Healed or Not: Unraveling the Mysteries of Dating, Emotional Unavailability

Join Morgan and Sydnei on the latest episode of A Letter to My Homegirls, where they dive into the humorous and relatable journey of healing from past relationships. With their signature wit and charm, they explore the ups and downs of dating after experiencing toxic dynamics. Morgan opens up about her own experiences, realizing she has a knack for attracting emotionally unavailable men, and Sydnei offers her insights on continuous healing and growth. With thoughtful reflections and laughter-filled banter, they remind us that our perceived flaws are often misplaced beauty. Tune in for a dose of wisdom and laughter as these homegirls drop mics and leave you wanting more.

Transcript

Morgan Adrine: 0:00

So I said until you learn the lesson, you'll continue to get hit with the same situations. So Sydnei, how

Sydnei Sellers: 0:09

Oh Morg. I am definitely a Cayenne Pepper are you feeling today? today morg

Morgan Adrine: 0:16

cayenne pepper use spicy,

Sydnei Sellers: 0:18

a little spice.

Morgan Adrine: 0:19

I'm on a dull end, I'm a help,

Sydnei Sellers: 0:21

really their problem

Morgan Adrine: 0:24

I'm on the dull end. But it's something I want to talk about today, which essentially relates to healing, healing from traumas, man, I want to talk about healing, before you get into relationships are adding a little context for you on where I'm coming from, and why I brought this up. So it's no secret, I was in a relationship for about four years. And that relationship, I credit the relationship, not the person when I say this, so keep that in mind. But the relationship showed me and taught me a lot good and bad about myself. And I am appreciative for that relationship. Because had I have not experienced certain things. And I had I have not been put into that situation, that relationship, I will not be the person and the woman that I am today. However, me it'll be two years now that I've been single two years in October. And, you know, is, is it's one thing to say that you're ready to date. But it's another thing to actually be ready to date. And as of recently, the last few months, I've found an appreciation for being alone and understood the true meaning behind being alone. Like when I say that I say, not just being alone, physically, like, Oh, you're not with somebody, you're not sitting up around somebody, you're not dating somebody, but to truly be alone, meaning you are mentally, emotionally, spiritually, only focused on God and yourself, but you have no ties to anybody else. I've only felt that I've truly been alone as of recently. So it's interesting to look at where I was a year ago. And you know, yeah, I was, I said, I was ready to date. And I felt like, you know, I was meeting people and I was dating people, obviously, nothing came about any of that. And I'll dive into that a little later. But me realizing how my dating life has been very unsuccessful, caused me to reevaluate my internal life and see what it was about. What about myself was God trying to tell me and he continued to place the same people just in different packaging, in my path to show me essentially what he was trying to tell me about myself. So essentially, my question to you is, how? And I guess I don't necessarily know how to word this, but how do you heal from one relationship before one? How do you heal in general before you get into a relationship? I guess that's what I'm asking.

Sydnei Sellers: 3:11

Well, morg, um, why not always thank you for you, you know, transparency, because the girl's gotta be transparent. For and then, acknowledging growth is not always the easiest thing, because then you have to acknowledge your past. Right? Right, some of the things that you may have accepted. So, cheers today. But I think, honestly, it's, I think, a misconception that healing isn't continual. I think that you never truly, from my experience, reach a point where you're healed. Period, you know, I'm saying, right, because life is so uncertain. I think one of the important things to think about or consider when you are trying to check your temperature, right, and to see whether you're not whether or not you're ready to go back into the dating pool is if you are kind of forecasting some of the traumas that you experienced and past relationships into new and existing experiences. I think that's one way to sort of tell whether or not you're healing, and if this is something that is getting in the way, right. So I think like the idea that, you know, you can be healed enough in point is like, not a thing, I think is continual. And then to just being careful about the other person and what you are looking to date, I think that it's important to acknowledge that you have a you have the front seat in your healing journey with also the people that you commune with also have, you know, responsibilities to

Morgan Adrine: 5:04

right? Because you touched on something I was that too,

Sydnei Sellers: 5:06

Yeah, so interesting, interesting going to ask, because if you say that healing is continuous, then how do I know that I'm healed enough to be dating? And I'm not just out here, just breaking hearts. Because I feel like, and this is something that I struggle with, is because I don't know, I feel like when you come from something, quote, unquote, air quotes, toxic, is very hard to unlearn those toxic toxicity, those toxic traits. And it's hard to do better, like, you know what I mean, because you've gotten so used to yelling or arguing or whatever the dynamic was, that you don't know how to do something that is healthy. So even now, I still find myself, maybe either my thinking or maybe in my like things that come out of my mouth, I still find myself reverting to those old bad habits, that it's essentially like, what am I ready to date? Because, while I'm not I guess while I'm not doing anything that's so damaging to a relationship, but I'm still doing things that aren't healthy. So again, like, Am I ready to date? Or do I still need to I need some more alone time. Like, what? What is this? perspective, I think that, again, important thing, one is

Morgan Adrine: 6:26

and it's crazy, because I was just talking about to acknowledge that you are in this space, right? And when I say healing, and growth is continual, meaning, sometimes we can be removed from a situation and think that we've healed from it until we're back in it. So it's not necessarily feeling like you can control yourself alone. But how can you control yourself when placed in those situations? Right? Are you quick to redirect? Are you quick to correct? Are you quick to apologize? Are you quick to assess, right? Because we aren't perfect people? Right? We're human. So if it's not, the arguing, maybe a relationship could expose something else that you didn't know, you had error in, right? So I think that really acknowledging that growth in yourself, extending yourself grace, because is the thing, and then also being careful about the people that you select in this journey, right? Because that will be something that is helpful to you, right? So you can't you wouldn't want to be with somebody who is also very argumentative. And that's something that you're trying to heal from, right? You want to be with somebody who is more compassionate, consistent in the compassion, acknowledging that you're healing in that way. Right. And I think that that alone will help the healing journey, and it helps you also to see whether or not you're ready for this relationship, because it takes two, right, you know, this with one of my friends. And I was telling her like, again, I've been doing a lot of self reflecting. And I was telling her, you know, my time being, like, truly alone, like not dating, not texting, nothing, just being by myself. It has showed me obviously, things about myself, the good, the bad, the indifferent. And one of those things that it has shown me is that I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Now. It's been very like, and I really had to look at, you know, the people that I've dated, previous relationships, even the people that I have been attracted to, and they all were emotionally unavailable, like they either had so much baggage that they didn't deal with, they then put it on me. And it affected our dynamic, or they didn't know how to communicate their feelings. It was just something about them that made them emotionally unavailable. And I realized that God was trying to show me something about myself. He was trying to show me something internally like and it took for my one friend to say, you like projects, and I was like, what you mean? She was like, exactly what I say you. You like projects you like you like the mystery of somebody? Like you like mystery you like a secret you'd like feeling like you can fix somebody you like me and Bob the Builder. And that's really what she said. And it was like, No, I don't She's like, yes, you do. I'm gonna let you think on that. Because yes, you do. And in my time of reflection on what she said, again, every single guy literally, that I have talked to, has been internally struggle with the same thing. They just been wrapped in a different packaging. One was silver one was go one was rose, like they were just wrapped differently.

Sydnei Sellers: 9:43

So one interesting thing when you were saying I was thinking about is like the idea of flaws. So I'm not really big on like, people being necessarily flawed. Right, right. I think oftentimes the gifts and the things that we have that could seem like a flaw or just misplaced. So what do you mean by flawed? So like something that you would consider not the best part of you Gotcha, right. So this idea that you having the desire to build somebody or fix somebody is a bad thing to do, right? I think it's just a situation and the person that you're in relationship with, that makes this thing seem like a flaw. Like, I think that that's a beautiful part of you, like you need that. To be in a successful relationship. And ultimately, marriage like you want to be with somebody who's nurturing, like that's, you know, part of one of our gifts as a woman. So I think is a bigger emphasis, especially in a healing journey, to identify what relationships with the people that you're in at are contributing to this thing being a flaw, right? And just checking in, like, I think we are also to have the gift of nurture, right? So if I'm dating somebody who is emotionally unavailable, because that's a thing, right? It's draining for me, because I'm continuing to try to pour and fix and solve. But there's also something about me that I love that I'm able to do, right, and a gift that I have. So I think just acknowledging who you're in relationship with is important to that situation for sure.

Morgan Adrine: 11:21

So what would be your ending note to our home girls?

Sydnei Sellers: 11:27

If I had to sign off on this letter, I would say flaws aren't flaws is misplaced beauty.

Morgan Adrine: 11:48

That's good. That's good. And we don't drop the mic on that.