United States of PTSD
Season One: Mental health concerns are on the rise in the United States. This podcast will look at the influencing factors contributing to the decline of our culture. With the rise of school shootings, political divisiveness, increasing levels of hate, and a chronic war of peoples' rights, we have entered a domestic war that never ends. Our podcast will look at whether this is done by design or is it an abject failure. We will discuss it from a clinical and common-sense perspective. Secondarily we will discuss ways to protect yourself from being further traumatized. Hosted by Matthew Boucher LICSW LCDP (licensed in RI) who has over 20 years of experience working with people who have addictions and trauma with a specialty of pregnant/postpartum women. Co-host Wendy Picard is a Learning and Development consultant with 15 years of experience, lifelong observer of the human condition, and diagnosed with PTSD in 1994.
Season Two: Is joined by Donna Gaudette and Julia Kirkpatrick BSW. Julia is currently working on obtaining her MSW and her LCSW. She is a welcome addition to the podcast.
Season Three: Cora Lee Kennedy provided research and worked as a temporary co-host. Dr. Erika Lin-Hendel joins as a co-host for season 3.
United States of PTSD
S3 E:13 When Goodbye Hurts: A Memorial to Hermes and the Grief of Losing a Pet
Pet grief cuts deeper than many realize. When my beloved cat Hermes passed away recently after 16 incredible years together, I found myself grappling with a profound sense of loss that inspired this raw, emotional episode.
The story of Hermes begins in 2009, during a period of personal turmoil when this playful kitten literally ran into my life. Named after the fleet-footed Greek messenger god, Hermes was quick, mischievous, and utterly devoted. He established himself as the alpha cat while remaining incredibly social with humans, winning over everyone with his characteristic headbutts and territorial watchdog-like behavior. Through multiple house moves, the addition of other pets, and inevitable losses along the way, he remained a constant, loving presence.
What makes pet grief uniquely challenging is the unconditional nature of the relationship. Our pets rely on us completely throughout their lives, creating a bond of responsibility and love that deepens with each passing year. When Hermes was diagnosed with probable liver cancer, I faced that impossible decision all pet parents dread - weighing expensive treatments with uncertain outcomes against his declining quality of life. The emotional toll of his final moments, jumping onto my lap after receiving the sedative, highlighted both our profound connection and the heartbreak of letting go.
Our society's "death-defying culture" offers little space for processing pet grief. Companies typically provide minimal bereavement leave for human loss and often nothing for pets, despite their immense importance in our lives. By sharing Hermes' story, I hope to normalize these difficult conversations and remind fellow grieving pet owners that their feelings are valid.
Have you experienced the loss of a beloved pet? What helped you through it? I'd love to hear your stories as we create space for this important conversation about companion animals and the grief that comes with loving them until the end.
Use code USAPTSD15 for 15% off at Querída candle shop, located at 1375 Mineral Spring Avenue in North Providence, Rhode Island. They offer candle making workshops, private parties, sound bowl healings, and more.
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/hartzmann/no-time-to-die
License code: S4CEQWLNQXVZUMU4
Artwork and logo design by Misty Rae.
Special thanks to Joanna Roux for editing help.
Special thanks to the listeners and all the wonderful people who helped listen to and provide feedback on the episode's prerelease.
Please feel free to email Matt topics or suggestions, questions or feedback.
Matt@unitedstatesofPTSD.com
This podcast is not intended to serve as therapeutic advice or to replace any professional treatment. These opinions belong to us and do not reflect any company or agency.
Speaker 2:Hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of the United States of PTSD. Sorry that there's been a little bit of a delay between the last episode and this one. We are having some difficulties with guest speakers right now, as everyone can imagine. With what I'm going to call the new regime taking over, people are a lot more hesitant to speak out right now about particular issues. Because of this concern, we have become more cautious to also help protect our guests. So I want to thank all the listeners and for continuing to be supportive and understanding, and I will certainly keep everybody posted as new developments happened.
Speaker 2:This will be a solo episode for today. This is one that I unexpectedly decided to do. That comes from a very sad place, so I'm going to be doing an episode that's both a memorial episode and a story about pet loss and pet grief. This may be a difficult topic to listen to, but it is one that I think is really underappreciated and needs more attention and discussion in our society in general. As many of you are aware from previous episodes, I lost two of my senior pets in the last two years and over the last past week I said goodbye to my final senior cat. The week prior. I had actually thought a senior ferret I have also was going to follow suit. However, the vet thought she was better off than I anticipated. So there is more time with her. Anticipated so there is more time with her.
Speaker 2:Pet grief is both raw and powerful. I was speaking with Wendy from season one the other day. She also had to humanely euthanize her dog last year and as we talked about it we both started to cry. Even a year later for her, the wound was just as intense as it was then. This led us to talk about why pet grief is so powerful, and I think one of the reasons for this is because pets are part of our family that really love us unconditionally. Sure, sometimes they can give us attitude and they can be a pain in the ass like any other being, but their ability to be there for us when we're happy or sad, or angry or, you know, feeling all the emotions, is incomparable, I think, to any other relationship. And, secondarily, this is a relationship where, as Wendy pointed out when I was talking to her, that they always need us. Even as they get old, they continue to rely on us for survival. On some level they're like children that never grow up. So with that, I want to tell the story of Hermes. I will warn you that I might get emotional on this episode, but I am going to try to record it live. There may be some edits though, because it's still very raw. But again, like I said, I think it's important to do, especially if we're talking about mental health in this country and just mental health in general, for us to be okay with expressing it, even when it's not something we would deem as a happy thing. Here's the story of Hermes.
Speaker 2:In 2009, I bought my first house, and it was a scary and unpredictable time for me. I was ending a long-term relationship that continued to be off and on again for the next few years, and this came with, obviously, lots of turmoil and anxiety and moments where I questioned. What I was doing and I think this is something most people can relate to is living in a place of uncertainty, but, like any other time of darkness, there's always light or moments of light that come out of that. A few days after I moved in, I was looking out my window and I saw this kitten, without a care in the world, jumping up in the air trying to catch gnats or whatever those little bugs are that fly around during, uh, late spring, I don't know, no seems, whatever the hell they're called. And uh, I thought I just I remember watching him while I was doing some dishes and thinking, oh my god, that's so freaking adorable. And being the great pet lover that I am, of course I wanted to go outside and see if I could pet the cat. So I went outside and the cat ran away.
Speaker 2:As you could anticipate, a few days later I was having the internet installed in my house and when the Verizon workman came in, the kitten that was outside ran in with him and I didn't see it. But I remember him saying to me oh, I let your cat in. And I was like what cat? And all of a sudden I see this kitten running around my house. He ran back outside pretty quickly.
Speaker 2:I remember reaching out to my neighbor because, again, I had only been there for a couple weeks, and I said to my neighbor do you guys have a kitten or do you have any idea who that kitten belongs to? And he told me that the people on the other side of him had just recently moved out and they had apparently left the kitten behind, which is awful. He told me that him and his partner were actually trying to catch the kitten. They weren't having any luck. They already had an outdoor cat and that cat was missing an eye and I remember I had asked him about it and he said well, I think the cat got attacked by something outside and I thought well, you know, I'm not really a fan of, uh, outdoor cats, especially in the city with this a high amount of traffic.
Speaker 2:So I was like, well, let's see who can catch the cat first. And then a couple days later I was leaving for work. We had we were having a staff potluck, so I was carrying a crock pot and I opened up the door to leave the house and with my handful the kitten ran in the house and I remember like, oh my God, looking and seeing the cat run down my basement stairs and, like I said, I was on my way to work and I couldn't be late. So I put the crock pot down and I went and I just brought food and water downstairs and I closed off the basement because I had two cats at the time and, for those of you that are pet owners, you know you can't really let a stray cat interact with other cats because of diseases or the potential for disease. So I made that decision that now that he's in my house for a second time, he's not leaving. And uh, it was at that point that I thought the name Hermes would be really fitting, because Hermes is the Greek God, the messenger, god, uh, often related to speed, and this was a cat that had snuck into the house a couple times and was just like so quick and I just said that's it, he's staying. And he acclimated pretty quickly to the house and to the other cats Hecate, which was the cat I lost last year, and Dylan, who, by the way, I did not name, that was the name that came with him he was. They were both rescues my uh and he was an older rescue so I couldn't really change his name. So my friends used to joke that um, hecate would like snuggle up to a, like a criminal that walked in the house. So, um, you know she wasn't really a good judge of character, so to speak. But you know they acclimated pretty quickly and he became the alpha cat of the house and that never ended even up until he passed away. But he was also really social with people and he'd be the first cat to jump on someone's lap and he would do these like headbutts to you know, like asking people for attention, and people just really loved him. So after him came three other cats which all had their own stories and I'm not gonna obviously go into each one of their stories, but there was what was unique about that kind of that um, group of cats was that all six of them would cuddle and snuggle together. And I even have a picture somewhere of me with all six of them napping on me, which I don't know. If you're a cat owner, you you would know that that's not super common. So, uh, the other thing that was weird is they were all about six months to a year apart and, ironically, they almost died in reverse order. And again, I'm not going to go through each one of them, but there was one story that stood out, there was a couple stories that stood out with him that I I want to highlight. And uh, this was he.
Speaker 2:I had two cats from the same litter that were twin male and female cats. They were black and white and I named them artemis and apollo. I'm sure most of you can sense a trend here. And, uh, I was actually homesick from work one day. I was laying on the couch watching TV and I was pretty, pretty kind of down and out with whatever it was, and at the time Apollo was a year old and Hermes would have been, I don't know, maybe three or two, no, probably three at this point, and the two of them were chasing each other around the house and all of a sudden, like right in front of me, the two cats jumped up in the air and kind of did this in-air collision and then fell and Hermes ran away but Apollo just kind of stopped and laid on the ground and I remember there being a delay in my my head and I was like what just happened? Because he wasn't moving. And then I slowly watched him expand, almost like he was stretching and I it was at that moment that I realized he had died and of course I was beside myself. So I had called my ex at the time and he was a dick about many things, but this he was not. He was actually really great about this and I said through tears uh, I think Apollo is dead, but I I didn't want to check. So he came over and he checked and he said through tears, I think Apollo is dead, but I didn't want to check. So he came over and he checked and he said yeah, unfortunately he has passed away.
Speaker 2:And what they think happened was the vet speculated that it was either he broke his neck from falling on it wrong or there was some sort of brain aneurysm. But you know, most people don't do autopsies on pets. So I didn't kind of just went with what they thought it was. So I remember being in shock and I just, you know, I didn't know what to do and he took the cat, he took the body to the vet and that was. That was, you know, I guess a moment in Hermes story and my story that I just wanted to share. But I think the other thing that was interesting was that because he died there, all the other cats had gone up to him and sniffed him and I think for the people who think that animals don't have feelings or awareness, I think they're sadly mistaken because in my opinion those people don't know what they're talking about. But anyway, so that was kind of the first, uh, first loss.
Speaker 2:And hermes, uh. The other great quality he had was man. He thought he was a pit bull sometimes, let me tell you, he thought he was the watchdog of the house. He would almost become feral if he saw a stray cat go by a window and he used to like to sit in the basement window and growl and freak out over any stray cat or neighborhood cat that he saw. And there was one day again I was at work and he must have gotten so agitated that he bust through the screen. Because when I came home, three of the cats were outside in my backyard just lounging around and the screen had been pushed out and I thought, oh my god. So he was always, uh, like I said, a kind of a, like a pit bull, and, um, he, you know about the next 10 years. I mean, it was just he captured everybody's heart that he came into contact with and I have a christmas card of that. I had a picture of him on one time wearing reindeer ears and he just looked like he was oh man, he looked like he was the biggest curmudgeon in the world.
Speaker 2:So, um, and everything was pretty good until I sold my house about 10 years later, and right before I sold the house, I had a contractor working on one of the rooms and the contractor was, I think, not very reliable and had some issues going on and he was not paying attention. And Hermes got out and he was missing for a good three days and, as I had said before, I lived in the city. So at this point I'm convinced, oh my God, he's been out for three days. He's probably dead somewhere. But I found him. He was underneath a shrub in my yard just sitting there. I don't think he moved for three days and that was his last major escape. But that was just his personality and, as you can see, he was aptly named.
Speaker 2:Then, when I moved to my new house, there was a one time where the screen door was open and he got out with more cats, but I did catch them all.
Speaker 2:When I bought my new house, the house actually came with two barn cats that the owners the previous owners had asked me to take care of, and since then a third stray cat has moved under my porch because, as you have not, I'm sure you figured out by now I am the crazy cat man or the cat whisperer, I should say.
Speaker 2:Anyway, so as he got older, obviously he was still very territorial, but he became less, um, less so he would love to sit and, uh, growl at the outdoor cats. But if I ever opened the door, which I did one time, he would love to sit and growl at the outdoor cats. But if I ever opened the door, which I did one time, he would kind of run away from the the cats. And then, um, over the years, once I bought the new house, um, they had started to pass away and last year, as I think I mentioned on the previous episode when I said hecate had passed away, it happened on a Friday. She was really sick so I had a place called Lap of Love come out to the house and they do the euthanasia at the house and that was obviously very rough and he never was the same after that.
Speaker 2:So, I think the you know. The other thing we like to do is pretend that or we tell ourselves that animals don't experience grief. I certainly beg to differ, because he truly did never recover and he started to lose weight over the past year and when I took him to the vet a couple weeks ago, they had diagnosed him with probable liver cancer. The options were, as you can imagine, incredibly expensive and they would have only guaranteed and would not even guarantee, they would have only given the possibility of a little extra time. And this is one of the worst parts about being a pet owner, because it's this cost-benefit analysis that I think is so difficult. One thing that I've learned from this is to have pet insurance on future pets, which actually both my younger, because I only have two cats now. Both of them do have pet insurance. One of them is a therapy cat I would take to the office and the other one is a crazy cat, but they both have pet insurance. So anyway it's. You know this is a, it's a tough thing and you know it's quality of life.
Speaker 2:There was a medication that I could force feed him that I gave him for a good week and they had told me if it was going to work. It would have worked by the end of the week but I saw no change and it was torturous to give it to him. It was clear that it was certainly not making his life any better and he was insatiable for food. But he wasn't actually eating it. He would only lick the gravy from food packets and sometimes I would go through seven, eight packets a day where he would just lick the packet like lick all the gravy and then leave the food and he was dehydrated. So they had given him some sublingual fluids and an IV drip. When I brought him in I made that decision that if he didn't get better by the end of the week that I would set up an appointment for euthanasia.
Speaker 2:And again, it's so difficult because, as a pet owner and I'm sure there's plenty of people out there who are pet owners we struggle with being proactive versus reactive. You know, I looked up a number right before I did the podcast and it said about 85% of people who euthanize pets feel they did it. You know, the best thing for the pet and I think I did in every case. But it's never an easy choice to make and part of the reason why I'm doing this podcast is to normalize this and, like I said earlier, for everybody to understand that it's okay to be sad and it's okay to not be okay and, like I said, with pet grief and loss, it's something we don't handle well. This time, I do have to say I had quite a few people reach out and I had the nicest people in the world send me a care package of food, like comfort food, which was the most, I think, incredible thing I've seen anybody ever do. It 100% brought me to tears. I was like sobbing when I saw that. But anyway, I want to go back to the story for a second. So when you get to the vet for those of you who have never done this, it's really a hard process you get to the vet and, of course, you have to take care of the financial part of it.
Speaker 2:First. There's this thing and it happens with people too where sometimes they get better right before the end, and I've had this happen with multiple pets. He certainly wasn't better. His liver values were incredibly high. The first time I brought him in, they said that he didn't have any showing jaundice, but when they spun his blood it turned yellow showing jaundice. But when they spun his blood. It turned yellow. When I brought him back that day, he they said his skin had started to turn yellow.
Speaker 2:For those of you that don't know the process, it's what they do first is they give a shot that it's like a sedative. Basically, my guess is it's a like a high opiate or something. I'm not sure what it's, what it's made of, but I would guess that. And then what they do after that is they um overdose the animal once the animal's sleeping. And it's fairly quick. Usually it takes less than a minute from. Well, actually, I should say it takes a minute from the second shot, from the first shot. You have as long as you want, but I struggled, I struggled, I um kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing and.
Speaker 2:I think it's not always cut dry. I told you this might be a little emotional. I told you this was going to be hard, but it's important and I think it's relevant to grief, so anyway. So of course I was second-guessing it and looking for validation from the vets. And of course they were great, you know, because they said we can do whatever you think is right, but we think it's either choice is fine, either choice would be like a healthy choice. So you know, you have to think about quality of life, and so I struggled. But the worst part, this is the absolute worst. It's never easy, and I think each animal comes with a unique set of challenges, but in this one, what made it terrible was when they gave him the first shot. He actually jumped off the table and then jumped onto my lap and just laid down, and that was probably one of the hardest things I think I've had in those scenarios. And then shortly after that, it was just a couple minutes later.
Speaker 2:We've talked about this a couple of times. Our country, the US, doesn't handle grief well in general. We live in what's referred to as a death-defying culture, which means we pretend that it doesn't exist and we do everything we can to look younger, act young, act younger, pretend that we're not getting older, pretend that there isn't death looming at some point. And if you think about companies in general, they give about three to five days of bereavement for a loved one, which is absolutely nothing. And if you can imagine how this impacts the loss of pets, because people devalue their relationship, the human connection between people and their companion animals, and dr handel has talked about this on the episode we did with uh vets against genocide. So I think, like I said, I really just wanted to normalize how hard it is and I think this is something that will hopefully touch many people and realize that this is it's a normal, it's a normal part of grief. And, like I said, I really wanted to do this episode to honor the life of the 16 years of life and memories that I had with Hermes. He was a great pet, great companion animal. I was planning on ending this with reading the Rainbow Bridge poem, but I think I would torture myself and I would torture everybody listening to it, because I cannot listen to that or even look at it without becoming an emotional wreck. So, anyway, we're not going to do that.
Speaker 2:I do want to end the commercial break. I'm sorry. I do want to end with a commercial break for a local business owner. Tanisha is this lovely woman I met a few weeks back. I think I mentioned her also in a previous episode. It was a candle making shop.
Speaker 2:She has a store in North Providence on Mineral Spring Avenue, or as we in New England, rhode Island, refer to it as Miserable Spring Avenue because of how bad the traffic is. But she has offered the listeners a discount code which is going to appear on the commercial. But we have. She did amend the discount code to make it easier for people to access and this is both on the in the person, if you go into her store, which is called Kadita, in person, or if you use it on the online store person, or if you use it on the online store, and the code is the USA PTSD all in capital, one word, 15. Again, that's USA PTSD 15, all capital, all one word.
Speaker 2:So thank you again for listening to me, thank you for being part of that process. I hope that this was able to touch other people as well and remember it's normal, it's okay and you know we have to remember to be there for each other and to continue to spread kindness and compassion for everybody out there. So thank you again, and hopefully in the next couple of weeks we will have some guest speakers on board. We do have five or six lined up. We just haven't, like I said, been able to solidify it, and we do have to worry about protecting their safety as well. And with everything going on, so be well everybody, thank you. In a world that moves fast, sometimes we forget to slow down, to take a moment for ourselves, just to breathe.
Speaker 1:At Querida, we believe self-care is not just a luxury, it's a necessity.
Speaker 2:I would like to second that Self-care is vital for all of us and I can tell you I loved my experience at Querida. I love my candle.
Speaker 1:At Querida, every candle is more than just a scent. It's an invitation to pause, to center yourself and reconnect with your inner peace. They're hand poured with love. Our candles are crafted with natural joy wax and infused carefully with selected essential oils. Designed to calm your mind, soothe your soul and spark your creativity. Designed to calm your mind, soothe your soul and spark your creativity.
Speaker 2:I would like to add that when we did the testing, I got all of the candle scents correct, didn't I?
Speaker 1:You sure did. You were really on track, you were like hitting it right on the money, which doesn't always happen, by the way. That's because I'm awesome, we had a great vibe that day. I really enjoyed that class session.
Speaker 2:Which is why everybody should go to your shop. It was amazing.
Speaker 1:Exactly, exactly so we just need to let them know that we're here. Whether you're unwinding after a long day, setting the mood for a peaceful evening or simply enjoying a quiet moment of reflection, cariva candles help you create a sanctuary in your home. But, more importantly, aside from the candles and the candle making experience within itself, the store offers such vibrant energy that one cannot explain. You just got to be there.
Speaker 2:A hundred percent. I agree with you, Tanisha. I can't wait to light mine. It smells amazing. I know we had to let it cure for a little while afterwards, but it's so sparkly and awesome.
Speaker 1:Yes, you have to wait at least a week to make sure that your candle is kind of marinated and it smells good when you light it on its first slit.
Speaker 2:What else do you? What else do you offer there, Can you?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, so at Querida it's it's very multifaceted, so we do offer a candle making workshops every weekend, but also the space you could rent it out for private parties. We have bachelorette parties here, birthday parties. We even do a sip and paint nights, if that's something of interest, and sometimes we do like tarot readings and at the current moment we're offering sound bowl healings.
Speaker 2:So that sound bowl experience by the way, that was the first time I had ever done it before and I have to tell you I was nervous going in, but I really enjoyed it. And something that you pointed out was when I was doing it the TV stopped and the car alarm started going off outside the entire time. So I know I must have been creating something very powerful in that moment. I don't know what it was, but it certainly was something.
Speaker 1:I actually forgot that that happens. I actually do remember the TV pausing and it's almost like the universe was saying Matt, take a second to be still and be in the present moment, because that's all we have.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, I agree.
Speaker 1:I would love to give your listeners a limited time code United States, of PTSD 15, so they can enjoy anything in the store or online.
Speaker 2:And that would be for 15% off.
Speaker 1:Yes, that would be for 15% off for all your customers, your listeners, whoever your audience is.
Speaker 2:That's fantastic. Thank you so much, and I would really encourage people to check out your store, because one it's just a great store. You have amazing energy and we are all about supporting local businesses. So could you just tell everybody where the store is and what the hours are?
Speaker 1:Yes, so we are located on 1375 Minero Spring Avenue in North Providence, rhode Island. And our hours of operation? We're predominantly open on the weekends, from 12 to 9 pm. We're predominantly open on the weekends from 12 to 9 pm. Make sure that you come and visit Querida today, because you deserve to implement some self-love and some self-care into your journey.
Speaker 2:Thank you, everybody One more time. What's the address?
Speaker 1:So it's going to be located at 1375 Mineral Spring Avenue in North Providence.
Speaker 2:And the code is the United States of PTSD 15. And that you said will work both on your website and in the store. Yes, indeed Awesome. Thank you so much, Janesha.
Speaker 1:It was a pleasure. It was a pleasure. I'll see you next time.
Speaker 2:Okay, Hello everybody, and thank you again for listening. This is just a reminder that no part of this podcast can be duplicated or copied without written consent from either myself or Wendy. Thank you again.
