Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse

Does Narcissism Come and Go? Why Narcissists Seem Better & Then Suddenly Aren't

• Kerry McAvoy, Ph.D. • Season 4 • Episode 233

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Does Narcissism Come and Go? What "Good Periods" With a Narcissist Really Mean 

This week's Fan Mail question comes from a listener in Dubai who writes: "Can narcissism in a person wax and wane? There's been years when my husband was acting like a narcissist, and then there's also been chunks of years where he's been incredibly supportive and uplifting. Can a narcissist change depending on their current situation?" 

In this episode, Dr. Kerry explains why narcissistic behavior can absolutely shift between good and bad periods and what those changes really means.

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Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism.

Disclaimer: This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseli...

Dr. Kerry: [00:00:00] Think of narcissism or narcissistic traits as really as a psychological weakness. It's like a building that doesn't have a strong foundation. So as long as it's not undergoing massive storms and shifts in the soil below it, that makes it unstable. It can function, it can work. There can be periods where things seem to hum along fine.

But if for some reason something becomes stressful or they start to feel challenged, maybe there's a lack of supply, maybe they're not feeling really admired, or work is getting harder and they feel like they're being ignored, you may see them change and move into more of a bad period where they become harsher and more demanding, where the patterns of lack of accountability and responsibilities start to show up.

Thank you so much for trusting me with your questions. I got a fan mail from a listener in Dubai who asks me. I feel sure I married a narcissist yet. Sometimes I'm unsure. [00:01:00] My question is, can narcissism in a person wax and wane? There's been years when my husband was acting like a narcissist, and then there's also been chunks of years where he's been incredibly supportive and uplifting.

My 8-year-old daughter. Was a sadistic, abusive daughter, but after two years of psychotherapy is as if she's cured now, and she seems loving and caring and responsible. So can a narcissist change depending on their current situation? Can they outgrow it or improve at least? So I deeply appreciate the.

Question, 'cause this is something that so many of us wanna know is narcissism changeable? And why does sometimes narcissists seem, seem really wonderful and other times they seem really, really difficult. So I wanna first of all say that I can't diagnose your partner by a letter. Uh, I would have to meet the individual.

But what you can notice, and maybe you can't either, but what you can notice is patterns. What's that? Personality's traits like over a long period of time do you see chronic? [00:02:00] Entitlement, a sense of feeling superior. Is there a lack of accountability? Those types of traits or patterns don't just disappear.

However, people can be selfish, emotionally immature. They can be avoidant or be depressed and addicted or controlling, but that doesn't make them a narcissist. It just means they have difficulties. So notice the patterns because behavior can change, but underlying patterns often don't. So can a narcissist or somebody with a lot of narcissistic traits have good periods and bad periods?

Can their behavior wax and wane? Yes, it can. It kind of can depend on how stable their life is and how well things are working, whether or not they're feeling stressed or not. So think of narcissism or narcissistic traits is really as a psychological weakness. It's like. A building that doesn't have a strong foundation.

So as long as it's not undergoing massive storms and [00:03:00] shifts in the soil below it, that makes it unstable. It can function, it can work. There can be periods where things seem to hum along fine, but if for some reason something becomes stressful or they start to feel challenged, maybe there's a lack of supply, maybe they're not feeling really admired or work is getting harder.

Feel like they're being ignored. You may see them change and move into more of a bad period where they become harsher and more demanding, where the patterns of lack of accountability and responsibility start to show up. So things can change because of life circumstances. So here's a thing though. Does an improved stretch of behavior mean that that person's getting better?

It could mean that, but it also may mean just. That the conditions are stable, that the conditions are conducive to making that person feel like they can be, show or be their best selves. So often the thing that we get tricked on is, does good periods mean that things are getting better? That's what I [00:04:00] wanted to know when I was in that relationship.

I saw periods where, or periods, yeah, short periods. They were never very long, but I saw short periods that where we're getting along great and things seemed to go well. But what I failed to ask myself was, was there genuine accountability? Did this person show sustained empathy? Did they do the hard work of repairing a damaged relationship after a bad moment?

Do they respect my boundaries that they didn't like? And can they hear the word no without retaliating in some way? So you really wanna look for. Somebody who shows maturity, good coping skills, uh, ability to react well to stressful situations rather than a rigid kind of narcissistic structure, which is more this immaturity, um, difficulty creating or dealing with difficult moments where they're very reactive and they tend to be highly impulsive.

So look for accountability and repair, not for just a shift in mood. But can [00:05:00] narcissist or those with high narcissistic traits improve with therapy? Yeah, sometimes long-term therapy does actually help them in specific conditions they can, if they engage in it in an honest, reflective way, and they really take accountability and they see that their consequences are real and they're very, very motivated.

You can see somebody make some improvement. But what doesn't predict a good outcome is somebody who doesn't make apologies or they just make apologies, but they don't change. Or you see somebody who's really charming after they've been caught or after you've blown up at 'em, or they make promises after a crisis.

But the promises fizzle out because real change takes consistency, humility, and a real effort to make repair. It takes motivation even under stress. Now, let me address the part about your daughter who seemed to be better after having a bad stretch. Children aren't diagnosed as narcissists in the same way adults are because a [00:06:00] child's personality is still being formed all the way up into the mid to late twenties.

So we often can see periods where our kids can show alarming behavior for lots of reasons. Maybe it's because of some kind of trauma they've experienced. Maybe it's a neurological or neurodevelopmental issue that they're struggling with. Maybe there's some form of attachment. Disruptions or uh, uh, breaches.

Maybe they're struggling with anxiety or having some impulse control problems. Maybe there's the family's undergoing stress, but the fact that therapy helped her and that she grew into a more empathic person isn't an unusual developmental story. That actually is not uncommon for that to happen because of the neuroplasticity of children's minds and personalities, they can shift as life.

Changes and they develop new coping strategies. So I love the fact that your daughter is doing so well these days. That's awesome. 'cause children have the benefit of a lot of opportunity for neurological changes, whereas once a person's, uh, adult [00:07:00] personality is set, those patterns are harder to change or shift.

So when we get curious about someone or like are they getting better? After showing a lot of narcissistic traits, I want you to ask yourself some questions. Is this person showing respect to you? Are they curious and reflective even after being uncomfortable or feeling humiliated or ashamed? Do they take ownership and make real efforts at repairing the damage after conflict?

And do they consistently follow through with what they say they're going to do? Or are you seeing a lot of VO where they're denying attacking you and taking the victim position? Do they punish you by withdrawing or reacting in rage? Do they make issues all about how you set it in your tone? And do they ignore the content of what you're trying to express?

Do they accuse you of being too sensitive? Do they change for just a week or two and then go back to the way that it was? Because the way to know if somebody's getting better is to watch. How accountable they [00:08:00] are over time. That's the most clearest diagnostic signal that you have someone that's really putting in the work.

So thank you so much for this question. It was really a fascinating one. I deeply appreciate the share and if you'd like me to answer your question on air. Please send me an email at clients at Kerry McAvoy PhD at CIEN ts, at Kerry McAvoy PhD or use the link below in the show notes to send into into your question.

I would love to answer it on air because I deeply appreciate the trust that you show me with these really sensitive topics.

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