Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse

When You Finally Leave—Why a Narcissist Becomes a "Monster”

• Kerry McAvoy, Ph.D. • Season 4 • Episode 263

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 8:23

If you're experiencing betrayal trauma after discovering your spouse's secret life, how do you finally leave a long-term narcissistic partner without triggering their rage? 

A listener from the US writes in, "We've been in and out of therapy for 7 years trying to save our marriage. Two months ago I found out he wasn't sober again. I left and I'm now living with my mother. How do I get out without him turning into a monster? I need strength. I need to be done." 

In this episode, Kerry McAvoy, PhD explains why leaving a long-term narcissistic relationship feels nearly impossible. Learn the practical steps to protect yourself legally, financially, and emotionally as you finally walk away for good. 

Submit Your Question 

If you'd like Dr. Kerry to answer your question on air, email it to clients@kerrymcavoyphd.com or use this link.

Submit your question to be answered on air here!

Resources

Follow Dr. Kerry!

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. 

As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases.

This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis, please call 911 or your local emergency number.

Dr. Kerry McAvoy:

How do you leave a narcissistic partner without triggering the monster that's inside them? Unfortunately, when you're in a relationship with a person who is a narcissistic traits or personality type, they experience your walking away as a form of rejection, which is experienced as a narcissistic injury. They're willing to risk mutual mass destruction in these situations. How do you leave a narcissistic partner without triggering the monster that's inside them? A listener wrote in to share that she discovered her husband had a secret sexual addiction seven years ago, and that they spent years in therapy trying to repair the relationship. But recently she's discovered he's hiding a tablet in the attic and has relapsed again, and now she's living with her mother, and now she's asking the painful question of how do I leave him without having him turn into a terrible monster? This is common when you've been in a relationship in which there is a trauma bonding. Because these types of relationships become part of your identity, they actually cement you in the relationship, and so leaving then means you are gonna experience emotional withdrawal, financial fears. There's also identity collapse, and there's a tremendous amount of grief even when. The relationship has been extraordinarily harmful because long marriages create deep psychological and practical entanglements that make leaving incredibly difficult. And on top of it, she has experienced years of therapy. And what that does to people who've been in this type of circle is it creates periodic hope. So what happens often, and I know this because I went through this personally, is you make a discovery. You confront your partner about it because you don't wanna have secrets from them because you don't wanna be like them and have secrets. They express remorse and then there's an attempt of some type of repair. There is a brief period of seemingly improvement that makes you think that things are getting better and that this time, if this person's serious about making the relationship work. And then you discover another relapse and every repair effort makes you reinvest yourself in the relationship emotionally. You become more invested in making it work. It's almost like a sunk cost fallacy. I'm not saying that it's actually that, but there is this reinvestment increases your investment in the relationship. So it makes sense that this person wants to be able to leave peacefully because they wanna do it without conflict. They know this person can be dangerous. They've felt at risk. So they're trying to avoid retaliation. They would like to walk away and preserve their dignity. And of course, of course they wanna also protect the children. But unfortunately, when you're in a relationship with a person who is a narcissistic traits or personality type, they experience your walking away as a form of rejection, which is experienced as a narcissistic injury and narcissistic injuries to these individuals is a form of humiliation, which often then accentuates their rage and their effort to retaliate in some nasty way. They're willing to risk mutual mass destruction in these situations, so we have to get to the place when we think about leaving, that we let go of trying to manage their reaction to our efforts to get to safety. There's another painful layer to this story, and that is that this individual has adult children and adult children have their own experience of that relationship. You know, they have witnessed the dysfunction for years. They may have felt frustrated with you as the supposedly healthier parent who stayed and didn't protect yourself better. They may have felt like that's a form of abandonment of them, and they may even interpret your endurance as a form of weakness because even though you are trying to keep the family intact for your reasons, and you may have really had reasons for why it was difficult to leave, which includes you felt hope, you were worried about how you're gonna survive. There's all this financial entanglement and you're trying to protect the family structure. But for them, they had their own experience, which was radically different, and they may have felt like you didn't do enough to protect them. This makes it even more complicated because you're now also doing something that the children may have an opinion around that may not quite align with you. In this letter, the listener writes that she's so angry that she's done. And often that's what it takes for us to have the necessary energy to break trauma bonds. Often leaving requires enough clarity, and unfortunately, and maybe fortunately, rage often gives us the clarity that we need. So here's some practical advice around this to help you navigate this next part. First, accept that you can't control his reaction. You're not gonna be able to find a way to leave that guarantees your partner not turning into a monster. What you can control though, is your boundaries. What you will put up with and you what you won't, the limits you have, what you're gonna ask for. You have also your legal protections. You also have your emotional clarity, so focus instead on your own readiness. 'cause leaving after 37 years is not just a relationship decision, it's a life restructuring decision. So make sure you get legal consultation, that you really understand your financial situation, get clarity around that, and that you have really good emotional support. I often find in these situations that it's really beneficial to purposefully put yourself in a situation in which you are getting support. And that might be something like joining the Toxic Free Relationship Club or finding free Facebook online groups, or maybe reaching out to those in your area to find the kind of support. I know there's SA anonymous groups, you know, maybe to find a partner group where you can get the support that you need. Strength, though isn't always the anger we need more than the anger in order for us to leave. So often the strength in leaving comes from having the quiet clarity that this is not good. It's harmful to you. It's been destructive to your mental health and to your physicality. It also requires you to really understand what boundaries are, which is not setting limits on him, but instead decisions about, what you will and will not tolerate and what you're gonna do when those moments happen. And just getting to a place where you refuse to return to the cycle of abuse that you've been in. I want you to know that after decades of a relationship like this, leaving isn't just about ending a marriage. It's about reclaiming your life from a system that has shaped you for years. So I really want to champion you. You mentioned in the letter also that you read my book Love You More, and that you were inspired by it. And you know that I've walked a similar path. I have. I have walked a similar path. You can do this. I felt like it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life, but I'll tell you. I don't regret it. Not one single day do I regret the decision I made to get out and to rebuild my life. In fact, I just got done interviewing somebody else who did this same thing in her sixties and started completely over with even a new career, and I did something similar. So if you find yourself in a hopeless position thinking it's too far gone, I can't do it. Know you can. There are women like myself at all ages who've been able to do this, and you can do this too. I wanna, thank so much, the listener for reaching out to me with her story. Thank you also for sharing that she really enjoyed Love You More, and that it was helpful and I just appreciate the bravery she had to allow me to share this on air. And if you'd like me to take more question on air, please email it to me at clients, CLIENTS@kerrymcavoyphd.com or feel free to use the link in the show notes as well. That's a form that you can use to fill out. That also gets your question to me. I would love to be able to answer your biggest issue on air, and thank you once again for the deep trust that I always feel when you guys send me these questions, it really means a lot.

Head Shot

Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D.

Host