Why Narcissists Always Make Their Victims Look Unhinged

Why does the person who calls out a narcissist end up looking like the unhinged one? 

A Facebook follower writes in, "Why does the person recognizing and confronting the narcissistic behavior often appear unhinged to everyone else?" In this episode, Dr. Kerry explains why narcissists always appear calm and credible while their victims come across as unstable. 

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Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. 

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Transcript

Dr. Kerry McAvoy 0:00

Narcissists are the individuals doing the harm, and they often are not only doing the harm, but they're also controlling the narrative. That they in their mind has created a story that makes what's happened make sense to them. Narcissistic systems tend to protect themselves. The families and workplaces organize around keeping the peace, not the truth. And so they'll often shut victims down because it's disrupting the system, and the system doesn't want the chaos, doesn't want the confrontation or the conflict. Often, some narcissist and emotionally immature people will be highly provocative. Why is the person calling out the narcissist almost always end up looking like the crazy one? A viewer recently posted a comment to one of my videos and asked, why does a person recognizing confronting the narcissistic behavior often appear unhinged to everyone else? Man, I can really relate to this. Isn't it amazing how very good narcissists and other emotionally mature people are at switching the tables and controlling the narratives? You know, unfortunately, in these situations, often the injured one is the one who's all dysregulated. They're upset, they're the one that has been injured, and as a result, they have all sorts of emotional stake in the situation. And as a result, they end up feeling really injured by what's happened. And because of that, they seem very stirred up. But unfortunately, narcissists are the individuals doing the harm, and they often are not only doing the harm, but they're also controlling the narrative that they, in their mind, has created a story that makes what's happened make sense to them. So they feel justified in their behavior, and in that justification comes confidence. Yes, it's not built on something real, but they believe in this fallacy that they've created, and because of that, they often come out with their full chest. So because of that, they're very good at regulating their emotions because they're justified, because they're they're entitled, because it's true, and they're they're feeling morally superior about their story. And as a result, that makes them appear calm and reasonable and even wounded, like they're the victim. The word they're the one that's been misunderstood, while uh the victim who's really upset and hurt comes off as angry and frustrated and desperate to be heard. So often people who listen to the story, they mistaken the emotional intensity for instability. There's another problem as well, and that is that narcissistic systems tend to protect themselves. The families and workplaces organize around keeping the peace, not the truth. And so they'll often shut victims down because it's disrupting the system, and the system doesn't want the chaos, doesn't want the confrontation or the conflict. And so they end up dismissing victims and pathologizing the person for speaking up and isolating them instead of looking at the predatory or exploitative behavior and calling that out. I've seen that a lot in family systems. I've experienced it myself, that there will be something catastrophic that will happen. And instead of looking at the bully or the person doing the harm and calling them out for their behavior, they'll end up attacking, piling on, and even scapegoating the victim for daring speaking the truth, for somehow upsetting the piece for bringing up what's happened. It's sort of like the emperor is wearing no clothes. Family systems tend to be the majority of the group of people who sees the person not wearing clothes, but would rather just not shake things up. So they end up keeping the silence. And then when somebody does speak up, they're so uncomfortable, they'll end up shutting up the one who speaks up. There's another dynamic, and that is often some narcissist and emotionally immature people will be highly provocative. They'll provoke you, sort of like that water drip torture where they just keep poking and poking, deliberately being provocative. And they're doing that in order to get you emotionally react. In fact, have you ever noticed how the camera often comes out the minute that you explode? And again, when we do this, what most people see is they see the person's explosion. They don't see all the poking and prodding, the maybe even it's some of it is dog whistling, where there has been hidden code words or veiled situations referenced as a way to deliberately make the person who's hearing it feel shaky and insecure. Because the two of them know the history. They know what it really is being referenced, but to the outsider, the conversation seems innocuous. They don't realize that this is really actually a high-stake conversation that's happened at a subtext level, not out in the open. And so the one that reacts often look like they're the problem because they're so emotionally jacked up over a seemingly innocent or calm conversation. And the other thing that happens in those that are around people who are being abused is that it's really hard to understand how narcissistic abuse happens. We don't understand that this person is coercively controlling, that they're nasty behind closed doors, that they have used intimidation and fear. What they see is somebody who's really good at image management and that this person seems very confident and often has a lot of leadership qualities. They don't realize that this person actually in private is a tyrant and is somebody who's actually very scary. And so the bystanders who see this often think, that doesn't make sense. Why is this person reacting so intensely? This is a person who seems so together and seems to have be the nicest person ever. Why would they do that? I know that my ex actually carefully curated to his family and to the world that he was a great businessman who just had a wonderful head on his shoulder, who had a really great front and that people like to like him. And so if they saw me reacting, they would end up thinking I'm the one that has something wrong because he seems so believable. He seems such the leader. Why am I doing what I'm doing? So it's really hard for us to accept as the outsider that somebody that can act so publicly great can be privately horrible. And then sometimes there is a scapegoat dynamic that happens in some narcissistic families in which they designate somebody as the problem person. This person is sort of, they may have not done anything at all. Maybe they're just simply a person who is a little different or tends to tell the truth or tends not to be buy in to the narrative as well. And what happens is that the whole family then just sort of like the other way that I explained it, the whole system will pile on and blame them and point them out for being the problem instead of really identifying the true dynamic that's being submerged and hidden. So it's really uncomfortable when you're somebody who's been in one of these dynamics because you know that you're telling the truth, you know what you went through, and you know that if you were to recount all the little sort of, like I said, water drip moments that wore you down, exhausted you, that was abusive to you, controlled you, that other people would feel exactly the same. But it's really hard. And and that when you start to name the dysfunction in the system, you end up often feeling like you look like the unhinged one, the crazy one, when really what all you're doing is you're destabilizing the illusion that this is a good person. So thank you so much for this wonderful question that you posted on a comment. I'm really thankful that I've gotten to answer it on air. And if you'd like me to answer your question, maybe you've posted it as a comment, maybe you'd like to send it to me, but please, I'd love the privilege to be able to address these dynamics because they're so important to understand. And I want to hear where you're at. So if you have something like this, make sure if you post it as a comment, it says please answer this as fan mail, or you can email it to me at clients @kerrymcavoyphd.com. That's C L I E N T S at KerryMcAvoyPh d.com. Or of course, there's always the link in the show notes that you can use. So thank you once again. This was a fabulous question.