The Part No One Talks About: What It Really Takes to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

This week, I’m pulling back the curtain on something few of us talk about—the emotional toll of surviving narcissistic abuse after the relationship ends. Healing is hard. Helping others heal while still navigating your own recovery? Even harder. In this episode, I share why I’m taking a short summer hiatus—and how you can still stay connected and supported during this time. 

💌 For Paid Substack Subscribers: Here’s What’s Ahead This Summer 

-July 9th @ 5pm CT – Ask Me Anything: A Real Conversation with Dr. Kerry 

→ RSVP Here (https://form.jotform.com/Kerry_McAvoy/ask-me-anything) 

-August Gift Drop – A surprise bonus for active paid subscribers. You’ll love it. 

-Weekly Content Series – Light, reflective summer posts that explore themes of emotional freedom, healing fatigue, and rebuilding from the inside out. 

🆓 BONUS FOR ALL SUBSCRIBERS: You’ll also get early access to my brand new lead magnet: “Toxic or Troubled? Find Out How Well Your Relationship Rates” …plus a free customized gift based on your results. But here’s the catch—the only way to stay in the loop is to be on the newsletter list. 

👉 Not on the list yet? Join here (http://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse) to get weekly insights and free healing resources delivered straight to your inbox.

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More About Dr. Kerry

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist and author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. Her blogs have been featured in Mamami, YourTango, Scary Mommy, and The Good Men Project. In Love You More, Dr. McAvoy gives an uncensored glimpse into her survival of narcissistic abuse, and her workbook, First Steps to Leaving a Narcissist, helps victims break free from the confusion common in abusive relationships. She hosts the Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse podcast and offers trauma-related advice on social media.

Transcript

0:04

Why does abuse survivors continue to over function after they leave an abusive relationship? Well, today I'm going to take a turn and talk about why I am continuing to over function despite being out of that relationship for six years. And what I need to do about it in order for me to be healing better. This is not going to be your normal episode that you've come to expect. Would you believe I have been producing Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse podcasts for three years now, and I've decided to take a summer pause through June, July, and early August. I want you to know, though, this is not a goodbye. This is just a recalibration. And I want to tell you why I'm doing this. When you've survived abuse, you've learned that you need to over function. Abuse teaches us to ignore our bodies, to make other people's comfort our priorities, to live in constant anticipation of criticism or abandonment, to value output over our well-being, and to work ourselves into exhaustion and still end up feeling like we're being left behind. It tells us that we can only rest once we've earned it. But the problem is, you're never going to earn it because there's never enough. You're never good enough. You never do enough. You're never perfect enough. And even though you get out of abuse, that mindset of not being enough just doesn't go away because the relationship has ended. For a lot of us, it becomes how we operate in everyday life. And it's been showing up in my life too. This is how I've been seeing it in me. I've been skipping meals, struggling to fit in exercise, struggling to fall asleep and shut my brain off at night to get rest. I often work through the weekends with this kind of restless, driven energy. You know what I'm talking about. Where it's hard to focus, struggle even to read. I often feel too burned out to connect with people here in Austin, even though I've moved here six years ago. And despite being in my new home since last fall, I still haven't met my new neighbors. And I find myself questioning the value of my work and feeling ashamed even about promoting what I've built to help others. I know that probably shocks you how hard it is for me to market because of this chronic imposter syndrome that I'm battling, and as a high masking autistic adult, I'm constantly navigating the pressures to blend in socially. On top of everything else. And at the root of it all, I'm still afraid that saying this is enough for now is going to make me somehow unlovable or unsafe. And and then I get afraid that if I pause, someone else will fill the space and try to take control once again, leaving me feeling in danger and out of control. That's the danger of over functioning because it keeps the door cracked for further abuse. Because when we don't protect our time, energy or voice, then no one else is going to either. Or they're going to take advantage of the fact that there's this gap that we're leaving open because of our inability to step into that space. So this pause that I'm taking this summer really matters because I'm not just calibrating the podcast. I'm reclaiming some space in my own heart and in my nervous system. So I want to ask you some things to think about whether or not This may be a time for you to pause as well. So here are some signs that you might want to watch out for that you're in post-abuse hyperdrive. Do you feel guilty any time you're resting? Do you preemptively shape yourself into some contortion to prevent upsetting other people? Have you lost touch with your emotional or physical state? Do you rarely celebrate your own work and often feel ashamed For even wanting to? Do you feel a low grade panic, as if you're not being productive enough? If any of this sounds like you. I want to invite you to pause with me this summer. Not to disappear, but just to recenter. So what should you expect while I'm away? First of all, in some ways I will be away. In other ways I won't. I won't be publishing new podcast episodes or podcast extra episodes until August 18th, but I'm not going anywhere. So here's what you can expect. I still will be going live each week on YouTube, on Tuesdays at 4 p.m. Central Standard Time. And if you're a channel subscriber at YouTube, you'll get priority for questions. I also will continue to publish the Substack newsletter only without the podcast extra interviews that it typically includes. But I want to be a little more involved by utilizing the notes and chat portion of Substack in order to give you some reflections and behind the scenes insights. If you've subscribed on Ko-fi, I would really love you to move over to Substack. And if you do, I'll give you three months complimentary premium membership as a gift from me to say thank you for doing that. Just please email me at hello@kerrymcavoyphd.com After canceling your Ko-fi subscription, let me know you're moving to Substack and I'll send you a complimentary three month membership. I will also, for those of you who are my paid subscribers, whether it's on Substack, Ko-fi or YouTube, you're invited to a live Q&A event in July. July 9th to be exact at 5 p.m. this is for all active subscribers, and it's going to be an ask me anything kind of experience. In fact, I'm going to include the link for you to sign up if you're a subscriber on YouTube, Ko-fi or Substack. And I'm also launching a huge free gift to everybody. It's a free course and handout called Toxic or Troubled?, and I'll be telling you more about that in the subsequent weeks on Substack. So watch out for more information being released about how to access that, how to take advantage of this free mini course that I'm offering you. And if you continue to stay as a paid subscriber through August and go through this period of time with me, I'm going to give you a special gift as my thank you. And I'm not going to tell you what it is, you're just going to get it in August. For anybody who's still active as a paid subscribers on YouTube, Ko-fi or Substack, you'll get this gift when I return on August 18th, I want you to know that I'm also doing some exciting things. One is that I'm launching a brand new segment called Fan Mail, where I'm taking your questions that you ask either by text on Buzzsprout, because I know many of you say. Is this a live line? No it's not, but I see your questions and I've now started answering your questions. So that's going to be a new, new segment that's going to be live on Tuesdays alongside of the podcast episode that will continue to be on Monday. And the normal podcast has an amazing guest lineup that you're not gonna want to miss. That includes Dr. Les Carter. He's coming back for the third time. I'm so thrilled. Bill Eddy has agreed to come back. I'm also going to be interviewing Dr. Robin Stern for more about gaslighting and Dr. Nadine Macaluso has agreed to come back as well to talk more about trauma bonds. So I've got an incredible lineup for this fall that you're not going to want to miss, and we're going to take these conversations, even deeper and richer around your real life questions. In the meantime, I'd love to hear from you. You know, please don't stop communicating with me. You can leave a message on the text, which, by the way, I want to say again is not a live line. I can't respond to it except in when I respond like this or some other format, but I can't directly interact with you on the Buzzsprout. You know, whenever you see, leave me a text on the audio podcast that is not a live line, but I do take those comments and questions seriously, and I'll be answering them on the upcoming new segment called Fan Mail. But I'd love to hear from you whether you leave a comment, whether you email me, DM me on Instagram or on TikTok, I'd love to know what is it that you're struggling with most right now? What is still unclear or haunting you? Who would you like to see me interview? What kind of support do you need that you're not finding anywhere else? Please remember you can reach me on YouTube comments, on social media which includes TikTok, Facebook and Instagram, as well as Substack or by email. Because I want to hear from you. And also, I just want to now thank you. Because this is not so much about me educating you. this is a relationship that we've been building. You have allowed me to walk alongside of you, and now you're letting me be human to. So thank you so much for giving me the space to return stronger, wiser and more present for you. And I'll see you live on Thursdays until we meet back here again fully on August 18th. Well, that's a wrap for this week's episode. Are you following me on TikTok, Facebook, Instagram and YouTube? You can find me at Kerry McAvoy PhD. Or you can learn about me and more about my resources, such as the Toxic Free Relationship Club at kerrymcavoyphd.com. If you found this episode helpful, please do me a favor and leave me a five star review and I'll see you back here next week.