Can You Really Heal a Trauma Bond? + Why Do Narcissists Cheat? Answering Your Fan Mail

Can you really heal a trauma bond—or is the damage permanent? 

This week’s Fan Mail features two powerful questions. The first comes from a YouTube listener who asks: “Is it really possible to break a trauma bond? Even Dr. Ramani says she still struggles daily—so what’s the point of fighting, especially if kids are involved?” 

The second comes from a listener in New York, New York who wants to know: “Why do narcissists cheat—and how can you tell if it’s happening to you?” 

In this episode, Dr. Kerry unpacks the reality of healing from trauma bonds, offering both hope and hard truth, and explores the eight most common reasons narcissists cheat—plus the warning signs to watch for in your relationship. 

Submit Your Question 

If you would like your question addressed on air, please respond here: https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/fan-mail

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More About Dr. Kerry

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist and author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. Her blogs have been featured in Mamami, YourTango, Scary Mommy, and The Good Men Project. In Love You More, Dr. McAvoy gives an uncensored glimpse into her survival of narcissistic abuse, and her workbook, First Steps to Leaving a Narcissist, helps victims break free from the confusion common in abusive relationships. She hosts the Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse podcast and offers trauma-related advice on social media.

Transcript

Welcome to fan mail, a space where I answer your real questions about toxic relationships, narcissistic abuse, and the long road to healing. A lot of you would like to know why do narcissists cheat? And how do you know if it's happening to you, if your partner is stepping out on you? So today I wanna talk about the common reasons why narcissistic individuals cheat, as well as what to look for to spot if maybe it's happening to you.

There are eight different reasons, but these can occur at the same time. So it sometimes, it's not always just one answer, but it's multiple. But here's some things that might give you a better insight into why narcissistic individuals cheat. First, they feel entitled. They just don't believe the rules apply to them.

Somehow they see themselves as outside of the norms. So what they would hold you to as valid and important for you to follow. They don't hold themselves to the same standard, so it would be probably terribly wrong for you to cheat, but it's something that they find totally acceptable and they're looking for novelty because they, and they feel justified for taking it to them, the bottom line is what they want is what they need and deserve.

Number two is a constant need for admiration. They, have you ever noticed how they're the insatiable, bottomless pit for attention and as a result, it's just not enough from one person? So they often seek it from multiple sources. They don't find anything in a long-term commitment with one person as enough, so they're constantly on the lookout for more supply.

Number three is they get bored with routines. They are insatiable and very hungry for novelty. So once the newness of the relationship with you or whatever that honeymoon phase is, is over, they start to feel restless and disinterested and they start to chase the a dopamine hit for a new love interest or a new experience.

Number four is a lack of empathy. They don't really, frankly, care how their actions affect you, and so it makes it easy for them to cheat without a whole lot of remorse because they rationalize it and justify it. They may even blame you for it. They'll see it as you made them do this or they had no choice, or what else were they supposed to do because they were bored or life wasn't giving them enough interest or hits.

Number five is power and control. They use it as a way to see themselves as better than and above. It's a great power move is to have a relationship with someone else. It's having something over your partner that leads them to feel superior and better than different than.

Number six is a validation of desirability. They are looking for external evidence that they are all that they think that they are. And being desired by somebody else makes you feel incredibly special. Makes them feel sexy and worthy, even if it comes at your expense.

Number seven, retaliation or a form of revenge. You, if they in some way feel like you slighted them, even if it was an imagined or perceived, and even if it was something in your opinion, was a throwaway thing, something very small, incidental if they feel like it was damaging to them, they then may use that as a justification to get back at you for the injury.

And number eight is compartmentalization. Narcissists don't see their whole lives in its entirety. They literally segment it by what they do in different spaces with different people. So they're able to sort of separate the emotional intimacy with you from a physical intimacy with someone else and claim that it's something different and separate that they don't bother one another. That the fact that both are co-occurring, the fact they'll say things like, what you don't know won't hurt you. So those are the eight possible reasons. I'm sure there are more. And remember that they can occur together. There can be multiple reasons at the same time.

So how do you know if somebody that you're in a relationship with may be stepping out on you?

Here are some everyday signs that could be indicators, not necessarily. But could be indicators of cheating. Suddenly you notice that your partner is very interested in grooming. They're dressing better, they're starting to hit the gym without really a clear reason. You just notice something is like they're more attentive to themselves.

That could be indication, that they're doing it for somebody else. There's an increase of secrecy around their phones. They're more likely to turn off notifications. They start to hide the screen. Maybe they're changing the passwords or ch, you know, locked it you out of it, and that could be because there's something they're trying to hide.

Watch out for just this emotional disengagement and detachment where they feel like they're not very invested in you and they start to pick fights easier. They just feel this, this level of irritability with you, and that's because they're not invested investing in you because they're investing in someone else.

You also might see that there's new or unexplained time gaps or changes in their routine. Suddenly they're staying late consistently after work or they're suddenly going out and meeting with a new friend. If you see some kind of unexplained change, this could be a sign that they're really doing something that's, secret.

Look for overly defensive or reactionary responses to when you question them. So say they do come home late and you ask what might they be up to, you might find that they get really odd about that. They might push back. They might become reactive or sensitive, maybe even act a little paranoid about why you're questioning them.

You're gonna also notice a hot and cold dynamics where they try to make up and show up in a very profound way because they're feeling bad and so they'll start to love bomb you again but then they may at other times just be cold and checked out in distance. You may notice that they accuse you of cheating or being not trustworthy, and that's often a form of projection.

You know, when you're doing something that you shouldn't be doing, you start to see it in other people and you imagine it, and you might call it out in your partner. Watch for the signs of overcompensation. This could include like gifts or excessive attention, maybe taking you out on special dates or offering you a special gift, or maybe even wanting to be physically intimate with you.

Sometimes when somebody is feeling guilty, they'll step up in a more intense way as an effort to sort of make up to you. And watch for shifts in the way that they show up intimately with you. They may suddenly know a new technique or a new strategy, something that they have seemed to pick up, but it wasn't in the confines of your relationship, and that could be because they've learned something from someone else and finally pay attention to a sudden shift In the interest of being physically intimate with you. Sometimes there's actually increase of desire of being intimate because of the complexity of the guilt and justification and the efforts to sort of make up for their own lack, but also could be a decreased interest in you because now they have an outside focus that takes away all the energy that they would originally had for you. They've moved to this new relationship. So have you had this happen in your relationship? How did it show up and what were the signs that you saw that indicated that your partner was stepping out on you?

I got this powerful question that I really resonated with and it caused quite an emotional reaction to me. And so this, this listener wrote in and asked on YouTube, is it really possible to heal? Break a trauma bond? It seems hopeless. Even Dr. Ramani, who I love or respect, says that she still has to daily struggle with residual effects and feels that nothing she does is ever quite good enough. This person has OCD as well as C-P-T-S-D, and from both living with a, a toxic father as well as a husband. Then she asks, what's the point of fighting? Especially if we have kids together. I don't know if it's better to stay or go. Wow. thank you so much for this question.

It's a really deep question. What you're essentially asking is, does it get better? Is it worth the battle to leave? Or is this really the best that it gets, and you should just make peace with it. I have a reaction, a strong reaction, and that is a toxic relationship is essentially stabilizing a dysfunctional or a pathological person that you are sacrificing your sense of self, your wellbeing, to hold them up and to keep from rocking the boat to sort of stabilize and give a foundation to their problematic life.

You're moving from drama to drama, chaos to chaos, while they at the same time literally hollow you out from this inside out as never being good enough. And if you follow the course of a trauma bond, the ultimate position is one of submission and hopelessness. So it's not unusual for you to have these types of questions like, can it get better because it feels so bad because you've been in it for so long and that what does better look like? Is better worth the risks, the challenge, the fears of trying to get out. And I wanna let you know, yes, better is better. It is better. Everything leaves residual effects that we don't have any experience in our life that doesn't have an impact on us and change the way that we, the way that we function. But I'll let you know that the person I am today after that toxic relationship is profoundly different than the person I was in that relationship. The quality of my life today is so much different, so much better. I have real peace, real clarity. Yes. I still struggle sometimes with, imposter syndrome.

Sometimes I also have continuing anxiety about X, Y, or Z. And I know that it's a, it's coming off of those toxic relationships, but the person that I am today is more confident. I have found my voice. I'm taking risks in a way that I never have. I also have a kind of peace in my life. I get to know who I am inviting into my life.

And I have so much less drama than I had before. So yeah, healing will always be ongoing and I think life does that, that we're always sort of striving to be better and more and more centered, more balanced, and we don't ever quite arrive. But I know if I'd stayed in that toxic relationship that what I've achieved today would never have been possible. Never have been possible. And I know in the your situation, you've got kids involved as well, which ups the ante makes it even more of a loaded question. But they also don't get to know you in your strength and confidence they're living with you who's trying to appease and keep the peace. And that's not who you want them to know you as either.

So thank you so much for this question. I know it's a tough one. I hope I gave you a bit more to think on as you try to figure out what is the best next step for you.