He Has Successfully Destroyed Me! Answering Your Fan Mail (Bonus)

Welcome to our new podcast segment called Fan Mail! This is where Dr. Kerry answers your questions. 

To kick off our weekly bonus episode, Dr. Kerry is responding to a listener who writes, “He has destroyed me and my world after 16 years of marriage.” -- from Westminster California

More About the Episode

Today Dr. Kerry answers two fan mail requests:
1. "Please address abuse from a man's perspective." -Cleveland, Ohio
2. "I can't heal...He's successfully destroyed my world. -Westminster, California

Submit Your Question

If you would like your question addressed on air, please respond here: https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/fan-mail

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More About Dr. Kerry

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist and author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. Her blogs have been featured in Mamami, YourTango, Scary Mommy, and The Good Men Project. In Love You More, Dr. McAvoy gives an uncensored glimpse into her survival of narcissistic abuse, and her workbook, First Steps to Leaving a Narcissist, helps victims break free from the confusion common in abusive relationships. She hosts the Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse podcast and offers trauma-related advice on social media.

Transcript

Kerry: Welcome to fan mail, a space where I answer your real questions about toxic relationships, narcissistic abuse, and the long road to healing. So this is a place that if you have a question about something that's making you feel stuck or you just need someone to name what's really going on for you. This is the place. Because, each week I'm gonna take a listener's question and break it down with the same mix of professional insight and raw honesty that you've come to expect from me. So if you'd like to have me answer your top question, I'd love to hear from you. There's three ways to do that. First, you can leave a comment under one of the fan mail videos on YouTube.

Or you can email me at hello@kerrymcavoyphd.com. Or if you're listening to an audio podcast episode, click on the send us a text link in each of that podcast show notes. Because the bottom line is, your feelings and what's happening to you really matters. And chances are if it's happening to you. It's happening to someone else and this is something we all need to be talking about.

I got a recent fan mail from Cleveland, Ohio that read, could you do some special episodes where men are the victim? I love your stuff, but sometimes feel excluded because I'm a male victim. A lot of my experiences are the same, but they seem very different because I'm a man.

First of all, I just really wanna thank Cleveland, Ohio for sending this message. And you're right, there's a lot of content online that is targeted towards women victims, not the men victims. And we do need to increase our sensitivity because abuse happens to both men and women. The statistics according to the government is that there is nearly as many women narcissists as there are men.

I think it's like something like 5% of women to six or 7% of men. But they're not far off from 50/50, and it's interesting how we tend to focus more on the male narcissist than we do on the female narcissist. So Cleveland, Ohio. I wanna let you know that I do have a planned episode coming up, and I'm gonna be interviewing a host of a male podcast, specifically targeting men who experienced some form of abuse.

So please hold on. I will make it more of an effort to try to present it from both sides, not just from a woman being abused by men, but also men being abused by women. So I appreciate that you're a follower and I appreciate the request. So thank you so much. Cleveland, Ohio.

I recently got a fan mail letter from someone in Westminster, California, and she wrote.

I can't heal. My world after surviving for 16 years is at its end. He has successfully destroyed me even though I've had to flee. So my son will still have a mom even 400 miles away with complex PTSD. I'm now left with such massive debt that I can't continue with the exorbitant attorney fees, and I'm still not divorced.

This is a common problem when we get out of toxic relationships that we feel utterly devastated and unfortunately, we often think the abuse will stop because we've outta the relationship, but it doesn't. It continues into post-separation abuse. And the level of degree of helplessness and hopelessness we feel is extraordinary.

We often end up feeling like we are beaten down and that there's nothing more that we can do. So I wanna give a few pieces of encouragement here, and in no way do I wanna minimize the terrible impact that you've experienced, the terrible tragedy and trauma, or how utterly wiped out that you're feeling.

But I wanna encourage you to know that you are in the middle of something that's unthinkable and that sometimes winning is breathing. Sometimes winning is holding on and not collapsing under the weight of the tragedy. I also want you to remember that healing is non-linear, often will experience burnout, grief, and rage.

These are all just parts of the healing. Not actually signs of failure, but signs of recovery. Your exhaustion isn't a sign of weakness. It's actually the residue of surviving something horrific for years on end. Take the time to heal. Think of it like taking baby steps. You know, you heard the old adage.

The best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. You have to approach your recovery and even divorce and the post-separation abuse in a similar way. One small step at a time. You are fighting not just for yourself, but you're also fighting for your family, for your child. So think about what you're actually in control of right now.

Sometimes I find it really helpful to make a master list and then just literally deal with the thing that's at the most critical level in this moment and see that is all that you need to do for that day instead of seeing it as something much larger that you have do a lot in a day. Literally just focus on one small manageable thing per day and think about the things that you really have control over.

Often we end up seeing this big picture and all the pieces that we can't manage that like we can't. You can't influence what the judge is or isn't gonna do. You don't know how fast things will get filed or if they won't. You don't know what new angle your ex might come in with, but you can control only what is under your control and the rest we have to find a way to let go of, to find a way to ground ourselves despite having these pieces that are beyond our ability to affect or change. So sometimes it's helpful just to find a touch point. You know, somebody that can come alongside of you to offer you support or encourage you, or just even to just practice a grounding practice with you for that day.

But I want you to know that I deeply appreciate you reaching out and sharing your story with us, and that I want you to know that you're not alone. You're not alone. I know that this is a terrible, painful juncture, but you're not alone. You're walking this out in the, in courage with bravery. And, and for you to share it with me is a, I see that as a sacred thing.

So thank you so much for reaching out with this story, and please, thank you. Anybody who sends something via fan mail, it is not a live text line, so we can't respond back, but I will make a concerted effort to make sure to respond to your messages. So thank you so much for Westminster, California's message today.

Thank you for listening and even more for trusting me with your questions. You are not alone on this journey. And I'll see you next time on Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse.