Delco Unfiltered
We’re talking dating after 40, relationships, red flags, green flags, and all the things nobody warns you about when you start over and everything in between.
Delco Unfiltered
Episode 1
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Apparently I’m dating but no one told me the rules
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Hi, welcome to Delco Unfiltered. I'm Cole, and apparently I decided that dating over 40 wasn't already humiliating enough. So now I'm gonna discuss it publicly with a microphone where people can hear me. Fantastic decision making all around. If you're new here, which you are because this is literally the episode one, this podcast is going to be about dating, relationships, men, women, situationships, attachment issues, questionable decisions, unsolicited dick pics, and whatever the hell is happening in my life at any given moment. And yes, the Delco accent is included, free of charge. So I figured for the first episode, instead of pretending I have everything figured out, I should probably tell you what my dating life currently looks like. And the answer is I don't fucking know. There, episode over. No. Seriously? I'm 41, I have two teenage daughters. I own my house. I work two jobs, I have friends, I have hobbies, I go out, I have an actual life. I am not sitting in my bedroom staring out the window waiting for a man to arrive on horseback. Although at this point a horse would demonstrate more consistent transportation than some of the men I've dated. If you dated a guy with a suspended license or you didn't know about it, give me an amen. Amen. So, um, and I'm dating because ultimately I would like a relationship. Like a real one. I'm not looking for somebody to complete me. This isn't Jerry McGuire. You didn't have me at hello. I'm already complete. I would just like somebody who compliments my life. Somebody funny, confident, affectionate, emotionally available. That one, that one right there, family-oriented and consistent. The most important thing, you know, apparently a fucking unicorn. Because every time I think I've located one, somebody from the Discovery Channel needs to come document it. Here in the wild suburbs of Delaware County, the emotionally available male has been spotted making plans more than 24 hours in advance. Notice how he follows through. This is extremely rare behavior. So let's talk about my current dating situation. And by situation, I mean there is one man who has somehow managed to occupy approximately 72% of my dating-related brain cells without actually being my boyfriend. His name for podcast purposes is going to be Dylan. And Dylan and I have been doing whatever this is for months. There are feelings, there is chemistry, there is history, there is attraction, there is jealousy, there is communication. There are conversations about whether either of us is sleeping with other people. There are questions about who I'm out with. There are questions about who I'm eating dinner with. There have been discussions about falling in love. There have been discussions about not falling in love. Which is always something two people with absolutely no feelings say to each other, obviously. Nothing going on here, folks. Move along. And let me explain something about the word situationship because I think we use it so casually now. A situationship is basically a relationship that has all the emotional responsibilities of a relationship, all the jealousy of a relationship, all the sexual expectations of a relationship, and none of the security. It's like buying a house but being only allowed to sleep in the driveway. You're paying emotionally, you're maintaining the property, you're mowing the lawn. But legally, nobody knows who owns a damn thing. And that's where Dylan and I are. We have enough history that it's not casual. We have enough feelings that it's not simple. We have enough chemistry that it's not easy to walk away. But we don't have enough consistency for me to relax. And that's a terrible combination. Because when somebody is completely unavailable, sometimes it's easier to move on. You can look at the situation and say, okay, this person clearly does not want me. But when somebody is available just often enough to keep hope alive, that is where the brain starts doing unpaid over time. Dylan is inconsistent. And when I say inconsistent, I mean this man can make me feel like the most special woman on earth on Tuesday. And then by Saturday, I'm basically conducting a missing person investigation. One minute he's calling me on his way home from work, asking about my day, telling me all these amazing things about myself. The next minute, silence. And I'm sitting here like, did I hallucinate Tuesday? Was that man an AI generated boyfriend? Did Chat GPT call me? What happened? And the worst part is that the good moments are not fake. That's what makes it difficult. And every interaction, if every interaction were terrible, I would be gone. If you're rude all the time, I would be gone. If there were no chemistry, no affection, no connection, no history, I would be gone. But there are moments where I feel completely seen. There are conversations where I think, this is it. This is the person who understands me. And then there are stretches where I'm wondering if I imagine the entire relationship. That emotional whiplash will have you question your own memory. And I'm just going to touch down here just briefly on how people with different attachment styles can clash in this situation. So he's avoidant, and I'm an anxious attachment style. And there's nothing wrong with being avoidant. Avoidant people can be wonderful people. And there's nothing wrong with being an anxious attachment person. We all got our own things going on, but there's definitely a divide and things get lost in translation. So you start thinking, was he really that affectionate? Did he actually say that? Did we really talk for three hours? Did he really tell me he missed me? Yes, he did. Then why is he acting like I'm a promotional email? That is the part that makes situationships so exhausting. You are constantly trying to reconcile two versions of the same person, the person who makes you feel wanted, and the person who makes you feel like you were asking for too much. For a while I chased clarity. I would ask when I was going to see him. I would ask what we are doing. I would ask whether plans were actually happening. And let me tell you something about dating that I've learned the hard way. There's nothing sexier than having to ask a grown man 17 times whether he intends to appear at the plans he suggested. Nothing gets the panties dropping like so. Are you still coming? Romance is alive. Cue the violins. Nothing says I'm emotionally secure, like checking your phone every six minutes to see whether a man has confirmed a plans he made. And then when he finally responds, he says, Yeah, probably. Probably. What am I? A weather system? Am I supposed to prepare you for a 30% chance of you? So eventually I stopped doing that. And interestingly enough, when I backed up, he moved forward. Suddenly he wanted to know what I was doing, who I was with, whether I was dating, whether I had slept with anybody else. Sir, with respect, you cannot put a woman on the free agent market and then be shocked when other teams send scouts. You release me. Check the paperwork. And this is where dating over 40 gets interesting. Because in my 20s, I probably would have looked at chemistry and thought, this must mean something. Now chemistry just means you have chemistry and that's it. It does not mean compatibility, it does not mean consistency, it does not mean emotional availability. It definitely doesn't mean this person knews how to use their fucking calendar. And Dylan and I have incredible chemistry, which is precisely why the situation has lasted as long as it has. Because if he annoyed me this much and I didn't want to climb him like a tray, we would not be having this conversation. Let's be serious. But chemistry can be dangerous when you use it as evidence. You meet somebody and the conversation is effortless. You laugh all night. You have that feeling like you've known each other forever. You're attracted to each other. You have the same sense of humor. You finish each other's sentences, and suddenly your brain says, Congratulations, we have found our future. No. You found somebody you had a good night with. That is all the evidence currently available. You do not know how they handle conflict. You don't know how they communicate when they're stress. You do not know whether they can make a plan. You don't know whether they respect boundaries. You don't know whether they're emotionally available. You know they were charming for four hours. That is not a background check. That is a sample size. And I have made the mistake of turning a sample size into a full biography. I have taken one venerable conversation and decided somebody has death. I've taken one thoughtful gesture and decided somebody is consistent. I have taken one amazing date and started mentally rearranging my schedule for a relationship that does not exist. I am very good at seeing potential. Potential is my toxic little hobby. It's also a tattoo that I have. It's very fitting. You give me three decent qualities and one emotionally vulnerable conversation, and suddenly I'm renovating the entire relationship in my imagination. HG TV presents, fixer upper, emotionally unavailable men. This one has great bones. No, Nicole, it has no plumbing. Get out. But I also know what I actually want. I want someone who chooses me. I want someone who wants to spend time with me. I want a man who says, I want to see you Friday, and then stay with me here because this part is revolutionary. I see him on Friday. Groundbreaking. I want somebody who does not make me feel needy for wanting basic communication. I want someone who understands that consistency is not the same thing as losing your freedom. I'm not asking for a tracking device. I am asking for a relationship. There is a difference. And this is something I've really had to learn about myself. I have an anxious attachment style in relationships. When somebody becomes inconsistent, my nervous system immediately clocks in for overtime. Suddenly I'm analyzing response times, tone, punctuation, Snapchat behavior. Why did he send that picture? Who else got that picture? Why did he ask what I'm doing and then disappear? Why is this man viewing my location like he works for the FBI but cannot communicate an actual plan? And the worst part is I'm self-aware while doing it. I'll literally be sitting here thinking, this is ridiculous, while continuing to do it. It's like watching yourself walk into traffic in slow motion. You know the car is coming. You know you should move. But you're standing there thinking, maybe this car is different. No, it is still a car. Move. And I think a lot of people confuse anxiety with intuition. Sometimes your gut is telling you something is wrong. But sometimes your nervous system is reacting to uncertainty because uncertainty feels familiar. That is a very uncomfortable thing to admit. Because it is easier to say, he is making me anxious, than to ask, why am I continuing to participate in something that repeatedly makes me anxious? That question is not fun. That question does not let you blame the other person completely. And I am not saying the inconsistency is my fault. It is not. If somebody is inconsistent, that is their behavior. But what I do with the information is my responsibility. I can't control whether Dylan calls. I can't control whether he makes plans. I can't control whether he suddenly becomes emotionally available because I explain my feelings on the perfect tone. But I can't control whether I keep putting myself in a position where I am waiting for him to become somebody he has not shown me he is. That is the difference between having feelings and abandoning yourself. I can care about somebody and still admit that the situation is not working for me. The two can exist at the same time. I can understand why somebody behaves the way they do without accepting behavior that hurts me. I can have compassion without volunteering for emotional confusion. That is a lesson I'm still learning, but I'm getting better. Because I've realized something. The goal isn't to become a woman who doesn't care. I care. That's who I am. I'm affectionate, I'm emotional, I like connection. I like talking to somebody regularly, I like knowing where I stand. There's nothing wrong with that. The goal is learning not to abandon myself because somebody else is confused. And that brings us to the other part of my dating life. Because despite everything I just told you, I am technically dating other people. I know. Plot twist. Cue a musical number, just for these few seconds, because I don't know how to put music in yet. Anyway, apparently, while Dylan and I are having an emotionally complicated, limited series, other men are allowed to s to submit applications. There was another guy recently. We'll call him James. James and I had gone out before, then he disappeared. Because apparently disappearing and reappearing is now a legitimate form of courtship. It's like cicadas. Every few months a man from your past emerges from underground. Hey, stranger. No. Go back to where you came from. But when I but I went out with him and we actually had a good time. We laughed, conversation was easy, sort of. There was a little bit of chemistry. He told me he went to see me again. I left thinking, okay, maybe this is what dating is supposed to feel like easy, fun, normal, and then nothing. So apparently we are still workshopping the definition of normal. And this is where dating apps and modern dating can make you feel insane. Because two people will tell you exactly what you want to hear in person. I had a great time, I definitely want to see you again. You're easy to talk to, you're different. And then they disappear before the next available begin. At some point, you have to stop treating words as a promise and start treating behavior as information. If somebody says they want to see you again and does not make an effort to see you again, the answer is not hidden in the punctuation. The answer is in lack of effort. And I know that sounds obvious, but when you like somebody, obvious becomes negotiable. You start creating explanations, scenarios. Maybe he's busy, maybe work is crazy, maybe he's dealing with something, maybe he lost his phone, maybe he was abducted, maybe he is currently trapped beneath the vending machine. And listen, sometimes people really are busy. Sometimes life happens, but people who are interested usually find a way to communicate. They may not be available every minute, they may not be available to make the exact plan you want, but they do not leave you sitting there trying to determine whether you are being patient or being played. That is the difference. And this is the part nobody tells you about dating over 40 or even over 30. Most of us are not walking into dating untouched. Everybody has a history. Divorces, kids, heartbreak, avoidant behavior, anxious behavior, commitment issues, trust issues, an ex who was apparently crazy. By the way, every single man has a crazy ex. Statistically fascinating. Nobody ever says, my ex was an emotionally healthy woman, and I contributed significantly to the breakdown of our relationship. Never heard that story, not once. And women have our own versions of this too. We say, he was a narcissist, he was emotionally unavailable, he was a workaholic, he's just not ready. And sometimes all these things are true, but sometimes we also need to ask, why did I stay after the pattern became obvious? That's not self-blame, that's self-awareness. There is a difference between blaming yourself for somebody else's behavior and taking responsibility for your own participation. I did not cause somebody else to ghost me. I did not cause somebody else to be consistent. I did not cause somebody else to avoid commitment, but I may have ignored the signs because I wanted the potential to be real. And that is where dating over 40 can be both harder and better. It's harder because we have more history, more baggage, we have more responsibilities. We have kids, careers, houses, exes, schedules, aging parents, and a calendar that looks like it was designed by a hostile government. But it is better because we know ourselves more. At least we should. We know what we can tolerate. We know what we cannot tolerate. We know what we want. We know what we have already survived. And we know that being alone is not the worst thing that can happen to us. Being with the wrong person can be much worse. I've also realized that I'm different now. I don't want to convince someone to date me. I don't want to campaign. I don't want to audition to be a wife. I don't want to prove that I'm worth choosing. I already know what I bring to the table in someone's life. I'm funny, I'm independent, I'm affectionate, I'm loyal. If you're consistent, I can cook. I have my own life, I have my own career, I have amazing kids. I can go from talking about importing at my one job during the day and then about doing someone's hair at night, and then somehow I'm at a bar singing karaoke, drinking gin and tonics at 11 30 p.m. on a Monday night. I can tame multitudes and poor decisions, but mostly multitudes. And I think it is important to say because dating can make you forget who you are, you start measuring your value by somebody else's attention. If he texts, you feel attractive. If he does not text, suddenly you are questioning your entire face, personality, body, career, and childhood. One man does not respond, and now you're standing in front of the mirror, like, maybe my eyebrows are the problem. No. Your eyebrows are innocent. Leave them out of this. But seriously. Rejection can make us personalize everything. Sometimes somebody does not choose you because they are not capable of choosing anybody. Sometimes somebody does not choose you because they are distracted, immature, unavailable, or simply not the right person. That does not mean you are not desirable. It means the connection did not become a relationship. Those are not the same thing. And I know that sounds like something printed on a decorated pillow, but it is true. You could be attractive, funny, successful, loving, interesting, and still not be chosen by a particular person. That does not make you less valuable. It makes you human. So the question I'm asking myself now isn't how do I get them to choose me? It's do I like the way I feel in this? And that question will ruin the situationship immediately because sometimes we become obsessed with whether somebody likes us and completely forget to ask whether we even like what they're offering. Dylan likes me. I know he likes me. I don't need a panel of experts to investigate that. Well, liking somebody and being capable of having the kind of relationship they need are two completely different things. And I think that's where a lot of us get stuck, we think. But he cares about me. Okay, he probably does. But the chemistry is incredible. Great. But I know he has feelings, probably. And can he show up? Can he communicate? Can he make plans? Can he follow through? Can the relationship exist out of outside of the feelings? Because you can have the deepest emotional connection in the world with somebody who's absolutely terrible for your nervous system. And unfortunately, your vagina may not receive this memo. She has her own voting district. We're working on it though. And let's talk about sex for a second, because sex complicates everything. People like to pretend sex is casual. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you can have sex with somebody and wake up the next morning completely fine. You brush your teeth, make coffee, and go about your day. Other times, sex creates an emotional bond that your brain did not approve through the proper channels. You can't be sitting there saying, This is casual. Meanwhile, your body is like, wonderful, I have selected a mate. Your brain says, We are not in a relationship. Your body says, too late, I've already memorized this breathing pattern. That is not a minor administrative issue. And when the sex is good, it becomes even harder to evaluate the relationship clearly because now you're trying to make a rational decision while your hormones are standing in the corner holding a sign that says, give him another chance. Now, put the sign down. We need to review the evidence. Sex can be meaningful without being a commitment. It can be intimate without being a promise. It can be real without being enough. That is another thing I've had to learn. A physical connection can be powerful, but it cannot carry an entire relationship by itself. Eventually, somebody has to communicate. Somebody has to make plans. Somebody has to be honest. Somebody has to decide whether this is going anywhere. And if the only time the relationship feels secure is when you are physically together, that is not security. That is temporary relief. So right now, my dating life is basically an experiment. I'm trying something new. I'm not chasing, I'm not forcing. I'm dating. I'm meeting people, I'm letting men reveal themselves instead of writing the story for them. And that part is hard because I'm extremely good at seeing potential. You give me three decent qualities and one emotionally vulnerable conversation, and suddenly I'm renovating the entire relationship in my imagination. This one has great bones. No, Nicole, it has no plumbing. Get out. I'm also trying to stop confusing access with intimacy. Just because somebody can reach me does not mean they know me. Just because somebody calls me late at night does not mean they're building a life with me. Just because somebody tells me personal things does not mean they are ready to be accountable to me. And just because I am important to somebody does not mean they are able to give me what I need. That one is hard. Because we want importance to equal commitment. We want to believe that if somebody can root really cares, they will automatically behave in a way that makes us feel safe. But people can care about you and still be selfish. They can care about you and still be avoidant. They can care about you and still not be ready. They can care about you and still hurt you. Feelings are not the same thing as capacity. That is probably one of the biggest lessons I am taking into this next chapter. I do not need to prove that Dylan has feelings. I need to decide whether the way he handles those feelings works for me. That is a completely different question. And I do not have to wait until somebody becomes a villain to leave. Sometimes somebody can be a good person and still be a bad fit. Sometimes there is no dramatic betrayal, no cheating scandal, no screaming match, no cinematic ending in the rain. Sometimes you simply realize I like you. But I do not like who I become in this situation. That is enough. So that's where we're beginning this podcast. I don't have the answers. I'm not a relationship therapist or an expert. I'm not here to teach you how to secure a husband in six easy steps. Probably could teach you how to lose a guy in ten days, though. Clearly. I'm here because dating is fucking weird, especially at this age. And sometimes the only thing you could do is laugh about it with your girlfriends. So that's what this podcast is going to feel like. We're going to talk about dating apps, situationships, attachment styles, sex, ghosting, bad first dates, great first dates, text messages that need to be submitted to a forensic laboratory. The difference between somebody liking you and actually being ready for you. That it's a big one that we all struggle with. We're going to talk about the dates that you make that make you want to delete every app on your phone. The dates that make you think maybe love is still possible. The people who come on too strong. The people who barely show up. The people who say they want something serious but are somehow never available on a Saturday night. And yes, probably Dylan. Because something tells me that Dan is going to provide content. At minimum, he owes me that. And we would insert another musical riff here, but I don't know how to add that. So just use your imagination. And I want this podcast to be honest without pretending that honesty means telling every private detail about every person I've ever dated. There are real people involved, there are families, there are children, there are jobs, there are reputations. So names, so some names will change, some details will be adjusted, some stories may be combined, but the feelings, those are real. The confusion is real, the laughter is real. The screenshots are probably real. And if you recognize yourself in one of these stories, please understand that I'm probably also recognizing myself because I've been the person who overanalyzed. I have been the person who stayed too long. I've been the person who accepted crumbs because I was hungry for a connection. I have also been the person who pulled away, avoided difficult conversations, and acted like I was fine when I was absolutely not fine. Nobody gets to be the hero in every chapter, and also nobody puts baby in the corner. Sometimes you are the person who got hurt. Sometimes you're the person who hurt somebody else. Sometimes you are both in the same week. That is adulthood. That is dating. That is why I don't want this podcast. That's why I don't want this to be a podcast where I sit here and act like every man is terrible and every woman is innocent. Some men are terrible, some women are terrible. Some people are just emotionally exhausted and making bad decisions with good intentions. Some people are not ready. Some people are lonely. Some people are horny. Some people are bored. Some people are looking for love. Some people are looking for somebody to text while they avoid their actual problems. And sometimes the same person is all these things before lunch. So if you're dating over 40, newly single, perpetually confused, happily married, and listening because you're nosy or currently staring at a text from a man wondering what the fuck he meant, welcome. You found your people. If you are the friend everybody calls after a bad date, welcome. If you're the friend who gives excellent advice and then ignores all of it in your own life, especially welcome. If you have ever said, I'm done, and then responded to the same person 12 minutes later, you are among friends. And if you have ever deleted a dating app and reinstalled it before the confirmation email arrived, I see you. If you ever told yourself you were not going to sleep with somebody and then found yourself in their kitchen at one in the morning, I'm not judging you. I might ask some follow-up questions, but I'm not judging you. And I think that is what I want the show to be. A place where we can tell the truth without pretending we are above the mess. Because dating is messy, feelings are messy, sex is messy, communication is messy. And sometimes the person giving you the best advice is the same person who is currently making the worst decision of their life. That does not mean the advice is wrong. It means we're all works in progress. I'm not trying to become somebody who never gets hurt. That's impossible. I am trying to become somebody who listens sooner. Someone who pays attention to patterns. Somebody who doesn't not confuse potential with reality. That's a big one. Somebody who can enjoy chemistry without turning it into a contract. Somebody who can care about a man without making him the center of my life. Somebody who can say, I like you, I want more. This is not enough for me. And then actually believe myself. That is the work. Not becoming cold, not pretending I don't need anybody. Not acting like I'm too independent to want love. I can be independent and so want partnership. I can be strong and soul want infection. I can have a full life and so want someone to share it with. Those things are not contradictions. They are just inconvenient for people who want women to be either completely self-sufficient or completely dependent. I'm neither. I'm a woman with a mortgage, two teenage daughters, two jobs, a social life, and a sex drive. A phone full of screenshots, and a very limit tolerance for men who will say, we'll see. So and I'll leave you with this. I'm starting to believe that the right relationship probably won't require nearly as much detective work as the wrong ones did. I don't think love is supposed to feel like constantly trying to solve somebody. I think eventually somebody just shows up. Not perfectly, not without problems, not without a piss, but consistently enough that you're not constantly questioning whether you matter. I think the right person will solve bad days. They'll get busy. They will still forget things, they'll still annoy you. Let's not get carried away. But you will not have to beg them to demonstrate basic interests. You will not have to decode every message. You will not have to compete with their fear of intimacy. You will not have to keep shrinking your needs so they can stay comfortable. And if you have to do all of that, that may be chemistry, that may be attachment, that may be history, that may be sex. But it is not necessarily love. And until that happens, I'm going out, I'm having fun, I'm dating, I'm living my life, I'm spending time with my friends, I'm raising my daughters, I'm working, I'm laughing, I'm making questionable decisions, but hopefully fewer of them. And apparently I'm making a podcast about it. This is Colvon Cass, and this is Delko Unfiltered. Thank you for spending the first half hour with me, and if you made it this far, you're either very supportive or extremely nosy. Either way, I appreciate you. I'll see you next episode. Assuming I don't delete every dating app before then, and if I do delete them, I'll probably install the reinstall them by Thursday. Cue in the outro music because I still don't know how to do that.