How to Help a Friend Who Can't Walk Away from a Narcissistic Relationship

My best friend divorced her narcissistic ex two months ago — but she keeps talking to him, then ignoring him, then reaching out again. She says she wants to move on, but she can't seem to break the cycle. 

In this episode, Dr. Kerry explains why leaving a narcissist doesn't automatically break the trauma bond — and what's really driving the painful push-pull your friend can't escape. Learn how to support someone you love through this without shaming, lecturing, or pushing them further away.

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If you'd like Dr. Kerry to answer your question on air, email it to clients@kerrymcavoyphd.com or use the link in the show notes.

Resources

• ReclaimYou: Dr. Kerry's AI-powered coaching app
• The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources
• First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course
• Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support

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Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. 

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This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis, please call 911 or your local emergency number.

Transcript

The Power of Trauma Bonds and False Hope

Dr. Kerry 0:00

One of the things that really keeps you stuck in this relationship is not only the false hope, but it's also the euphoric recall. What we don't understand as outsiders is how powerful that trauma bond is, how deeply connected people are to people who are toxic or narcissistic. There's also lots of intermittent reinforcement. Narcissists and other emotionally immature people are really good at tugging our heartstrings and keeping us emotionally attached. So we continue to feel, despite leaving this person and maybe even divorcing them, this push-pull that keeps us emotionally trapped in the relationship. I got a letter recently from a listener who writes, How do I help my best friend who won't move on from her narcissistic ex? She claims she wants to move on, but then she talks to him. They've been divorced for two months and they have kids, but since I've been here before they split, I'm wondering why she won't move on. This is a common problem that happens in these relationships. What we don't understand as outsiders is how powerful that trauma bond is, how deeply connected people are to people who are toxic or narcissistic. That when we exit these relationships, we often haven't really ended them in our mind and our heart. And that we often really feel emotionally connected because these relationships are emotionally addictive. There's also lots of intermittent reinforcement. Narcissists and other emotionally immature people are really good at tugging our heartstrings and keeping us emotionally attached. So we continue to feel, despite leaving this person and maybe even divorcing them, this push-pull that keeps us emotionally trapped in the relationship. So she probably, your friend, is struggling to move on because she's still hoping this person's going to change. Because when she loses contact with him, or maybe if it's somebody who's a man who's left a woman, they still feel that tug of withdrawal when they don't hear from them. And then they have shared history and shared kids. And one of the things that really keeps you stuck in this relationship is not only the false hope, but it's also the euphoric recall that when you're away from them and you start to feel that longing, you remember all the good times and you forget all the bad times. And unfortunately, when you get out of these relationships, you have so centered yourself around this individual that you now feel this massive loss that was in a way, despite the fact it was destructive, it was organizing. They consumed your time, your attention. You were all caught up in trying to keep the conflict low, keeping the peace, pulling them out of chaos. And now that it's over, you end up feeling lost. And when you're in that relationship, without you realizing it, you lost more and more of yourself and you don't really know strongly who you are when you're not with them. So the pull to go back, to have contact is incredibly strong. I struggled with it for months. I can completely relate to why your friend is struggling to move on. But here's what you can do that's really helpful. Stay supportive and understanding. You may not know what this feels like, but now that you've asked this question because your heart is so tender towards your friend, now you have a little bit better insight to what they may be struggling with. Try to be careful to avoid shaming or lecturing. You might, when you have a moment, reflect the patterns you're seeing really gently. You might say, for example, hey, I've noticed that when you haven't heard from him in a while, that you start to like reach out. Can you talk about what might be going on or how that's hard for you? Or maybe you'll notice that, you know, I notice that he tends to come in and circle in with some kind of a sob story, and that really pulls you back to caretaking. Can you share what that feels like to hear that story and what kind of fears or concerns that erases for you? You might gently try to encourage healthier boundaries, but realize that this is something that you can enforce and that until your friend's ready, she's not going to either. I understand that it's easy as a friend to burn out because you become your best friend's emotional processing center. It's hard to sit in that position of feeling helpless and yet knowing that you want to rescue them from something that's really awful. So try to do the best that you can. Listen without becoming a referee, avoid attacking the ex constantly because it's only going to be backfire and she's going to become defensive and protective of him. But focus instead on your friend's well-being. You might even want to say something like, you know, I care about you. And I notice every time that you reconnect with him, you seem really hurt afterwards. And of course, we all understand how kids complicate the situation because that makes contact unavoidable. Because she has to, at some level, have co-parenting communication, which often becomes emotional entanglement. But eventually your friend's going to get the clarity that she needs. And it won't be because someone's convinced her, but rather because somebody supported her. Thank you so much for this really wonderful question. I deeply appreciate it. There have been two other questions that popped up that I want to kind of bundle in on this that I think was really great. Somebody asked, is there a location someone can come see me? I'm not quite for sure how to interpret this. I don't know whether they're asking, do I do, do I provide in-person therapy or in-person coaching sessions, or whether they're wanting to know if I'm going to host another retreat. I'm iffy on the retreat. Maybe someday I will launch that if the right situations kind of align. You know, that's something you can certainly watch out for. Yeah, I have done meetups before, once in a while. I think about it if I'm traveling to a new area, but I don't these days provide one-on-one coaching. But I do appreciate the interest. If you're looking for support, there are several different ways that you can find it. One is, of course, this podcast, which the subsequent Substack that's attached to it. I don't know if how many of you are aware that I have a massive newsletter that goes out every Monday with lots of free educational advice, but also a paid portion as well. That's where the podcast extra actually sits. But I also have Reclaim You, which is a one-on-one AI-powered coaching app where you get my support. There's also the Toxic Free Relationship Club, which is a really great way to get live group support from me, as well as I have other books and resources. But thank you so much for asking. And let me know if you would be interested in in-person retreat and what you'd like it to be about if I was to host that again. I have hosted them in the past, but I want to make sure that's something that people really need because it's costly and that in itself makes it inhibitive for a lot of people. And I and I don't want to offer something that's out of reach for most people. And another question that came up that's kind of similar to the first is somebody wanted to know if they bought something like a course or uh join the toxic free relationship club. They wondered what would show up on the credit card statement. What would show up? It says kerrymcavoyphd.com. That's what it says. Now I understand that if you have a really savvy ex-partner who's toxic or a partner that you're trying to break free from, they could Google me and find out what my content is. So I'm aware that that's a touchy topic. I struggle with becoming more obscure because then people often say, Well, I don't know what this charge is. And then they often will then dispute it because it seems weird as a weird name. So I'm aware that this is sensitive and that you're trying to cover your tracks when you have a controlling or coercive partner, when you're in the middle of a divorce, or there's a lot of ongoing scrutiny in your life. And I understand the risk. You are able in some platforms to use other methods like PayPal and maybe even to get a personal credit card to be able to hide your trails so that your partner doesn't know what you're charging. But I do understand and respect the struggles that a lot of you are in. And I do make sure to uphold to the degree that I can all your confidentiality and try to keep things as discreet and secure as possible. So thank you so much for these great questions. And if you'd like me to answer your top question on air, please send an email to clients@kerrymcavoyphd.com. That's C L I E N T S at kerrymcavoyphd.com. Or use the link that I've included in the show notes where you can actually just fill out a form and send it that way. But thank you so much for your trust. I deeply appreciate the privilege it is to be able to address these questions on air.