The Tilted Halo

EP 59: Finding Your Path When No Map Exists

• Kathleen Panning

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What happens when you're called to blaze a trail with no map to follow? For women in ministry leadership, this isn't just a theoretical question—it's the daily reality of navigating spaces traditionally dominated by men.

I launch this episode of the "Tilted Halo" podcast with a powerful reflection on finding your place when there's no clear roadmap. Drawing from my experience as the only female pastor within a 60-mile radius of her first rural parish, I share the vulnerable story of receiving directions to "turn where the Peterson barn used to be"—a perfect metaphor for the challenges women face when following non-existent guides.

The journey unfolds with raw honesty as I recount conducting my very first funeral service for a stranger, quickly followed by 13 more funerals in just 14 weeks. This baptism by fire reveals how women in pioneering positions often learn through immediate immersion, without the benefit of seeing others who look like them in similar roles.

Though lacking in female predecessors, I reveal the unexpected sources of guidance that sustained me: scripture, supportive community members, fellow faith leaders across traditions, and most importantly, divine grace. My message resonates beyond ministry contexts to any woman creating new pathways in uncharted territory.

Whether your halo feels perfectly balanced or perpetually tilted, this podcast offers companionship and wisdom for the journey ahead. As I'd like to remind you, with gentle assurance, "You do not walk this way alone. God is there, walking the road with you, and so are some of us who've been there before."

Ready to find your way without a roadmap? Subscribe to the Tilted Halo podcast and join a community of women discovering their path in ministry and beyond.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Tilted Halo. This is a new podcast and it's for anybody who's a woman in ministry. You might be a pastor like myself, a bishop, a priest, a rabbi, music minister, elder, children's minister whatever your title is. You're absolutely in the right place, especially if you're someone who loves your ministry and you're doing it well and you're feeling pressure to sometimes be perfect and deep down inside, you know you're not, and how in the world to deal with that? And men, you're absolutely welcome here too, because this is about ministry and the same thing can happen to you. So you're all in the right place. Let's get started with the show. Hello, I'm Pastor Kathleen Panning yes, the Tilted Halo host of this show, and this is a show for women of faith in leadership who know perfectly well that we are not perfect, perfectly well that we are not perfect. So it's for women who are pastors, priests, rabbis, deacons, elders, whatever your title may be. But it's also for you. If you are a woman of faith and leadership in your community, in your business, in a company, wherever you may be, it's for you, wherever you may be. It's for you.

Speaker 1:

And one of the things I talk about in my new book called Tilted Halo, exposing the Truth of Women in Ministry and Untold Stories, which I tell most of in the book, or many of in the book. One of the things in there is about how do we as women and this is specifically for women, so, men, listen in, please, and to learn a little bit more and understand a bit more what some of the women in your life may be going through how do we find our place sometimes, when no one can tell us how to get there? And this has been particularly true for many of us who, as women, over the last 50, 60 years or longer, have stepped into careers and places where women haven't normally been, or at least not in any numbers. And that was true for me becoming a pastor. I became a pastor in a denomination that, when I was growing up, did not allow women to be pastors. Growing up did not allow women to be pastors and in fact, until I started college, that was the policy that women were not allowed to be pastors. By the time I was in high school, women were allowed to serve on the church board and maybe to read lessons, but there are some faith groups and denominations that do not allow women to do that even to this day. So finding our place as a woman of faith in leadership can be difficult. And how do you do that? And sometimes it's very literally finding your place.

Speaker 1:

My first two congregations, a parish of two congregations, were two small rural congregations and the first Sunday I was there, I had not even preached or led worship. I was the congregation said just come and watch how we do things and get to meet us and things like that, which was a wonderful gift that they gave me. And that evening one of those two congregations had their monthly church board meeting, or what they call the church council, and so I was there at that meeting and the phone rang. The meeting was held in the church basement and there was an extension phone from the office which was upstairs near the worship space and there was an extension phone from the office which was upstairs near the worship space and there was an extension of that phone down in the basement. And the phone rang and you know the meeting was going on and I just began to wonder well, why isn't somebody answering the phone? And then I realized oh, they're wanting the pastor to answer the phone. That's me.

Speaker 1:

So I got up and answered the phone and it was a member of the other congregation in this parish saying that a gentleman had passed away, a friend of the congregation had passed away, an older gentleman, and the family. This man was not a member of a congregation and the family knew that that other congregation now had a pastor and they were wondering if I would be willing to do a funeral service for this gentleman. And I said, okay, I had never done a funeral service before. I mean, that was going to be the very first funeral service I did, and it was set for, I think, wednesday of that week. And I realized, you know, I don't know this person, I have no clue who this man was or anything about him, and so I asked to be able to meet with the family the next day and they agreed to that in a time and to meet at this gentleman's house. To meet at this gentleman's house. And then I asked for directions how to get there, and the lady who was on the phone with me, a member of the other congregation, told me well, you got to take this road out of town.

Speaker 1:

The church I was at was in a very small community of about six to 700 people, but you know, there were a couple of roads out of town, I said, yes, I knew where that one was. And then to turn where the Peterson barn used to be, and I stopped and I was thinking, uh, this isn't going to work so well. So I very politely asked I said I don't know where that barn used to be, can you please tell me the name of the street? And the caller was well, we always just call it Peterson Road. She didn't know what might be on the street sign, what name or if there even was a street sign. So with very minimal directions I set out the next day to try and find and figure out where to turn where the Peterson Barn used to be, and I took a guess on turning at a certain point and saw a farm where there were a number of cars by the house and I figured, well, if nothing else, these people can hopefully tell me how to get to this person's house. And it happened to be the right place.

Speaker 1:

But that became kind of a symbol for me, Like how do I figure out what my place is as a woman in ministry when there really weren't other women around to tell me I was the only female pastor of any faith group within at least a 60-mile radius. I had no models of women pastors when I was growing up. I mean, it just wasn't possible. So I was just kind of figuring this whole thing out as I went along, trying to do my best at being a leader, a faith leader, a woman of faith, in those two little congregations. And there were some wonderful experiences along the way. That first funeral that I did became the first of 14 funerals in a period of 14 weeks.

Speaker 1:

That's a very difficult way to start out ministry. Plus there was the season of Lent and Easter to deal with in the midst of that too, and it was, you know, everything I was doing. I was figuring it out all along the way and it was like, okay, what do I do now? How do I do this? How do how does these two congregations normally do this and how does that fit with who I am and what I do with this? How do I deal with each new situation along the way?

Speaker 1:

And we all have to do that. And even when we are in ministry for a number of years, even when we've had other women and people to help show us the way, and maybe even a support group, which thankfully I had some support group experiences not immediately, but at other points in my ministry. But even when we have those people and those things and situations to help us, we're still trying to find their way every step along the way. And how do we do that? We do that by our faith, trusting in the training that we've received, in the faith that we have and, most of all, in the grace of God and learning to say thank you to people who help us along the way, to say, oops, I made a mistake on this one. You know, help me, know what to do differently the next time around. You know each step of the way, each new situation. We have to figure it out. There's no roadmap that describes every possibility in ministry. It just doesn't exist. Or let me put it this way If you have one like that, please let me know and please share it with your sisters and brothers in ministry, because I never saw one, I never experienced one.

Speaker 1:

Yes, there are guideposts along the way. There's scripture that helps us with guideposts along the way, the writings of the Gospels and Paul and the letters all of that helps us along the way. There are members of our faith communities who help us along the way and, yes, they are helpful Many times. Many times, there are other people in our communities, other people we meet in our own faith and people of different faiths, different denominations within Christianity, different faiths, different denominations within Christianity, different faiths altogether who help us see and understand our faith and help it grow and help us understand new depths of ministry.

Speaker 1:

As a pastor, I didn't get to excuse me. As a pastor serving in a parish, I didn't get to hear a lot of other people preach. Now that I'm retired, I get to hear other sermons and it's a wonderful gift because I can hear the same texts I've preached on maybe many times, and somebody else will bring it in from a new angle, see something different there and it's like, oh wow, there's more. There's more, there's different possibilities. So, finding our way yeah, there's no roadmap to ministry. There's guideposts, there are people who walk with us and help us along the way, but most of all, there's God and God's love Walking with us, helping us sometimes cut a path, figuring it out each and every step along the way, and that's the beauty of being in community, that's the beauty of God's grace in ministry. God helps us find the way Even when there's no roadmap, even in those days when things are extremely frustrating or when life gets really difficult and the ministry is tough. And there are days like that and God helps us find a way. There's so many stories that every pastor can share, but most of all it's a story of God's love and God's grace and opening our eyes to the possibilities that God lays before us.

Speaker 1:

In the moment we may not see very far down the road, that's okay, even though sometimes we want to. It's nice to have that higher perch and be able to see the road up ahead. You know that's why some people drive big vehicles, so they can sit up higher and see. But you know that's not always possible and many times in life that's not possible. We don't know what's coming. Sometimes that's a good thing, because it might scare the daylights out of us and have us running the other way, because God's mission and ministry can seem so big and overwhelming at times and as women we don't always have the people who've been there and done that along the way and we have to figure it out and trust that God has given us the knowledge, the wisdom, the community to help us do exactly that and the scriptures and the guides to do exactly that. So even when your halo is tilted and even when it feels like it's about to fall off I've had that experience too it's about to fall off. I've had that experience too.

Speaker 1:

You know, we are still people who, as women, are often charting our own course, charting a road and a course maybe for someone else to follow behind us, but most of all, a course for God's love and God's grace.

Speaker 1:

No matter where we are or what we're doing whether in a faith community, as a professional faith leader, in our own families, in a local community community organization, in a local community community organization, maybe even in a big business or a small one, maybe even in government God is with us to walk and to see and to help us find that way, and that's the good news. We're never alone on the journey. That's how we find the way. So please look for my book, Tilted Halo Exposing the Truth of Women in Ministry and Untold Stories, and there are more stories in the book than what I've shared here and more stories that will someday be shared on one of these podcasts. So please come back for another episode. Share some comments with me.

Speaker 1:

Look for me at my website, kathleenapanningcom, and social media LinkedIn, youtube, facebook, a little bit on Instagram, but look for me and you'll find me in a lot of different places. So until next time, god's peace, god's blessings. And you do not walk this way alone. God is there, walking the road with you, and so are some of us who've been there before, willing to listen and walk the road with you. So reach out. Until next time, peace and blessings. You have been listening to Tilted Halo with me, kathleen Panning. What did you think about this episode? I'd really like to hear from you. Leave me some comments, be sure to like, subscribe and share this episode and catch another upcoming episode. For more conversation on ministry, life, mindset and a whole lot more, go to wwwtiltedhalohelpcom, where I've got a resource guide and other resources waiting for you, and be sure to say hi to me, kathleen Panning, on LinkedIn. See you on the next episode.