The Tilted Halo

EP 43: Finding Faith in Modern Society

• Kathleen Panning

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Ever felt torn between your faith and mainstream social beliefs? In this episode, I'm sharing the story of a woman who wrestled with guilt, doubt and the quest for self-acceptance. I'll also share the story of another woman who escaped a harmful cult, her path towards self-forgiveness, and the struggle to remain faithful amidst her traumatic experience. As we wade through these intricate matters, we strive to understand the nature of divine love, judgment, and our journey towards redemption. Join our soul-searching conversation as we navigate these profound aspects of our faith.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Tilded Halo. This is a new podcast and it's for anybody who's a woman in ministry. You might be a pastor like myself, a bishop, a priest, a rabbi, music minister, elder children's minister whatever your title is, you're absolutely in the right place, especially if you're someone who loves your ministry and you're doing it well and you're feeling pressure to sometimes be perfect and deep down inside, you know you're not, and how in the world to deal with that? And, men, you're absolutely welcome here too, because this is about ministry and the same thing can happen to you. So you're all in the right place. Let's get started with the show.

Speaker 1:

There are times where there are people who get into what I would call a conflict of faith, and I'm not talking about between people. These are things that happen inside of us, where there's a conflict inside of us about our faith. And do we believe this? Do we not believe that? Is it right to believe something? Is it not right to believe something? And sometimes that's driven by things we hear other people talk about, and some people say something that calls us to question our faith as to things that we've held to be true or proper, and then find out that somebody else sees it a different way, and so it calls us into a conflict of can we believe this and still be faithful people? And sometimes, I mean one of the issues would be something like abortion, and there are others as well, but that would be one of the issues that. Can we believe in God's love if somebody, especially for a woman? Can we believe in God's love if and that you're a good person if you've gone through an abortion?

Speaker 1:

I had an experience a number of years ago of talking with a woman who had had an abortion and she was really struggling with that. Could she still believe that God loved her because she had had that abortion? Could she believe that she maybe had made the right decision at that point in time for her? And yet there were so many people around her who were condemning the whole notion of abortion, whether or not they knew that she had had one, and she felt condemned by them, even if they didn't know if she had had an abortion. They don't know if they did or not, but she felt condemned and that became a conflict of faith for her. Was she still someone who God loved? Was she still someone who could even be saved, if that's language that you use and that you find important in your relationship with God, and she struggled with that. To you know, what does that mean? Was she a murderer? That's a big question to ask of oneself. Had she really so violated anything and everything that God wanted, that she was now condemned forever?

Speaker 1:

I had a conversation with another woman at one point who had been raised in a kind of a cult that's the best word I can think of for the situation that she described and it was not a very loving kind of cult at all. There were things that she witnessed and experienced. She didn't go into many details, but she witnessed an experience that frightened her and she felt very much condemned for having had been a part of that, even though she did not actively participate in some of those practices that she felt was very practices that she felt were wrong or had been told would condemn her to hell, and it created a conflict within her. Could God still love her? Could she be a person who could be forgiven and find a new life outside of that cult, which is what she wanted, but was that even possible for her?

Speaker 1:

There are people around us who go through these struggles and we don't always know who they are, that have these conflicts of faith that you know. Can I be someone who God loves? Can I understand my faith in a way that I can still be redeemed or even have a possibility of God being a God of love, or is this a God of anger and of judgment and of retribution? And you know always wanting to punish people. You know hellfire and brimstone. I've had people kind of ingest at times saying to me hey, preacher, give them hell Bye. My response has always been that's not my department, that's not my choice or my job to give anybody help. That's a hellfire, damnation. That's not my job. And part of it is because you know telling people they're going to hell doesn't usually turn them to loving God. That's not. You don't create love by telling somebody they're going to be damned if they don't. That's not the relationship that God wants with people. So how do we relate to the people who have these struggles, have these questions? Am I a good person because you fill in the blank? Is that person a good person because I know he or she and fill in the blank? You know there are people who do things that are very hurtful. Yes, they do do those kinds of things and that can create a big conflict of faith for them. But it can also create a conflict of faith for me or my family if it happened to be the victims of those things that people do.

Speaker 1:

I remember hearing a reading, I should say the story of somebody in the Anheuser-Busch family, the Anheuser-Busch's big beer manufacturers, and that there was and I spent a long time since I've read this, so I'm hoping I'm getting this somewhat accurate at least that a member of the family had died somehow and at the hands of somebody else. Could have been a drunk driver, it could have been a murder, you know, I don't remember exactly for sure how the death occurred, but it was something that was not self-inflicted, it was not something that was in any way desired by other members of the family. And there was another. There was a person who was seen as being responsible for the death of this member of the Anheuser-Busch family and that person was in prison. A survivor might have been a brother or a son of this person again, I don't remember the details relates the story of going years with anger towards this person who was deemed legally responsible for the death of their family member, and realizing that the only one really being held back by that anger was himself, but also realizing that it was very painful for him what had happened to this other family member. And it was painful because he knew that if it had not been for the actions of this person who was now in prison, his beloved family member would still be alive, in all likelihood at least. And he tells of the account that at one point he went to the prison to visit this inmate who was there because of the death that he had caused to a member of the Anheuser-Busch family the sibling, son, whatever. Talked about meeting this person and then telling him and seeing this man in prison as a human being for the first time in his life and seeing him not as some horrible, terrible, terrible person but as somebody who had made a mistake and he was there paying for it for many years, maybe the rest of his life. And the member of the Anhazib-Bush family left that prison having forgiven this inmate for what happened and that was the first time he felt free. He had struggled with the anger and the pain and the resentment and that conflict of faith within him about how he felt about this person who had caused the death of his family member and yet, when he was able to forgive not to excuse what happened, but to forgive it freed himself.

Speaker 1:

Now there are many reasons that cause that conflict of faith within us, and sometimes the first step is in forgiving ourselves. I mentioned the woman who came to me and talked about having had an abortion. That was a step for her. I don't know if she was ever able to do that and take that step, but that would have been the first step for her in resolving that conflict of faith. Hearing, yes, that God loved her anyway, that was an important first step too. But then forgiving herself and realizing that the decision she had made at that particular point in her life, when she had that abortion, she made it for certain reasons. They may not have all been the best of reasons, but she made it for reasons that she believed were the best at that time and that God will understand that too.

Speaker 1:

So if you're struggling with a conflict of faith because of some things you've said or done or wished had happened to somebody else, or the feelings you have about someone because of something they've done to someone you love and care about, realize that very first step is in knowing that God still loves you and even when your halo is not on so straight, and that God invites each of us in those moments of conflict of faith, to remember that God's primary purpose is to love us and to bring us into a loving relationship with God's own self. It's not to punish, it's not to condemn, it's not to keep us bound up by mistakes or issues or things that we have done, or to keep us bound up by things that other people have done that have hurt us or hurt our family. That God's first step and our first step in resolving that conflict is bringing that to God and then sharing that and hearing God's love for us. It may also be important to bring that information and that experience to someone you trust. It might be a pastor, priest, rabbi, imam someone you trust to hear you and to receive you with love and compassion, even when you feel like maybe your halo is not just tilted but gone, and believing that there's no possibility of getting a new one. But there's always that possibility with God. So there is no conflict of faith that God can't work with, except the ones that we do not share with God. That's the only ones, and the only reason is that we won't share them and there's no possibility of changing the feelings and was holding us trapped in that conflict until we're willing and ready to share that, as hard as that may sometimes feel, but it's possible, because God wants us to be free to live in loving relationship with God and with other people.

Speaker 1:

So this is the tilted halo saying thank you, and if you're somebody who has is experiencing that kind of a conflict of faith, please reach out. Reach out to someone you trust to hear you in love. If you can't find someone else, reach out to me. The ways here through this that you can find me and to get in touch with me. My website is KathleenAPanningcom. There's ways to get in touch with me through that. So, most of all, just know that God is there for you and with you and wants you to know that too. So until next time this is the tilted halo God's peace and God's blessings to each of you.

Speaker 1:

You have been listening to Tilted Halo with me, kathleen Panning. What did you think about this episode? I'd really like to hear from you. Leave me some comments. Be sure to like, subscribe and share this episode and catch another upcoming episode for more conversation on ministry, life, mindset and a whole lot more. Go to wwwTiltedHaloHealthcom, where I've got a resource guide and other resources waiting for you, and be sure to say hi to me, kathleen Panning, on LinkedIn. See you on the next episode.