When Your Doctor Gaslights You

Dr. Kerry: [00:00:00] They in that moment are seen as the expert, which gives them a lot of power. And unfortunately, those occupations like doctors and psychiatrists, psychologists, and other professional people who are in a position of power, it attracts toxic individuals. Your symptoms are real. Even if the tests are normal, you don't need a reason to justify why you're deciding to leave a harmful provider.

Are you seeing anything that is red flags? Uh, like for example,

a podcast listener recently wrote in with this question she asked Dear Kerry. Could you do a podcast on the topic of narcissism, psychopathy, and healthcare? I have unfortunately been on the receiving end of this all too often. It's a terrible situation to be in when you're vulnerable due to illness and seeking help from a doctor or other healthcare provider, it's incredibly discouraging and defeating to.

Continually be gaslit [00:01:00] about your symptoms being told that there is nothing wrong when you're experiencing life impacting symptoms every day for years. Doctors who act like you're bothering them by asking questions, being told basically that your physical pain is all in your head and being spoken to as if you're the stupidest person in the world.

Yes, I am intimately familiar with this experience. I've had it happen to me multiple times, unfortunately. I think that's something that. All of us are at risk of, but unfortunately this is something that women tend to be a little more vulnerable around because it's, we're seen as more likely to exaggerate our symptoms, which is actually a complete myth.

But let's break down what often happens in medical settings around our healthcare needs. When you walk into any kind of setting like that, you are actually in a one down position. You're vulnerable. You are in a subordinate position because you're needy and you're likely. To look for help, which is a form of dependency on your [00:02:00] healthcare provider.

They, in that moment, are seen as the expert, which gives them all a lot of power, and unfortunately, those occupations like doctors and psychiatrists, psychologists, and other professional. People who are in a position of power, it attracts toxic individuals, but it also, it puts people in an uncomfortable position.

So I really wanna talk about it from two different perspectives. I wanna first talk about the myth that we have about healthcare, but then I wanna talk about the type of people who get attracted to healthcare professions. So first, let's address just the fact that we have myths around healthcare. We like to think that we know everything there is about the body, that health, the medical health has been demystified.

And we have a really good understanding of what's illnesses and how to treat it. But the truth of the matter is we don't, there's a whole lot we don't know about the human body and the human mind, and there's a lot we can get wrong a lot. And so when somebody comes in with symptoms, their, [00:03:00] first of all, their presentation may be not typical.

Or maybe they're describing things in a really different way. You know, think about how people talk about pain. It could be like lightning or dull ache, or it could be a throbbing. There's all these words for pain, and somehow a doctor is supposed to take what you're describing and turn that into.

Categories into symptoms that line up with a certain type of diagnosis. It's really tricky when you think about it. For example, my late husband couldn't describe his pain at all. They would ask him how bad is it, and he wouldn't be able to tell if it was dull or if it was aching, if it was throbbing or sharp.

He wouldn't just have any language for it. They would ask him if he needed medication and they would also ask him like to name the level of his pain and he couldn't, he couldn't tell you if it was a one or if it was a 10. It took me finally interpreting for the doctors what he was trying to say. I would tell them he would never ask for his medication unless he really needed it, [00:04:00] that he wasn't drug seeking.

And so then they would say, you know, Mr. McAvoy, do you need some medication? And he was like, yes, yes I do. And that was the only way that he was able to indicate that he was looking for help. But you might get somebody else in the office who's extremely knowledgeable about their bodies, who has a really good internal sense of what's happening and has an ability to describe it, but.

Consider the fact that a doctor is seeing patients rapidly, one after another, and every person's describing whatever's happening to them in a little bit different way, and they're supposed to somehow make it make sense and interpret that into something that's workable on top of the fact that they don't know everything about the body, and that sometimes illnesses show up in really odd ways.

So it is. Not acceptable, but yet not surprising that we have physicians who misdiagnosis, don't understand what we're trying to describe to them. Don't take what's happening to us seriously. And as a result, we end [00:05:00] up wasting time. Um, maybe not getting the kind of help that we need, or even being injured by too much help.

I, I've also seen that too, where people are prescribed too many medications and they end up having an interaction that causes a very serious consequence. So. Getting good care is. Unfortunately trickier than we'd like to think that it is, and a lot can go wrong, but in the midst of this, we also have power dynamics.

The fact that you are looking for an expert opinion opens you up to being vulnerable to people who can take advantage of that and. In people who are more emotionally immature, who like to be in control, who like to have powers, a position of dominance, often are attracted to professions that give that to them.

And unfortunately that includes mental health professionals. So it becomes tricky to understand what exactly is happening in these dynamics, whether or not you've ended up experiencing a pathological healthcare provider who's not safe, or you've got a. [00:06:00] Issue where maybe there's a, something's going wrong with you that doesn't quite make sense, or maybe it's presenting in an odd way, or maybe it's they're having a hard time understanding you.

But there's a lot that can go wrong with this. That leads to kind of uncertainty, but also biases and pathology. And that's the third thing I didn't even bring up. The fact that we walk into these rooms with natural biases. That result in some people being cared for better than others. It may be because of financial resources may kind of insurance that they're carrying.

It may be that we have biases about a certain type of people group, so we end up interpreting pain more seriously of one group over top of another. But it can lead to a lot of mismanagement. In our healthcare. So I'd like to talk about some things that you can do to help you reduce the risk of this, should you need help.

The next time this happens, before you go in for an appointment, consider taking in a one page summary of what you're experiencing, including a timeline you might wanna include. The onset of what's happening, [00:07:00] the frequency that you're experiencing, the symptoms, what seems to act as triggers that sets it off.

What's helped and what you've tried. You might also consider bringing in your top three questions along with your goal. You might say, for example, I'm here to rule out X and discuss the next steps. You might also wanna consider bringing in a support person. Think about during that appointment acting collaboratively that you are here working with them as part of a healthcare team for yourself.

So don't hesitate to come in and act proactively in your best interest because you know yourself better than anyone else. You might also want to listen to how that provider makes you feel. Are you seeing anything that is red flags, like for example, contempt, mockery, or humiliation? Are they refusing to answer your basic questions?

Are you being punished for asking questions? Are they labeling things and turning it into threats and escalating things, labeling you difficult? Are they [00:08:00] refusing to document decisions or the rationales? You have a right by the way to your medical history. You have a right to see what's written in your chart because it actually, the information is yours, it belongs to you.

The paper may belong to the mental health provider, but the description of what's happening belongs to you. So you can ask to see what's written in your notes and you can also follow up and ask why they're not doing more workups, and you can also get second opinions. All of that is within your power. I found what really helpful for me is to take a support person when I'm feeling iffy and in doubt.

I also found that sometimes it really helps for me to. Circle back and do a kind of outline or review of what was said and covered. All of these can help make sure that everybody's on the same page. I also have found that sometimes I just wanna talk to more than one professional to get an outside opinion.

I remember years ago I had a lot of issues with my feet and I saw help, but I didn't do anything about it. And recently I sought [00:09:00] help again and got a completely different diagnosis. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to get more opinions on the same issue. So here are some things I really would love to leave you with.

You don't need a reason to justify why you're deciding to leave a harmful provider. If someone doesn't make you feel safe, it's okay to find somebody else. Your symptoms are real, even if the tests are normal. And respect is not optional. In healthcare, it's a requirement. Documenting things, asking, clarifying questions, and getting second opinions are not overreactions.

And if your body is saying you feel unsafe, listen to it. Thank you so much for this question. I deeply appreciate the trust that you show me when you send them in. If you would like me to answer your question on air, please send it to clients at Kerry McAvoy, PhD at cli. ENTS at Kerry McAvoy PhD or use the link below in the show notes and I'll see you back here for our next fan mail [00:10:00] segment.