. It's a family. I have a family and they are my everything and I just need to let go of the control. Let go of what's happening around me and just feel safe in my bubble and I any anyone who's listening who's trans queer Any part of the lgbtq plus community like give yourself that hug as well Because you're battling a lot more than people probably understand mic drop just kidding yeah, really essentially like oh my god, like that was a fantastic way to end that but Oh my god, Erin. Yes, like it Yes, and it's, I know that's so much easier said than done to let control go over those things that we cannot be in control of, but I think just taking those little steps, finding little tiny things, having our chill time, whatever it might be, finding that and holding onto that and letting, you know, see where that leads you and expand and just remember to focus on yourself. There was that post I made and it was. What someone thinks about you or how you operate your business is none of your damn business. And that's so true because you don't need to let that shit in. It's none of your business what someone thinks of you, what their opinion is of you. And if you have a pet, and I'm so sorry to interrupt it, you know, if you have a pet with a disability and you're listening to this, like, you're already working so hard. Like, you're already You know, like give yourself the space to not compare yourself to others. It's none of anybody's business what your dog can or cannot do. Yes. And, you know, they're not, I'm not trying to sound like a car salesman, but there is, I have a, I have a community for you. Like there, there's, all of us feel these feels and, you know, we're all just here for, for all of you that you're not, no one is ever alone in whatever community you're in. Yeah, it's just, it's taking the time to find them and it's very easy once you just like kind of crack that window open, it'll, and then you'll find all your people. and to feel safe there. Yes. Well, yes, that's like, that should be the most important part, but yeah, thank you for mentioning that. Erin, I love you so, so, so much and thank you so much for coming on. This was just, whew, this was an episode I didn't even know I needed. And I'm so glad we got this out. I was like, I think this was my chill time. Like, this was great. You know, thank you. I mean, I didn't, I figured I was going to get a little teary eyed cause I wanted to really share a part of myself that I've never shared on a podcast. And I really only felt safe doing that with you. So I just want to thank you for allowing all of these wonderful speakers to be vulnerable and to share some of their heartaches. And, you're just like, uh, you're an extremely valuable. Needed part of the industry that I'm so grateful to know you on more than one level. And if you like what we're doing here on the Leashed Mind podcast and you want to help others find us, make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel, follow us on social media, give us a rating wherever you got your podcasts, whether that's leaving a review on Apple or giving us a star rating on Spotify, or just leaving a little R plus on our Facebook page. It's all appreciated. Thank you. And we will be back with another episode. Um,