Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse
Confused by your relationship? Do you catch yourself second-guessing, walking on eggshells, or feeling emotionally drained? Whether you’re still in the chaos or trying to rebuild after leaving, this podcast is your lifeline.
Join retired psychologist Dr. Kerry McAvoy as she exposes the hidden dynamics of toxic relationships. You’ll learn how destructive personalities operate, the manipulative tactics they use, and the stages of abuse—plus the practical steps to heal and reclaim your life.
If you’re ready to break free, rebuild your self-worth, and find lasting emotional freedom, hit play and start your recovery journey today.
Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse
You Saw the Red Flags and Stayed Anyway. Here’s the Real Reason Why
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Why can you spot every red flag, name every tactic, and still find yourself in another toxic relationship?
A commenter recently wrote that she had been raised by three narcissists, married to one, dated another for five years, recently lost a friendship to one, and a former partner just resurfaced. She wrapped up by saying “the law of averages can't explain it. So what can?”
In this episode, Dr. Kerry unpacks why insight alone never sets survivors free.
Submit Your Question
If you'd like Dr. Kerry to answer your question on air, email it to clients@kerrymcavoyphd.com or use this link.
Submit your question to be answered on air here!
Resources
- ReclaimYou: Dr. Kerry's AI-powered coaching app
- The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources
- First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course
- Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support
Follow Dr. Kerry!
Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D, a retired psychologist & author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism.
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This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice. If you are in crisis, please call 911 or your local emergency number.
Dr. Kerry McAvoy (00:01.13) Most of you, by the time you meet me, most of you, by the time you've met me, tell me you already have a PhD in narcissism because you've read the books, you've watched the videos, you've studied love bombing, you understand gaslighting, you know what Darvow means. You can identify all of this in three seconds flat, you can't still, and yet you still may be stuck in a toxic relationship. Or maybe you just left one after feeling like you took way too much time. maybe you're afraid you're about to meet another one. There's a gap between what you know and what you're still living. And that's what today's episode is going to be about. Because this is not about the fact that you're uninformed. In fact, some of the most insightful people that I've ever encountered are still stuck in a toxic relationship. So either insight's a lie or insight is not doing the whole job that it needs to get out of a toxic relationship. A recent viewer wrote in saying that she, a recent viewer wrote in kind of providing almost a ledger of all her relationships. talked about being in a marriage, how she had a family member who had this issue. Maybe there was a long partnership. And then even someone from her past resurfaced it. And she ended up the comment by doing all the math and wondering, law of averages can't explain this, it? And you know, she's not wrong. She has the data and she understands the fact that there is this history of meeting toxic people. So it's really an evidence of her intellect trying to solve why is this keep happening to her? You know, we wonder, is there that many narcissists or what's happening with me that I'm attracting that type of a person? And yes, and yes, recognition is one of the steps, we need to also interrupt the pattern for it to be more effective. There's another individual who left a recent comment who said, good relationships don't leave us in confusion. The confusion itself is a signal and you know, she's right. That is a rule we need to be paying attention. But unfortunately it doesn't automatically help us to leave when we're feeling confused. Take myself when I've been in relationships. After surviving that first toxic relationship and realizing confusion is a signal, I have been in subsequent toxic relationships and felt confused. Dr. Kerry McAvoy (02:29.664) and yet I was confused over the confusion. I still wondered was the confusion being driven from within me or was the confusion evidence of something was going wrong in the relationship? This is the part that we don't get is that toxic individuals use confusion on purpose and the confusion confuses us to where we don't even know where the confusion's coming from. And we question ourselves first because most of us are types of people where we ask where we because most of us are the type of people who ask ourselves first, what is it that I'm doing wrong, before we start to then look around us and say, what is going wrong around me? You can't just leave because you feel confused. The confusion starts a process of interpreting it so that you then can figure out the source. So unfortunately, yes, confusion is the pattern we should be watching for, but in itself, it's not enough. Another viewer wrote in and said, you know what, whenever the heart's not involved, then we get to see deception really clearly. But the moment the heart's involved, everything looks different. And I want to reframe that. It isn't actually the heart. It's the nervous system. Yes, we love people and we hate to leave people that we love, but really it's our nervous system's inability to code what's dangerous. It misreads familiar as safe. because a lot of us have grown up or experienced chaos and drama. So we don't recognize that that is the danger, not more dangerous behavior. We somehow think dangerous behavior should look spooky and scary, monstrous, and often it doesn't. And so we end up getting confused about the confusion and we don't see that the familiar, and then we end up missing that the film. and that we end up missing that the familiarity of chaos and drama is the evidence that the confusion is being manufactured. Another viewer wrote in and said she left after decades well into her life and that it was probably the best decision she's ever made, but it wasn't the easiest. I want you to hear this. Late insight is not failed insight. We often feel shame for how long it takes us to work through this process. Dr. Kerry McAvoy (04:48.759) But even that becomes a sticking point. It's become something that traps a lot of us because we feel so much shame and we feel like we've had so much spent currency on this individual or on this relationship that we wonder if maybe we should just finish it out because we've been in it for so long. I don't want you to see that as a pattern that you should keep, as part of what keeps you stuck in these relationships. so I hope you take away a few things from this. discussion first, stop asking why you met them. Yes, there are a lot of toxic people in the world, way more than we're comfortable with. But instead start asking about what is the confusion that you're experiencing? What is driving it? What makes, what, what, how is shame causing you to stick around and stay? Because I want you to know that insight alone, expertise alone is not going to save you. And you can be the most insightful person who has studied narcissism your whole life, but it doesn't mean you're not going to still get trapped by a sophisticated enough predator. We need to tease apart what's happening and look at it in an unflinching, honest way in order for us to really break free of these relationships. We need to know that it isn't just even recognize that there's a pattern. We need to be able to dissect what our part is. from the part that's happening to us, to be able to see that we are being confused on purpose, that this is actually the tactic. Yes, narcissistic people, psychopath, yes, narcissistic and psychopath, yes, narcissistic and psychopathic people want us to be blind to the fact that they are the ones creating the confusion. And they will do whatever mechanism they can in order to increase that confusion in order to keep you to, in order to keep, and they will do whatever they have to in order to keep you around because the goal for them is to use you as long as they can. So it isn't about your failures. It isn't about your weaknesses. It isn't about you not understanding enough. It's about that this is a tactic design to keep you in relationships and to keep you confused about the confusion. Dr. Kerry McAvoy (07:14.037) So next time someone tries to harm you by saying this was your fault, that you didn't set enough boundaries, that maybe you just don't know enough about narcissism, I want you to reflect on this. I want you to recall this episode and the things that we talked about today and really reflect on the fact that this is a sophisticated form of manipulation and one that actually has very little to do about you, but yet you recognizing it. and taking the time to get yourself out of it is how you break free. Thank you so much for commenting. Thank you so much for your comments on videos, for writing in. And if you have a question you'd like me to answer on air, please send it to clients, CLIENTS at kerrymcavoyphd.com.
