Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse
Confused by your relationship? Do you catch yourself second-guessing, walking on eggshells, or feeling emotionally drained? Whether you’re still in the chaos or trying to rebuild after leaving, this podcast is your lifeline.
Join retired psychologist Dr. Kerry McAvoy as she exposes the hidden dynamics of toxic relationships. You’ll learn how destructive personalities operate, the manipulative tactics they use, and the stages of abuse—plus the practical steps to heal and reclaim your life.
If you’re ready to break free, rebuild your self-worth, and find lasting emotional freedom, hit play and start your recovery journey today.
Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse
Why Narcissists Follow You When You Move Away—And How to Create Distance That Actually Works
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My narcissistic brother is relocating to town after I moved away to escape him—why is he doing this?
In this episode, Dr. Kerry explains why narcissists will often close the gap when there’s physical distance. How do you gain psychological distance when you can't move away? She also offers helpful strategies for creating boundaries when distance fails.
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Resources
- ReclaimYou: Dr. Kerry's AI-powered coaching app
- The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources
- First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course
- Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support
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Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism.
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This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis, please call 911 or your local emergency number.
When Narcissists Follow You
Kerry: [00:00:00] How do you create distance when the physical distance is being closed? Could this whole thing be a charade to upset my peace, or could this actually be true and a factional professional opportunity that he's encountered? Could she just be paranoid or either something about this that's threatening?
I recently got a letter from someone who had listened to the podcast interview with Agatha Peters about cultural differences in the way that family and culture can sometimes isolate us in an abusive relationship. And then the listener goes on to describe that she has a brother, a narcissist, who has been psychologically abusing her for years.
And that she's used distance by living farther away from the family as a way to put boundaries in place to protect herself. Recently though he has claimed he wants to move to the same city where she resides, and he's so excited to be close to her and her [00:01:00] family. And her question is, is that, you know, she's been in low contact for a long time and that she feels that he's closing the distance gap as a way to re.
Institute himself in the place of position of power and control. Again, now she's feeling extremely threatened. She says, I feel my physical and emotional sense of safety is extremely threatened, especially as a young mom and an immigrant in a foreign country that used to be my safe haven before. He is threatened to move closer and that she's really concerned that maybe what.
You know, she's wondering what is his motive? She's asking, could this whole thing be a charade to upset my peace, or could this actually be true in a factional professional opportunity that he's encountered? So she's done some research into his new offering that's bringing him closer to her, and it appears true.
But she's wondering why is he moving closer? Could she just be paranoid? Or is this, actually, there's something about this that's threatening. So I really want to, first of all, [00:02:00] thank you so much for the trust asking me this question, and I would like to dig into this because there's several big pieces to this that this listener is discussing.
First, she's talking about how smear campaigns and scapegoating Austin gets set up. That is really not based upon the individual, it's based upon the system's need. To find sort of a, a safety valve. They use, they kind of, they identify somebody as the problem and then uses the control or the, this, you know, the negativity as a safety valve to provide relief.
Now what kind of relief it may be in her case, her brother's using his connection, his power, and his his authority as a way to exercise control, which then regulates him and makes him feel better. In other cases, it may be having you identified as the scapegoat. It makes you the identified patient. It, it helps the family or the person excuse what's uncomfortable or off or sick in their life.
[00:03:00] They use you as sort of the person that. Gets projected on you become the problem. You become the dysfunctional one. You are the one that's odd, not something that's happening inside of them. And what often people do when they're in dysfunctional families like this and this happening to them is they, they create distance.
You know, there's different types of distance. There's the practical distance of moving away, but we also can create distance psychologically. It's harder to do the psychological distance though. Physical distance is easy. If I'm just outta sight, maybe I'm outta mind as well and, and it also provides a convenient escape.
I don't really have to show up. If I'm far away, then I can use ex the excuse. It's expensive or that doesn't work out with my family. But unfortunately with people who will love control or like to be enmeshed. They often will find ways to close that gap, which is what's happening in this case with her brother.
Now taking an occupation or opportunity close by then puts him back into [00:04:00] proximity to her. So now she's in the dilemma. How do you create distance when the physical distance is being closed? And you could do it through psychological distance. You could begin to keep your private life private. You. Do less sharing.
For example, don't provide updates about your schedule or what your daycare routines are or your family routines are. When you've been put on the spots, it's sort of a why were you not there? Or Can you come over? Or, you know, all sorts of intrusive questions about holidays and family get-togethers. You don't need to provide an explanation.
Your we're not available is good enough. In other words, use obscurity. Use vagueness as a way to create a detached. Non-emotional distance that you used to use the physical distance to do. You also can do things like discourage drop-ins or make it more difficult to drop in by like having better lock system or you don't share [00:05:00] your home address.
Beyond what's actually necessary. Make sure you do things around your child that also is protecting them. Like don't share where they're going to daycare or to school. Don't provide photos that might indicate where this child is or what your routine is. You know, these things we can do to kind of, again, creates psychological distance that makes it harder.
And if someone. Breaches those boundaries like showing up uninvited somewhere, you don't need to open the door. And if they threaten you, you can just walk away and not find that intimidating, you know, because they often like to use triangulation, like having maybe somebody else call on their behalf to ask what's wrong with you?
Or why are you creating distance and why are you not responding? So there's ways in which we can just, in a way kind of play. We just play difficult. You know, not easy to get. Find ways for you to create space between you and the other person. I know this is really hard because most of us who are in these relationships are naturally agreeable people, or we have [00:06:00] a lot of ethics and we don't like to be disagreeable.
But you being a bland blank canvas is a great way for you to too. Create less supply for these types of individuals. It really helps you to create distance by just being less accessible. I know this is not easy. Uh, obviously the easier answer is just that maybe you could move away again, but that's not a solution that we can perpetually do.
We'll end up kind of racing around the, the world if we're not careful. So. Sometimes we have to find ways to be able to stand our ground on our own turf by learning to just be less forthcoming. So remember, Jade, I want you to, when you're feeling kind of put in a spot that's uncomfortable, you don't need to justify why you're doing what you're doing.
Certainly don't attack them, but you also don't need to defend your reasonings, whatever that is, and you certainly don't owe anybody an explanation why you do what you do is your business and nobody else's. So thank you so much [00:07:00] for this really great question. My heart goes out to you. I, I'm so appreciative of you being a podcast listener.
I hope this helps a little bit as you face this new situation that, uh, maybe your boundaries instead of being distanced can be just your detachment and separation. So if you have a question you'd like me to answer on air, please email it at clients@kerrymcavoyphd.com. That's C-L-I-E-N-T s@kerrymcavoyphd.com or use the link that I provide in the show notes.
And thank you once again for the trust that you guys show me by sending these questions to me. I deeply appreciate it.
