The Dark Truth About Growing Up Without a Mother’s Love

A listener from Australia writes in: "l have been jealous of women who are loved unconditionally because being raised by a mother who cannot or does not love you, fully and completely without condition, entangles every aspect of you until many women are seething with anger, confusion, and hate." 

In this episode, Kerry McAvoy, PhD explores why the mother wound - the emotional neglect left by a mother who withheld unconditional love - runs so deep. Whether your mother was narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, or simply unable to love fully, the childhood trauma it creates shapes your identity, your relationships, and your self-worth. 

That jealousy you feel toward women with loving mothers? It may actually be grief in disguise. 

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If you'd like Dr. Kerry to answer your question on air, email it to clients@kerrymcavoyphd.com or use this link.

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Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. 

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This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis, please call 911 or your local emergency number.

Transcript

The Dark Truth About Growing Up Without a Mother’s Love

Kerry: [00:00:00] I'm a woman that was denied something that other people seem to get easily. So it's not just about sadness and grief. It's about identity injury. You end up wondering what's wrong with you. You still wonder what about you made you difficult to love. When a daughter has not been well loved by a mother, she doesn't just lose love, she loses a foundation, and a lot of adult healing is learning to name that loss without turning it into self-hatred.

What happens when you're a daughter who grows up without being fully loved by your mother? A viewer wrote in something really painfully honest. She said that she feels jealous of women who have been loved unconditionally because growing up she had a mom who couldn't love her, and that has affected every part of her life.

I, first of all am really touched by this share. Thank you so [00:01:00] much for this listener writing this. This is something that really resonates very deeply. You know, it's not uncommon when you have experienced deprivation for you to look at other people who seemingly have so much or what you don't. Feel incredible amount of jealousy or envy for what they have when it's a mother's love that impacts you at every level.

You know, being a woman who's not been loved by a mother, you often internalize, I'm not enough. I ask for too much love has to be earned, and that I'm a woman that was denied something that other people seem to get easily. So it's not just about sadness and grief. It's about identity injury. You end up wondering what's wrong with you.

Even though you know, maybe if you look at your parent and you can see the way in which they're damaged or or broken by life and how they're not capable, you still wonder what about you made you difficult to love? So it might be [00:02:00] helpful to understand that if you recognize you're feeling jealousy or envy, that this might be grief in disguise that often it's not just that you're envious of other women, you're really struggling with what you didn't get enough of, that you didn't receive the kind of love and confidence and championship that you should have deserved.

'cause often jealousy is unprocessed grief, and. We recognize that conditional love does distort everybody. A mother's love is very important part of psychologically shaping a woman's sense of self about how she feels about herself and her body, about how she conducts herself or relationships. About her ability to trust other people because she didn't find that initial relationship easily to trust.

It shapes her sense of safety in the world, and it, it can even impact her ability to receive care. So when a mother's love has been inconsistent [00:03:00] or conditional, it does entangle every part of you as a person. So I really appreciate the way she phrased that because that rings so psychologically true.

Often when we get away from these relationships, it leaves us with unprocessed anger, maybe even rage toward the mother, and it may leave us with unprocessed shame towards ourselves. So a lot of daughters walk away and they end up carrying this resentment for their mother. Also shame for needing their mother's love, which can create this enormous emotional inner conflict.

And then when you see other women who get this very type of relationship you've longed for, you may see them do better. You may see them feel soft or more subtle or less desperate for approval, maybe even more entitled to take up space. Maybe you see them. Build more secure relationships with other people and feel that you've been deprived of that same opportunity.

And it is. It's painful [00:04:00] to witness something that you weren't able to get, and it's not because you're bad, but it confronts you with what you've lost. So here's not so much advice, but is encouragement for you to help name the experience accuracy. The goal is not for you to feel bad for feeling jealousy, but realize that maybe this is really a part of your grief process over the type of childhood you've experienced.

The fact that you're still processing an attachment trauma. You have this long for a connection that wasn't realized. There may be unrealized and unresolved rage, and then also unmet dependency needs. So maybe the healing task is not so much to become less needy, but to stop pathologizing the wound and begin to grieve it honestly.

For me, this is what I've had to do. I've had to kind of find moments when I feel that loss, that pain even that envy, and I've learned to come up close to myself as my own mother [00:05:00] who can psychologically, internally give my fragile, childlike self who's hurting a hug and support her. In those moments, I can find that mother in myself.

And I can then really support the part of me that's struggling by allowing her to grieve and hurt while I also then encourage and show compassion to myself. When a daughter has not been well loved by a mother, she doesn't just lose love, she loses a foundation, and a lot of adult healing is learning to name that loss without turning it into self hatred.

Thank you so much for trusting me with this really big question. I deeply appreciate it. And if you would like me to answer your question on air, please send it at clients at CLIENTS@kerrymcavoyphd.com or use the link below the form below to submit your question because I really would love to be able to answer it on air 'cause I see this as you trusting me with something very [00:06:00] sacred.

So thank you for this fabulous question. It's 2:00 AM again, and you're replaying that whole conversation over and you're wondering yourself, was it really that bad? Or maybe I'm just being dramatic. So you start to draft that, I'm sorry, text again, because the guilt that you're feeling or the confusion you're experiencing is just unbearable.

And you know this loop because you've been there before. But I want you to know that you're not alone. I'm Dr. Kerry McAvoy. I'm a retired psychologist and for 25 years I've been helping people untangle exactly what toxic relationships do to your mind, how they create the confusion, the self-doubt, and that trauma bond that keeps pulling you back in.

Here's the truth. Recovery isn't about getting more information. It's about having the right support in the exact moment you need it. That's why I've created Reclaim You. It's a private, always available coaching app built from my work and my content organized into an extensive library that you can actually use when you're [00:07:00] triggered inside it.

You'll get five minute lessons when your brain can't handle a deep dive check-ins that meet you exactly where you are, whether you're feeling strong, shattered or numb boundary scripts that help you. Say no without over explaining grounding tools that work fast when you're activated and progress tracking so you can see proof you're healing even on days when it feels like you're not.

There's no appointments, no waiting, no judgment, just practical support right when you need it. Reclaim you real hope in real time, right in your pocket. And it's a coaching support, not therapy or emergency care. Learn more at https://studio.com/drkerry/. So start your healing today and reclaim you.