Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse

Is Your Partner Hiding Money? How Narcissists Use Finances to Control You

• Kerry McAvoy, Ph.D. • Season 4 • Episode 261

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 6:33

Why does a partner hide money, and is it always a sign of financial abuse? 

A viewer from the US writes in, "He is very good at hiding money using apps and credit cards. How do I find out what he's hiding?" 

In this episode, Dr. Kerry breaks down the difference between financial secrecy and financial abuse and how to reclaim your power in an unsafe relationship.

Submit Your Question 

If you'd like Dr. Kerry to answer your question on air, email it to clients@kerrymcavoyphd.com or use this link.

Submit your question to be answered on air here!

Resources

Follow Dr. Kerry!

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. 

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis, please call 911 or your local emergency number.

Is Your Partner Hiding Money? How Narcissists Use Finances to Control You

Dr. Kerry: [00:00:00] This is actually quite a common problem that 99% of all narcissistically abused victims are being financially abused. If you don't have access to money, then you don't really have access over taking control of your life. Financial secrecy is when someone's intentionally hiding financial information from their partner.

Someone who's hiding money intentionally in the relationship is indicating that there are serious problems in this relationship.

What do you do when someone is secretly controlling the money in your relationship? A viewer recently wrote me saying her partner is very good at hiding money using things like Cash App, PayPal, apple Wallet, and she's wondering what she can do to uncover what's really going on. This is actually quite a common problem.

In fact, I read a statistic. That 99% of all narcissistically abused victims are being financially abused as well. And it works because financial [00:01:00] abuse is a great way to keep you under control. If you don't have access to money, then you don't really have access over taking control of your life. You're being limited in what you can buy.

Your options of leaving. Dramatically decrease that. Basically the things that give us interaction with the world that give us independence really based upon our economic situation. So when somebody prevents you from having access to it and puts you on an extremely limited. Either limited a budget or no budget at all, then your options of managing your life become extremely restricted.

Now, I wanna differentiate between financial secrecy and financial abuse because they are different, but really have powerful impacts. So financial secrecy is when someone's intentionally hiding financial information from their partner. This might show up as forms of undisclosed bank accounts, secret credit cards, hidden spending.

Maybe using apps like PayPal Cash app and crypto accounts without [00:02:00] disclosure or lying about income, debt or purchases. I once heard of a partner who actually was able to get his company to siphon his money from his payroll stub into two different accounts. So was his other partner when they got ready to leave, didn't know there had been a hidden account, which had more money in it.

The defining element of this is the lack of transparency. It's not always about control. Some people hide money as a way to avoid conflict, maybe because there's shame around their spending habits or shame around a debt that they're carrying. Maybe because they're planning to leave a relationship and they don't want to activate their partner and create a risky situation.

And sometimes it's a way for some people to maintain independence in an unhealthy situation. I've heard people say that if their partners knew how much money there was, that this other person would spend it in a haphazard way, and it was the only way for them to maintain a safe budget, you know, a controllable budget.

But the lack of [00:03:00] transparency though, is still dishonest. It may not be about domination or control, but it isn't completely open and it limits a person's ability to consent, and I would see that as a red flag, a sign that something is going wrong in this relationship, that the couple really needs to slow down and take a closer look at.

Financial abuse, however, is when someone uses money as a tool to control, trap or limit another person's autonomy. It's a form of course of control, and here are some examples of it. You're restricting access to money. You're forcing your partner to have to ask for money or to justify their spending. You are tracking how they spend.

Maybe you're insisting on receipts, you're watching the mileage on their car. You're preventing them from working. Maybe you're sabotaging employment. You might be taking withholding income or forcing debt onto the partner. Maybe it's hiding assets during the divorce or separation. The defining element of this is control over another person's freedom and decision making, because money becomes a way to control [00:04:00] movement, independence, and choices, as well as the ability to leave.

Financial secrecy often appears inside of financial abuse, but they're not actually identical. So maybe someone's secretly saving money to escape an abusive partner. That's financial secrecy, but it's not abuse. Whereas else, maybe someone is secretly hiding money while controlling their partner's access to funds.

That's financial abuse. So the context in this really, really matters. But here's the thing that I wanna shift our focus. The person who wrote this question was wanting to break into acts, to try to understand what was happening, to try to track down the hidden money. Unfortunately, trying to hack or break into somebody's account often leads to escalation of some kind.

It might create increased conflict, raise the risk of danger. It might create legal issues, and instead of actually helping protect that person by finding out what the truth is, they may [00:05:00] actually make the situation way worse. So I would suggest some safer strategies. Consider quietly gathering financial records.

Try to monitor joint accounts to the degree that you can. Maybe you need to speak to a financial advisor or an attorney and certainly always document suspicious activity, and maybe you should consider opening a personal account if that's safe to do, because the issue here isn't the app. The issue that you're actually dealing with is trust and control.

Someone who's hiding money intentionally in the relationship is indicating that there are serious problems in this relationship. So I would urge you to sort of change the focus from what's being hidden and trying to find out what it is, but moving to how to protect yourself in a situation that already is risky and not safe.

So the issue isn't about how to find out where the hidden or controlled money is, but about how to change the power dynamics [00:06:00] so that you have greater access and independence. Thank you so much for these questions. I always deeply appreciate the trust that you show me by asking them. And if you'd like me to answer your question on air, please send it to clients@kerrymcavoyphd.com.

That is client C-L-I-E-N-T-S@kerrymcavoyphd.com, or use this link in the show notes. I would love to answer your question on air, and thank you so much once again for this person who wrote this question. I deeply appreciate the privilege. It is 2:00 AM again, and you're replaying that whole conversation over and you're wondering yourself, was it really that bad?

Or maybe I'm just being dramatic. So you start to draft that, I'm sorry, text again, because the guilt that you're feeling or the confusion you're experiencing is just unbearable. And you know this loop because you've been there before. But I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm Dr. Kerry McAvoy. I'm a retired psychologist and for 25 years I've been helping people untangle [00:07:00] exactly what toxic relationships do to your mind, how they create the confusion, the self-doubt, and that trauma bond that keeps pulling you back in.

Here's the truth. Recovery isn't about getting more information. It's about having the right support in the exact moment you need it. That's why I've created Reclaim You. It's a private, always available coaching app built from my work and my content organized into an extensive library that you can actually use when you're triggered inside it.

You'll get five minute lessons when your brain can't handle a deep dive. Check-ins that meet you exactly where you are. Whether you're feeling strong, shattered or numb boundary scripts that help you say no without overexplaining Grounding tools that work fast when you're activated and progress tracking so you can see proof you're healing even on days when it feels like you're not.

There's no appointments, no waiting, no judgment. Just practical support right when you need it, reclaim you real hope in real time, right in your [00:08:00] pocket. And it's a coaching support, not therapy or emergency care. Learn more studio.com/DrKerry. So start your healing today and reclaim you.

Head Shot

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D.

Host