4 Ways Narcissists Use Your Name to Control and Dehumanize You

Kerry: [00:00:00] People who don't use your name for decades, that's not a quirk. That's someone who's trying to erase you as a person. This is using your name as a weapon. Now think about that for a second. It's not a loving act. This is somebody who's trying to deliberately harm you by making you feel foggy so that they can gain control during a tense moment They're showing you they don't respect you.

This is something that's kind of like a passive-aggressive maneuver designed to hurt you over time

A viewer wrote in and asked at the end of her comment this question, and she had directly asked it of me. She said after a long period of marriage, her husband has never, not once, called her by name. He's had no pet names for her, no nicknames, and then she wondered if I had ever heard of that. Yes, I have.

In [00:01:00] fact, I've experienced something very similar. And you may not know of what's happening to you and why this person does this, but I want you to take away something as you listen to this episode. Notice how a person uses and speaks your name. It tells you something about them. It tells you how they see you and how they feel about you.

This individual who asked if I'd ever heard of that, what I experienced in my toxic relationship was mine, and I share this this week in the main podcast episode on Monday with Lynn, that my ex used to call me gorgeous. And the way he said that, I could tell he knew I doubted it, that I had had some insecurity around my appearance, that my self-image was probably where I'd been affected and damaged the most, and that it was a way for him to sort of name me tongue in cheek, to sort of even maybe use a name that is sarcastic.

It may be contemptuous, that he didn't really mean that I was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen and that he felt that I was the most [00:02:00] lovely person. It was his way of emphasizing that I wanted that and that probably he didn't think that, and it hurt. And interestingly enough, whenever we would have an argument or, and something kind of pulled the relationship apart, he would revert back to my name, Kerry.

He would call me Kerry, not gorgeous. And it was a way to sort of take away- as if this was something special, and it wasn't, but to take away that special thing from me in order to hurt me." Your name is an acknowledgement of who you are. It's a, it's evidence of your personhood, and the way people use your name tells you something about how they see you and how much they prioritize you.

It gives you information. People who don't use your name for decades, that's not a quirk. That's someone who's trying to erase you as a person. This is something that there's a thousand small omissions of your importance, that you matter, that they [00:03:00] see you. There's a recognition. It's a strategic withholding of showing affectionate and recognizing and indicating that you are an individual worthy of acknowledgement.

Somebody else wrote and said that whenever her partner would start to cheat, they wouldn't use her name altogether. They would use some other name. And then somebody else wrote in and shared how their partner always used some interchangeable name like babe or honey. Both of those are not actually terms of endearment, although they sound like it.

They're actually what's called interchangeability protocol. Not everybody's a babe. But when they do that, it's an effort to cover up something that they're doing. It's evidence of deception. It's, in other words, a tell, and we need to not see this as loving or affectionate. Even though it may f- like, on the appearance look like that, it's actually a form of manipulation because love uses specifics.

It remembers your name. Manipulation uses templates. [00:04:00] You're not a person. You're something they're trying to get something, to extract something from. And then there's another weird way in which names get used, and it can be weaponized. It can actually become a form of hypnosis through the use of overuse.

A viewer wrote in with this describing how her partner would overly use her name whenever there was an argument. She said she could almost feel, like, a trance-like sensation coming over her during the argument. This wasn't in her head. This is actually something that's been documented and researched. A repeated use of somebody's name has a destabilizing effect on your nervous system, and if you couple that through the use of conflict, that's the opposite of erasure.

That's actually trying to use your name against you. It's become a tool. It's become a way in which to Force you to slip into sort of a hypnotic state so they can manipulate you into the direction that they want. This is using your name as a weapon. Now think about that for a second. It's not a [00:05:00]loving act.

This is somebody who's trying to deliberately harm you by making you feel foggy so that they can gain control during a tense moment. Another viewer wrote in and shared how her partner mispronounced her name, even though she told him she didn't like the way that he said it, and it wasn't the way that the family had grown up calling her that.

He did it anyway, repeatedly. Now, this is something that's really, although it l- it seems like a small thing, it's a big thing. This is a person who's saying, "I get to decide how I'm going to name you and call you. You don't have any say-so on it, and I'm gonna do exactly the way that I want." And it's a way to kind of, over time, corrode the sense of respect that you feel from them.

They're showing you they don't respect you. This is something that's kind of like a passive-aggressive maneuver designed to hurt you over time. When we hear somebody's use of name or lack of use of our names, it tells us something about how they see us. It's a [00:06:00] revelation of this relationship, because your name is the personification of you.

So pay attention to how somebody speaks it. Are they erasing you by never using it? Are they weaponizing it by making it hypnotic? Are they in some way showing you disrespect or even contempt by doing it inappropriately or harmful? Hmm. Maybe it's somebody who's using generic names as a way to sort of act like they're affectionate, but really to hide they're, they're being deceptive or betraying you.

Watching how someone uses your name can turn into a powerful tool and help you to be able to see what's actually happening in your relationship. It gives you sort of a, a measure of resolution. Is this a high- Hmm ... resolution relationship and where love is actually all in the details? Or is this someone who's performing an effort that's actually really low, there's no resolution at all, it's actually the bar is down nearly in hell?

Pay [00:07:00] attention to how they use your name. It's telling you something important. And if you'd like me to take your question or problem on air, please send it to clients@c-l-i-e-n-t-s@kerrymcevoyphd.com or use the link in the show notes. I'd love to be able to tackle your biggest issue on air. It's 2:00 AM again, and you're replaying that whole conversation over, and you're wondering to yourself, "Was it really that bad, or maybe I'm just being dramatic?"

So you start to draft that I'm sorry text again because the guilt that you're feeling or the confusion you're experiencing is just unbearable. And you know this loop because you've been there before, but I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm Dr. Kerry McEvoy. I'm a retired psychologist, and for 25 years I've been helping people untangle exactly what toxic relationships do to your mind, how they create the confusion, the self-doubt, and that trauma bond that keeps pulling you back in.

Here's the truth. Recovery isn't about getting more information. It's about having the right [00:08:00]support in the exact moment you need it. That's why I've created Reclaim You. It's a private, always available coaching app built from my work and my content organized into an extensive library that you can actually use when you're triggered.

Inside it, you'll get five-minute lessons when your brain can't handle a deep dive, check-ins that meet you exactly where you are, whether you're feeling strong, shattered, or numb, boundary scripts that help you say no without overexplaining, grounding tools that work fast when you're activated, and progress tracking so you can see proof you're healing even on days when it feels like you're not.

There's no appointments, no waiting, no judgment, just practical support right when you need it. Reclaim You, real help in real time right in your pocket, and it's a coaching support, not therapy or emergency care. Learn more at studio.com/drkerry. So start your healing today and reclaim [00:09:00]you.